Sexually Exclusive, But She Doesn’t Want A Relationship

What it means when a woman doesn’t want a relationship, but you can’t sleep with other people.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a 30 year old viewer who is dating a 26 year old woman. They’ve been dating for 3 months after meeting on Hinge. She has been single for 9 months after a 9 year relationship. She constantly has said she wants to be single and not in a relationship even though she treats him like her boyfriend. She said they can’t sleep with anyone else, but they aren’t boyfriend and girlfriend. He doesn’t feel comfortable with the situation and asks my opinion. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

Hi, I’m Coach Corey Wayne and this is my video coaching newsletter. And the topic of today’s newsletter is going to be, Sexually Exclusive, But She Doesn’t Want A Relationship.

Well, this particular email is from a guy. He’s 30, he’s dating a woman who is 26. They’ve been dating for about three months. They met on the dating app Hinge. And so, about nine months ago, she got out of a nine year relationship. So I assume that means that she broke up with her high school boyfriend that she’d been with since she was 17 years old? Something like that, basically.

So what’s interesting is they’ve been dating. She treats him like a boyfriend, but she’s reiterated many, many times, despite the connection that they have, that they’re both single, free to do whatever they want, in essence. And you can tell this guy is focused on locking her down to a commitment, which he shouldn’t be. And he also brought it up, which he admits is the opposite of what the book teaches.

And so, the thing he’s got to consider is that, I mean, it was nine years with the same guy, her high school boyfriend that she broke up with. Just a matter of months ago. And so it’s understandable when a long term relationship like that ends, that you might want to not be exclusive for a year or two and take time to heal.

But she’s dating. And so, the thing that’s frustrating for him is that, they’ve had this conversation, brought it up, and she said some things that probably he wasn’t comfortable hearing, or didn’t want to hear, or didn’t want her to elaborate on. Because, again, he’s focused on locking her down.

And so, now she says that they’re not in a relationship. They don’t have the labels, but neither one of them can sleep with anybody else. So he has to be sexually exclusive with her, in essence, where she can basically keep her options open. She can probably meet guys and give out her number and say, well, I’m not sleeping with him, so there’s nothing going on kind of thing.

And he had mentioned that he had two other girls that he’s been talking to, that both want to sleep with him, and as soon as he told her that, then she’s like, okay, we can’t sleep with anybody else. But it didn’t sit well with him. And so he’s looking at this going, “She doesn’t want.” The other thing is, is that the holidays are coming up and she wants to introduce him to all of her family.

So that’s kind of like a Catch 22 there. In other words, he’s got to be exclusive to a woman who, in essence, is publicly able to give out her information if somebody else comes along. And so, you could look at it from the perspective of, well, she probably had just the one boyfriend and been with one guy, it’d be understandable why she’s not going to want to get exclusive right away.

However, it’s pretty clear this dude is totally focused on locking her down to a commitment. But he also is a good dude. He doesn’t want to feel guilty for dating anybody else, but it’s pretty clear that she’s not head over heels in love with him. And she’s not, in other words, she’s not looking at him as the prize, and a catch, or some guy that she’s worried about losing.

Because, again, she spent nine years with one dude and it’s only been about nine months. And so, when they met, she’d only had been six months out of that relationship. So you can imagine she’s still going to be emotionally bonded to the ex-boyfriend.

And who knows? It’s possible he’s still in the background, especially if he was a high school boyfriend and more than likely, if she did the dumping, he probably didn’t want to get dumped. So let’s go through his email.

Viewer’s Email:

Hey Coach,

I met a beautiful girl on Hinge 3 months ago. I’m 30, she’s 26.  She instantly had high attraction for me, hooked up on 2nd date, and she has stayed over at my house every weekend since we met. She got out of a 9-year relationship 9 months ago, and has told me multiple times that she wants to be single and not in a relationship. The thing is, she treats me like I’m her boyfriend, and has very high attraction for me.

We always go on awesome dates, have amazing sex, she loves to cuddle me, hold my hand in public, and will get a little bit irritated, even, if I don’t show her enough affection. She told me that she has had a couple flings since her breakup, but that the guys just wanted to have sex occasionally, and she felt “Used” in those scenarios.  

Thing progressed over 3 months, she has hinted at the fact that she feels like we are in a relationship, and that it worries her because it was not her intention.

Again, that was almost a decade with one dude and pretty much the only guy she’s had. I mean, who knows how many guys she slept with. But, you know, as long as she we assume she was loyal and faithful to the to the boyfriend. So we know she’s hooked up with a couple other guys besides this dude that she’s spending all her time with. Supposedly, they’re out of the picture. But do we really know?

Her vibe towards me is as if she is my loving girlfriend, but she has stated a couple times that we are both single. Recently, she told me she hasn’t slept with anyone else since the night we met. She told me she just isn’t that type of girl, but still is “Single” and doesn’t want a relationship.

So, in other words. She wants to see if there’s anything better out there. In other words, because it doesn’t matter what a great dude you are, the only thing that matters is how a woman feels about you. And the reality is, is that she’s not head over heels in love with this guy. And I suspect more than likely, I mean, yeah, obviously, partly because she’s just out of a relationship, but partly because he’s focused on locking her down.

He probably likes her a lot. He’s probably acting dopey. And the bottom line is, he’s not made her feel like she won the lottery, and she doesn’t seem to be worried about losing him. So that tells me more than likely, she knows that she has all the power in the relationship, and that he’s probably more into her than she is into him. And so that’s obviously part of the attraction issue.

She surprised me with a fancy vacation for my birthday last weekend. We had an amazing time together. When we got back, the topic came up about relationships. I broke a cardinal 3% Man rule and essentially asked her if she would be committed to me, even if the relationship was not public. 

If you’re going to violate the principles, you shouldn’t be surprised that you’re three months into dating this girl and you’re the one bringing up locking her down. She has the power, and you don’t. She has the leverage, and you don’t.

She became very serious for the first time since I’ve known her and said that she’s sorry but just can’t give me that if that’s what I want. 

And so, that tells you right there. That’s why you don’t bring it up. And the reason you don’t, you shouldn’t have brought it up is because she’s not feeling it. And probably deep down, he didn’t want to admit that to himself because there’s probably little things he’s doing wrong here and there. Because bottom line is, if you’re following to a T what’s in my book, then she should be in love with you and wanting to be exclusive by week 7 or 8.

Even though she says she wanted to be single and all that stuff in the beginning. This just tells me that her attraction is not gotten to the point where she’s head over heels in love and she doesn’t feel most important thing. She doesn’t feel like she’s ready to be exclusive just because her feelings aren’t there yet. Probably because he’s so focused on locking her down and how she feels about him.

Instead of having the attitude just like she does, is this really the best girl for me? Is this really the best person out there? It’s nice that she did all these things for his birthday, but it’s pretty obvious she wants to be able to continue to look around, because the reality is she’s not convinced he’s the right guy and it’s all based upon how she feels about him.

She reiterated that she wasn’t sleeping around, and didn’t plan to.

She even said she would feel guilty if she slept with another man, and wouldn’t be able to not tell me.

Until it happens obviously.

We talked for a while and I explained to her that she was free to do what she wanted, but that I most likely wouldn’t feel the same feelings towards her if she started dating other men, since we already treat each other like a couple. 

Again, he’s totally focused on locking her down. She’s totally focused on remaining single, so I would say probably the whole time he’s been the one worried about and concerned, about getting her to be exclusive with him. Probably because he’s dopey and he’s in La La Land.

I told her it just seemed weird to basically be in a relationship, but leave the label off, because it would allow her to essentially “Cheat” if she wanted, without it actually be cheating.

That’s true.

I told her it was okay, but I did reveal to her that I currently have a couple girls pursuing me for casual sex, and that I had blown them off because until we defined things, I would’ve felt bad to hook up with anyone but her, out of respect.

So again, he’s really trying to lock her down. Oh, I got these other girls.

I explained to her that if she was still dipping her toes in the dating pool, then I would go ahead and have sex with the other women, and I wouldn’t wait for her to be the first to sleep with someone else.

She suddenly changed. 

When kitty cats compete, you win. Women like you more. If there’s other women that want to date you and sleep with you, that’s just the way it is. If you got nothing else going on, and she feels like she’s got all the leverage, that’s why she doesn’t feel. Because again, you’ve given her all the power. She’s not afraid of losing you.

She told me that she wanted to meet in the middle somewhere and suddenly realized that the idea of me sleeping with other women would bother her. We kind of left it at that, and I said just forget we ever had the conversation, and lets go back to how we were and not worry about it all. 

So, he just kind of quickly sweeps it under the rug. This is uncomfortable for him, and I want to dip out. I don’t want to have this conversation because he’s not liking the answers.

She said, “Ok so let’s both not have sex with other people right now.” And I agreed. She was instantly at ease and leaped into my arms for a kiss.

Okay, so. But the way that’s worded. Okay, let’s both not have sex with other people right now. Right now, in this present moment. But tomorrow is another day. So, it just tells you that she’s like, “I want to keep my options open, but you better not sleep with anybody else,” is basically what she’s saying. And he knew deep down he knows he shouldn’t have agreed to it because again, he’s looking for exclusivity.

She’s just not there. She’s not ready to give it. So, if she’s not ready to give it, she can’t expect you to not date and sleep with these other women. Because obviously she doesn’t want the label, then she doesn’t want the world to know that she’s taken. So that means she wants the world to know that she is available, potentially, if the better, a better guy comes along.

It just shows you’re not number one priority. That’s how she feels about you. And this is part, this is what’s so hard to do the right things and back off. And to apply what’s in the book is when your emotions are involved. It overrides all logic. Just like deep down he knew she wasn’t feeling it. She kept saying she didn’t want to be in a relationship. And what does he do?

He brings up a relationship and tries to lock her down. Which is the exact opposite of what the book teaches. Because the reason he got rejected is because she wasn’t feeling it and she wasn’t the one bringing it up. But if you’re going to do the opposite of what the book teaches, you shouldn’t be surprised that I roast your ass.

These are little subtle things that give away that you’re more into her than she’s into you. And the reality is, women like you more if they think they’re more into you than you are into them. And when they know that they have all the power, that’s why you’re she’s basically sitting on the fence.

She doesn’t feel there’s any threat of losing you to another woman. And besides, you just said, okay, well, I’m not going to date and sleep with these other girls. And she’s like, okay, great. Well, I’m not going to sleep with anybody else right now. She didn’t say, but I may change my mind. Tomorrow is another day.

But that’s basically what she’s saying. In other words, neither one of us can sleep with anybody else until I decide I want to sleep with somebody else. That’s basically what that means. So, she knows that you’re now exclusive to her, but she doesn’t really have to be exclusive with you. In other words, she says she’s exclusive sexually right now.

But that may change, on a whim. On her whim. So you gave her all the power, and you put her in charge. I would have just if this would have come up and she’d have been saying it that way. It was like, well, you don’t want to be exclusive, but you don’t want me sleeping with anybody else. So that tells me that you’re keeping your options open.

And so if you’re keeping your options open. Because if a woman’s in love, she’s proud of you, she wants the whole world to know that you’re her boyfriend. And she feels like she won the lottery and she lucked out, but she doesn’t feel that way. She wants you to put your personal life on hold while she tries to see if there’s anybody better out there. T

hat’s what’s really going on. And that’s how she feels about you. And he probably deep down knew that. But he didn’t want to admit that to himself. And that’s why he’s trying to lock her down, because, again, he’s kind of pedestalizing her a little bit. He’s a little dopey over her and she can feel it and sense it. And our attraction level is just not gotten to the point where she’s falling in love.

And, you know, just like I was saying, it’s like anybody watching this is probably going, yeah, I don’t like this. I don’t like this agreement. But the reality is, you should have said, well, if you don’t want to be in a relationship, you can’t and you don’t want to be exclusive, and you don’t want us to sleep with anybody else right now.

But the way you say it is like, well, I could change my mind tomorrow, if I met somebody else that I liked. And that’s what’s going on here. She doesn’t want to be exclusive because the reality is the potential is there for her to date and sleep with somebody else, because that can change at a moment’s notice. She made a commitment to not sleep with anybody else when you guys were together.

But you know, today is another day. See, that’s where you’re at. And that’s an unpleasant truth for a guy that’s really emotionally invested into a girl. It’s not as into him as he is into her. So that’s why you kind of just let me sweep it under the rug. I don’t want this unpleasant conversation. Okay, I’ll be exclusive to you.

She says. We’ll be. I don’t want any of us sleep with anyone else right now. That just means it’s open to change. On her whim. You just basically put your balls in a box and handed them to her. So obviously he doesn’t sit right because he’s agreeing to something and he knows his bullshit.

This still left me bothered, as I just don’t understand her need to refrain from a “Defined” relationship, unless she was planning to get with someone else. 

She’s open to get with someone else. She’s just not ready to commit to you. That’s the harsh reality that you don’t want to face. That’s why when the conversation came up, you quickly just said, “Okay, I won’t sleep with anybody else, Your Highness. As long as you don’t sleep with anybody else.” Well, hopefully she’ll tell you about it after the fact.

Last night we went to a concert, and in the hotel room, we were talking about how we both want to move to the same city. She told me, “If this works out, you better want to actually move.” This leads me once again to feel like I am in a relationship.

What is the attraction table saying here? It’s all in The Numbers Chapter tells you right in there. These are not the actions of a woman that’s head over heels in love with you, Dude. This is a girl that just doesn’t want you sleeping with any other girls, while she can keep her options open. That’s reality.

The question is, how do you balance this scenario where it is basically a relationship, but not technically, without exposing yourself to the risk of being played?

Well, you’re kind of ignoring reality and you agree to something that was bullshit. That’s why you don’t feel good about it. Because you basically told her that, all right, I won’t sleep with anybody else unless you sleep with somebody else first. That’s where you’re at. So, you’re going to probably have to have a follow up conversation with her.

And say, you know, that conversation didn’t sit right with me the other day. It’s like, so if you don’t want to be, if you’re not at the point where you want to be boyfriend girlfriend, I’m not going to be exclusive with you. That’s absurd. Because the way you phrased it, you basically said, we can’t sleep with anybody else unless you, of course, change your mind because you find somebody you want to sleep with.

It’s like, don’t expect me to be exclusive and get all the privileges of being me being your boyfriend. If you’re not happy to tell the whole world that we’re boyfriend girlfriend. Cause other than that, you guys are just friends with benefits who treat each other really well. I mean, she took you on a nice vacation. It’s nice, but that’s where you’re at. That’s the real facts of the matter.

And that’s why you didn’t like it. Doesn’t feel right. Because you basically gave her the okay to continue looking for another man. While you’ve basically put your personal life in time out for her exclusively. See how that works? Just see, she just flipped that right around on you. Got you to comply with what she wanted. And you just had no idea. I mean, obviously you have an idea because it doesn’t feel right.

I don’t want to hurt her by sleeping with others, but I don’t want her to be leaving the door open for others if I’m not.

Well, she’s leaving the door open. You agreed to that. That’s what you did.

She even just invited me to thanksgiving to meet her whole family and closest friends. 

I mean, she’s moving in the direction, but the reality is, there are things that you’re doing and saying that you’re varying from the book too much. And that’s why after three months of dating, she’s not head over heels in love with you. And wanting you to be exclusive, but she is taking you to the holidays with her family for Thanksgiving.

I don’t want to be bonding in these ways if I’m going to get burned in the end, but I also don’t want to be forcing her into anything. Should I just keep doing the 3 H’s (hang out, have fun, hook up?)  

Thank you!

Bob

Well, I would have another conversation with her. The best time would be right after you have sex and you beat up her pelvis. And I would just say, you know, tell her, hey, that conversation we had about exclusivity last week, it just doesn’t sit right with me because the way we left it is that I basically said, I’m not going to date these other girls, and sleep with them, and I’m going to put my personal life on hold exclusively for you.

But the way you’ve agreed to it is that you’re going to continue to potentially look for other guys to date because you’re not ready to commit to me. And so if you’re not ready to commit to me fully, you can’t expect me to be exclusive. I mean, it’s, we got to be on the same playing field. It’s in essence, I’ve committed to being exclusive to you while you’ve basically said, well, I want to be open to meet new people, and potentially date and sleep with them if I can.

And therefore I get to change my mind at a moment’s notice. That’s how that works. So it’s you’re either in or you’re out. There’s none of this fence sitting where you have to be exclusive and act like her boyfriend, but you know, she’s your girlfriend until at a moment’s notice, she meets somebody else that she likes better. And the fact that you agreed to that is pretty beta to agree to that. But hey, this is why you have to be crystal clear.

When you communicate. You can’t just go. This is an uncomfortable situation. Let me leave it and not communicate at all. So you definitely, like I said, next time you have sex and you’re laying in bed naked together after you’ve just given her lots of nice little orgasms, then you need to have this conversation again. And if she’s not going to say, this is my boyfriend and we’re boyfriend girlfriend and go official then.

And the other thing is, is that what you got going on with other women, she shouldn’t have to know about that. But you should just say there’s other girls that I’m talking to that are pursuing me that want to sleep with me. But I’ve been kind of keeping them at arm’s length because you kind of treat me like your boyfriend. But when you say you want to stay single and that you may just go date and sleep with somebody else at a moment’s notice, like that doesn’t sit well with me. Got to fix that, dude.

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly. Until next time, I will talk to you soon.