Getting Too Serious Too Soon Leads To Rejection

Why men should date casually instead of being serious and looking for a relationship.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a 27 year old viewer who claims to have read 3% Man, 10 times, but is still making rookie mistakes and doing the opposite of what the book teaches. He met a girl through online dating and started getting all serious and trying to lock her down to a commitment right away. He then tried to use logic and reason to get her to agree to be exclusive. Then she bounced. He says he has no idea what to do now and feels like he’s blown his chance. He asks my opinion. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

Hi, I’m Coach Corey Wayne and this is my video coaching newsletter. And the topic of today’s members only video newsletter is, “Getting Too Serious Too Soon Leads To Rejection.”

Well, this particular email from a guy, he’s 27 years old, he claims to have read 3% Man ten times, but he’s still making rookie mistakes and he’s doing the opposite of what The Book teaches. And so he met a girl through online dating, and he started getting all serious and trying to lock her down to a commitment. He had lots of discussions about it and then she starts backing away going, “ah, I’m not really. This is kind of too soon.” And then so he goes into logic and reason mode, trying to give her all the pros of why she should agree to be exclusive with him.

So he’s trying to negotiate interests. And it just goes to show you how difficult it is to override your emotions, and do the right things that maybe mentally, you know, to do. But it’s like, because whatever I’ve talked about this a lot. With human beings, we have two primary fears. Fear that we’re not enough, otherwise we don’t have what it takes, and fear that we won’t be loved by our friends, our family, our peer group, in this case, a girl that he wants to be in a relationship with. And so what you fear, you attract, and what you look at disappears.

So if he’s deep down afraid and terrified that he’s never going to get the kind of girl he really wants, and then he starts dating a girl that, like, checks all his boxes, kind of like this one is. And he’s really into her. He’s kind of dopey. He’s really afraid of losing her because he cares. He cares too much. And so even though he’s read the book ten times and intellectually probably knows what to do. His emotions are overriding all of the logic and the reason that the book teaches. And that probably is going through his own mind because he’s so fearful.

And it’s like, so he’s one of those guys that’s at that place where he’s still trying to punch through that wall of fear. And because it’s you have to get to the other side of that wall of fear. And it’s really like a game of chicken. You have to give women the time and space to follow through on their plans and their commitments with that they’ve made to you, or to flake out and disappear from your life forever. Because if you’re a catch. If you’re a prize, if you’re an eligible one of the most eligible bachelors in town or in your community or in your social group, then women are going to work to get your attention.

But if in your mind you have a story that tells you that you’re less than or you don’t measure up or you’re not good enough, even when you read the book ten times as this guy says he has, he’s still doing the opposite of it. And so he’s doing the opposite of it. And even though intellectually he might know what he should do, his emotions are just overwhelming him and his nervous system, and he’s doing the wrong thing. And so now he’s chasing this girl out of his life, and now they’re in no contact, and he’s absolutely heartbroken over it. And so these are the types of events that happen in a man’s life where you experience pain and rejection.

And it was totally avoidable. But he didn’t exercise self control. And so maybe it takes him three more girls like this to where he finally gets to the point, like where I got in my book where I was like, I’m going to do the opposite, even when I every fiber of my being is telling me to reach out or to call or to pursue. I had realized that I had over pursued every time I was with a girl I really liked, to the point where I chased him out of my life. And so for me, it’s like once you hit the wall enough, once you have enough failures, you have to get to a place where you’re just like, enough of this shit.

I’m tired of this being my reality, and I’m going to do the opposite of what I’ve done. And it’s like, so it’s really about learning to find that sweet spot between pursuing too much and not pursuing enough. And like for me, I had always lost the girls from over pursuing. So like the one I was dating that had the young daughter, it’s like things that kind of gone cold. And so I was willing on the flip side, at that point in my life, because it had happened so many times from over pursuing, and I had over pursued her, and I had acted weak and communicated weakness.

And so she lost interest and respect and backed off. So I was willing to under pursue her to the point where she dipped on me because I’d always done it the other way. And I knew over pursuing didn’t work. It always led to rejection 100% of the time. And so this time I was just like, it’s probably, you know, because when I met this particular girl was when I was 31, and the last time I met somebody that I clicked with and felt that way, it’d been like seven years. And so that was a long time.

And so at the time, I was thinking, I’m willing to lose this girl forever, because every time I met somebody that I clicked with like that in the past, I chased them out of my life. And so I’m willing to go to the opposite extreme. And it was hard, man. It’s like sleepless nights sitting in my office. I remember I’d close my door and put my phone on Do Not Disturb, and I would just look out the window and watch the traffic go by and contemplate my future and the fact that, you know, if I lose this one, it’s like, who was it going to be, five years, seven years, ten years before this happens to me again?

And I was willing to do it because at that point in my life, at 31 years old, I’d always done it the old way in the past, and it never worked. And so I was willing to do the opposite of that. And obviously, you guys that read the book, you know, that it worked out great.

Viewer Email:

Hey Corey,

I’ve read the book about 10 times over the years, but I am still making mistakes. I’m 32, and I met a very beautiful woman 27 year old woman that seemed very interested through online dating about a month and a half ago. Things were going great at first.

Well, that’s most guys experience first 2 to 3 weeks. And if you’ve been watching any of the podcasts with myself and the girls, and especially for those of you that are paying members and watching the 3% Man Study Group. Because we talk about that a lot, and how the girls have been out with countless dudes that when they first started dating, they were really excited about their potential future with these guys, but they would usually get three, maybe four weeks where then they would just totally come unglued and lose their shit, especially when their emotions became engaged and they really started liking the girl.

They just couldn’t control themselves. They would end up trying to control her. They’d get mad, they’d get angry. They get upset. What’s wrong? Things feel off. We need to get together. We need to talk. And they get all serious and they get butthurt. And it’s amazing. The metamorphosis is, like, out of the gate. You know, the girls are like, this is great. Maybe we’re going to be serious. Maybe this will maybe this is the perfect guy for me. Then a couple weeks go by and they’re.

They’re ghosting the guy, because he’s just completely changed. He lost his shit, totally fell apart, didn’t maintain his composure at all. And so that’s what this guy is doing here. He’s good out of the gate. But all those fears, those doubts, those insecurities, because we all have those tapes running around in our head, we tend to have a very disempowering story that’s always constantly playing in our mind.

She was telling me about wanting a family, saying she’d be mad if she saw me with other women, and telling me I made her feel like a like a little girl again. I was over the moon and always had a good time with her, and she really seemed to feel the same.

Well, I would say that was accurate, But the problem is, is you continue to be over the moon and you start acting dopey. Even though you read the book ten times, you start thinking, well, this girl is really into me, and she’s already talking about family and stuff, and he just assumes that she’s already there, even though they’re not being exclusive. And it’s only a few weeks in and dating.

I was originally seeing her once a week and always kept texting to a minimum, but started seeing her twice a week starting two weeks ago. The first time she had reached out and we had a great weekday date, but the second week i just made the plans to see her twice.

So what’s supposed to happen and as I discussed in the book, is it’s true that us guys are supposed to be the pursuers, but only in the very beginning. It’s like we’re we need to get the ball rolling down the hill, so to speak. We have to pursue in the beginning. But what happens is a woman’s emotions become engaged. And usually the second or third date is when you guys end up having sex. That’s just typically how most women in the West are if you’re doing everything right.

And then typically from there, she starts reaching out every few days to you, and then you just use that as an opportunity to set the next date. You’re trying to stay in the present moment. You’re just taking it date by date. And with guys mistakenly do is the girl starts that, she starts reaching out more. They set another date and they start projecting their high interest onto the girl and then ignoring how she’s showing up. Which is basically what’s happening right here, is that she reached out, he made a date, and then he reached out twice the next week.

So instead of it being her idea, instead of giving her the freedom and the space to kind of be a cat, because a woman’s feelings change like the weather. It’s just the ebb and flow and you can’t take it personally. It’s better to do less dates than more dates, especially in the beginning. And the fallback rule that’s in the book is just once a week. And because once a woman’s reaching out to you 2 or 3 times a week, you don’t even have to reach out anymore. Then you just wait to hear from her and make the next date, and then you get 4 or 5 weeks into it. Six weeks usually was when she really starts to fall in love and bring up being serious. Where’s this going?

She starts hinting at those things, and it’s always better to ask questions about where she’s at, instead of assuming she wants a commitment from you and then trying to lock her down before she’s emotionally ready, it’s much better if she’s the one bringing that up, because if she’s bringing it up, it means that she’s feeling it. And if she’s not bringing it up, it means she’s not feeling it. And that’s why most guys, when they bring it up, especially in the beginning, women, as soon as you do that, they realize that you’re way more into them than they are into you.

You’re talking about being serious and exclusive, and they’re just at the point where they’re just barely getting to know you. And trying to determine, is this guy good for me or not? And then when you just jump all over her trying to lock her down after a few weeks of dating, just like we talked about with Jade and the rest of the girls on the podcast and the, you know, the study group, the 3% Man study group is that I mean, it starts to go south really quick. And so he’s behaving just like pretty much most dudes, most 97% guys do. And he’s only focused on his interest. He’s not really paying attention to the fact that she’s not in the same place, and it’s just much better.

And women like you more, if they think that they’re more into you than you are into them. And as soon as you communicate the opposite, you should expect a pullback. You should expect for them to take a few days longer to text or to reach out when you do those things. And you can’t get butthurt, you can’t get mad, you can’t get upset. It’s just like, you know the way cats are. They hop up in your lap, they purr, you pet them for a while. At some point they stop purring and then they don’t want to be petted anymore. And then they jump up and leave.

And what guys tend to do is to go after the cat and pick it up and forcibly put it back in their lap and pet it because they want the attention. And kitty cats don’t like that. They they’re fickle. They want to come and go as they please. And that’s why if a cat jumps out of your lap, you just have the attitude. See you later. You’ll be back. You just let it go, and then some time later it’ll come back. It may look in the room and see you, and then go back on about its business or wherever it was going. And then a little while later it comes back, walks around the room and might go meow and come by and it rubbed by your leg with its tail up in the air and its butt up in the air.

And then it takes off and and leaves again. And then a few minutes later, a half hour later, whatever it comes back in, the room hops up on the armrest of the chair you’re in or whatever, or the back of the couch and goes, meow. And then it jumps in your lap, curls up in a ball and starts going purr. And purring away. And so you just got to give kitty cats the space to come and go as they please. And a woman’s interest is the same way. You can’t get butthurt or upset, or change your attitude or your demeanor in any way, whether it’s excited to sit in your lap and purr or it doesn’t want to be bothered, just let it be. When the cat starts missing you, it’s going to come back for attention and reassurance. And that’s where this guy is kind of screwing up.

To cut to the chase, a few days ago I made the blunder of asking her to be exclusive.

It’s like, what are you thinking, dude? It says right in the book. Because here’s the other thing. Feminine energy is bonding, connecting, opening up to receive love, dating and relationship labels, family nesting, children, building a home together. That’s all feminine energy. And when a woman is ready, she brings up those things. And when she’s not. As a man, your job is really just to create the next opportunity for sex to happen. Hang out, have fun, hook up. That’s it. And so what he’s doing now is he’s assuming the woman’s role. And so from a sexual polarity standpoint now he’s acting like an insecure girl, instead of this mysterious, exciting guy that she met online where things have been evolving.

I thought all the signs were there, considering our heavy talks and intimacy, but in hindsight I definitely screwed up. At first she said yes, but seemed a little hesitant.

I was like, if she ain’t bringing it up, she’s not ready. This is right out of the book. You said you read the book ten times, but again, you’re projecting your high interest and you’re making assumptions about her interest because you’re driven by fear, you’re not driven by confidence. And guys who have plenty of choices and options with women, the last thing they’re trying to do is get into a relationship or lock a girl down. We like to be free.

And especially like when you look at the old movies from the 40s, the 50s, even in the early 1960s, the men are always like the last ones to agree to live happily ever after. They’re trying to avoid it at all costs, and the women are always trying to lock the guys down, which, I mean, it’s the complete opposite now. But the reality is the old movies portray the actual innate archetypes and how men and women interact. What’s presented to us today is a false archetype. If you behave the way you see in movies today, you’re going to get rejected.

On the car ride home, the vibe was off so I asked her about it and she basically let me know she was having second thoughts and thought it was too soon. 

And so she’s giving him more feedback as even listening. No, because he’s focused on what he wants. He’s focused on his interest and he’s ignoring that she’s not in the same place. He should know better after reading the book ten times.

I messed up even more by pushing her for answers, and tried to tell her why I thought it would be a good idea. I gave her some sappy explanation on why good things need to be built on solid ground, which I truly believe, and I ended up in her apartment that night. We made love that night, but during pillow talk she revealed she was still scared.

In other words, she’s like she’s not feeling the same thing you are.

We ended up parting ways that morning on uneasy ground, and her dating profile is still up now even though she did say she wanted to try exclusivity last.

You’re just putting the cart before the horse. And so he’s like, our profile is up. Oh my God, I’m going to lose her. He’s totally driven by his fears. And so all of his actions are not coming from a place of calmness, of masculinity, of being centered, of being in a peaceful and relaxed state. He’s terrified he’s going to lose her. So he’s trying to lock her down and he’s smothering her. And that’s why she’s going to bounce. As Thích Nhất Hạnh said, “you must love in such a way that the person you love feels free and she doesn’t feel free.”

I told her she left her sunglasses in my car, and she replied saying she’d be getting them back soon.

So in other words, he’s trying to force another interaction by saying, hey, I got your sunglasses. The phones for setting date, remember? So he’s violating another principle because now the only reason he’s not reaching out, because he’s trying to give her the sunglasses back. He’s using the sunglasses as an excuse to reach out and try to feel her out and see if she still likes him or if he’s blown it completely. Which again, that’s not confident. That’s not something a confident man would do.

I am devastated that it’s probably over now through my weak and needy behavior. I’m at a loss for what to do next, as she’s the first woman I met in a year who’s really made me feel anything more than lust. I guess I’ll look for more dates for now, but I feel like this loss will haunt me for years if she permanently disappears now. Any advice would be appreciated. I stopped dating other women 2 weeks ago because i thought we were on the same page, but I guess the other guys or possibility of other guys is more interesting to her.

Thanks,

Bob

No, it’s a question of interest. She’s not there yet. You did too much too soon. And when you act needy and insecure like that and you try to lock a girl down, you’re communicating the opposite of confidence. And what’s the number one male strength characteristic that women love? Confidence. And you don’t have any confidence. A confident guy is not trying to lock her down after only a couple of weeks of dating. And then when she says no, begging and pleading with her, which is in essence what you did, you try to use logic and reason to negotiate interest, to negotiate a relationship. This is not something men who have choice with women do.

This is something that guys that are desperate and needy and didn’t get enough strokes as a kid do, and guys that constantly get rejected from women, this is how they operate. And so when you behave this way, it scares women. It doesn’t make them feel safe with you and that’s why they flee. So, as the book would say, if I would do nothing because you tried to lock her down. And so the book says once a week per date. So I wouldn’t call, I wouldn’t text or anything and let it go a week, week and a half and see what happens. See if she reaches out to you first, because you need to give her space for her to be present with her feelings, for her to start to become unsure of where she stands because we want to earn it with enough days and enough time to start to go.

Maybe I was wrong. Maybe I was a little too harsh. Maybe I overreacted, maybe I scared him away. Maybe he met somebody else. Maybe he’s mad at me. Maybe he doesn’t like me. Maybe his ex-girlfriend came back in the picture. It’s a scientific fact that women are more attracted to men whose feelings are unclear. And when you’re a guy in this position, when you’re all over her ass, and then all of a sudden you disappear because, again, the quickest way to get somebody else’s attention is to remove yours. And so you smothered her. You gave her too much attention, and she didn’t want to be in a relationship. So just let her be.

Give it a week and a half. And the reason why you don’t want to reach out, you don’t want to do anything, is you’re trying to create enough time and space and distance to where she starts to miss you. And then she’ll reach out. She’ll send you a meme, or she’ll say, hey, if she reaches out for any reason between the time you last spoke to her and a week and a half passes, then assume she wants to see you and make the next date. And don’t ever fucking bring up the relationship. Or locking her down. And if she brings it up again or talks about it and says, yeah, I’m not ready to say, yeah, no problem.

Just like I apologize if I stressed you out. It’s just, you know, things were going great, but obviously you’re not in the same place yet. So let’s just have fun and let’s. No, no stress. Let’s hang out, have fun and little kissy poo and it’d all be good. And then go back to, you know, like I said, once a week you should reach out. No more than once a week in the beginning. And so you’ve done a lot of damage here by turning her off and causing her attraction to drop. And so if you just give it a week and a half and you wait it out, her feelings may creep back up on her and she’ll reach out to you and then just set the next date, because that’s all you’re trying to do.

You’re trying to get her to the point where she likes you enough. She feels safe and comfortable enough to where she’s reaching out 2 or 3 times a week, and then you never have to bring up reaching out to her again and just hang out, have fun, hook up. And when she’s ready, she’ll bring it up and she’ll lock you down. And you won’t have to worry about her bouncing on you. But you’ve got to exercise self control. But like I said, I totally feel for this guy because this was my experience a lot of times in my 20s. And it really fucking sucks. It’s, you know, to realize after the fact, man, I totally screwed that up.

I totally chased that girl out of my life. And when it happens enough, when you get rejected enough, you’re just like, I got to. I was just like, that’s it. I’m completely changing my approach from now on, and it would behoove this guy to actually follow what’s in the book. I know it’s hard, but you got to follow the principles. And so he shouldn’t be surprised that he got rejected because the book tells you this is what is going to happen if you don’t follow these principles. Because again, I did this countless times, so I know it doesn’t work. But if you guys want to disbelieve me or whatever. Hey, that’s on you.

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen on any page, and book a coaching session with yours truly. Until next time, I will talk to you soon.