Fear Of Loss Destroys Attraction

Fear of loss destroys attraction and is probably the single biggest mistake needy people make that leads to the end of their relationships, or ruins their chances with someone they just met. At the root cause of this behavior is an insecure feeling that what you want to happen, probably will not happen. You want to be loved, but deep down you are afraid that you will not be loved. I remember being paralyzed by my fear of rejection. I remember thinking that I had to call women I liked excessively to talk to them in order to get them to like me more when I was younger. These unnecessary phone calls were simply masking my own needy and insecure feelings, but communicating to the women I was interested in, that I did not feel I deserved them. As a matter-of-fact, my actions actually communicated that I expected to get rejected. I had an irrational fear that had convinced me that I did not deserve what I really wanted. It’s like expecting to get rejected, but thinking you have to do something in order to prevent rejection. However, it’s this illusion of action that causes us to make unnecessary mistakes. The following is an e-mail from a Middle Eastern woman who has written me before. Obviously her culture and society is not open to or compatible with much of the things and freedoms we take for granted in the West, and that I talk about here. She desires to get married and has become fixated and obsessed with one particular man. Her needy behavior is causing him to want nothing to do with her. My comments are (in bold brackets like this) in the body of her e-mail:

Hi Corey:

I hope you are doing well. I’m sure you’ve forgotten me because you are a famous person, (Don’t put me on a pedestal.) and every one needs to ask you for advise. Yes, you are severe little bit, (I use adult language and talk about adult subjects. I never bullshit anyone. Brutal honesty is best when helping people who are bullshitting and lying to themselves. It’s only once they recognize their own bullshit, that they can let go of, and move past it.) but I confess that you give 65% good advise for the people who are like me, (I teach what works. True human nature. Your culture is still coming out of the dark ages so to speak. Women are oppressed and not treated with respect in much of the Muslim world. Women in the west went thru a similar transition over the past 100 years. Women got tired of taking shit from men, and stood up for themselves in droves until the men caved. The same thing is happening all over the middle east now. Women in Saudi Arabia are defying authorities and dark age draconian laws, and driving their cars in public even though women are not allowed to drive. Now the kingdom is starting to cave. Women are not second class citizens in the west. They are self sufficient and don’t need a man for shit. If he’s a lousy father or provider, she’ll get a job and raise the child on her own. In America, our founding fathers founded our nation with the belief and upon the principles that our personal freedom comes from the creator. Not the state, and not man. The US is the freest nation on earth. You can do and be anything as long as it does not impinge upon the free will of another.) and maybe in your society you are helping them 90 % or more, (I agree much of what I teach is impossible to practice in some ultra conservative countries.) Honestly, I can say that I did unsubscribe from your website because most things from your essays are not included in my culture, so I will ask for your reply and hopefully you can answer whenever you have time. (Yea, but the bottom line? You still came back.)

I should remind you of my story, I’m the Arabian woman who’s in love with one person who traveled abroad, and left me, (This one here? You started acting like a stalker and became obsessed with him.) and he didn’t want to talk to me even, (No one likes needy, insecure and clingy people from any culture. They reek of fear and self-loathing. They believe they need something found in others, that is missing from within themselves. They are constantly disappointed, as the other person never lives up to their expectations of how they think they should act.) and yes, I was obsessed, but after following the newsletter e-mails, I knew how to bring him back. Then I sent you message. You told me to leave him alone, and both was helpful. He confessed that he loves me when I contact him again for the first time when he was back. We continued again for two months, and then he traveled again abroad. Yes I want to marry, but I love this person. I cannot look for anyone else. Another man wants to marry me, but my heart don’t respond. (You should only marry someone who your heart compels you to marry and who feels the same way.)

Now I’m in big trouble, we are in contact with each other. We talk by net from time to time. He said he loves me, but there’s no mutual understanding. Sometimes I call and he doesn’t reply when he’s busy. (All men are this way. We’ll get back to you when we have time. You must let us focus on our purpose. Calling incessantly is needy behavior. You need to get a life. Get some friends you can spend time with. You must have a happy and fulfilling life full of close friends and family outside of your relationship.) He’s just like that – that is his type, he cant focus on two things. (All men are like this. Masculine energy is all about focus, drive, succeeding, achieving, breaking thru barriers, etc. You’ve got two choices. Either accept that men are this way, or date women!) I can’t understand this. (You should download the Amazon Kindle version of my book to your Smartphone, PC, Mac or iPad in under 60 seconds for only $9.99 by CLICKING HERE. Even though I wrote it for guys, there is a lot of relationship and communication wisdom in it that will help you. If you interfere in a man’s freedom to focus on his purpose, he will choose his purpose over continuing the relationship, always.) I always get angry at him. (Behind anger is always fear. You are afraid he does not love you. You don’t call to say hi. You only call for unnecessary validation that he loves you. This is tiring to anyone. Keep it up and he will dump you for the same reasons he did the first time.) I want to know how to control my anger, (Simple. Decide to control your anger. Besides, getting angry over things you cannot control or change is silly. Plus, it will ruin intimacy and any chance you have at a healthy and happy relationship.) and how to understand him. (You must give men the time and space to sit and contemplate in their man caves. When we figure out our next move, we come out of our cave with a sense of accomplishment and a renewed desire to fill our women up with our presence mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually.) He said we cannot marry because we always fight. I want really to understand him, and control the relationship. (Read my book. You’re deluding yourself, control is an illusion. Read this article of mine also to get a better feel for what makes us men happy. You need to let him be himself. Trying to change him or force him to treat or act a certain way around you will lead to suffering on your part. Accept and love him as he is, or find a man who is exactly like you want.) I fight enough to win him back, and he judged me when we fight without accepting my explanations. I know he loves me. I wanted to leave him one time again. He didn’t respond to this, and he wasn’t ready to leave me. He wanted to leave me, and I didn’t respond to this. I’m not ready to leave him. You were helpful to me when you said leave him alone. That made me more valuable at that time to him. Then he accepted me again, and we went out 4 times within 40 days. (You are doing the same things to drive him away again. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting a different result.)

I know he loves me. He told me this many times, but he cant stand my mood. I get angry and he does not understand how to deal with me. We love each other, but do not understand each other. Thank you for hearing me, Please stay safe. (Another good short book to read is The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman.)

Thanks for your time again,

Amy

“Impatience never commanded success.” – Edwin H. Chapin