How to identify and prevent a nutcase or toxic person from breaking your heart.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a viewer who says that a nutcase broke his heart. He shares what happened between them when they met through a dating app and how things went downhill fast when she started displaying signs of depression and several other red flags.
A big part of his problem, however, is that he was too much of a pushover, pursued her too much and turned her off to the point that she ghosted him. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.
So, I’ve got an email here from a guy, and this is a good email that discusses and shows and illustrates the importance of vetting your dating prospects. And so, this particular guy got involved with a woman, and then on top of that, he was new to my work, so he wasn’t really familiar with How To Be A 3% Man. After he went through it, then he recognized some of his mistakes. The idea is, you can’t make good wine from bad grapes, so you want to make sure that you have a good prospect that doesn’t have a whole truckload of problems, because you want a normal, happy, healthy human being to have a relationship with.
You can just kind of see some of the red flags. And it’s kind of hard to tell, because the woman later, when they were having problems and she was distancing herself, she told him, “Well, I have depression, and this is how I act when I get depressed.” But the reality is, once she got over her depression, she eventually ghosted him. So, there obviously was some truth to what she was sharing, but it didn’t help matters that he was over pursuing, and as he put it, he realized he acted like a total pushover the whole time. And if a woman can walk all over you and treat you like a doormat, she’s not going to respect you. And if she doesn’t respect you, she’ll never love you.
I’ve really been enjoying the book and the online content; it’s giving me a lot of insight about how I’m going to proceed now that I’m back in the dating game. I thought this story may be interesting for the community.
Around October, 2020, mid-pandemic, I met a woman online who had a really hot and edgy dating profile. She was tatted up, sardonic, a yoga teacher who could bend herself into a pretzel, etc. I’m 36, she was 27. I thought, “Damn, she looks like trouble, but is hot as fuck, so what’s the worst that could happen?”
Obviously, he gets his heart broken. So, here’s the reality, and I always get a lot of crap about this, but the more tattoos a woman has, the more weird piercings she has, typically, you’re going to run into women that are just not the best dating prospects. Now, that doesn’t mean all women with tattoos and weird piercings are undesirable or undatable, it just means that there is a high likelihood that the tattoos and the piercings are a sign of a lot of trauma and red flags.
Even he himself was like, “She looks like trouble, but wow, she’s really pretty, so I’ll just ignore all these other things.” So, he became hypnotized by her beauty, and because he was hypnotized by her beauty, all of his objectivity went right out the window.
So, we met, hooked up on the first date, and proceeded into an exclusive relationship that lasted about 8 months. We formed a genuine connection over our common interests, and the sex was ridiculous.
Well, the crazier they are, the better the sex usually is.
We saw each other about once a week and texted a little bit every day, (oops).
Well, he’s obviously texting and talking and pursuing too much on the phone, instead of in person. And the more you talk in texts and the phone, typically what happens is, the less time you’re able to spend in person.
It became apparent to me that she controlled the dynamic more than I did in terms of communication and meeting up.
So, she realized that he was way more into her than she was into him. That’s never a good thing, because if a woman thinks you like her way more than she likes you, typically she’s going to back away and see what happens, see how you react.
She would show up late or reschedule sometimes, but since everyone was more or less quarantined at home, it never really bothered me.
So, somebody who’s constantly late like that when you have plans, oftentimes they do it to see if they can get away with it, see if you’ll stand up to them. Because they know it’s being disrespectful, being late. We all have alarm clocks, we have multiple alarms we can have on our cell phones, and if it was a priority for somebody to be on time, they would be on time. And if somebody is continually, habitually late every time you make plans to get together, it shows they’re either completely disorganized and a mess, or they just don’t respect you or your time.
No one will ever do or say anything to you that you don’t invite them to do. That’s why it’s important to set and enforce healthy boundaries, because your time – our individual time that we have – is the most valuable gift that we can give anybody. And if somebody is perpetually wasting it, you shouldn’t allow them to do that, because then they walk all over you.
Especially in this case, If he’s not speaking up for himself and calling her out on it, and he’s just putting up with it, then what happens, if she can get away with little signs of disrespect, then other things happen and she starts to display more disrespect in other ways.
I knew she was nuts and full of baggage because of some things she told me while we were together – a 7-year relationship in her past with a psychopath, sarcastic comments all the time…
So, if somebody is just constantly being berated by their significant other and they stick around, that’s usually indicative of the fact that they don’t have a high opinion of themselves. Because people who love and value themselves, a high-value human being that knows what they bring to the table, is just simply not going to put up with that crap. But somebody who has a low opinion of themselves, and they put up with it, they really feel that way. And so, when somebody is constantly putting them down, that feels normal.
And one time after a date, she told me she went home and screamed on her fire escape like she was getting murdered, and then when back inside to see what happened. I was like… Okay?
So, she’s with this ex-boyfriend, goes outside, screams like she’s being murdered, just to see how he reacts. That sounds really healthy. And so, when you hear things like this, it’s like what Maya Angelou said, “When somebody tells you who they are, believe them the first time they tell you.” And so, she’s got all of these red flags, he knows she’s probably crazy, but he’s like, “Hey, she’s hot.” So, you shouldn’t be surprised at the outcome in these situations.
But despite all this, we were able to communicate respectfully and had a great time when we saw each other. Then things started to go sideways. I may have been moving too fast or in the wrong direction when I invited her to have dinner with my mom when she was in town, or when I asked her advice on something I was worried about in regards to a dental procedure. She started pulling away.
So, obviously, you can tell that he’s kind of at times making her into his mommy and treating her like one of the guys. That’s a bad way to go. Because she wants to follow your lead, and instead, he’s basically following her lead. He’s making her the man in the relationship, and that ruins the sexual polarity. And it causes her to lose respect, jerk him around, and mistreat him.
She had a birthday event with her sister and close friend and invited me on the day of. She wasn’t sending me articles to read anymore. Eventually, she went home for a funeral after warning me that she was bracing for an emotional breakdown, and for the first time, I stopped getting daily texts.
So, if somebody is putting in less time and less effort, it’s a sign that their interest is dropping. I don’t believe that he was familiar with my work, “How To Be A 3% Man,” at the time, or “Mastering Yourself,” or the latest and greatest, “Quotes, Ruminations & Contemplations,” which you can read all three on my website for free, just subscribe to the email newsletter.
When she came back, we went out to see some music, but she was distant and saying stuff like, “Come on, win me over.”
So, she’s basically tweaking his balls, saying, “Be a man. Stand up to me. Be the leader.” Because women help you when they like you, and she doesn’t know how to explain it to him or tell him what to do, but it’s obvious from that kind of a comment that she didn’t respect him. In other words, he’s making her feel like he’s beneath her. He’s treating her like a celebrity, and she’s starting to treat him like a fan.
We got home and she confessed about how she sometimes goes into a deep depression and cuts off many people in her life.
And so, it’s also possible that she’s telling him this because as she’s backing away, she could potentially be using this as the excuse, versus “Come on, win me over,” which is basically, “I’m losing attraction for you. Do something.” And then he didn’t do anything, and then she’s like, “Oh, well I’ve got this depression.”
Remember, women don’t want to hurt your feelings; they want to let you down easy. And so, if she’s backing away and then she tells a guy, “Hey, I’m about to get depressed, and I tend to disappear when that happens,” it’s like, she’s foreshadowing what she’s going to do to him. And guys think logically and think, “Okay, well, that makes sense why she backed away. It’s the depression thing.” But when you hear things like, “Come on, win me over,” that communicates she doesn’t have a lot of respect for him as a man, as a leader.
Fast forward a couple days, I get a text that says, “I need to go off the grid. You’re free to sleep with whoever you want, and we can see what’s up when I’m better.” I got her on the phone, and I asked, “Are you using depression as an excuse to break up with me?” She said no, she was legitimately feeling unable to function. We talked for a while and the tension went down. I even shared some stories of my own experiences with depression, and we agreed that we could work through it together. She texted me after and said, “Thank you, that meant a lot.”
Again, we always bottom line somebody’s actions. Words are nice, but their actions tell us everything.
Three days later I reached out to see how she was doing, and she told me that it was stressing her out to keep me in limbo and that we should just go on a break.
So, you can tell that she has the impression that he’s waiting around on her to come back to him, and at the end of the day, he’s still not stepping up and being the leader.
I took it in stride more or less but wrote her a text about how I thought it was strange that she kept mentioning that I see other people. That’s where the mask came off and she got snarky with me for the first time, saying, “Maybe I’m reading between the lines, but you wanted to have the ‘What are we?’ talk before asking if I was okay. This isn’t a test, it’s a depressive episode.”
So, then it was no contact for 2 months, and I spent time on YouTube learning about dismissive avoidants and some of the other stuff you find on there. I reached out after 2 months and got her on the phone.
Notice, “I got her on the phone.” That’s indicative he’s seeking her approval, hoping she gives him the time of day. But after eight months together, to not speak for two whole months, if he was the love of her life – her rock, her mountain – she’s not going to be interested in not talking for two months.
The reason they didn’t talk for two months is because she didn’t give a shit about him. Maybe she was legitimately feeling depression. I mean, obviously, the fact she got a little irritated shows that she didn’t respect him when she got snarky. But, let’s look at her actions. Women are that are in love with a guy are not going to be okay with not talking to them for two months. That’s just reality.
I got her on the phone where she more or less dragged me over the coals, displaying very little interest in getting back together and talking to me with almost no respect.
Yeah, because at this point, she doesn’t respect you as a man at all, because you allowed her to walk all over you and treat you like dirt. Therefore, she had no respect. If she doesn’t respect you, she doesn’t love you. And that’s why you didn’t hear from her for two months.
She said she wanted to see me in person but was about to leave for business and was just now starting to feel like she was becoming stable from her depression. I told her “Sure, we can do that.” I checked in again 3 or 4 weeks later, and she told me she had more family stuff that came up.
So again, there’s just no enthusiasm, no excitement. She just doesn’t want to see him. I mean, it’s obvious she’s completely over him and doesn’t care for him at all. And he’s still waiting around, hoping that she changes her mind.
I checked in 2 weeks later and she ghosted me.
And so, he’s also doing 100% of the pursuing here. He’s not paying attention to the fact that she’s doing zero reciprocation. On top of that, instead of her being happy to hear from him, she’s disrespectful, and dismissive, and blows him off. So, if we look at her actions, she wasn’t into it anymore. She wasn’t feeling it.
So, we had a last text exchange where I told her I wished she had just broken it off without being disrespectful and without setting the expectation that we were going to get back together.
Well, that’s your job as a man, is to understand these things. Women say things because they don’t want to hurt your feelings. That’s the harsh reality.
I gave her a link to a book that explained attachments, thinking that maybe she’d learn why she’s always pushing people in her life away.
Again, women don’t dump men they’re in love with; they dump men they have no respect for and low interest in. That’s a fact of life. Because if she’s going through a depressive episode, she’s going to want her man to be by her side to help her through it, not tell the guy to get lost. And if you just take the totality of how she interacted with him, she was into him at first, the respect dropped, and so did the interest. And once the interest was gone, she was gone.
THEN I found your work and realized how much of a pushover I was for probably half of the entire relationship. I have learned many things in this particular visit to the heartbreak hotel, and I’m looking forward to doing much better in the future.
Thanks for your insights!
Well, quite frankly, this girl should have been nothing more than a casual hookup, not somebody that you want to have a relationship with. He saw all the red flags, and then he proceeded anyway. And then on top of that, he put her on a pedestal and treated her like a celebrity. And what did she do? She totally dissed him, and treated him with disrespect, and then ghosted him. We can’t fault that because, obviously, he wasn’t aware of “How To Be A 3% Man.”
But these are the kinds of things you want to look for – the piercings, the tattoos, the bad attitude, always being late, being snarky and rude and disrespectful, pushing you away when they’re going through a difficult episode. Again, if the guy is her rock and her mountain, she’s going to want to pull him closer as she goes through a difficult time and not push him away. The reason she pushed him away is because she just didn’t want to be around him; she didn’t feel like he was her rock, her mountain.
Remember the comment, “Come on, win me over.” And so, that gives it all away, right there. She was losing interest and basically saying, “Stand up to me. Be a fucking man. Be the leader,” and he didn’t do it, and therefore, eventually, she ghosted him. So, it’s a good cautionary tale of what to look out for. When you see those red flags, you can’t ignore them. You can ignore reality, but you can’t ignore the consequences of ignoring reality.
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“Good, healthy relationships come from healthy, balanced people who are ready, willing, able and open to having a relationship. It’s always best to focus on getting to a happy place where you love and enjoy your time alone but would love to have somebody who is a great complement to your life. Trying to meet someone when you are not happy and hoping to get to a happy place once you find the right person will usually end in heartbreak and unnecessary drama, because you are hoping that someone outside of yourself will make you happy. People never live up to the unreasonable expectations that we place on them. Happiness is a choice, not a destination.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne
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