She Told Me She Wasn’t Looking For Random Hookups. Then Hooked Up With Another Guy!

What it means getting rejected by a woman who says she’s not into random hookups then sleeps with another guy.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a viewer who seemed to click with his hot new female roommate. The roommates all went on a weekend trip and they spent most of their time together. They didn’t go all the way in bed and just kissed after she told him she wasn’t looking for random hookups. When they got back she went out that night and had a random hookup with another guy she met in the club.

Now things are kind of awkward and he’s unsure of what to do. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

In this particular email, this guy has a roommate situation where there’s apparently four people that live under the same roof. So an old roommate moved out and this cute girl moves in. Apparently the emailer already had this weekend trip planned with his other two roommates, and he says, “Hey, you should join us,” and of course she did and so on. Most of the trip, I guess they rented scooters, he and this new girl took off on their scooter together and spent the next couple days together mostly and apparently there was a little kissy-poo going on, and he’s thinking he’s finally going to get to the promised land. Then she goes, “Hey, I’m not looking for random hookups,” so he backed off and stopped his approach and thought, “Well, I’ll just slow it down a little bit anyways.”

They get back and then the very next day she goes out clubbing, I guess with maybe with some of the other roommates or mutual friends or I guess one of the other roommates is a girl as well. So I think it may be two guys, two girls, it’s kind of hard to tell, but that’s kind of what it looks like. This girl goes to the club with one of the other roommates, acquaintance or friend or whatever, and ends up going home with some other dude. Remember, this is the girl that says, “I’m not looking for random hookups,” but then she goes and does a random hookup with a guy she met at the club, and then his roommate is like, “Hey, she went home with some dude from the club.”

Anyways, she does the walk of shame at like 11 a.m. the next day, and he hasn’t really talked to her much, but he kind of feels like a chump because now he knows kind of what’s going on. Typically if a woman says, “Hey, I’m not looking for a random hookup,” and you’re fooling around with her, usually what that means is she just doesn’t want a random hookup with you. You got to look at what women do, not what they say. If you’re in a roommate situation, a girl just moves in, this is where your game’s got to be tight, because if you slip up or if you give her the impression that if she goes all the way with you and hooks up, that you’re going to become kind of clingy and needy because most relatively attractive women have experienced this before, they’ve met guys, they’ve gone out on dates and the dudes just become super clingy. So she just moved in with a bunch of people. She doesn’t want her roommate, her male roommate that she’s hanging out with, doing a little kissy-poo with, if she can kind of tell that he’s going to get attached and it may not end well, then she’ll say something like that so it doesn’t go all the way just because she doesn’t want to deal with the drama of somebody in her house. If your game is sloppy and she kind of feels like you’re gonna be a stage five clinger, you’re going to get rejected.

Viewer Email:

Hey Coach,

I’ve been working on improving my dating life and have read your book six times now. I wanted to get your perspective on a situation I’m dealing with.

Three days ago, a new girl moved into my apartment as a roommate. I had already booked a two-day trip to a nearby island with my other two roommates, and when she moved in, we asked if she wanted to join us. She agreed, and during the trip, it was clear that we were interested in each other.

At least at that moment in time, it appeared clear.

We rented two scooters, and she chose to ride with me.

Well, it definitely seems like she’s interested, at least at this point in our journey, our weekend journey.

After an hour, we decided to separate from the group and spent two amazing days together, exploring beaches and enjoying each other’s company. It felt like we had known each other for much longer because of everything we experienced together in such a short time. 

So what does that tell you? He’s kind of got her on a pedestal, he’s a little dopey, he’s pretty super excited, he’s like, “Oh, I finally met the one for me,” starting to treat her like a girlfriend, probably got a little sloppy in his game. Again, he says he read the book six times, so I don’t know if that’s before this happened or after this happened, but at the end of the day, let’s see what happens.

At the end of the trip, we ended up sleeping together (Only heavy kissing)…

You should have said, “We slept in the same bed together and kissed, but it didn’t go any further.”

…But she always stopped me before finishing the deal because she wasn’t looking for random hookups.

So that tells me his seduction game was a little sloppy, didn’t really understand two steps forward, one step back and he kept trying to advance things when clearly she wasn’t open to it.

He’s got to spend more time with the book. This is why I say, not only do you got to read it 10 or 15 times, but you got to practice it because you have to go through the seduction process enough times and encounter enough resistance to recognize when you’re going too fast. Typically younger guys, he kind of sounds like he’s probably in college or something maybe, younger guys just have, for the most part, haven’t been in enough situations to where their game is just really smooth. In other words, if he hooks up with her, he’s going to be able to keep his mouth shut and not blab it to half the town or not be doing cartwheels, telling everybody that they’re going to live happily ever after. In other words, she wants to know if they hook up, that it can be just a hookup and he’s not going to get all emotionally wrapped up and clingy and make things weird and awkward, but he’s trying to advance things and he’s getting rejected, so that tells me he’s probably just hasn’t had enough practice in these kinds of situations to really get smooth yet to where he doesn’t get rejected.

I found this attractive…

Her saying, “I’m not looking for random hookups,” what she’s really telling him, and he doesn’t realize it at the moment, is that she’s just not looking for a random hookup with him, probably because she doesn’t think he can handle it. In other words, he’s not going to really make it an easy and effortless drama free type thing if he gets a little too clingy. Now she’s got a situation where she’s got a dopey roommate who makes everything weird and awkward. In other words, he gave her the vibe that he just couldn’t handle it. She was his Kryptonite, so she decided that she was not going to let him get to the Promised Land.

…And thought she had potential for a serious relationship…

Bro, you just met. “I think she’s got potential for a serious relationship.” That just tells me he definitely doesn’t have enough experience. Hey man, if I was in your situation, I would have never even probably got this far when I was your age because I really didn’t understand things back then, but that’s OK. At least you’re here and you have the opportunity, because I assume you’re going to be living together for a while. So you should look at a delay is not an outright denial. It just means you’re going a little too fast, a little too anxious, a little too serious, you probably treated her a little too much like a girlfriend. Just like the fact that you’re saying she’s got potential for a serious relationship, you were probably treating her like a girlfriend in those two days together and she just made the decision that, “Yeah, if I sleep with this guy, there’s no way he’s going to be able to handle it,” so she decided not to.

…As she checked all the boxes I look for in a partner.

Again, you just can’t know that yet. It’s too soon. In other words, he’s ready to give her the Stanley Cup and say, “Ding ding! You’re the winner. Let’s live happily ever after,” and she’s just like, “I just moved in here, and I’m just getting to know everybody.” It takes time for a woman to fall in love, and he’s ready to go ring shopping it sounds like.

This is not the first guy that’s behaved this way with her when he really likes her, and she’s been around the block enough times with other dudes to know that it usually doesn’t end well. Especially if you’re living with a guy. So he talked her out of sleeping with him is what happened.

However, the day after we returned home, she went to a club with my other roommate (A girl).

So yeah, I guess it seems like it’s two girls and two guys.

Later, my roommate came home alone and told me that the girl I was seeing…

Again, he’s like, “We’re ‘seeing’ each other.” He hung out on a weekend, you’re not “seeing” one another. Again, in his mind, he’s in a relationship with her.

…Had left with a guy she met at the club. Your phrase, “Judge women by what they do, not what they say,” keeps running through my mind. I’m feeling pretty stupid, obviously the guy did something I did not.

Yeah, his game was tight. He was a random guy in a club, a random hookup, and wasn’t going to cause any drama with roommates.

When she came back home around 11 a.m. the next day…

The walk of shame, as we like to call it.

…She said hi, but I didn’t respond and she went to take a shower.

I would have just been like, “Hey, I heard you had a good night.” I would have said something. “I heard you had an eventful evening.” You got to troll. You got to have some fun with it because you got to communicate that you’re totally indifferent to it. Like it doesn’t bother you one way or another. As a matter of fact, you should be amused by the whole thing and take it as an opportunity to break your balls, because then that’s going to communicate that you really don’t care one way or another, but if she says hi and you just ignore her like your butt-hurt, that’s not going to help.

So my question is: How should I handle this situation? Should I act like nothing happened because she’s not my girlfriend?

Yeah, exactly. You made the mistake of treating her like your girlfriend and that’s why she bounced and went and hooked up with some random guy from the club because the random guy wasn’t going to create any drama in the house, but hooking up with you, whatever you said, whatever you did when you were with her, you communicated that you couldn’t handle it. So that’s why she withdrew your access to the box.

Yesterday, we were all at a party, and she saw me having fun with other girls and seemed really interested in talking to me, but I just chose not to do it. What’s your take on this?

Thank you for everything,

Bob

Well, I would definitely be talking to other women because she told you she’s not looking for a random hookup, but then she went out and did a random hookup, so you shouldn’t get butt-hurt one way or another, you’d be totally indifferent to it. Put your attention on other women, talking to other women and seducing other women. How would you treat her if you were tired of fucking her? How would you treat her if you didn’t like having sex with her? What if the sex was bad or if she always has real bad breath? Yet you got to live with her. You’d be nice. You’re happy to talk to her if she comes over. You’re not going to communicate that you’re mad, you’re upset or you’re butt-hurt. You’re indifferent. You’re just not giving her any of your romantic attention. You’re going to give it to somebody else. Unless of course, she starts touching you and getting extra close, then you can initiate kissy-poo and hanging out, but if she backs off and gets a little distant, then go back to talking to other girls.

This can actually work to your advantage if you know how to play it, but it seems like you’re coming off as like you’re kind of butt-hurt, so that’s not going to help. So when you see her say, “Hello,” smile, make eye contact. Again, if you are tired of having sex with her, you wouldn’t really care. You would just treat her like another human being. You wouldn’t be bothered one way or another. You’d be kind of glad that now she’s got some other guy to hook up with, because then she’s not going to get all clingy with you if you start hooking up with other women. That’s the way you need to look at it. That’s really, truly what being indifferent to it means. It means you don’t care one way or another.

If she wants to come over, be close to you and start touching you physically, you’ll reciprocate slowly, but if she withdraws and goes and gives somebody else her attention, then you’re going to give your romantic attention to the next girl in line, or the next girl at the party, or whatever it happens to be. In other words, if she shows that she’s open to hanging out and having fun potentially and hooking up, advance things. If she seems like she wants to be away from you, let her go be away from you. Be glad that she’s away from you so you can give your time and attention to other girls that you obviously don’t live with and there’s no weird interaction, because if she sees you and feels, most importantly, that you’re totally unbothered, you couldn’t care less, as a matter of fact, if you tease her and you bust your balls about it, I would imagine maybe it comes up or whatever, if there’s an opportunity and there’s joking around and you’re hanging out and the topic of she went home with this guy the other night, maybe the girl roommate says something, just say, “Oh, you got to keep in mind, she’s not into random hookups, though. I’m sure she went home, went back to that dude’s place and kept her hands to herself. She’s an innocent little church girl. Innocent child of God of course.” Like who cares? “Hey, good for you.” I’ll high five you. “Hey, at least you got laid,” or whatever. “Was the sex good?” You shouldn’t care one way or another. What you’re doing is you’re communicating that you’re butt-hurt. This is exactly why she told you she wasn’t into random hookups, because she didn’t think you could handle it. She could tell you’d get butt-hurt and upset, so that’s why she went and did it with somebody else, because she really was down to hookup, especially if she spent all that time with you.

So what will be confusing to you is if you’re indifferent to it, if you’re humorous about it, if you’re playful because that’s what being humorous is, it shows that you’re really not bothered, but when you give her the silent treatment, she says hello, you ignore it or you seem kind of angry and pissed off, she may even come up to you and attempt to troll you, “You seem a little upset.” Like, “What do you mean? Upset about what? Well, my drink is getting a little warm. Maybe I’m a little upset because you came over and you didn’t bring me a cold beer. What good are you? You can’t cook a home cooked meal. You can’t even bring a man a nice ice cold beer. What is this? What kind of service is this shit? What kind of joint are you running here?”

Again, if you have that kind of a jovial, “I don’t care” one way, everything is humorous and amusing to you, then that’s attractive, because then she starts to think, “Well, maybe I misjudged this guy.” You never know. Late at night, you might hear a knock on your door and you’re like, “Who is it? Housekeeping?” And she comes on in and is like, “Hey, are you a little cold? Well, come on in here, little girl, and I’ll warm you up.” Hang out, have fun while you’re hanging out and hook up when the signs are there that she’s ready to be kissed, ready to be touched, ready to be seduced.

You should treat all women the same. Equal opportunity seducer. Where you went wrong is you started kind of focusing on her and, “Oh, this is serious relationship material. She checks all my boxes.” In essence, treated her like a girlfriend, so she bounced, you kind of smothered her. She felt like getting involved with you meant she would lose her freedom and things would get awkward, but if you’re giving all your attention to other cute girls and you’re not really paying any attention to her unless she comes up to get your attention, now she’s pursuing you.

I mean, you’re living together. You’re going to have other opportunities. Say, you start hooking up with her. You should continue dating and hooking up with other random girls because that’s what she’s doing. You judging her as girlfriend material and checking all your boxes, that’s absurd. You spend a little bit of time with her. You don’t know what you don’t know yet, bro. People can hide who they are for about the first 90 days, and it will be easier to get to know her since you’re living together. She might even bring home another random dude to your house and hook up with him. Then you get to hear her moaning and screaming while he’s plowing and beating up her pelvis. So you have to really be totally indifferent. You couldn’t care one way or another. You’re humorous about it. I mean, if she was one of your frat bros, if this was a cute girl you live with but you really had no interest in dating and hooking up with her, you’re going to have fun, you’re going to hear her stories of hooking up with other people, or dates that didn’t go well, you should be able to laugh with her along with it and not be bothered, because when you communicate that you’re not bothered and you’re totally indifferent, that’s when women become even more aggressive, because then they realize that you don’t care one way or another. You can take it or leave it. That’s truly what indifference is.

You definitely have some work to do. It would behoove you to have several other girls that you can date and hook up with, especially if they’re cute girls and she knows you hooked up with them. Then if she asks you about it, “Did you hook up with that girl last night?” You just say, “Gentlemen, don’t kiss and tell.” “Well, I saw her coming out of your room this morning scantily clad.” It’s like, “I don’t know what you’re talking about. I think you got me confused with one of your other roommates.” It’s like, “No, I saw her come out. She didn’t have a top on and she was going to the bathroom.” It’s like, “I think you’re imagining things. I think you’re hallucinating. I’m an innocent child of God. I would never do such a thing. I would never bring a cute girl back to my house. I don’t want you to get jealous.” Have fun with it. That’s kind of attitude you want to have. Then probably before you know it, she’ll be staying in your bed. You got to be cool with it. You got to let her come and go. You can’t be like, “This is the one. I gotta have her to myself,” because then you chase her out of your life and she bounces.

It could be a fun hookup girl. I wouldn’t really look at her as a relationship material, especially when she just went home with some other dude. Probably on some level, she was doing it because deep down she didn’t think you could handle it, and she was probably assuming you get really jealous and upset and she did come home and you were kind of irritated and pissed off. So that’s kind of a a bad way to go, my man.

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