Why a man’s actions and words must be congruent, or he will get rejected.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a viewer who claims to have read 3% Man 10 times. He says he and his girlfriend are on the verge of splitting up. He has been telling her for years if she didn’t treat him better he would leave, but he never does.
He let himself go and stopped being the man she fell in love with. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.
What I liked about this email is you get the sense of what happens when a guy constantly says things and just never follows through on them. At some point, a woman is going to give up and not trust your word, not trust your masculine core. And then she’s not going to take anything you say seriously or believe you. And if she doesn’t trust your masculine core, she’s not going to feel safe and comfortable enough to trust your leadership and submit to you.
You can tell this guy has just been having a hell of a time, and he brought it upon himself, especially if he’s acting needy. He’s basically treating her like his mommy and like he’s a little man baby. It’s just a bad, bad way to go. But these kinds of things, they happen slowly over several years. It’s not something that happens in a vacuum over a couple of days, or a couple of weeks, or even a couple of months. This is years in the making, when things get to this point. It’s what happens with most people, how they just settle. Weeks, months, years, decades roll by, they get set in their ways, and they major in minor things, as Jim Rohn used to say.
I have listened to your book at least 10 times and read it twice. My girlfriend and I are on the verge of splitting up, and I’m losing my mind.
Well, you losing your shit is not masculine, and that’s not helpful. As a man, you need to focus on being competent. That means you take care of your body. That means you work out. That means you also take care of your friendships and your relationships with your family and people that are important to you. And above all other things, you’re a man with a purpose and a mission – that first and foremost, you handle things. You get things done.
Saying “I’m losing my mind” tells me you’re sitting around feeling sorry for yourself, not taking action. And like Dale Carnegie said, “Inaction breeds fear and doubt. Taking action breeds confidence and courage.” At the end of the day, you have no control over what your girlfriend does. You only have control over what you do. So, you’ve got to do the things that a man is supposed to do in a relationship.
I have displayed a lot of neediness and weakness the past couple of years, and I think this really lowered attraction.
Yeah, if you’re acting needy, needy means you need constant attention and validation from your mommy, basically, because you didn’t get enough strokes as a kid. So, you’ve basically turned your girlfriend into your mommy, and you use her for ‘attaboys’ and to feel like you’re a good little boy, instead of just being a man that she admires and respects.
Women want to follow your lead. They don’t want to teach you how to be a man, and they don’t want a man child that they have to take care of. That’s not why they get into a relationship with you. And this is what happens. A lot of women complain about guys, they get into a relationship with them and “you changed.” The guy stops doing the little things. He stops taking care of himself, he lets himself go, and this is just endemic in our society when they get into a relationship.
I was just having this conversation with a friend of mine the other day. Like, I remember when I was in high school, pretty much most of my friends and I, we worked out. Some of us were real big, but I was just in good shape. I was stocky, as they used to say. I liked to be fit and in shape. But, typically, by the time you’re 22, 23, you stop going to the gym because you’re busy with college, career, you get in a relationship. You get into your late twenties, a lot of people start getting married, having kids, and then the pounds just start piling on.
I remember when I was 29, I was 190. My neck went away. But it happened slowly over several years, you know, a pound here, a pound there over many months and years. And the next thing you know, you’re 30-35 pounds overweight. It happens slowly.
Not to mention, I really fell off in the gym. She has been treating me like absolute garbage for the last year.
Because you don’t stand up for yourself, obviously.
And she finally came out and told me she is not happy, and we agreed to part ways. I told her I love her, and I just want us both to be happy.
Well, two people come together to share their completeness, not to complete one another or to make the other person happy. You have to make yourself happy first. You want to get to a joyful place first on your own, and then you can share your joy and your completeness with somebody who’s also in the same place. Somebody that’s needy doesn’t feel worthy to be there, and so they’re constantly looking for attention that they’re doing the right thing or they’re being a good little boy. Again, women don’t want to teach a man how to be a man.
I made amends to her for all of the shit I’ve done and said in the past and told her I want to end it on a decent note and not be enemies. As soon as I said this, she felt that I was ACTUALLY ready to walk and never look back.
Yeah, you’ll never own a woman’s heart unless she knows that if she pushes you too far, you’ll walk and never look back. You’ve got to set and enforce healthy boundaries. And what this guy has continually done is he set boundaries and he never enforced them. So, therefore, his words and his actions weren’t congruent, and she didn’t believe anything he said.
And the reason she’s just been berating him is she doesn’t respect him. She’s kicking him in the nuts, hoping that he stands up to her and actually starts acting like a man, consistently. Because that’s what’s really going on. He’s just displaying so much weakness, it’s disgusting and repulsive to her. And no one will ever do or say anything to you that you don’t invite them to do. If you just sit and put up with it, you put up with abuse, instead of leaving and saying, “Well, I’m going to go and hang out with my buddies. I’m going to go work out in the garage. I’m going to go for a drive. I’m going to the gym. I’m going to go see my mom,” whatever it happens to be, unless she changes her attitude and talks to you in a calm manner. When you just sit there and take it, she loses even more respect for you because you won’t stand up for yourself.
She quickly had an attitude change and told me, “lets pump the brakes and talk about it” the following day. I have been threatening to leave if she didn’t start treating me right for years and never did.
Yeah, your words and actions aren’t congruent, so she doesn’t believe anything you say. Because you’ll say one thing and you do another. That’s the opposite of what a man is. It’s what a pussy would do.
So, for her to see that I was actually okay (but clearly upset) about the split, her whole vibe changed.
Yeah, because she got the impression that this time you actually meant it. So, it’s not that she wanted you to leave. She’s been kicking you in the balls, hoping you’d stand up to her and put her in her place and start acting like a fucking man for a change. That’s what’s really going on here. Because if she didn’t care, it wouldn’t have mattered what you did or said. But the fact that her attitude changed when she really felt like you were serious about leaving tells me that she still cares and she’s just been waiting for you to man the fuck up. Maybe you should jump up and down and hopefully your balls will drop.
We sat down the next day and each made a list of what we need from each other and non-negotiables on both ends, and agreed that if we don’t see progress, we have to call it quits.
That’s good. You can hold each other accountable.
I really do love this girl and I want it to work out.
Well, the only thing you have control over is how you show up. So, you’ve got to get back in the gym. You’ve got to take care of yourself. You can’t turn into a fat fucking slob just because you’re in a relationship, and just let yourself go and eat and drink yourself into an early grave. That’s not what a good teammate does. Those are the actions of somebody that’s just given up on themselves.
Apply what’s in the book. Act like a man, consistently. Go to the gym. Go see your mom. Go see your friends. Any hobbies, interests, things that you gave up because she complained about it, that you really miss, get back into doing those. Get back to being the guy that you use to be.
Start dating and courting her properly. Take her out on dates. If she’s nice to you, she gets the gift of your time, and if she’s rude and bitchy, then she gets the gift of missing you. Then, go do something without her. Tell her, “I don’t like the way you’re talking to me. You promised that you were going to work on this, and here you are, once again, raising your voice and yelling and screaming at me.” Whatever she happens to be doing, say “I’m going to leave and when you calm down, we can talk about it later, like adults.” You have to set and enforce healthy boundaries.
I have made it clear that she is the one who has not been putting in effort the last year, so it’s up to her to prove to me she’s serious and show effort. I will continue to listen to and read your book.
Thanks so much!
Well, I think it’s great that you’re calling her out on that, but at the end of the day, you’ve got to take care of what you can take care of, which is you. That means working out. That means focus on your purpose and mission in life. That means becoming the well rounded, fun, playful guy that you were before you got into a relationship with her.
Any friendships or relationships that have gone by the wayside because you got lazy, or because she complained about those people, or that you were spending too much time away from her, or whatever… that’s another thing that a lot of guys do. The woman complains, he figures, “Oh, the best way to get her to stop complaining is I’ll just give those hobbies up. I’ll sell my Star Wars figure collection. I’ll get rid of that car, that dragster that I’ve been working on. I’ll get rid of my stamp collection or my baseball card collection. I’ll give up those hobbies and spend more time with her.” And what happens is the guy becomes a pleaser because he’s always trying to do things so she doesn’t get upset at him.
Little by little, he’s whittling away and giving up who he is, just because she complains about it or says that she doesn’t like it. He bends himself into a pretzel trying to please her, and all it does is turn her off more, because he’s basically Play-Doh instead of a man. Women don’t want Gumby, they want Hercules. They want a man who says what he means and means what he says and is congruent with his words. That’s the important thing.
So, like I said, it’s setting, but most importantly, enforcing the healthy boundaries. And when you set a boundary, she starts to violate it and you lovingly call her out on it, ask her to talk to you in a sweet and loving way. And if she still won’t, then you’ve got to leave. It doesn’t mean you leave permanently. Go for a drive, go see your mother, go hang out with some friends. Go do something without her, and tell her to call you when she calms down and she’s ready to be sweet and loving and talk things out like an adult. You guys have lists now of what you expect to see from her and what she expects to see from you. And you’ve got to do your part, but you also got to hold her accountable on her part. You don’t get what you deserve in life, only what you negotiate. And remember, no drama allowed.
So, if you’ve got a question or challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly.
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