Getting Her Back After 2 Years Living As Roommates & Dating Others

How to approach getting your ex back when you live as roommates & both date other people.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a viewer who is new to my work. He’s read 3% Man once and watched several videos. He lives with his ex for two years and they have a 3-year-old daughter together. They are roommates and both date other people. However, he’s expressed his desire to date her again, but she says she’s not ready and is dating another guy. He’s dating other women, but hasn’t found anybody he really likes.

He asks what he should do to get her back. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

So this particular email is an interesting little wrinkle here. This guy who writes in, he’s read 3% Man one time so far and he’s watched several videos. He lives with his ex-girlfriend for two years, and I guess they got a 3-year-old daughter together and they’re basically roommates at this point. They’re no longer together romantically. She’s dating another guy right now. He dates other women. However, recently he’s expressed his desire to try to rekindle their romance. She says, “Oh, that’s real sweet, but I’m not ready for it,” because obviously she’s dating another guy, but they live together. They’re doing great co-parenting. He’s implementing things that are in the book. They’re getting along better, and he’s like, “What do I do?”

Again, they both live together in the house as roommates. She has a guy she’s seeing. He’s been dating other women, but he doesn’t have anybody that he’s met that he really likes. So he’s like, “What do I do?”

Viewer Email:

Hey Coach,

This is my second email. After absorbing several hours of your newsletters, I realized I didn’t provide enough detail before. Currently, my ex and I live together but have been separated for two years. Our split resulted from my reaction to her unexpected pregnancy (Our daughter is now three). I didn’t handle it well, panicking and withdrawing when I should have been supportive.

Yeah, that’s a no-no. You got to be supportive when your girl is pregnant with your child.

This eroded her trust in me.

Yeah, she’s not going to feel safe and comfortable with you as her man when you’re losing your shit over her being pregnant.

I’ve since acknowledged my mistakes, apologized, and improved my behavior. She now describes me as an “Amazing father and co-parent” and has expressed strong confidence in my parenting abilities.

Well, that’s nice, “But he wants the chocha, Corey! Tell him how to get the chocha!”

Regarding the breakup, we tried therapy, but I didn’t take it seriously and continued to act ineffectively. She ended things and started dating someone else. I also dated casually. Her new relationship lasted about 6-9 months before she ended it to explore other options. After some time, when we were both single, I wanted to try rekindling our romance. I shared my feelings, guilt, and regrets, expressing my desire to reconnect. She responded by saying she wasn’t ready and felt heartbroken and taken for granted, even stating she’d rather stay single than be taken for granted again.

Well, you put it out there. You say, “This is what I want,” and what is your job as the book says? To create an opportunity for sex to happen. To hang out, to have fun while you’re hanging out and hook up when the signs are there that she’s ready to be touched, ready to be kissed, ready to be seduced.

What you have to understand is, granted, she’s dating some other guy. I don’t know if they’re boyfriend/girlfriend or they’re fuck buddies, friends with benefits, but this is the mother of your children, you’re both adults, you’re both free agents, technically. So if you’re hanging out at the house one time, some evening in the future coming weeks and you’re hanging out, you’re having fun while you’re hanging out, maybe you’re just making dinner together as a family and having a good time joking and laughing, masculinity is calm, you’re making her feel heard and understood, you’re opening her up. Whenever you get home, the first thing you should say is, “Hey babe, how was your day?” Get her to tell you about it and be totally unattached.

I would keep dating other women, keep your options open, but create the opportunity where if she feels heard and understood, what does she do? You know she’s going to start playing with her hair, touching your arm, standing too close, or you being in the gym working out again, getting fitter, more in shape and looking good. That’s only going to help you, especially if she knows you’re dating other women, especially if the women are prettier than her or younger than her and you’re having a good time. You treat all women the same, including this one, because you’ve admitted that you screwed up. She did everything she could to try to save the relationship, even went to therapy, and as you said, you didn’t take it seriously. Maybe because you really weren’t that into her, and the fact that she rejected you leads to you obsessing over, right? So what does he say in the next paragraph?

This rejection led me to obsess over getting her back, acting needy and unattractive. I bombarded her with messages about my feelings and how I could offer her things no one else could…

That sounds like a bribe for sex in a relationship. It’s not what a man does.

…Asking for a concrete answer about our romantic potential.

Again, you should have a “Take it or leave it” kind of attitude, because you’ve gotten yourself into this position and it seemed like you were pretty OK with it for a long time until recently.

She replied she wasn’t ready to figure things out and would respond when she was.

Which basically says, “Hey! Until further notice, you get the hall pass, bro.”

I remained insecure for a week or two, during which she dated someone else.

I discovered your work and have been actively applying it. I’ve read your book 3% Man, and listened to about 10 hours of your videos…

You got to read the book 10 to 15 times, put the audio-book on two-speed and follow along in a digital or physical copy and you can get through it in four hours. You got to get to know it backwards and forwards to where you don’t have to think about it anymore, because with the other women that you’re dating, you can be applying it and getting better, and you can be applying it with your baby mama. I mean, you guys live in the same house, so it’s just a matter of time, and opening her up and you being unattached, being indifferent, not getting butt-hurt, especially if she gives you negative feedback on how you’ve been showing up or how you used to show up, that kind of thing.

Don’t take it personal. Just use it as an opportunity to become a better man because it will help you with her, it will help you with your daughter and will help you with the other ladies in your life that you’re dating.

…Especially those on getting an ex back while living together. I’m working on transforming from a beta back into the confident alpha I once was. She’s noticed my positive changes, mentioning, “I look great…”

Well, when women notice your appearance, they compliment you on your physique or the shirt you’re wearing that communicates attraction.

…And that, “Positivity looks good on me.” Her friends have also remarked on the noticeable difference in me.

Well, that’s good.

I recently asked her out on a date with a set plan, and she responded positively but said she wasn’t ready to give us an honest shot right now.

Again, you live together, and a spontaneous date could just be if she’s doing nothing for the evening and you’re doing nothing for the evening. You can make dinner together, make sure she’s doing 85%, 90% of the talking and just have fun. If she starts playing with her hair, touching your arm, punching you playfully when you’re busting her balls, standing extra close when she’s in the kitchen to where she’s bumping into you or touching you and if you try the kiss test and she looks at your lips, which it seems like now it’s just a matter of time before she warms up to that point, then just go in and go for the kiss, start making out and then eventually you take her into one of the other rooms and beat up her pelvis after you do something to distract your daughter, maybe you put her to bed.

Again, that’s why I like making dinner, like late at night or whatever. If you put your daughter to bed, it’s just the two of you hanging out, having a glass of wine or whatever and she’s talking. When the signs are there that she’s ready to be touched, ready to be kissed, ready to be seduced that are detailed in the book, seduce her. Two steps forward. One step back.

Again, that’s why you got to read it 10 to 15 times, because if you’re living together and you’re getting more in shape, you’re applying the things in the book, she’s noticing you, she’s becoming more attracted to you, her friends have noticed the changes that you’ve made and you’re continuing to date and have a good time, it’s just a matter of time before you notice signs that she’s ready to be touched, ready to be kissed, ready to be seduced. He says, “I responded with, ‘OK.'”

She appreciated my boldness and confidence but needed more time to process the information.

Really, what she needed is just to see how she felt about you and the other guy that she’s seeing.

I responded with, “That sounds good! Let me know if you change your mind.” Since then, I’ve maintained my self-improvement, staying confident, positive, and masculine.

I wouldn’t invite her out on any more dates unless you guys are hanging out together as a family and it’s like, “Hey, you want to come with us?” You take your daughter somewhere fun for the weekend or to a fun place.

We interact playfully, flirt, and have had some physical contact, but nothing intense. She’s still seeing the other guy, so I haven’t pushed for anything beyond flirting.

Your job is just to create an opportunity for sex to happen. Hang out, have fun, hook up. That’s it. It’s not like you’re looking for an opportunity to get back together. I highly encourage you to go through 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back, but in this case, you’re living under the same roof, so you literally can have sex again and sleep with her as soon as the signs are there that she’s ready to be touched, ready to be kissed, ready to be seduced, that are detailed in the book, and it looks like she’s moving in that direction.

My questions are:

1. Should I continue being fun and positive, or should I be more distant and mysterious?

You should be fun and positive, but you should also have the attitude of, “She’s dating another guy, you should be dating other women,” and you should be trying to date the hottest, most attractive women you can find. If you’re getting fitter and more in shape, your confidence is growing, your swagger is growing, especially if she knows about you dating other women, if you’re gone a lot of the time because you’re dating other girls, she’ll become more aggressive. Then you’ll have your ex who you live with and you have one or two others that you’re hanging out, having fun and hooking up with. That’s the perfect place for you to be, to put her in the position where she’s trying to win you back over.

It’s quite possible that if you’re applying what’s in the book and you get really good with these things, you might meet somebody else who you like more, because for a long period of time you weren’t really trying to make things work and that just tells me you really didn’t give a shit. You didn’t give a shit until she finally gave up and started dating somebody else. So it’s quite possible that if you get back together and start hooking up all the time again that you might not want to stay with her in the future and then you break her heart all over again. So if I were you, I would do some contemplation on that.

2. If she asks to watch a movie, should I only agree if romance is on the table, or is it better to say yes to create a chance for intimacy?

It’s better to create a chance for intimacy because she’s asking you to do something. So if she’s sitting next to you on the couch, what happens? When she’s ready to be touched, she’s going to be sitting extra close. Maybe you guys cuddle, maybe you spoon together. Again, just think about it. Forget the fact that you guys live together and that you used to date and you have a child that came from hooking up, just look at it. If this was a girl, say, a hot roommate just moved in with you, and she’s kind of seeing somebody, but it’s not really serious or not exclusive or whatever, then any time she’s asking to hang out, if I were you, I wouldn’t ask her out on any dates, but if she’s asking to watch a movie, then watch a movie with her, eat some popcorn, joke and laugh through the movie, tease her, touch each other. Again, you would treat her just like somebody that you’re on a first date with who you’ve asked to Netflix and chill. So if the signs are there that she’s ready to be touched, kissed and seduced, escalate things and seduce her.

Don’t try to be thinking that there’s got to be some formal moment for intimacy, or some formal moment where you say, “OK, now we’re back together.” It doesn’t work that way. All relationships come from casual hanging out, having fun and hooking up, and you’re already living under the same roof, so it’s just a matter of time as you continue to apply what’s in the book and your skills improve, you notice that she’s attracted, that you can seduce her.

3. Do you think she’s keeping me as a fallback plan if her current relationship doesn’t work out?

Well, you’re both living under the same roof, and it seems like you’re both free agents, but you have to be realistic that it looks like, at least for the time being, the guy that she’s seeing, you mentioned relationship, does that mean that they’re exclusive? You weren’t really clear on whether or not they were exclusive, but if they were exclusive, or are exclusive, that’s an unusual situation for that particular guy to be in where, “Oh, I live with my ex-boyfriend. The father. My baby daddy,” in essence. “Oh, by the way, there’s nothing going on between us.” Some guys would be OK with it. Like I said, when the signs are there that she’s ready to be touched, kissed and seduced, if it’s offered, if she’s open to it and the signs are there that are in the book, then seduce her.

I’m exploring dating others, but haven’t found anyone worthwhile. What should my next steps be? In the meantime, I’ll keep studying 3% Man and following your video newsletters.

Thank you,

Bob

Well, keep doing what you’re doing. If the opportunity is there, again if she asks you to watch a movie and you got nothing else going on, hang out and watch the movie. If she gets close and she’s frisky, kiss her, seduce her, have the attitude of, “Hey, she’s living in my house and she’s the mother of my child. If she’s touching me,” you’re going to slowly reciprocate and seduce her, and this other guy? Who fucking cares? He’s just kind of getting in the way at this point and he’s interfering.

Like I said, if she appears open to it, escalate. If not, then who cares? Keep dating and hooking up with other women and the more you are having fun with other women and she’s like, “Hey, you want to watch a movie?” He’s like, “Oh, sorry babe, I can’t. I got a date tonight.” She’s like, “Oh, you’ve been seeing that girl a lot.” It’s like, “Well, things are going well.” “You think you’re going to get serious?” “I don’t know, it’s too early, but we’re having fun. She’s great in bed. Why? Are you jealous? You want to join my practice squad, is that what you’re saying? Do you want me to give you another chance? I can’t promise anything, but if you’re down, I’m down to hook up. I’m down to Netflix and chill or friends with benefits, and see how it goes.” Just take it as it comes, man.

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