Twelve principles psychological studies, psychologists and therapists say are common and essential in healthy, loving and sustainable long-term successful relationships.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a viewer I have been coaching for over six years. He has been with his girlfriend, and now fiancé, for the past five years. She is the first woman he has successfully been able to date that he considers the ultimate dream woman. Recently, he spent a weekend with some close friends on a bachelor party weekend. Two beautiful, and obviously single, women tagged along in their limo over the course of the evening. One of them was very attracted to him and made her interest known. The night before he was about to fly back home, the girls texted his friends. The one who liked him, and whom he found very attractive, came into his room and woke him up. He kissed her, but he would not have sex with her and did not tell her why. Now he can’t stop thinking about her, and he is starting to wonder if getting married is the right decision for him. He asks my opinion. My comments are in (bold parenthesis like this below) in the body of his email.
I hope all is well. I have been catching up on your coaching videos/newsletters and Instagram quotes. They constantly offer refreshing reminders, and I always learn something new. Every day, I think of something that you have taught me and about the amazing turning point in my life since you began sharing your wisdom with me. I am engaged to the woman of my dreams. This is the girl that I first sought your advice about. I blew it with her the first year I met her. Two years later, I got another shot, and with your teachings and coaching, I finally began dating her. We have been dating now for 5 years, and I have made some of the best memories of my life with her. (It’s really wonderful when you dream about having or doing something and then finally get to experience it.) I write to you now to ask you for much needed advice again. I will make this as brief as possible.
Recently, I spent some time with old friends and their friends, 9 of us, during a bachelor party weekend. We had a blast going to a few clubs and bars, which I haven’t done in quite some time. Two beautiful, younger women tagged along in our limo one night. Someone in the group made this happen. I don’t know when or how. Fast-forward through the night, and one of them is sitting on my lap at a strip club. Go figure, she wasn’t a stripper. These girls did not mind coming along with us. (Obviously, they had a high level of interest in spending time with you.) I was extremely aloof with her, borderline cold fish, but extremely attracted to her. (She could tell you were into her, but you were holding back. Remember, it’s a scientific fact women are more attracted to men whose feelings are unclear.) I could tell it was mutual. I avoided her as much as possible, because I knew what would happen if I didn’t.A day goes by and my buddies and I are doing guy things. The last night of the weekend, actually 3 am, one of my buddies gets a text. These two girls want to hang out and go swimming at the house we rented. I hit the sack, because I had a flight in a few hours, but some of the guys stayed up because of a later flight. Who comes walking in my room later, but this girl. I couldn’t believe it, but I wasn’t surprised at the same time. (Women help you when they like you.) It was very confusing. Nonetheless, I could not have sex with this girl for fear of the consequences, and so I didn’t. (That was the honorable thing to do.) I did, however, kiss her before telling her to leave. I gave her no explanation. (You should have said, “You’re very beautiful and I’d love to hook up with you, but I’m engaged to be married.” You should have been honest dude.)
I have never felt so brave and cowardly at the same time. Now I have an ache for this girl like I got stabbed in the heart. It makes me wonder if I am making a terrible mistake by being engaged. Your last newsletter mentioned no coincidences in life, and it got me thinking. (It’s true. Everything happens for a reason. You have to look at what happened with this woman, and decide what it means with your present relationship with your fiance. It’s a conscious choice that comes down to goals, values and compatibility.) Any advice would be appreciated. Thank you again for being the best in the world at what you do. (You don’t know anything about this other girl you were sexually attracted to. You don’t know anything about her goals and values. The only reason you would cheat is because it’s exciting and new. Has your relationship become dull and boring? You can’t stop dating and courting your fiance. Have you gotten into the place in your relationship where you’re taking her for granted? If you’re doing the same thing over and over again, that’s going to get boring. You have to have interesting experiences together. Also, what does your girlfriend bring to the table? Does she have the qualities detailed in the 12 Principles of Successful Relationships below? The reason people cheat is because something is missing, and they look outside of their relationship to satisfy that desire. What’s missing? Ask yourself, what could this woman give you that your fiance could not give you, and find a way to get back to that place with your fiance. Also, sometimes relationships just run their course. Perhaps your goals are simply no longer aligned. You either grow together or you grow apart. These are things you have to decide for yourself. I suggest you make your best effort to correct things in your relationship with your fiance before you pull the plug. It sounds to me like you still value what you have.)
12 PRINCIPLES OF SUCCESSFUL RELATIONSHIPS
Psychological studies, psychologists and therapists have discovered, relationships that last do so because of the following:
1) They remain curious about their partner. (There’s always something that causes them to stick around and wonder what will happen next.)2) They remain proud of and admire their partner.
3) They maintain their personal lives, friendships and interests outside of their relationship, which respects the individually of each partner. They continue being who they were before they met, and share their completeness, instead of trying to complete one another. (You can’t give up who you are. If your individuality does not continue in a relationship, you stop being the interesting person they fell in love with.)
4) They truly rejoice in the success of their partner. (They’re happy and excited for their partner’s accomplishments.)
5) They value quality relationships over quantity of relationships. (This applies to friendships too.)
6) Communication and understanding each other is a priority. Conflicts and disagreements are resolved quickly and not allowed to fester. “When you are upset, I listen.” They don’t leave each other in pain, but instead talk about it and repair their relationship. They don’t make each other wrong, but seek to understand where the other person is coming from and why they feel the way they do. (You have to be able to get along and talk about things.)
7) They value loyalty and commitment.
8) They share similar goals and values.
9) It’s better to be alone than in bad company. Staying in bad relationships shortens lifespan and makes couples less happy than single people.
10) Good relationships keep us happier and healthier.
11) They never threaten ending the relationship when there are problems or conflicts. (They just work it out.)
12) Contempt for the other person is the kiss of death in relationships. Feeling like you are better than them. (This is when you feel like being with them is beneath you, instead of admiring and respecting your partner.)
“People who have high standards for themselves and who crave success are repulsed by the thought of settling for a life that is less than what they are capable of living. Successful people want the best that life has to offer in their personal lives, careers, businesses, health and lifestyles. When you give life your best effort, it gives you peace of mind to accept any and all outcomes, without second-guessing yourself. People who are too timid and fearful to give their very best are forced to live a life of mediocrity and feeling like the grass is greener on the other side. The greatest tragedy in life is to get to the end of your life and realize you never have truly lived and made the effort to see what you are truly capable of.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne
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