A Man Who Can’t Control Himself Will Be Controlled By Women

Why a man who can’t control himself gets controlled and manipulated by women.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a guy who’s all over the ice. He can’t control himself or his emotions and acts like an emotionally irrational woman. He claims to have read 3% Man over 20 times, but doesn’t even remotely act like it. He’s constantly doubting and questioning himself and has put his ex in charge and made her the man in the relationship. They’re broken up, but are friends with benefits.

She keeps him at arms length because she doesn’t respect him and he doesn’t act like a man consistently. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

This particular email is from a viewer who’s having just a hell of a time exercising self-control, controlling his emotions, and following the book, even though he claims that he’s read this over 20 times. When I go through this email and, as you’ll see as I go through it, he doesn’t even remotely act like he’s read the book or he’s just totally emotionally hijacked. So he’s constantly doubting and questioning himself. He was dating this woman, I think, they’re in Tennessee, and he’s like kind of been a stepdad to her kids, but because he keeps making her the man in the relationship, she broke up with him, but they’re still kind of friends with benefits, and he like doesn’t know which way is up. He’s like, “Should I move there? What should I do?”

I’ve talked about this a lot in a lot of videos over the years. The only way a man should move from the city where he’s at, from his home, from his castle to somewhere else to be with a woman, is if he would move there, even if he wasn’t with her. Meaning moving to that city, that country, or that state is going to be an upgrade over where he’s at. In other words, it’s going to facilitate doing more things that he loves and enjoy. It’s going to make him happier. There’s better opportunity for jobs and employment or business there. A guy should never move to please a woman. In other words, if a guy’s moving across the country, the world, or the state to be with a girl, I’ve been doing this 20 years, what I see is usually by the time he gets there, he’s moving there to please a woman. As soon as he arrives in town, within a matter of days or weeks, she dumps him. Says she’s no longer feeling it.

I’ve seen guys move countries and take two years to wait until a position opened up in another country, sell their house, their rental property, sell all their stuff, move all the way halfway around the world to be with a woman, and they get there within two weeks because they’re working at the same company. Then she’s like, “Oh, I’m not feeling it anymore.” Then next thing he knows, a couple days later, she’s fucking somebody else in the office. So now he’s left everything behind, just torpedoed himself financially to go be with a woman. Then as soon as he gets there, she throws him out like yesterday’s garbage. On top of that, he’s got to watch her prancing around in the office with some other guy that she’s now sleeping with, which is just a horrible thing to do to another human being.

This is why you don’t put a woman in charge of your relationship. If moving to the area where she lives is not an upgrade and you don’t want to live there, then you shouldn’t move, but if you’re going to date somebody long-distance or even a half hour or hour away, it’s like at some point somebody’s going to move. Again, the only reason a man should move is because he wants to live in that area and it’s an upgrade, which is fine, because if it doesn’t work out with her, he’ll stay there, but if he moves there just to please her and then they break up, now he’s stuck, doesn’t have any friends, doesn’t have any family, he doesn’t know anybody, and he’s in a city he doesn’t really want to be in. I’ve seen that countless times where guys do that. They jump through their butt to please a woman. As soon as they get there, she dumps them, “Oh, I’m not feeling it. I don’t think it’s going to work. I met somebody else.” Zero remorse. They’re just totally savage about it.

So they’re kind of friends with benefits. He’s thinking about moving there. Again, he’s just constantly questioning himself. He doesn’t know which way is up. I mean, just reading this, it’s kind of hard to imagine that this guy actually read the book 20 times. Maybe he’s thumbed through it. Maybe he was listening to it as background noise while he was working out or driving in his car while he was intermittently yelling at people that cut him off or that were driving slow in the left lane. He clearly hasn’t absorbed the information.

Viewer Email:

Hi Coach,

I have followed for years, even getting an ex back following your principles, but I missed that principles show you a bad woman and you need to listen (Hard learned five-year lesson in self-delusion).

So he admits that he will tend to delude himself. That means that he’s seeing reality as way better than it actually is, not as it is, or worse than it is, but way better than it is. When that happens, eventually you’re going to experience pain.

First relationship out of divorce. I have read the book 20 plus times, I still make mistakes and could be a better student. I have learned I have insecurities, the fear losing, (Mom’s death related, probably), illusion of “the one…”

So he’s got a little bit of one-itis.

…As well as self-doubt and situational complacency “Eeyore Syndrome.”

I don’t think I’ve ever heard of that. I guess that’s a thing. I’ve never heard that one before.

I have a new situation with a couple challenges I am having in my current situation with an amazing woman that is incredibly compatible and I can see a “forever” with. I know that very thought is problem one.

So what that tells me is you’re projecting your fantasy of what you want her to be onto her, and you’re completely ignoring the reality that she’s just not like your fantasy. I mean, you are sending me an email because things are not going well.

Background: She (40) and I (53) met when she volunteered for an event. There was instant incredible chemistry the kind that if she or I had taken any physical or emotion action it would have “been on,” but I was in the five-year lesson and she was married.

In other words, he was still in that previous relationship and she was married.

Two years pass and I get an email for another event from her she does not it is me she is emailing. This leads to a date now that we are both single. Despite neither of us really being ready this becomes a two-year relationship.

Set Up: Issue one, she lives in Chattanooga…

I assume that’s Chattanooga, Tennessee.

…And I travel for work. Because of this and that I did not live in Chattanooga, I found myself living upstairs at her house when in town, because she wanted that (She and I agreed that sharing her bedroom was not the best example for her 9-year-old daughter).

Well, if your girl is head over heels in love with you, you’re going to be sleeping in your woman’s bed. She’s going to want you there, and the kids are going to come and sleep in the bed with you. That’s just the way it works. If you have a really good, solid relationship and you love kids and the kids love you, they’re going to be sleeping in the bed with you guys like they’re your own. That’s how it works. That’s how it works in the real world. Obviously, the Red Pill guys go fucking berserk over that because they don’t like children and most of them tend to have some serious mommy issues. If you really love a woman, she’s a good mom, comes from a good family, you’ll love her kids as well, and the kids will love you as if you’re their dad or stepdad.

So when you’re staying over at her house and she sticks you in another bedroom, even though the kids will see you holding hands and kissing, it’s like, that’s kind of ridiculous. Like I said, whenever I’ve had women that had kids and we’re a family, it’s like the kids are sleeping in the bed with us. They just come here, “Oh mommy, I can’t sleep. Can I sleep with you guys?” And they’re going to hop into bed with you along with the dogs. So it’s like one big, giant family. So you’re losing the covers, and you usually got people, you wake up, she’s drooling on you, the kids are drooling on you, the dogs drooling on you. That’s how a family is.

I needed to get my own apartment there, but I was weak, fell in love with taking the daughter to school, etc. I became complacent and complained about work too much.

So if you’re taking the kids to school, yet you’re sleeping in a different bedroom, that tells me that this woman is not that into you. Her interest is low and you’re only focused on how much you like her.

She started to see me as Eeyore. Looking back, I deserved the break-up in March, just missed corrective action in real time. She now tells me she felt trapped again like her marriage.

So more than likely, he was probably coming up with reasons to be there and stay a little longer because again, he was in love, he was dopey, and only focused on how much he liked her, but was ignoring the fact she stuck him in a separate bedroom and didn’t want anybody to know that they were dating or in a relationship.

Currently: We met for the talk and I explained that friends is not what I am interested in and I am not living in a world where I can’t kiss her when I want to but others can. That is not fair. If she wants to date others, fine, I will too.

Well again, 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back says if she’s dumped you and you live in another state, she can come see you if she wants another chance. Instead, you’re going to her because you made her the man in the relationship, because the whole time you’ve been begging and groveling for attention and validation, you basically treated her like your mommy and your emotional support human instead of your lover, your teammate, and somebody you were supposed to be co-parenting with. This just tells me her interest was low, you were kind of a live-in booty call, and she wanted to hide that from her kids, but she liked having you around to take the kids to school.

But if she and I are together and I want to kiss her I will. We have been dating since then whenever I am in town. I even got some “I love you.” In July, I over-pursued her birthday month (What the hell is a birthday month?).

So that sounds like, “Oh, this is my birthday month. I don’t have time to see you.” That’s probably what it is because he’s over-pursuing. He’s acting like a woman. Again, this is a guy that claims he read 3% Man 20 times. Does that sound like he read the book 20 times? Doesn’t to me. Or maybe he’s just, as he said, extremely delusional.

Strong pull back two: Although she has told me she sees it as a friendship, but not boyfriend/girlfriend more than once.

See, that’s the problem. She tells you stuff like that and you keep pursuing. So when you keep pursuing like that, she assumes that you agree to that, that you’re just friends. You don’t pursue a woman that friend-zones you or doesn’t want to sleep with you.

Every time we have a date, we 3 H’s, except one or two times. I know that she has not dated anyone so far. Her main thing she tells me is she just wants to be single.

You never try to keep somebody who doesn’t want to keep you. Dude, I would not be calling or texting this chick at all. I’d make her come to see you. Like bro, you need to pull your head out of your butt.

She grew up purity culture and has a lot of damage she is trying to heal about, and bad ex-husband.

Bro, it’s not your job to be Captain Save-A-Hoe and to fix her, to save her from her shitty life, or her trauma, her bad ex-husband, or whatever damage she’s trying to heal. It’s not your responsibility.

Again, you’ve been following me for years. I’ve talked about this countless times in videos if you’ve been watching, but again, if you’re only focused on your interest in her and you completely ignore her lack of interest in you. She refers to you as a friend. She keeps you at arm’s length, doesn’t really want you around, doesn’t want anybody to know that you guys were together. Like dude, just like the previous relationship of five years that you said was all delusion, you’re doing the same exact thing with this girl. You’re living in an alternate reality that does not exist.

Question: When we are alone together, it feels like nothing ever happened. There is intimacy laughter and “fun,” but she does not want to “deal” with people knowing we are dating…

Because she’s not proud of you, and she doesn’t want people to know that she’s with you. You’re just a booty call, bro,

…Stating most of her friends won’t understand where she and I are.

She doesn’t want to explain because you aren’t anyone other than an occasional booty call.

This is what happens when you focus on your interest in the girl and you completely ignore her lack of interest and effort towards you. She should be the one trying to lock you down. At the end of the day, you’re 53. She’s 40. She’s got kids from somebody else. She’s got a bad ex in the background. Quite frankly, you’re doing her a favor by dating her and being a stepdad to her kids, but she clearly doesn’t respect you as a man, and you obviously don’t respect yourself. You’re like a chump that just keeps basically saying, “Thank you. May I have some more abuse, please?”

I reply, “It is no one’s business what we are.” Every time we start to get close again and I can feel the “I love you” vibe starting, she pulls back hard like there is an artificial wall.

More than likely, what’s happening is you’re over-pursuing because you think, “Oh finally, we’re going to get together and she’s going to be proud of me.” Again, you’ve made her the man in the relationship, and you’re the chick. You’re the mangina.

I give a little space (Probably not enough)…

Again, he’s not exercising self-control, and he’s getting manipulated and jerked around.

…And she comes back.

Well again, if you read the book 20 times, at this point, she should be doing all the reaching out and you make dates, you hang out, you have fun, and you hook up. Then when that’s over, you go back to wherever you’re from. California, I guess it is.

This pattern repeats again and again. She has said, “You can’t commit because your work travel and you need to be with my kids (14, 18) in California,” but if I move to Tennessee full time, I am not the type of dad she respects, and if I live in California full time, I lose her because I can’t give her time.

Again, your mindset is the opposite of what the book teaches. She should be earning another chance with you. She should be the one trying to lock you down. You’re doing everything you can to try to forcefully shoehorn yourself into her life, and she doesn’t fucking want you there, dude. You need to pull your head out of your butt and see reality as it is, because you are not paying attention.

My long-term life plan is Tennessee…

Again, if you move there just to be with her, you’re going to get dicked over and blown off probably as soon as you get into town. Then you’re going to realize when she starts fucking somebody else that you’re a chump and you don’t really want to be in Tennessee, and you move there for her and the kids when she doesn’t want you there.

Again, she should be the one begging you to move in with her and be part of the family. Instead, you’re trying to force yourself into her life. You’re constantly over-pursuing, Again, you’re doing the opposite of what the book teaches. This is why she hides you from everybody, because it’s a nice for her. It’s nice to have the occasional booty call, but other than that, she doesn’t want you around.

…But this is because I want to be with her and she can’t be anywhere else because of her daughter (10).

So again, at the end of the day it’s like, bro, come on, man. Have some self-respect.

Do I make the move to Tennessee and risk the loss of respect for the quality time (Her love language)?

No, you don’t move to Tennessee. She doesn’t even want you there.

Or do I show I am the type of man that stands by family and stay in California to “prove” it?

Bob

I don’t know if that means he’s got kids in California, because hers is 10. This is kind of hard to get. So I guess he’s got a 14 and an 18-year-old in California, and one of her kids is 10, and I don’t know what the other one is. Yeah, when you guys write these emails, you need to proofread them and make sure. Sometimes I read these emails and it looks like you guys are fucking drunk.

I wouldn’t be moving anywhere. If you got a family in California, you should stay there. So you want to abandon your own children to go be a stepdad to somebody who doesn’t even want you around? It’s like, what the fuck are you thinking, dude? How can you possibly think that’s a good idea? If it was me, I’d stop calling her. I’d stop texting her. I’d start dating women in California that are where you live, and if she reaches out and wants to see you, she can fucking hop on a plane and bring her kids to see you in California and hang out with you. That’s what 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back says.

It is nutty and it’s delusional for you to think uprooting your life, moving to Tennessee, and abandoning your own children to be with this woman who clearly doesn’t give a shit about you and doesn’t want you around, is somehow going to cause her to be the one for you. You move there, she will ditch you and drop you faster than a bad habit, and then you’re going to be in a state with nobody you know. Meanwhile, your kids are abandoned back in California. That just makes no sense, dude. Holy shit, dude. Again, you got to read what’s in the book, and you got to follow it. It’s like you’re doing literally the opposite of everything I teach, and you’re still living in a land of delusion.

Again, like I just said a minute ago, the best thing for you to be doing is meeting and dating women in California where you live. If she wants to earn another chance with you, she can reach out to you. She can hop on a plane and come see you. If she doesn’t want to do that, just say, “Hey, take care. I enjoyed our time together, but I’m going to move on with my life and my family here in California. If you want another chance, you can hop on a plane and come see me and we can hang out for the weekend or a few days or whatever. That’s all I can promise. If you’re not down to do that, then I wish you all the best. Have a nice life.”

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen on any page, and book a coaching session with yours truly. Until next time, I will talk to you soon.