What it means when she says she doesn’t love you as much as she used to and how to fix it.
In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a 25 year old viewer who says he read 3% Man, more than 15 times 5 years ago before meeting his current girlfriend of 4 years. However, over time he says he became complacent and stopped applying the fundamentals from the book.
He became depressed over his job and eventually things spiraled out of control. She said she didn’t love him as much as she used to and wanted to be alone. They haven’t talked in 3 days and he is unsure of what to do to turn things around. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.
Obviously this is sub-optimal. I’ve got an email, this particular guy started out as a great student, read 3% Man, he says 15 times. That was about five years ago. For the past four years he’s been in a relationship with his girlfriend.
He’s young though, he’s only 25. Things went well and he went through some struggles over the last several years. You probably heard me talk about this a lot. I even mentioned in my book, it happens to everybody. The longer you’re in a relationship, like in this case, it’s four years. He was really into my work, learned it, read the book, read it 15 times, got into a relationship and then just never went back to review it.
Most successful students, what they typically do is at least that once or twice a year, they’re going to either listen to the book or reread through it, or they’ll do it in the most efficient way, which is listen to the audio book on two-speed while they read along in a physical or digital copy of the book, because that’s the best way to refresh your memory, and make sure and catch yourself if you’ve happened to gotten complacent, which it happens to all of us. I’ve done it many, many times and I’ll continue to do it off and on for the rest of my life. It’s just going to happen.
The key is when you notice it, because everything’s all about awareness, whatever you focus on expands. In his case, he stopped focusing on the principles and the fundamentals. For example, obviously you guys know I’m a Miami Dolphins fan, but they just absolutely on Sunday totally destroyed the Denver Broncos. Sean Payton, the coach of the Denver Broncos, has been a long term coach in the NFL. I think he took like the last two years off. He was an announcer for one of the networks.
When you watch his team and the game, I mean, the Dolphins scored 70. It was like 72-20, I think. That was the most points that any NFL team in NFL history has scored since 1966, I believe it was. So the original max was like 72 points in one game. So they hit 70.
When you look at what the Dolphins were doing versus what Sean Payton’s team was doing, you could tell there was a lot of fundamentals that were missing from the Denver Broncos. Just simple things on all sides of the ball, whether it’s tackling. I think it was the first quarter, there was a catch that their receiver made, but he was ruled out of bounds. It was clear in the replay that they should have challenged it. For whatever reason, the guys that were working upstairs for the Broncos didn’t get that message to Sean Payton. I mean, that was a missed opportunity.
Just little things like that, just little sloppiness in the fundamentals, even though Sean Payton is a former Super Bowl winning coach who coached for, I think it was 15 years. Before that, he was an assistant. He’s part of the Bill Belichick-Bill Parcells coaching tree. Somebody as successful as that knows how to win NFL games, had a superstar quarterback, Drew Brees, first couple of games back.
First two games of the season, he was like really close. I think they lost with like three or four points, both those games. So everybody is expecting him to step up and they just got absolutely crushed because the Dolphins have totally mastered the fundamentals.
Even somebody as accomplished and as successful of an NFL head coach as Sean Payton is guilty of playing sloppily and coaching sloppily. You can just see lots of little areas that the team was just not very tight as an organization. They were not tight. What does a coach do in that situation to get ready for the next team? As Bill Belichick would say, “We’re off to Cincinnati.”
The point being is you get back to the fundamentals, which is what this guy should do and all good students should do with the book is to get back to the fundamentals, if you want to play like the Miami Dolphins, but it requires you to consistently be involved in the information.
What happened? This guy went through some difficult times. He was suffering from depression. Remember, women don’t care about what a good dude you are, especially if you’re the head of the household and the leader of the family. I’ve been doing this like 20 years. I’ve done tens of thousands of phone sessions, countless emails over the last 20 years, and you see the same patterns over and over again.
The bottom line is, if you’re in a long term relationship, you stop dating and courting your girl, which this guy happened to do, she didn’t feel heard and understood and he didn’t follow the fundamentals. He didn’t stick with it. Like I’ve said in a video of a few weeks ago, women typically give you about six to 12 months to get your shit together.
This guy’s in the period here where he was starting to get his shit together when he realized things were really going sideways, but he kept pressuring her and she didn’t feel free. So there’s a lot of things going on here in this particular email. Like I said, it happens to everybody.
You got to focus on the fundamentals. It’s like anything. You’re watering a garden, you have to put care in there. Women look at what you do, not what you say. If you were the person, like in this case, maybe the guy was the perfect boyfriend for three years of the relationship, then last year he was depressed. He changed jobs, he moved to another city and she just wasn’t feeling it. He could tell. Then when she backed away, instead of letting her be and giving her space, he feels like he wants to to chase after her, because he’s like, “Hey, I’m the one that screwed up,” so now he’s inclined to fall under the illusion of action and start chasing, which will actually drive her away even more.
Obviously, like the topic of the video is, she doesn’t love him as much as she used to, and it’s all indicative of how she feels today. The goal is, you got to remember, it takes time for women to fall in love. It takes time for them to fall out of love, which has happened in this case. It’s going to take time for her to fall back in love.
So we need him to focus on the fundamentals of what creates attraction and clean up his behavior as quickly as possible. So when he does interact with her, he’s attracting her instead of continually doing things that turn her off and drive her away, causing her to want even more space.
I am a young guy, 25 years old, and I have read your book more than 15 times 5 years ago.
Thanks to the book I was able to make a girl fall in love, the love of my life, with whom I have been together and living together for 4 years. We had a fantastic relationship, she was beautiful and wonderful.
Unfortunately, after making her fall in love, over the years, I forgot the principles of your book.
I had a story, it was in my book. I got lazy and complacent. My girl had fallen totally head over heels in love with me. I remember one time we were at a company function and I’m thinking, “I’m on top of the world. I got the hottest girl on the planet.” I was so in love. “This is the greatest thing ever.”
Then she basically tells me she’s not happy and hadn’t been happy for a couple of weeks. I was just thinking, “Damn, I guess I had not been paying attention,” and I didn’t feel too good about myself after that. Got re-centered, refocused, and about two, three weeks later I got her back to the same level where she was. I stopped doing the things that made me successful.
It’s like anything in life, whether it’s working out and taking care of your body, eating healthy, putting time in your business, or if you’re in sales, doing the little things to get appointments and then get you in front of potential customers and doing the presentation properly so they buy. You got to stick to the fundamentals and you got to review it from time to time. Like I said, ideally, twice a year.
I went through a great depression because of the job I didn’t like and she always supported me. We started to always watch TV together, going out less and less, having sex once every 10 days without mental involvement but almost in a mechanical way.
I decided to change jobs and change cities…
So now they’re living apart, doing long distance. Already she’s losing attraction. Then now he’s in another city and probably they’re having phone calls and the phone calls aren’t going well and they’re not there together in the same house to to work on things like they had been. So this guy’s got a lot of things working against him.
…She suffered a lot but supported me again. We did not see each other for two months because I had to start with the new job and then we were together in the new city for 15 days doing many things and having fun. In those days, I saw her as happy as I had not seen her in a long time but, a few weeks later when she came home she changed.
Or maybe he just started to notice.
She realized that she was unhappy with me…
In other words, her attraction was low. Remember, women don’t care about what a great dude you are. They care about how they feel about you. The way she was feeling about him was not good.
…That we weren’t doing anything together…
So he’s not dating and courting her properly.
…That she was young and wanted to take time to think.
Because she knows he’s a great dude and she should feel something, but what she’s struggling with is, “Why do I not feel the same way about this guy? I don’t feel the same love.” When a woman feels that way, they start to think, “Well, maybe I’m with the wrong person or I shouldn’t stay with them. Maybe we should break up,” because their interest is low. Instead of feeling like she wants to be closer with him, she’s OK with some distance and being away to see if she really misses him.
She told me that she didn’t love me as much as she used to and that destroyed me. I told her I would get better and admitted my faults, she told me to try but I kept pressuring her to say, “I love you,” until she told me she wanted to be alone.
You’ve got to get back to, “What are the basics?” Love is playful and fun. So she’s communicated that they weren’t spending time together and having fun. Remember, he went through a depression, so he let that affect his mood. He probably didn’t feel like going out or doing much, so he didn’t. So he wasn’t dating her. He didn’t make her feel heard and understood because he’s not dating. He’s probably not talking to her. He’s not making her feel opened up. Now she’s looking at his actions and the way it makes her feel, makes her feel like he doesn’t care anymore.
He’s not doing the things that made him successful in the beginning. In other words, he got away from the fundamentals that made him successful, just like Sean Payton got away from the fundamentals with the Denver Broncos.
We haven’t heard from each other for three days now, I’m afraid that she might fall into the arms of another and then regret it.
See, he’s now totally in the approval seeking mindset, like, “What can I do to get her to pay attention? What can I do to get her back?” The most important thing is, he needs to remember to take a stick out of his butt, be playful and fun, date her, court her and focus on making her smile, laugh, have a good time. If she’s got something to talk about, do that and not focus on getting back together or locking her down.
She says she needs space. When a woman tells you that, you’ve got to just let her be and say, “All right babe, no problem. Call me when you miss me terribly. Call me when you miss my sexy body. Call me when you can’t stand to be away from me any longer and you want to come tear my clothes off.”
You want to be playful, but you want to also communicate like you’re totally cool either way, because giving her the space versus getting upset that she wants the space, she’ll take the space, she hears the silence, she feels the silence, she doesn’t hear from you for a few days, you let her be, and then she starts to wonder what you’re doing or what you’re up to.
At the end of the day, you’re in another city. Maybe you’re working a new job and there’s cute girls that work there. Maybe she starts to worry about those kinds of things. So when she starts to miss you and the feelings start to return, because it’s in the time and space away from you to wonder about you, to think about you, to miss you, that’s when she reaches out and you’re receptive, “Hey, babe, great to hear from you. I’d love to see you. Why don’t you come visit me this weekend?” Whatever happens to be. Hang out, have fun, hook up. It’s the same things over and over.
Just like on your very first date when you got together that night. You didn’t know each other. You were just getting to know one another. You were curious about her. You were excited. She was excited about you. She wanted to hear what you had to say. You wanted to hear what she had to say. There was no past or no negativity. That’s why none of that stuff is helpful.
You’re not trying to get her back. You’re just trying to get re-centered as a man and be your most attractive self, so not only does it attract her back, but it also will cause other women to start noticing you and paying attention to you more. When she sees that, that causes her to like you more and make more of an effort because women are more attracted to men who are also popular with the other ladies.
That’s why getting fit and in shape, reconnecting with your friends, your loved ones, your purpose, your mission in life, getting to a happy place yourself is the most important thing you can do when you’re in this situation.
When she reaches out, you’re glad to hear from her, you create an opportunity for the two of you to get together, which is an opportunity for sex to happen, hang out, have fun, hook up. That’s it. It’s not hanging out, have fun, get her to commit to me again. It’s just hang out, have fun and hook up. If she wants to stay in town, great. If she wants to go back to where you guys live before, that’s fine as well, because love is allowing. You allow her to come or go.
You can’t be thinking about, “Oh, I’m a loser to another guy,” because if you chase her, you will cause her attraction to drop. Then when she meets some other guy, she feels attraction for him. As you continue to chase her and turn her off and she loses attraction and respect for you, women cannot love a man they do not respect. So it’s important as we get to what he says next.
I know I should leave her alone now but she distanced herself because of me. What should I do?
You’ve got to give her the space. What’s happening is now you got the fear of loss. Fear that you won’t be loved. That’s the hard part about letting her be. Just giving her the space she wants. Your mind is going, “Am I never going to hear from her again? Next time I hear from her, is she going to want to just break up with me?” It’s think from the end. Either way, you’re cool.
If she calls and wants to break it off, say, “Well, that’s not what I want. Call me if you change your mind.” If she’s going to break it off, then she’s going to break it off. In this case, because they’re still in contact and are still seeing one another, just let her be for a few days. Because you’ve been together for years, you’ve got a lot of time. There’s a lot of emotional bonding that’s happened in that period of time. So four years of that, you’ve got more emotional leverage than any other dude that potentially is going to walk into her life, because she’s emotionally anchored to you, but not some new guy.
That’s why it’s super important that you get back to the fundamentals and the basics and start acting attractive all the time instead of maybe 5 or 10% of the time like you have been. Then if every time your girlfriend interacts with you, you’re acting attractive and like your old self and you got your mojo back, she’s going to start feeling a little moist between her legs and a little close to you. You’ll notice the signs of attraction return. She plays with her hair. She touches your arm. She gets close to you. She laughs at your stupid, not really that funny jokes. She smiles a lot. You hang out, you have fun, you hook up, when the signs are there that she’s ready to be seduced.
It’s a really simple thing to turn around, because this guy is looking at it from the perspective of, “How do I get her to pay attention to me? How do I get another chance?” The reality is, you got to get back to a happy place, dude. Get back to being the guy you were that she fell in love with, and then let her come to you, because she’s asked for space, so you just let her be. You don’t have to do anything. Wait to hear from her. Make the date. Hang out. Have fun. Hook up. Rinse, recycle, repeat.
I don’t want to just wait, because I’m the guy who messed up. Should I try again to win her over and show her that I am as centered as I used to be? That I am as funny as I used to be, and that I have realized my faults? Let me know.
That’s not the mindset you need to have. You just need to show up and be the absolute best man you can be. Just like Sean Payton and the Denver Broncos need to show up and get refocused on the fundamentals, so when they get out on the field the next time around, they don’t get embarrassed because of sloppy football play or your running back getting two footballs punched out of your your arm because you’re not holding it tightly enough and a game.
Those are just little fundamental things. When the fundamentals are sloppy, look what happens. You just get absolutely crushed. When his fundamentals were tight, like in the beginning, he read the book 15 times, he’d been practicing, he met his girlfriend. She fell totally in love, just like the book says, but once he got her, just like I said, everything went out the window. On top of that, he got depressed. Then he just stopped doing everything that made her fall in love.
So it’s easy to turn around. Again, you got to get to the fundamentals. So if you do that, it’s just simply a matter of time. You got to let her come back to you at her pace. Pretty simple to solve.
So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly. Until next time, I will talk to you soon.
*Amazon and the Amazon logo are trademarks of Amazon.com, Inc. or its affiliates. As an Amazon Associate I earn from qualifying purchases. **Free with a new Audible.com membership
If you have a question you would like me to consider answering in a future Video Coaching Newsletter, you can send it (3-4 paragraphs/500 words max) to this email address: [email protected]
If you feel I have added value to your life, you can show your appreciation by doing one of the following three things:
From my heart to yours,
Author, Speaker, Peak Performance Coach, Entrepreneur