In this video-coaching newsletter, I discuss the 2015 New York Times article titled, “The 36 Questions That Lead To Love.” A viewer sent in the link to the article and wanted to know if I thought it was a good idea to discuss some of these on a date, and if so, how would I suggest bringing them up. Not all of the questions elicit positive emotions, so I discuss some of them which are fun, and which ones to avoid and discuss later on down the line, after you are intimate and exclusive, to turn them on instead of turning them off. My comments are in (bold parenthesis like this) below.
Hey Corey,Simply put: you’re amazing! My question: What do you think about asking a woman on a first date the “36 Questions That Lead To Love?” Good or bad idea?
Here’s the link if you’re not familiar with the 36 questions: “The 36 Questions That Lead To Love”
Thanks in advance, and I’ve already referred your book to a lot of my friends. Soon you’re going to have to change the name of your book to: “How to be a 4% Man!”
As I discuss in my book, only 3% of the world’s population is succeeding at every area of their life. The population seems to continually expand, and there’s always somebody who is going through a breakup. I see people saying, “I really don’t want to recommend your book to my friends because, what if too many people find out about it, and then I have competition?” Well, that’s a scarcity mindset obviously, and that’s not the way you want to think.
1. Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest?
2. Would you like to be famous? In what way?
3. Before making a telephone call, do you ever rehearse what you are going to say? Why?
4. What would constitute a “perfect” day for you?
5. When did you last sing to yourself? To someone else?
6. If you were able to live to the age of 90 and retain either the mind or body of a 30-year-old for the last 60 years of your life, which would you want?7. Do you have a secret hunch about how you will die? (On a first date you don’t want to talk about dying, so obviously, I would nix that. The idea is to be playful, fun, uplifting, positive, the kind of questions that can make your date laugh, because that elicits positive emotions.)
8. Name three things you and your partner appear to have in common.
9. For what in your life do you feel most grateful? (This is a good positive question.)
10. If you could change anything about the way you were raised, what would it be? (I probably wouldn’t ask that particular question, because it presupposes there was something wrong about your childhood, you had a negative childhood, or there’s something about you that you don’t like.)
11. Take four minutes and tell your partner your life story in as much detail as possible.
12. If you could wake up tomorrow having gained any one quality or ability, what would it be?
13. If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about yourself, your life, the future or anything else, what would you want to know?
14. Is there something that you’ve dreamed of doing for a long time? Why haven’t you done it?
15. What is the greatest accomplishment of your life?16. What do you value most in a friendship? (That’s a good one, because the question presupposes something positive.)
17. What is your most treasured memory?
18. What is your most terrible memory? (I would definitely steer clear of that one.)
19. If you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living? Why? (Again, this presupposes you are not doing what you should be doing with your life.)
20. What does friendship mean to you? (That’s a good one. It tells you how the other person thinks of it. A book that I highly recommend is “The 5 Love Languages” by Gary Chapman. It’s a great book because for some people, giving affection or giving complements is their love language. With other people, it’s giving gifts. And with other people, it’s spending quality time with the other person.
If you’re somebody who’s a gift giver, and you’re dating somebody who wants to hear how much you care about them, you don’t really understand that, and you’re communicating by giving gifts, no matter how many gifts or nice things you do, you’re going to make the other person feel like you don’t care. I think that’s a really great book. That’s another fun one to discuss, “Hey, I read this great book recently, by Gary Chapman, called “The 5 Love Languages.” Do you know what your love language is?”)21. What roles do love and affection play in your life? (That’s an interesting one. It would kind of give you some insight on what the other person thinks about love and what they think about affection.)
22. Alternate sharing something you consider a positive characteristic of your partner. Share a total of five items.
23. How close and warm is your family? Do you feel your childhood was happier than most other people’s? (That’s an interesting one, because it presupposes you were happier in your childhood than most people. What if the person you’re on a date with says, “My childhood really sucked.” A positive, optimistic person, no matter what happened in their childhood, doesn’t say negative things on dates.)
24. How do you feel about your relationship with your mother? (That’s an interesting one, especially if you’re not too sure on a date about the other person. Ask a woman if she was close with her dad, because that’s important. The bottom line is, statistically, women who have great relationships with their father, place a high value on communication and commitment, and whose parents are still together, are going to be a lot more likely to communicate and work things out.
Typically, women who grew up and had a bad relationship, or a non-existent relationship, with their father are going to have a hard time trusting men. Those women often tend to be jealous, insecure, tend to assume the worst and, especially if they grew up in a household where there was a lot of arguing and fighting going on, they oftentimes, men and women both, want to avoid things when there are problems. They’re going to be the type that say they don’t want to talk about it, they never bring something up, or worse, they give you the silent treatment. You can use these to prequalify your date.
If it’s a positive question, and they just have one negative answer after another, what does that tell you about them, where they live emotionally? If everything that comes out of their mouth is negative, that’s their worldview. They’re always going to presuppose something negative versus something positive.)Set III
25. Make three true “we” statements each. For instance, “We are both in this room feeling …”
26. Complete this sentence: “I wish I had someone with whom I could share …”
27. If you were going to become a close friend with your partner, please share what would be important for him or her to know.
28. Tell your partner what you like about them; be very honest this time, saying things that you might not say to someone you’ve just met.
29. Share with your partner an embarrassing moment in your life.
30. When did you last cry in front of another person? By yourself?
31. Tell your partner something that you like about them already.
32. What, if anything, is too serious to be joked about? (That’s a negative type of thing.)
33. If you were to die this evening with no opportunity to communicate with anyone, what would you most regret not having told someone? Why haven’t you told them yet?
34. Your house, containing everything you own, catches fire. After saving your loved ones and pets, you have time to safely make a final dash to save any one item. What would it be? Why?
35. Of all the people in your family, whose death would you find most disturbing? Why? (Not appropriate for a first date. That’s not okay.)
36. Share a personal problem and ask your partner’s advice on how he or she might handle it. Also, ask your partner to reflect back to you how you seem to be feeling about the problem you have chosen.
Maybe after you’re dating for a couple of months, you’re girl is in love, and she wants to be exclusive, maybe that’s the right time to bring up the Set III questions. If you’re trying to decide if you want to get serious with somebody or not, that’s a good time to bring up these kinds of questions.
If you have a question you would like me to consider answering in a future Video Coaching Newsletter, you can send it (3-4 paragraphs/500 words max) to this email address: Questions@UnderstandingRelationships.com
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From my heart to yours,
Author, Speaker, Peak Performance Coach, Entrepreneur
“When you are on a first date, your questions and topics of discussion should be positive and fun. It’s best not to discuss negative or overly serious topics. If you are a man on a date with a woman, whatever emotions your questions and topics of discussion elicit are what she will associate with being with you. Save the negative and heavy subjects for after you are intimate and serious, or you will run the risk of turning your date off and lowering their attraction to you. If it’s not positive, uplifting and fun, don’t bring it up. You are on a date to have fun and enjoy each other. Not to be their therapist. You want to be an escape from life, an enhancement, someone to bond with and a blessing, not a turd in the punchbowl.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne
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