A Good Woman Brings You Peace. A Toxic Woman Brings Chaos. Choose Wisely!

Why a good woman will bring a man peace while a toxic and abusive woman will disturb it.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a viewer who like most desperate and lonely men who don’t understand women, is too thirsty to see reality through his delusional fantasy of what he wants his girlfriend to be. He got involved with an abusive, controlling and toxic woman. She got jealous of anyone and anything that got in the way of her having a monopoly on his time.

He dumped her, but then she offered sex only, and later he caved into taking her back. Then he got drunk and kissed another girl because he was so fed up with her, but she found out. He asks my opinion because he still thinks he’s going to “fix” her. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

I got an email from a guy who got involved with a woman and she’s very insecure, very jealous, didn’t like him hanging out with friends, just anything that got in the way of her having a monopoly on his time bothered her and upset her.

He’s jumped through his butt many, many times trying to please her and make her happy so she doesn’t get upset. Eventually he had enough and broke up with her because she’s toxic. Then she’s like, “Oh, let’s just have sex. We could just have a sexual relationship.” He’s like, “OK.” Eventually she reeled him back in and then the behavior continued. Then he’s on a trip and apparently gets really drunk, makes out with another girl, the one thing she’d always been freaking out about or accusing him of. Then apparently it got live streamed on YouTube, and she happened to be watching her boyfriend making out with some other girl. So obviously that went over like a lead balloon. He’s like, “What do I do now, coach?”

The reality is, he’s trying to fix this girl, and it’s not your job to fix or to save somebody that is screwed up. You are responsible for you. Like the late, great Jim Rohn used to say, “I’ll take care of me for you, and you take care of you for me.” Obviously, in this case, this particular woman is not holding up her end of the bargain. Then again, this guy’s not really doing himself any favors because whatever you tolerate, you invite more of in your life. So he’s upset about the abuse and the toxicity and everything else, yet he stays with her. So through his actions, he’s communicating, “Hey, this is totally OK. I’ll put up with it.

I see a big complaint guys in the red pill community have is, “Who’s gotta hold women accountable?” It’s up to the men to hold women accountable. The problem is there’s so many weak men in society. They’re so desperate, so thirsty and they don’t understand women. They don’t understand how attraction works, so they put up with things like this. It’s weak men in society that enable all of this behavior that so many guys, especially in the red pill community, complain about. It’s really them.

We’re supposed to be the leaders, we’re supposed to set the standard and we’re supposed to be the ones holding women accountable. When they violate our boundaries, you have to enforce them. Unfortunately, just like you see with this dude, he’s just letting her walk all over him and abuse him. So all he does is teach a woman like this that this is how you browbeat men. You see it on TV, you see it in the movies. It’s like, this is the way society is. Everybody sees the same propaganda. So it’s no wonder most people get brainwashed and to go, “Oh, this is totally normal. This is acceptable behavior,” but it’s just not.

Viewer’s Email:

Hello Coach,

I have read your book one time…

He’s a brand new follower, by the way.

…And yes, I have failed. I started dating someone two years ago who I met through a friend at a party. She asked our mutual friend for my number. I am 34 years old, and she is 32. We went on a few dates, and everything was going well until some red flags came up.

Well, the idea is the red flags, when there’s too many of them, you’re supposed to go, “OK, I can’t work with this.” You can’t make good wine from bad grapes. If a guy is desperate and he’s always had a hard time attracting or keeping women, then he’s going to, typically nine times out of 10, put up with this crap because he feels and his reality is that he can’t do any better. Until the average guy learns how women operate and what they’re attracted to and what turns them off, they’re going to continue to put up with and enable this stuff and crying about biology, or how women’s true nature is not going to fix it.

It’s men need to fix themselves. That’s the problem. It’s the weak men in society that have created this problem. They’re training women to be this way. They’re training women that this is the standard, that this is acceptable. Even if this guy leaves this girl, it’s like the next dude that comes along, because she’s attractive, he’ll probably put up with it because he’s desperate. So she’s constantly getting the dysfunctional way that she shows up in the world, validated by other men. He was supposed to hold women accountable. We’re the ones with the penises. We’re supposed to be the leaders, but this guy’s not doing his duty.

At first when she spoke about her ex, she would tell me that she was engaged to him prior, and they only got engaged after knowing each other for a week.

I mean, that does happen occasionally, but most of the time, when do those things ever work out? I had some friends of mine that I knew back in the days when I was working at Chuck Steakhouse in the early 90s, there was a woman who was one of the managers. She was just an absolute angel. What a sweetheart. Her husband was cool guy. They met when I think they were in college or just graduated college. I think they might have been down in South Florida on spring break, if I’m not mistaken. They just clicked and they got married after like six weeks.

They were together, the last time I saw her was probably about 10, 15 years ago, they were still together, happy as could be, and they’d been together for many decades, raised great kids. They raised a bunch of boys into men. Her husband, was cool as hell. He used to come in all the time and that that was one of the exceptions that I remember in my own personal life when I met a couple it’s like they’re two peas in a pod. They belong together, but that’s the exception to the rule. It almost never happens that way for most people.

Typically when you see somebody getting engaged after a week, usually it’s somebody that’s inexperienced. They’re just following whatever their emotions are and not really thinking rationally. That’s how you get yourself into a lot of trouble. So typically when you see that, it’s usually because the girl is insecure and that’s what you’re going to kind of see, as I go further into this email.

What was concerning about this is that she thought it was OK and acceptable and that if you know you know. The second red flag I encountered was that she didn’t like using condoms, at first, she told me she was allergic and that they felt uncomfortable.

Yeah, I mean, kind of sucks. You want a raw dog it? If you got to raw dog it, you better make sure it’s with a good quality woman that you’ve vetted properly. Even then, sometimes they lie.

When I mentioned alternatives, she wasn’t having it and would instead suggest the pull-out method and telling me that if I care I wouldn’t mind it and I shouldn’t be scared to have kids even though we weren’t going to have any now. In my weakness and because she was hot, I caved in.

In all reality, if you’re in a relationship and you’re serious, that makes sense, but when you’re that new, it’s kind of silly. You got a vet properly, and you got to vet the family because the family is going to be the grandparents and aunts and uncles. Do you want those people helping to raise your child or not? Are those the kind of people that would be a good example to your children? Or is the family, like in this case, full of chaos as well and drama? Lying, cheating, being. controlling, yelling, screaming? Whatever happens to be.

Whatever is going on in the family is, in essence, the vibe and the energy that’s going to raise your kids. So not only vetting the woman, but you’re vetting the family, the grandparents and aunts and uncles and everybody that comes along with that. They’re going to be having an influence on your children.

Over the course of time, she continued to show me red flags like extreme jealousy. Me spending time with my friends once or twice a week was a problem. Seeing her only once or twice a week was an issue and I also DJ and do broadcasts online on Saturday and this was also a problem. In her words, everything was put above her!

Well, she’s constantly needing reassurance, probably because she didn’t get enough strokes or mom and dad when she was a kid, so she’s incredibly insecure. So her go-to perspective or her reality filter that she’s stuck in is that she’s not going to be loved, she’s not lovable. So every time something happens, she assumes the worst case scenario because that’s what she was emotionally anchored to in childhood. So anyone or anything that potentially takes her man away means she’s not going to get the love that she expects. She typically doesn’t react too well to it because, again, she probably grew up in a very dysfunctional household.

She would always accuse me of being too nice to the waitresses and of cheating with other women.

When you put up with this kind of behavior and you allow her to browbeat you months and months on end, you’re training her that this is normal. When you first start dating and she starts this stuff, you be like, “Look, I’m a loyal and faithful guy. If we’re in a relationship, I’m committed. If you’re constantly accusing me of cheating or doing something wrong, then I’m going to assume it’s actually you that’s doing something wrong because people project what’s inside. No one will ever do or say anything to you that isn’t a direct reflection of how they feel about themselves in a moment. If you’re jealous, you’re insecure and you’re constantly accusing me of doing something wrong, then that tells me that it’s actually you who’s thinking about doing these things and probably is doing these things. Maybe I should be paying closer attention to your actions. So if you’re upset, if you’re insecure, if you’re needy, this is your issue. You need to handle this. I’m going to deal with this crap anymore.”

If she continues doing it, then you stop dating her. When you never say anything to her, you’re teaching her that this is OK, that this is the standard. You trained her this way. No one will ever do or say anything to you that you don’t invite them to do.

I invited her out with my friends once to a bar that had music on a Friday and since then she would just assume I go to bars and clubs every week.

Anyway, I ended the relationship after three months and was done with this behavior.

Well, at least he ended it.

Unfortunately, she came back shortly and tried to get back together I wouldn’t have it, but she wouldn’t let up over months and eventually just started suggesting only sex.

Women are pretty clever. They know that you want access to the box. They’re like, “All right, I’ll give it up, and then I’ll cause him to do what I want.”

I eventually gave in, a bad mistake.

Yeah, the thirst is real. Most guys are too needy, desperate and worried they can’t find anybody else, so they put up with that shit.

Because then it snowballed over time to us being “exclusive,” not in a relationship. Not sure what that means…

Well, what it means is that she’s locked you down sexually while she can explore potentially monkey branching to some other dude. In other words, you committed to not sleep with any other women or not date any other women, while she’s keeping her options open, that’s what you’ve agreed to, so congratulations.

I had a video I think we did recently with Caroline, where we went into detail and discussed and that opened a lot of dude’s eyes. That’s the way it is. I’m just the messenger.

…But in one instance months later I was hired to DJ on a boat cruise. I asked her to come support me and her answer was no and that she wouldn’t be going to a boat full of whores.

Boy, this just gets better and better. It’s like, where’s the upside? If a woman doesn’t support your mission and purpose, then she’s out. There’s nothing you can do, man.

I was upset over her never supporting my hobbies or passions, so I went, and I got drunk, I made out with some random girl.

But wait, there’s more.

Some guy on the boat was a YouTuber who was streaming, and she watched from home and saw me do it.

If you’re in a hole, quit digging.

After this I became a cheater, and she wouldn’t let that up.

Well, you actually did exactly what she thought you were going to do. Obviously on some level she could tell you weren’t 100% committed, so I’m sure that contributed to her being insecure about the relationship, but that doesn’t excuse her needy and neurotic behavior.

On top of this, along the way, our mutual friend we met through was cut off because he invited me to a club/concert one time. She cut him off completely for inviting me. They were friends or over 10 years, her reasoning, “He got involved in our relationship” to try and get me to cheat. Anyway, long story short. I don’t know what I got myself into and I need your help.
 
Sincerely,

Bob

You’re not going to fix her. You’re not going to change her. I mean, you could sit down with her and have a heart-to-heart and say this: “This has gone on long enough. These are my standards. This is what I want. This is acceptable behavior. If you do it again, I’m out.” You can give her one more chance, but I don’t see women like this changing. You may have heard me say over the years, in this case, this guy’s new, people don’t change who they are. They may become a better version of who they are, but they typically don’t change.

Women like this can become better with therapy and professional help, but 99% of them ain’t going to do shit. They’re not going to do anything to help themselves. So I don’t have a lot of faith and confidence that this woman will do what’s necessary. Even if you set the boundaries, if I was a betting man, I would probably bet on the fact that she’ll continue to violate him. Then you got a deep sixer like you did the last time. It’s just it’s not going to work.

You’re going to have to move on and stop trying. Again, this woman doesn’t support what you do for a mission and a purpose. So that’s disqualifying from being a girlfriend or a wife. It’s like fuck buddy, friends with benefits. That’s it. I mean, she offered you sex and you were too much of a sucker and probably desperate because you didn’t want to lose access to the box that you went along with her bullshit. So here you are.

If I were you, you should take your balls back and go find somebody else, but if you’re a glutton for punishment, try to set healthy boundaries and tell her if it happens again, you’re out. As soon as she violates it, then you need to be out and be congruent with that and not keep giving her chance after chance, because it’s not your job to fix her. The idea is you’re coming together to share your completeness, not to fix somebody or to save them.

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen on any page of my website, and book a coaching session with yours truly. Until next time, I will talk to you soon.