My Ex & I Are Hooking Up Again, But She Doesn’t Want To Get Back Together

What to do if you’re hooking up with your ex again but she doesn’t want to get back together.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a 35-year-old viewer who got dumped by his 25-year-old ex-girlfriend about eight weeks ago. He went no contact and started working on himself to become a better man. She came by a few weeks ago to pickup her stuff and settle things between them. They ended up going to dinner and had sex all night long. However, she says she still doesn’t want to get back together.

He wants to know why she will sleep with him but not want to get back together. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

So in this particular email, this guy is 35. He got dumped by his 25-year-old girlfriend about eight weeks ago. He went no contact, started working on himself to become a better man, started going to the gym, getting fit, getting in shape, being disciplined, being an attractive guy again. Then she reached back out. She’s going to come over and just pick up her stuff, exchange their stuff and then ride off into the sunset, but they ended up going to dinner, having sex all night, but she’s like, “I don’t want to get back together with you. My decision still stands.” So he’s like, “What the hell do I do?” So let’s go through his email.

Viewer Email:

Hi Corey,

My (35-year-old male) ex-girlfriend (25-year-old female) broke up with me about eight weeks ago. She didn’t see a future together anymore and there were some annoyances from her side regarding promises I made which I did not keep (Working on the house, quitting smoking, taking care of myself and more) which caused her to lose faith in my words and me as a person.

Well, if you’re a man and you’re constantly making promises to your girlfriend or your wife and then you don’t follow through, eventually at some point she’s going to give up on you and she’s not going to trust your masculine core. She’s not going to take anything that you say seriously because you say things and you commit to things you simply don’t mean. You’re not a man of your word. That’s not going to make a woman feel safe. It’s not going to make her trust your leadership. If you’re not disciplined, then you’re undisciplined. If you’re undisciplined, you’re typically not going to be a competent man. If you’re not competent, it’s pretty hard to be confident.

You have to do the little things as a man in order to cause a woman to feel safe and comfortable enough to want to date and sleep with you and be in a relationship with you. If you’re constantly vacillating back and forth between being a man and then being a little girl that doesn’t know what to do, and you can’t even discipline yourself to take care of things, eventually at some point, she’s going to tap out because you’re not competent and you’re not confident.

Luckily, I did not make many grave mistakes since then. When she broke up with me I did talk to her about me wanting to fight for the relationship and giving it another chance, but she was adamant it was over. We then went low contact and I gave her the space she wanted and needed.

So if he’s going low contact, I think what that really means is that he continued reaching out to her even after she asked for space.

I started working on myself (Therapy, working out, eating healthy, meeting people, hobbies, etc.) and she noticed these changes when we did speak every once in a while. I noticed she was proud of me and even a little annoyed that I was making these changes only after she broke up with me.

Well, the strongest negotiating position is being able to walk away and mean it. When you guys were together, you had these discussions. She probably complained often about the things that you weren’t doing, and you kept giving her the Kentucky guarantee that you were going to work on it or were working on it, and, “We’re going to take care of it,” just to get her off your back, but you never really, deep down, had any intention of following through. Then it wasn’t until she finally left you that you were like, “Oh wow. I didn’t think she was serious,” which is usually what most guys say after they get dumped.

She also heard that there were some other women chasing me, which made her feel insecure and which caused her to contact me a little more then usual.

Well, the phone is for setting dates. You should be following the script that’s in 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back. Also, as I discussed in 3% Man, the phone is for setting dates. Not getting to know somebody, not trying to create rapport. You sell them in person. So if you’ve been dumped and she says she doesn’t want to get back together, then you go no contact. If she calls you just to see how you are, just say, “Well, I’m trying to move on with my life. If you’re not interested in seeing me romantically, then it’s probably best that we don’t talk anymore so I can get focused on what I need to be focused on so I can attract somebody that really cares for me and wants to be with me and will make the effort, because you clearly don’t at this point,” then you go no contact.

You don’t keep being the emotional tampon on the phone, because when you do that after you’ve been dumped, what’s really going on is women check in from time to time just to see if you’re still in backup position in case they don’t find somebody else or it doesn’t work out with the new guy they’re dating and sleeping with. Then meanwhile, you’re thinking there’s a potential you’re going to get back together, so you put your personal life on hold and you’re her backup plan. Then all of a sudden you find out she gets exclusive with somebody else, then she’s like, “Hey, I can’t talk anymore. I’m in a relationship with somebody else. See you later. Wish you the best.” Then she disappears and then you’ve wasted all that time of your life waiting for her to give you another chance instead of just moving on with somebody else.

Don’t be the emotional tampon. Your job, as I discuss in 3% Man, is to create an opportunity for sex to happen, to hang out, to have fun while you’re hanging out and then to hook up when the signs are there that she’s ready to be touched, ready to be kissed and ready to be seduced.

About two weeks ago, she came by to pick up her stuff and settle the last things that are left in our relationship (Keys, family Whatsapp groups, events, etc.) We ended up going out for dinner, then drinks, then dancing and then ended up at her place and had sex all night.

Well, that’s your job. Hang out, have fun and hook up. Rinse, recycle, repeat. Since she’s the one that dumped you, she’s got to reach out. Next, she has to earn another chance with you, not the other way around. Again, this is all detailed in 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back, the article and video that I did.

Since then, she’s been a lot more loving and caring again, but still says she didn’t change her mind about anything (yet).

Again, your job is just to arrange the next get together for sex, the next opportunity for sex to happen.

After we had this sex filled night, she wanted to set up another date to meet up again, not just for sex, but also for dinner and perhaps going to a show or museum. she even said it would be nice to visit another city and get a hotel room.

If you take a step back and you think about how things were when you guys first started dating, this is it. It was just casual dating and hooking up. As you wait for her to reach out, now she has reached out, now she wants to set up another date, so she wants to see you again. You have to understand that it takes time for women to fall in love. Then it takes time for them to fall out of love. Then it takes time for them to fall back in love. So it’s a slow progression, like I talk about in the book. Typically, when you first start dating a girl, if you do everything right, exactly as it appears in the book, she’ll typically be in love by around week six or seven and wanting to be exclusive. It’s a process. You just need to make the opportunity for sex to happen, to make the dates happen. That’s it. Hang out, have fun, hook up. That’s it.

Stop focusing on locking her down to a commitment or getting back together or even bringing that up. Your job is just to arrange the next opportunity for sex to happen. When she’s ready and she feels it and she’s in love and, “You’ve changed. You’re so amazing. I’m so glad,” then she’ll want to be exclusive and she’ll let you know. Until then, hang out, have fun, hook up. Rinse, recycle, repeat.

So I have a feeling there is a possibility that she wants to get back together…

Again, stop focusing on getting back together. Just focus on making the next opportunity for sex happen.

…But why is she still acting hot and cold, and saying things like, “Things haven’t changed in my mind.” How do I proceed from here and should I bring up that I want us to try again?

No fucking way. You should be following what’s in 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back.

Or should that be left 100% up to her? 

Again, that’s what I talk about in 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back. You have to understand she unilaterally ended the relationship. Therefore, she’s got to fix it. That’s why you go no contact. She wasn’t interested in fixing it. She wasn’t interested in trying. Even though she still says she’s not interested in trying again, she’s still fucking you. As a man, that’s all you really owe, is the opportunity for sex to happen. Make the fucking happen. Other than that, the rest is up to her. Why buy the cow when you get the milk for free?

In two weeks we will be meeting again and I really want to (After the sex) tell her that I want to give the relationship another try. Is this a bad idea?

Thanks,

Bob

You bet your ass it’s a bad idea. Especially when she’s telling you she’s not going to change her mind. It’s a process. It’s going to take a couple of months for her to get to that point. If you keep bringing it up, what you’re going to do is she’s going to bounce from you again and it’s going to take longer to get together next. So don’t call, don’t text or do anything in between now and the next time you see her. If she ever happens to text you 9:00, 10:00 at night and she’s like, “Hey, what are you doing? How are you?” Just say, “Come over,” because obviously she’s thinking about a booty call. If she’s calling or texting at 9:00 or 10:00 at night, just say, “Come over,” and make it happen. Hang out, have fun, hook up. That’s all you need to focus on all this. Like, “I got to lock her down,” because you’re afraid of losing her. I mean, you’ve already lost the relationship. As a man, it’s not your wheelhouse. Your wheelhouse is to make the opportunity for sex to happen and fuck her brains out so she’s excited to come back and get dicked down again the next time. That’s what you need to do.

You’re in a great place. This is such an easy situation to fix. All you have to do is wait to hear from her, make the next date, beat up her pelvis, send her away with lots of happy finishes, spank her in the butt and say, “Call me later,” when she leaves. That’s it. Then the next time she reaches out, assume she wants to see you, make a date, invite her over. It doesn’t matter. Just get together, fuck her brains out and then let her be. As the weeks go by and she continues to see the changes in you, you’re not needy and you’re not treating her like your mommy or your emotional support human anymore, the relationship becomes her idea, and that happens when her feelings get to the level of nine out of 10. When she starts to feel love again, then she’s going to start asking you about other girls and wanting to lock you down. She’ll bring it up, so you need to resist the urge to bring it up to her.

Again, feminine energy is bonding, connecting, opening up to receive love, relationships, dating, labels, commitments, family nesting, having a having a family and kids and all that stuff. That’s the woman’s department. That’s why it’s counterproductive for the guy to bring it up, because 99% of the time the guy is wanting to bring it up, it’s way too soon, way too early. If she brings it up, it’s her idea, that means she’s feeling it at that point. That’s the important thing.

This is such an easy situation to fix. You did great going no contact. Now again, you already got a date. You’re going to see her in a few weeks. You’re going to fuck her brains out again. So what? In the meantime, you can be talking to other girls or going out with other girls because hey, she’s saying things, “Haven’t changed in my mind.” You got a hall pass, so play ball, big boy.

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