A Reconciliation Is Only Possible If She Participates Also

Why you can’t fix your relationship alone & it requires the participation of your partner.

In this members only video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a viewer who constantly loses his shit and blows up at his now ex-girlfriend. She constantly trolls him and is mean with insults. He wants to work things out, but it’s not happening because they both spiral into anger whenever they interact. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

Hi, I’m Coach Corey Wayne and this is my Video Coaching Newsletter. And the topic of today’s Members Only Newsletter is, “A Reconciliation Is Only Possible If She Participates Also.”

So in this Video Coaching Newsletter, this guy constantly loses his shit and blows up at his now ex-girlfriend, and she constantly trolls him and is kind of mean with insults which causes him to blow up. It’s like they’re both blowing up at each other, and it’s going to be impossible to work anything out if every time you talk and interact, you’re just exploding on each other, and not in a good way. So if you’ve got verbal blow ups, emotional blow ups, you’ve got to participate in your own rescue.

Remember, masculinity is calm. If the person you’re talking to is getting upset and insulting you and you just blow your top, you got to set healthy boundaries and you got to let her know that that way of talking to you, and that tone of voice is not okay. And she needs to stop. And if she keeps doing it, then you’re going to leave and tell her to call you when she calms down and she’s ready to talk and work things out in an adult manner.

You train women how to treat you. So if you’re constantly blowing up and freaking out at each other, then that just becomes the pattern, and then you just constantly blow it apart, you’re not going to be able to fix anything. And again, the only way you can fix anything is if she’s willing to fix it also. So it takes two to tango, as they say.

Viewer Email:

Hey Coach,

I sent an email a little over a month ago about my ex-girlfriend and how I couldn’t stop flipping my shit or staying centered in the relationship I made plenty of mistakes.

Well, obviously.

Though I would still date her, I wouldn’t romance or treat her as I did in the beginning.

Well, women want to be in a love story, and if you no longer do the things that she really liked. You don’t date and court her properly, or maybe at this point you just treat her like a booty call so you can get a sexual release, eventually women are going to figure that out. And they’re not going to like it and they’re not going to react too well when you just treat them like a booty call, especially after being in a long term relationship. It might be okay at first, but after a while they’re going to tire of it.

After the procedure she wanted me to be there for her, but I was far too caught up in my own suffering.

So I don’t know, maybe she had some kind of operation or something. I don’t recall seeing the other email. It wasn’t connected to this one.

She told me she lost respect love and trust in me, and she has never met a bigger piece of shit than me in her life.

Oh well, congratulations on your award. You’re the biggest piece of shit in her life. Congratulations. Must have taken some real effort.

Prior to that I tried to make her feel heard and understood and she calmed down but whenever me and her were talking she kept throwing snarky remarks and being condescending towards me.

Why is she condescending? Because she doesn’t respect you as a man. Potentially because she doesn’t respect her father. And if a woman doesn’t respect her Father, doesn’t love her Dad, and she’s just not going to respect men in general, and this is how they are. She’s pissed off at Dad. And since she’s pissed off at Dad, she’s pissed off at men in general. And when they give her a reason to be pissed off, she lets the guys have it. So that may be the reason why.

But women also, if you lose your shit and she knows that if she can insult you or make some snarky comments, and you’re going to freak out, she’ll keep doing it just because that’s the way women are. It’s like they find a chink in your armor. They’re going to throw some salt in there, squirt some lemon juice in there, maybe stick a hot poker in there and move it around a little bit. That’s what happens when they sense weakness. They probe and they test and they exploit it. Because it’s supposed to make you stand up and become a better man and not lose your shit.

I got annoyed and I went to sleep. She left she called me to vent about it how I’ve hurt her in the past again and I made the same mistake again. Like in the previous email I got annoyed and I just said, “I thought we talked through this last night we’ve both hurt each other throughout this relationship let it go already”.

Well, if she’s bringing it up again, something you’ve talked about many times. Just like the book says, this is how women communicate. What they’re trying to say is, “What you’re doing now you’re hurting me the same way you did previously.”

That’s why they bring up the same story in the same incident. And you predictably, like most guys that don’t know any better, say, “hey, we already talked about this and resolved it. Why are you bitching about the garbage I didn’t take out six months ago.” It was like, “come on. Or the fact that I didn’t fix the garage door opener or whatever happens to be here. I didn’t get your tires replaced in your car when I said I was going to. And then you spun out and hydroplane because you had no tread left and then wrecked the car. And then I got mad at you for wrecking the car. When I didn’t fix the tires like I said I was going to.”

The reason women bring the same things up over and over again, and especially the same incident when you think you’ve moved on past it. Is it how they’re trying to say, “hey, you made me feel just like when you did this.” That’s why she’s bringing it up. But he’s all up in his feelings and he’s mad and he’s retaliating. He’s trying to win an argument, so he just blows his top and freaks out.

She sent me text later on saying “I lost everything in this relationship maybe one day you’ll look back and realize so did you.” After that I texted her “I already did, and I’ll always love you”. Two weeks later I saw her in the gym, but she avoided eye contact, so I just went about my workout. The next day I saw her at the gym again mind you late night with her friend. I finish my work out and I hop on the treadmill to do cardio for an hour. The gym is practically empty and there are plenty of treadmills and bicycles available from me. She and friend get on the bicycle directly in front of my tread mill.

This is what women do. This is how they try to get your attention. They just move to your vicinity, act like they don’t see you and expect you to say something to them.

They finish within 15 minutes, and I continue for an hour. I thought they had left, and on my way out I saw them but again no eye contact or sign she even wanted to be spoken to.

So you’re both basically acting like, “oh, I didn’t see you in there. I was standing directly in front of you, even though there was nobody else in the gym at this time.”

A day later I was swiping through Bumble and we matched. Her response was one of the generated ones, “where would we go for our first date?” I didn’t even get a chance to LOL before I texted her, “hey stranger”. She let the match expire.

She let the match expire probably because she didn’t want to talk to you.

I texted her the following week, “Hey idk where you’re at mentally or if you’re seeing someone but I’d like to work things out and give it another shot”. Today since I did the breakup, I wanted to make it clear where I stood. Bad move?

Well, you dumped her, but look how you guys interact. When you do see each other and when you do talk to each other, you just, “Kaboom.” She’s upset, she’s mad, she’s hurt. And you’re not exercising self-control. You’re not providing a calm environment where things can be worked out. You’re blowing your top and you’re not communicating like you should be communicating with the woman. There’s a video I did many years ago called, “How to Communicate with Women Effectively”. I suggest you watch that again.

What should I do, Coach? I really screwed the pooch. Going out playing the numbers game and dating on the weekends.

Bob

Well, I guess she didn’t reply to that. So if she’s not going to reply to that, it’s pretty hard to work anything out. So you should be following what’s in 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back the Article and Video I did many years ago. It’s what, ten years probably? If you hear from her, invite her over to make dinner at your place. Hang out. Have fun. Hook up. But if she brings some things up, and you freak out and blow your top and start cursing at her again, it’s because what’s happening is, she’s bringing up things that upset her.

And it’s like, you just like, don’t want to deal with it. You want to argue with her. You’re trying to win the argument. And when you try to win the argument, all it makes her feel like is you’re not listening anyways. You’re not understanding her. And then you blow your top. So you’re not going to be able to work anything out with her. And it won’t be just with her. Any other women in the future that you behave that way with you’re going to have the same problem. But again, I’m assuming that this girl is a normal, healthy, good woman who’s got her shit together and was raised in a good environment.

If that’s not the case, if she was raised in a bad environment or Dad did a shitty job, or she just didn’t doesn’t respect her Father, it’s going to be pretty hard to work things out anyways, just because she automatically will presuppose the worst based on what was modeled for her at home. So you hit the ball over the net. If she’s not going to respond, then what can you do? Because whatever a woman feels, whatever you make her feel when you’re with her, is what she’s going to associate with being with you. And if we look at the last several times you guys have interacted and talked, whether together and the person or the phone, it just ends in nastiness and spite towards each other.

You’re not going to be able to fix anything when you’re doing that. You’ve got to be the calm one. But again, I’m assuming she came from a good, healthy family. If that’s not the case, well, it’s probably going to be fucked anyways. You just won’t be able to work things out. But at this point, unless you hear back from her, you’re not going to be able to fix anything. If she moves around the gym and won’t make eye contact with you and walks by you, kind of trolling you and then goes outside but won’t make eye contact when you walk out. It’s like she’s not really trying to engage you.

It’s like she’s just playing games, like a game of chicken. Oh, who can ignore each other the most in the longest and pretend like we don’t see each other? Well, congratulations. That’s what you guys are doing. But again, if she reaches out as soon as she wants to see you, invite her over. Hang out. Have fun. Hook up. And that means she’s got to do most of the talking. When you’re hanging out and you can’t freak out, you can’t get upset. You can’t blow your top at her, or just leave the room when you don’t like what you hear.

You have to stand and face the music and take your medicine and hear all the ways that you hurt her or upset her. But you know, it doesn’t sound like it was working before. And you’re either miss applying what’s in the book, or you’re with a girl that just her dad did a shitty job. And if that’s the case, it’s like you’re not going to be able to fix that anyways.

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen on any page, and book a coaching session with yours truly. Until next time, I will talk to you soon.