When Should I Ask For My Stuff Back After A Break Up?

How to know when you should ask for & get your stuff back after a breakup.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a viewer who got dumped by his girlfriend of three years about two weeks ago. He’s 27 and she’s 32. He admits he was acting very beta and got very insecure. He says he messed up and didn’t take reading 3% Man seriously 10-15 times. Now he’s on his 5th read. They are in no contact, but he has some expensive tools at her place because he was doing home renovations for her.

He says he also has some of her stuff and wonders when he should ask for it back. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

Well, this particular email is from a guy who got dumped by his girlfriend of three years about two weeks ago. He’s 27, she’s 32, and he admits that he was acting very beta and got very insecure. He says he messed up by not taking me seriously when I say you got to read 3% Man 10 to 15 times. Now he’s on his fifth read and he says there is no contact, but he’s got some expensive tools and other things that are in the house because I guess he was helping her do some renovations on her house.

So he’s in no contact. He obviously wants to get back together and recognizes that his unattractive behavior turned her off to the point where she just didn’t have any romantic feelings for him anymore, but he’s got these really expensive tools over there because it sounds like in the middle of it, this came suddenly to him. He didn’t expect it. Plus, he’s also got some of her stuff. He does have a key to her place. Still, she hasn’t asked for it back or anything like that. He’s asking, “Should I just go over there and pick the stuff up? Should I call her family and tell her I’m coming by?” Because it sounds like she actually lives with some of her family members. The idea is he doesn’t want to break no contact, but he also doesn’t want to let this stuff go on indefinitely, because those tools are pretty expensive and valuable to him.

Viewer’s Email:

Hey Coach,

My girlfriend of three years and I broke up two weeks ago. I am 27 and she is 32. I admit I was acting like a beta male and got very insecure. I messed up for not reading your book 10 to 15 times as well as for not revisiting your book sooner.

Yeah. It’s amazing. The last couple days, I’ve talked to a couple guys that had some long term relationships breaking up. Like one of them in particular, he was following me for 10 years, read the book a bunch of times, but same thing that all guys do in long term relationships. He didn’t make her feel heard and understood, he stopped dating and courting her because he had just bought a house, they’re doing all the work to the house, so it’s very expensive, so he accumulated some debt. So he’s working extra to try to pay down the debt, he’s no longer coming home and making her feel heard and understood, and he kind of knew it. She’s complaining all the time that they never do anything together, and he’s, “Oh, we got to pay this off. We got to do that,” and it’s just not clicking with him. Deep down he kind of knew what he was doing was wrong, but he did it anyways. He didn’t think it was so bad. Then he finds out when it’s kind of too late, when things have really gone sideways, then he gets back into the book.

You got to do the work up front. It doesn’t matter how good you are or how well you know the material. If the love story stops, if you stop dating and courting your girl, some other guy eventually is going to come along and do it for you. If you don’t make her feel heard and understood, well that guy that she works with or that she knows from the gym that,”Oh, you don’t have to worry about him. He’s just a friend.” He’s sitting there taking your place because you’re no longer doing the things that you used to do to make her feel heard and understood, and now some other guy comes along and actually takes the time to do that. So as her attraction drops for you, her attraction starts to grow for the new guy. Once her respect is gone and her attraction is gone and she’s complained about it enough times, and not only do you not change anything, but on top of that, you use logic and reason to try to justify why nothing’s going to change, eventually the woman’s going to give up and just, “Well, he just doesn’t care. He’s not getting the message. I guess I’m not that important to him.” Then some other guy is making her feel important.

If you’re with a low character woman, she’s going to dick you down pretty bad. If you’re with a high character woman, she’s going to leave, she’s going to end the relationship, get her own place again, take some time to heal, reestablish some friendships that she may have let fall by the wayside, get back in the gym, do those kinds of things. Then when she’s ready and feels like she’s healed enough, then she’ll start dating. Whereas the low character women are just going to be looking for the exits, they’re going to be looking to monkey branch, and to them, all’s fair in love and war. You didn’t do what you were supposed to do, you changed. Therefore, they’ll cheat on you, they’ll monkey branch to some other dude and not feel any remorse for doing that, because again, they’re low character people. So when the courtship stops and she doesn’t feel heard and understood, then you’re really going to find out how good your vetting process was before you got into a relationship. Unfortunately, a lot of guys find out the hard way that they didn’t do a very good job of vetting the woman up front.

So now she has broken up with me. I basically told her I respect her decision and I’m sure she’ll be back, and to just reach out when she is ready to start something romantically with me again. It has now been two weeks and I have not contacted her. She still has our photos on her Instagram, she still shares her location with me, she still hasn’t watched our show that is her absolute favorite before I came into her life, and she still deposits money into our shared bank account.

So if we look at those actions, she’s pushed him away, saying, “I don’t want to be in this relationship anymore,” but everything is still kind of connected. It’s not like she’s removing him from social media, which it doesn’t mean she won’t in the future. It just means right now, for these two weeks, she’s getting to see what life is like without him. Most importantly, she’s getting to feel what life is like without him calling, without him texting, without him coming over to see her. The silence is deafening. So if there’s any kind of interest or any kind of attraction or any kind of remorse on her part, and she starts to think, “What have I done? Did you meet somebody else? He doesn’t really seem to be that bothered by me breaking up with him. I haven’t heard anything,” so everything’s kind of in limbo.

So this is a good thing because you don’t want to break the tension, because in a negotiation, you who speaks first loses, and what did he tell her? He’s like, “Oh, you’ll be back. Just reach out. Reach out when you’re ready to start something romantic.” In other words, “If you change your mind, get in touch.” So at this time right now, it’s very critical to just let her be. Let her be present with her feelings. Let her see what life is like without you, because if you start calling, texting and getting in her face, you’re breaking that tension. It’s like opening the oven when you’re baking a cake and going, “Is it done yet?” You’re dissipating any sexual anticipation that may have crept up on her, so you just want to let her be.

This is often why women say, “I need space,” when you’re smothering them, is because women instinctively know if they just have time and space away from you to wonder about you and to think about you, they know that it’s possible that their feelings return. So you’ve got to give her the space. She says, “I don’t want you,” and you’re like, “All right, you’ll be back. Call me.” I actually did a video a couple of years ago called She’ll Be Back, and that’s the attitude you want to have. That’s what he says. He’s like, “You’ll be back.” In other words, he wasn’t like, “Oh, it’s the end of the world, Stella. Please don’t dump me. Oh mommy, I need you.” He’s like, “You’ll be back.” That’s the attitude you want to have. “Take all the time you need. You’ll be back,” and just let her be. Don’t break the tension by reaching out, even if you got stuff over at her place. So obviously she’s got all this stuff on social media, she’s still depositing money into their shared bank account, I assume for maybe joint bills that they may have or whatever.

Now I’m at a point where I’m thinking, “What if she doesn’t come back and now my stuff is at her apartment and we have an account together?” What should I do about trying to get my stuff back but still display alpha male?

Well, as far as you’re concerned, you told her, “I’m not interested in the breakup. I respect your decision. Get in touch if you change your mind, but you’ll be back.” So be congruent with what you told her. You have to give women the time and space to follow through on their plans and their commitments to you, or to flake out and disappear forever. Right now, she’s not removing you from social media, she’s still depositing money into your joint bank account. So it looks like from her actions, two weeks into no contact, she’s not ready to completely blow it up. So that’s why it’s critical just to let her be.

I have a lot of expensive tools there because I was helping her remodel her room before she broke up with me. My question is, how do I got about getting my stuff back?

I wouldn’t do anything right now because sometimes guys will do this. They’ll leave stuff there thinking, “Oh, this gives me another reason to contact her.” It’s not really about breaking no contact. It gives them a reason to contact her, to try to see if her interest is crept up. That’s why at this point, you just need to let her be. Give her the time and space away from you to wonder about you, to think about you, to miss you, to second guess herself, to wonder if she did the right decision. Again, he’s looking at his social media and the fact she’s still putting money into their joint bank account, it’s like those are not the actions of a woman who’s done and is gone forever. Those are the actions of a woman that’s just letting things lie to see how she feels, so don’t fuck with it. You never try to keep somebody who doesn’t want to keep you. She pushed you away and your attitude was like, “When you miss me, you’ll be back,” and that’s the right attitude to have.

Do I reach out to her and get it?

Well, right now I wouldn’t do anything.

Do I use the key I still have to get it?

I wouldn’t do anything right now.

Do I reach out to her family she lives with to try and get it back?

I wouldn’t do any of that.

Is it all a lost cause and just need to forget about that stuff as I should have gotten it all back in the beginning?

No, not at all. If you look at what she’s doing, she’s not doing anything to just blow it up, she’s not removing you from social media, so that tells me she doesn’t want the questions from her friends and family, “Oh, what happened to you guys? You were such a great couple. I thought you were going to get married and live happily ever after.” She’s not doing anything to communicate to the world, “Oh, we’re donsies.” It’s like you’re kind of in limbo, so let it be. This is like a game of chicken at this point. As the late, great Doc Love would have said, “You got to outwait and outwit women.” So we’re letting her be so she can be present with her feelings, so she can see what life is like without you. The longer time goes on, and if there’s some kind of interest and it starts to creep back up, she’ll reach back out. If she reaches back out with, “Hey, how are you? How you been? I’ve been thinking about you. I miss you,” assume she wants to see you, invite her over to make dinner at your place, hang out, have fun, hook up. Just like I talked about in the article and video 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back.

Should I just wait for her to reach out to me as I still have some of her stuff?

Yeah, I would. I’m assuming you don’t have to have these tools back for what you do for a living or anything, but obviously, I know having worked in the construction industry and have a lot of expensive tools myself, those are not things that you want to just let go by the wayside. From her actions at this moment in time, it doesn’t look like she’s ending it. So I would say there’s 50/50 shots she’s going to come back. So I would just outwait her. If you go and you pick it up and then you drop her stuff off, you’re basically saying, “Hey, it’s over. I’m out of here,” because you told her you didn’t want to break up. So don’t do anything that communicates you want to break up. Just let her be. Let her have the space that she’s asked for. Then when she starts to miss you, she’ll reach out and then just make the next opportunity for sex to happen.

Also since we have broken up, I didn’t just sit around and wait for her to come back. Obviously I loved her and I cried and still hurt, but everyday I go to work, I go to the gym, and I study for my EMT test to pursue being a firefighter.

Well, that’s what you’re supposed to do as a man regardless of what’s going on in your personal life. As men, we’re like heat seeking missiles, and we’re going towards our target. If she wants to join us, wonderful. Now we got a sweet chocolate fudge sundae with a cherry on top. If not, well maybe down the road we’ll get one. Point being is that you just keep moving forward.

I’m pushing through to live my life and try to get a little better on my own one day at a time. I’m trying to let her live her life and for me to live mine. I been reading your book and am on the 5th time reading your book.

That’s good, because now you’re getting that familiar with the material, she has space away from you for her feelings to start to creep back up so if she does reach back out, we want her to find a guy whose game is tighter and all those things that, like he said, he was acting like a beta male, he was acting insecure. In other words, he was acting so unattractive it turned her off to the point where she’s like, “I don’t think I even want a relationship with you anymore,” and what does he do? Kind of in a cocky and playful way, he’s like, “You’ll be back.” I mean, that’s the right thing to do. So now as he’s going through the book, the light bulbs can start to go off and he’s like, “Oh shit, I did that! Oh damn!”

That’s what happens. If you don’t go through the book enough, each time you go through it, maybe you retain about 7%, 8%. So if you only went through it once or twice, probably way before he even got into a relationship or met this girl, he didn’t really know the material, and hat’s what led to the breakup, him not having enough of an awareness of the material to see what he was doing wrong when he was doing it. It wasn’t until after she pushed him away that he started admitting to himself that his behavior was unattractive, because you see those things, you see her kind of get turned off by what you do, what you say and then you think, “Oh, it’s OK. It’s not that big a deal.” Then the next week you do something else. It’s unattractive. So these all tend to build upon each other until her interest gets so low, it’s like around a five or a six, and that’s when she breaks things off. So for now, we’re not going to do anything.

I’m preparing myself for the possibility of if she comes back, then I can decide and have all the knowledge I need to make a decision on if I want her back or not.

Yeah, because in that case, you’re going to have to let her earn another chance with you, not the other way around.

So if you have any other advice on what I can do to become a better alpha male I’m all ears.

Thank you for your time,

Bob

Well, go hang out with your parents, go hang out with your friends and family, any relationships that you let go by the wayside, any hobbies and interests of yours that maybe you stopped doing or participating in, or friends that you had that you used to do those activities with, You should get involved in doing them again, and anything you can do to get back to being the guy that you were before you met her and the guy that she fell in love with because that’s the dude we want her to find if she reaches back out because her feelings have gone back up.

So what do you do if like, two months goes by and then she removes you off Instagram and all these other things? Then in that case, I would assume it’s over and you got a key, just go by and pick your shit up, drop her stuff off, and you don’t need to do anything. Her family lives there, maybe they’re not home during the day, I don’t know. You could just leave the key on the table or in the mailbox or under the mat and just drop the stuff off, pick up your shit and just kind of like James Bond, you come in the middle of the day when nobody’s around and all your stuff is gone, her stuff is there, the key is there.

As long as you’re on social media and everything else seems normal, she’s not communicating to the outside world that your relationship is over. Assume that she’s probably going to come back. If she erases you from everything and a month or so goes by and you haven’t heard a peep from her, then yeah, I would go by and pick up your stuff at a time that’s convenient for you, and a time when you know she’s not going to be there. She gave you the key, and her family’s not going to have an issue with you coming over there and picking your stuff up, then go pick your stuff up. Or if you’re on your way over, “Hey, just letting you guys know I’m coming by to get the rest of my stuff, drop off the key and drop off so and so. I got some of her stuff. Just giving you guys a heads up.” You could do that too, but I wouldn’t do anything until you see what she does, because as long as her public image of the whole world is you guys are still together, then assume she’s probably going to come back. That’s what I would do if I were you.

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