How to diagnose where you went wrong if you feel you have followed the “rules” for a first date, but you got ghosted anyway.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a viewer who has been following my work for about four months. He says he has read my book six times now. He has always been great at meeting women and getting dates, but he was never able to keep women from losing interest after the first few dates.
He is forty and recently met a beautiful thirty-one year old woman. He says the first date went really well, and she even texted him when she got home that Friday night. On Monday, he contacted her again to attempt to set the next date, but she ghosted him. He feels like he followed what my book teaches, but he got ghosted anyway. He asks my opinion. My comments are in (bold parenthesis like this below) in the body of his email.
My friend introduced me to you about 4 months ago. I’ve read your book six times now and have started the seventh. Historically, I used to crush dating and not understand how I was so successful, but when it came to keeping them, I always screwed it up. I love your approach and actually I feel like I could have kept a few of my great exes if I knew about you back then.
I also have learned why I was successful in past hookups. When you’re on your game and you don’t give a shit, it just works out.
(You have an abundance mentality. You can take it or leave it. Remember, like Thich Nhat Hanh said, “You must love in such a way that the person you love feels free.” If things aren’t going the way you expect them to, and you’re displaying weakness, you’re unsure of yourself or you’re indecisive, women already know how it ends with those guys. It’s best for them to get out as soon as they sense and feel that.
The higher a woman’s attraction for you is in the beginning, the more you can screw up. The lower it is, the less you can screw up. Obviously, in this case, she was into you, but not too into you. It didn’t take too many screw-ups before she decided you were pretty much like all the other guys and ghosted you. It’s easier to ghost a guy than to get into a confrontation.)
I’m in a dry spell I can’t seem to get out of lately, though.
(Listen to that story. That’s what you’re focusing on. That’s the story you’re telling yourself, so even when you meet new women or go on a date, you’re the complete opposite as you were in the past, when you didn’t give a shit.
Now you care too much, you’re trying too hard, and you’re giving off the wrong vibe. It affects the tone of your voice, and it’s also going to affect your body language.)
Is it my age, my weight gain or just confidence?
(Common sense will tell you, if you’re going to work out, take care of yourself and be in good shape, women are going to find you more attractive than a guy with a big beer belly. That’s reality. Why not make it easier on yourself? Why not give yourself as many advantages as possible?
When you care about yourself and you take pride in yourself, you’re going to take care of your body. The healthier you are, women are biologically going to be more attracted to that.)
Anyway, I recently had a date with a smoking hot 31-year old. I’m 40. Not that that matters. We met on Match.com, went out, had a great time.
(Remember what I said in the quote at the beginning. An alpha male is direct, decisive and he goes for what he wants without fear. He assumes when he goes to kiss a girl he’s on a date with, she’s going to love to kiss him back, because he’s such a great guy and a great date.
When a guy is unsure of himself, unsure of his value, it causes him to hold back and be fearful. He’s afraid he’ll go for the kiss and she’ll reject him, so he doesn’t go for it, even though she can tell he likes her. He’s communicating he lacks confidence, a beta male vibe, and that’s not attractive to a woman.)
I did not go in for the kiss, but things went well and it felt good.
(But the bottom line is, you did not go for the kiss. Women who like you will kiss you back. Women who don’t like you or are structured, meaning they’re following a bunch of rules and don’t act naturally, are going to turn the cheek.
I personally don’t waste time with structured women or women that turn the cheek. If you value, love and respect yourself, you want a woman that will suck the tongue out of the back of your fucking throat when you go out on a date with them.)
Great conversation, a lot in common and I followed your rules of just saying I had a great time and goodbye.
(Well, you didn’t kiss her. You conveniently left that one out. That communicated a lack of confidence, a lack of decisiveness.)
I got home and was surprised that she texted me, “Just got Home! Thanks again for dinner and a fun night.” I responded, “You’re welcome! I had a great time too.”
(That’s a good response, because if she didn’t give a fuck, she would never have texted you back.)
Now, this date was on a Friday, and I contacted her on Monday at 10:52 am, so I know I contacted her too soon, but to my credit I did wait.
(She was probably at work. I personally would have called her around 6:00 or 7:00 at night. Women like it when you have the balls to call. Texting is low risk. Alpha males are bold. I want to hear your voice, and I want to hear some enthusiasm. If I don’t hear enthusiasm, I might not want to go out with you again.)
I know, not long enough.
(Be direct, decisive and get right to the point. Alpha males are busy, they know what they want, and they go for it.)
Anyway, I sent the message “Good morning! How was the rest of your weekend?”
(If you’re going to text back, just arrange the date as simply as possible. She’s probably had a hundred guys send her boring texts like that. The only reason you’re holding back is because you’re telling yourself you’re in a dry spell and you can’t seem to get out of it. It’s a perception issue.
The story you invented to tell yourself is interfering with your actions and being direct and decisive. It’s making you look like you’re weak, insecure and unsure of yourself. Remember, women can sense this. They see this all the time from guys.)
Silence! She ghosted me after that.
I figure, on to the next, but psychologically I’m like, DAMN! That was one I wanted.
(Well, if that was one you wanted, you should have gone for the kiss and damn the consequences. At least you would have found out whether she liked you or not. Your actions are consistent with self-perception, the story you’ve created. It totally caused you to not do what you wanted to do. You’re constantly holding back. Your mindset led to you being rejected.
Obviously, she wasn’t that into it. If she didn’t reply, I wouldn’t do anything. Remember, dating is like a game of tennis. There’s also a possibility there’s another guy in the background. Maybe that guy went for the kiss.
If she’s a really pretty girl, she’s probably got lots of options and lots of choices. She’s going to go for the guy who displays those alpha male, fearless characteristics of being direct, decisive and going for what he wants.)
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Author, Speaker, Peak Performance Coach, Entrepreneur
“Most men do not understand the average woman has met so many men and been on so many dates with average guys who act weak, indecisive, unsure of themselves and needy, that they have developed a sixth sense to weed out the beta males from the alpha males with a quickness. That is often why the average man doesn’t realize that by the end of the first date, text exchange or phone conversation, they have already blown their chances and turned her off. Women are naturally and innately attracted to the alpha male strength traits of being direct, decisive and getting right to the point without concern for rejection or failure. Beta males hesitate, second guess themselves and dither. If you hesitate, you will masturbate instead of getting a date.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne
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