1st Date Was Mediocre. Then She Friend Zoned Me. What Now?

What you should do if you get friend zoned after one date that was mediocre.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a viewer who met a really hot girl from his new friend group. She sent him flowers after he had a party at his place. She clearly liked him. Then they had a first date, but he was too scared to kiss her. He said the date was OK, but nothing to write home about.

He contacted her a few days later to schedule a 2nd date, but she friend zoned him. He passed and asks me what to do now as he will see her again as part of their friend group. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

This particular email is from a guy, he has a new friend group. I guess maybe he moved to the city recently, but he’s got this new group of friends and has lots of girls in it as well. He decided that he wasn’t going to date anybody in his friend group, but if any of these girls in the friend group had other hot female friends, he would go out with them. However, one particular girl who he said was the prettiest out of all of them and their friend group ended up sending him flowers. Believe it or not, she sent flowers to a dude because she liked him and so he ends up asking her out on a date. He kind of said something in his response back about the date that was unattractive, didn’t make it look like he thought of himself very highly, or that he was a catch. He ends up going out on the date, and he said it was just kind of like mediocre, like nothing special, nothing to write home about. They laughed a little bit, but he said he pushed out on going for the kiss, so he thought, “Ah, maybe I’ll redeem myself in the second date. No big deal.”

He gets in touch to ask her out on a second date, and then she friend zones him, and now he’s gone. “Damn, what do I do now?” So these things are going to happen, but it’s pretty clear it doesn’t seem like there was a ton of chemistry on the date. I don’t know if he’s actually read 3% Man or not, or he’s a cherry picker guy, but those things are going to happen sometimes. You go out on a date with a girl and you’re going to think she’s really beautiful. Then you’re going to sit down and you’re like, “I can’t get this girl to talk. She has nothing to say. She doesn’t open up.” Those things are going to happen. You want somebody that’s easy going, easy to get along with, easy to talk to, likes being with you, when the conversation dies a little bit she’ll work to keep it going. Sometimes you’re going to go out with a girl, maybe there’s things he said and did right out of the chute on his date that completely changed her perception of him and turned her off, so by the end of the first date, she was like, “Yeah, there’s not going to be a second one.” Then when he tries to make a second one, she’s like, “Let’s just be friends.”

Viewer’s Email:

Hey Coach,

I moved to a new town about six months ago and made some really good friends since then. 

As I have never really hung out  in a group with guys and girls I decided early on that I would do my best not to date any girls within the group and hope that they bring their hot friends around once in a while for me to date. 

When you’re in those situations, if there’s a girl in your group that likes you, she’s just always going to seem to be near you, next to you, bumping into you, touching you, or sitting down next to you, that kind of thing. Putting herself into your orbit, and this girl kind of goes out of her way at first to communicate that she really does like this guy.

As I am sure you know, the life of a three percenter can make this very difficult at times as woman within my new friend group quickly understood that there was something different about me compared to the thirsty eunuchs in the group. 

Anyways, every few weeks I host a large meal for my new friends at my place and it’s always a good time. 

One of the prettiest girls that always shows up was looking hot as ever at my last meal and I’m pretty sure was eye fucking me the entire time. I thought it would be rude and inconsiderate not to flirt with her a bit. 

She’s one of those strong independent corporate girls, so naturally I had to bust her lady balls for being a feminist. We both had a good laugh and went our separate ways. 

A few days later she texted me letting me know that she left a gift for me with the doorman to my building. It was a bouquet of flowers with a note explaining how even men deserve flowers once in a while signed by my local neighborhood feminist. 

A girl giving a guy flowers… I don’t think I can remember getting that in an email. Boss girl trying to flip the script around, trying to be the dude. Can she be soft, feminine and girly enough to want to date her, or are you always going to be jockeying for control and power with this girl? That’s really unusual, sending a dude flowers. I don’t know, maybe they’re in Europe or something. Maybe the culture is a little different, but that’s just kind of highly unusual. I mean, can you imagine, do you think a father whose family oriented would teach his daughter, “Oh yeah, send flowers to a man that you like? Good job, honey! Really proud of you!”

Coach, what could I do? I had to ask her out even though I didn’t want drama within the group. She’s just too hot. 

Well, if girl sending you flowers, it still is kind of weird and unusual, but all right.

From what I am told she is a very closed off and a quiet but friendly person. And she does not date anyone within the group. But she clearly broke her rule for me. 

Well, it’s because she liked you. Attraction cuts through everything. If her interest is high, it doesn’t matter, she’ll break her rules, she’ll go against her religion or her family’s best wishes and intentions.

Her response: “I’m game, but only if I pay for the drinks!”

I told her…

So this statement right here, he talks about himself as a three percenter, doesn’t mention anything about reading the book, but the fact that he would phrase a sentence like this and think that that’s masculine? These are the kinds of things that are just sailing over his head.

Again, this is one of the many reasons why I say you got to read the book 10 to 15 times. You got to understand the philosophy and the mindset, not being anal retentive jackass or a robot. In this particular case, to say something like this, it’s not making you look attractive. It’s like you’re almost apologizing for yourself. I’m going to read what he says now.

“…You are one tough negotiator young lady, and my weak male ego may object, but I think I can agree to your terms.”

My weak male ego… Why would you refer to yourself having a weak male ego? See, this just tells me that the tape that’s running in his mind is one that’s basically telling him he’s not good enough, he doesn’t measure up, he doesn’t have what it takes, he’s not good looking enough. So whether he realizes it or not, this influences the tone of his voice, it influences the words that he chooses and it influences his behavior and what he says and does, and you’ll see later on down. Especially when it comes to the kiss, he bitches out. He refers to himself as, “Us three percenters,” but then you refer to yourself as having a weak male ego.

You got some work to do, bro. You can’t cherry pick from the videos and expect to be successful. The fact that you’re talking like that about yourself, that’s unattractive. Women like confident guys, and you refer to yourself as having a weak male ego. It’s not good.

If a hot girl wants to buy me flowers and pay for my drinks, who am I to say no? 

Well, I agree with that statement, but still, it’s kind of weird she bought you flowers.

I made a definite day and time I would pick her up and did not see or speak to her for the next six days. Of course I did not confirm the date…

So the reason he doesn’t need to confirm is he had plenty of rapport. This girl has been to his house many times. She knows him. It’s not like they met on a dating app and sent five texts back and forth. So in this case yeah, you’re going to go pick her up because you have rapport. She’s already been to your house. You’re not strangers. Because you have rapport, of course you’re going to go pick her up.

…On the day of and as expected she was there, on time, looking hot as hell. I just love a girl in a pair of sexy boots. 

Well, that tells me that she was down to get her pelvis beat up. She’s looking like that, you’re picking her up, she’s sending you flowers, telling you she’s going to buy you drinks. She looks like she’s down to fuck.

The date was OK. We grabbed drinks and of course I let her pay for the first round. We had some good laughs but nothing to write home about.

As the book says, you should be going to three different places. First you start out, maybe drinks. If that goes well, then you go to dinner. Then after dinner, you should have some kind of activity. Maybe you go to Top Golf. You could do something like that, because they have food there. The food’s pretty good and it’s great physical activity or throwing axes or driving go karts. I mean, she’s got boots on. Maybe playing video games, maybe playing pool, throwing darts, miniature golf, depends on these high heels. The point being is you want to do something physical, as the last exercise, to facilitate physical interaction, so when she gets all touchy feely, then you can start making out and then you can say, “Hey, why don’t we get out of here and go back to my place and open a bottle of wine?” It sounds like he just took her out and had some drinks and that was the end of the date. It doesn’t sound like a dude that knows what’s in the book because he’s cherry picking videos. That’s what it looks like to me, and it just doesn’t show like he was prepared, he knew what to do on the date. Maybe he did too much of the talking.

She seems to have had a bad break up a year and a half ago and does not seem to be over that.

So what does that mean? You were talking about her ex and her bad breakup, and you notice that she wasn’t over it. So now you’re discussing something negative on a date instead of positive. Whatever you make a woman feel when she’s with you is what she’s going to associate with being with you. So you go out on your first date, you just have drinks, and then you end up spending half the time talking about her ex that she’s not over yet. That’s fucking stupid. That’s right out of the book. That’s why I’m pretty sure this guy’s never cracked a book. He’s just cherry picking videos. Dude, don’t be referring to yourself as a three percenter when you haven’t even read the book. Especially when you’re doing things like this. Come on, don’t bullshit us. We can see through it. I can see through it.

There were a few moments when she was open to be kissed but I pussied out.

Three Percenter… Come on.

Bottom line, I thought the date went well enough that I would for sure get a second date. 

Well, you’re talking about the ex, which I mean, if you spend that much time, it was a year and a half, “Oh, she’s not really over it. Oh, poor thing.” Just tells me the vibe was off. You go out on a date and you had no idea what you were doing. There was no setup, there was no logistics to sex, you didn’t think anything through.

As we were both out of town  for the next few days I texted her the day before I came back to set something up and this is how it went. 

Bob: “Hey. How’s New Orleans?”

Jessica: “Hey! It’s been such a nice trip. How’s Guatemala?”

Bob: “That’s awesome! And Guatemala is awesome. I’d love to see you and hear all about your wild and crazy girls weekend. What’s your schedule like this week?”

Jessica: “I’m glad to hear it! Looking forward to hearing about it. What happens in New Orleans, stays in new Orleans!”

So she probably got fucked by Chad Thundercock, because you weren’t up for the task on your first date. You weren’t prepared.

“Would love to catch up as well, but wanted to let you know I’d love to move forward as friends. I want to be respectful of your time and I’m just not sure I’m as ready to date as I’d like to be.”

What she’s really saying is, “I’m just not ready to date you. I’m not feeling it because you turned me off on the date.”

Bob: “Nah, not really into the whole, ‘Pretend to be friends in the hopes for something more one day.’ So let me know if you change your mind about giving romance another shot.”

Well, I would have just said, “I’m down to be friends with benefits,” or you could say, “Friends with benefits? Sounds like a great idea.” See what she says back. If she goes, “No, I want something platonic,” then just say, “That’s not what I’m looking for, but hey, give me get in touch if you ever change your mind.”

“Having said that, I try to be friendly with everyone and that won’t change. So I will still expect flowers from you once in a while.”

She has not responded in a few days to that. 

I would not expect to hear from her again.

Coach, do you think my response came off as rude or butt-hurt?

No, not at all. It’s not the response I would have chosen.

My only intention was to go back to the way things were without causing drama while rejecting her offer to, “Move forward as friends.”

Well, I would have phrased it differently, but you made it pretty clear you’re not interested in just being friends. Who knows, maybe she shows up, maybe she doesn’t. If she does show up for your next food event, foodie event, whatever you call it, if she comes over to hug you, say, “Hey, how are you?” Be nice, be friendly, but I would spend my time chatting with other people there, chatting with other girls there and trying to get other new people to come in to the friend group.

I would say your first date did not go well at all. You weren’t prepared. You didn’t know what to do. Your game was sloppy as hell. That’s what happened here. You were not prepared. I think maybe you got a little overwhelmed by her beauty, and you acted a little dopey and you were Mr. Nice Guy, so you turned into her therapist and her emotional tampon on the date, instead of just hanging out, having fun and hooking up.

I would love for her to still feel comfortable to come over with everyone else and not cause drama in my group, but I have no interest in hanging out one-on-one pretending to be friends when I’d much rather put her on my kitchen counter and eat her out for hours on end. 

Well, that’s a long time. Your tongue, your lips, your mouth and your jaw muscles will be so tired, you won’t be able to talk for a few days if you do that for hours, but hey, your intent is great.

As always, your insight would be greatly appreciated. 

Thanks,

Bob

At this point, say she comes over and you have another meal or whatever, and as the people start to leave, maybe she’s like, “Hey, I want to chat with you for a bit.” You’re like, “Sure.” If she hangs out, “Hey, I want to make sure there’s nothing awkward.” “No, nothing awkward at all.” “I just want to be cool being friends.” “Well, we can be friends with benefits. I’m down with that,” and she says, “No, I don’t want to date.” “No problem. Well, I’m glad you came by tonight. I’m going to clean up. It was nice seeing you again. I’ll talk to you later,” as you escort her out the door. What if she lingers? What if she lingers and she’s playing with her hair? Or maybe she comes back with a different attitude next time you see her? Because it does seem like you only see her about once a month. Maybe she shows up, maybe she doesn’t. Maybe she met another guy, but your game was atrocious, bro.

You got to read the book. Learn the fundamentals so you know what to do and how to actually plan a date that can lead to a successful seduction instead of late misapplying the “three percent” label to yourself. You send an email like this and it’s clear you don’t know what’s even in the book. Come on, man! You have a good opportunity like this and you totally fumbled the football because you just don’t know what to do. On top of that, your mindset sucks, so the book will help you with that. The book will help you identify what’s the right mindset, what kinds of things you should say that make you look attractive, and what things you should not. I mean, it says in the book, keep it positive, keep it playful, keep it funny, keep it light. Instead, you listen to her drone on about her ex-boyfriend from a year and a half ago. So this girl was really into you and obviously came over ready to fuck, but by the end of your first date, you talked her out of liking you. On top of that, the fact that you didn’t have the balls to go for the kiss tells me you’re not a three percenter. You’re a poser. So you got to do better. Don’t refer yourself as a three percenter when you’re too scared to even go for a kiss. Come on, dude. Seriously. You gots to do better, my man.

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen on any page on my website, and book a coaching session with yours truly. Until next time, I will talk to you soon.