If you are a woman, you can avoid making the mistakes most other women unknowingly make that push men away, cause rejection and loss of intimacy. If you are a man, you will learn to recognize these dysfunctional and destructive behaviors, so the women you care about don’t get under your skin, or create problems in your relationship. You’ll also be able to communicate to her in a loving way she’ll understand, so she takes corrective action, and doesn’t unknowingly sabotage your relationship.
Most women tend to not understand how important it is to the overall health and success of their relationship, that the men in their lives feel successful at making them happy. To the average man, when his wife, girlfriend or woman he is dating starts complaining or is unhappy, he takes it personally as if it is his fault. Most women who do not understand men, seem to think that being a pest, nagging or pointing out everything their men do wrong is how to get them to do what they want, or treat them the way they want to be treated. These women obviously learned the dysfunctional behavior of whining and bitching as the strategy to get men to do what they want, or give them what they wanted. Over time, men who are constantly emasculated and put down by their women, will withdraw and move away from the relationship. In order for a man to feel validated in his relationship, he needs to feel that he is successful at making her happy and showing her a good time. It does not matter if the reason she is upset had anything to do with something he did or did not do. It’s just the way us men are built. We want our women to be happy. When they are not, we feel like a failure.
The number one most important thing to men in a relationship is… loyalty. Maybe it’s left over from the days when you had to worry about getting eaten by a saber tooth tiger, and you needed to make sure that your buddy had your back; otherwise, you’d get eaten. Men want to be loved by a woman who lovingly builds them up even when they are not around. We want our women to be our greatest cheerleaders. In our moments of weakness and doubt, we want our girl to whisper into our ear confidently, “Honey, I believe in you. I love you! I know you can do it! etc.” In a relationship, we’re supposed to have a teammate who is committed to similar life goals and outcomes. For the women who only bitch and never try to be sweet, they always leave their men thinking and feeling, “whose team are you on anyways?”
If you are a woman who recognizes that bitching and complaining is not a loving way to communicate and get what you want from your man, then you must be sweet and loving when you ask your man to do things for you, or treat you how you want to be treated. The best way to get what you want from your man? Write it down in simple step-by-step instructions on a sheet of paper exactly what you want him to do. Explain to him how important it is for him to do what you ask, or treat you the way you want to be treated. Explain to him how happy it will make you if he does these simple things for you. If you give him a simple strategy to follow that will make you happier, more loving, more affectionate and sweeter, he’ll be happy to do it. Why? You’re giving him a plan that will guarantee that he is successful at making you happy. If a man feels like he can be successful at making his woman happy, he’s happy. Men and masculine energy is about achievement. That includes the achievements of making our women happy.
Another thing that is important to understand about bitching and complaining, is that it instantly causes us to tune women out and not listen. Why would we want to listen to a woman bashing us and telling us all of the things we are doing wrong, or aren’t doing that are making her unhappy? If you are a man whose woman constantly emasculates you, then you need to explain to her in a loving way how you want to be treated, and why and how her behavior is detrimental to the long-term success of your relationship. If you let a woman abuse you, and do nothing to stop her, you are enabling her behavior and guaranteeing she will continue to do it.
The following is an e-mail I got from a reader. It’s obvious that she is unaware of how her words are hurtful and mean to the man she is dating. She does not realize that if she continues to talk to him, or any other man in such an unloving way, they will eventually withdraw and leave the relationship. My comments (are in bold brackets like this) in the body of her e-mail:
Hi Coach Corey!
I know you’re all about helping the guy get the girl, but I was hoping you could help me out with something that’s been on mind a lot lately… I met a dude online a while back and I’m starting to get the feeling that he might be gay :/ I actually asked him if he was and he got pretty defensive… (Duh! What you actually communicated to him was that he is unsuccessful at making you happy, and convincing you he really is a man. Men want to feel that they are successful at making a woman happy in their relationship. You basically told him he was a failure.
What’s really going on is he is not loving you in the way you want to be loved. What you should have done, is ask in a loving way, and tell him exactly how you would like him to treat you so that you feel loved and supported. Tell him in chronological order exactly what you want done step by step. Men think logically, not emotionally like women do. If you talk around in circles hoping he will “get it” or get the hint, you’re wasting your time! You need to be direct, to the point and give him specific instructions. Men will happily give you what you want, when you are sweet and ask lovingly. He will do it because it will make him feel more successful in your relationship.
Guys need a plan or a success strategy. The more you make him feel like he doesn’t have what it takes to make you happy, the more distant he will become and the more it will damage your relationship. It’s also the adult way to communicate, instead of, giving him a swift kick to the balls like you did by asking him if he was gay. That’s a direct shot at his manhood. Even if he is gay, that’s not the proper way to approach it.) his reply was “wtf hell no why would you ask that”, then I asked him if he ever thought about it and he just said no… I played it off like I was kidding, but I’m not at all…I’ve always had good instincts about people, but I know I can be a bit paranoid also (and rude and mean)… and I don’t trust anyone!
(Maybe you don’t feel that he is really that into you, or could be that into you? If he’s not, you simply look at his actions to determine how he really feels towards you.) I could really use your advice/input on this one. (My suggestion would be for you to read my book. Even though I wrote it for men, the same principles apply. Plus, you could really use some of the communication skills I discuss in my book. They will help your relationship tremendously, so you get what you want from him. You can download the Amazon Kindle version of my book to your Smartphone, PC, Mac or iPad in under 60 seconds for only $9.99 by CLICKING HERE. Once you communicate to him in a way that he acknowledges and understands, he’ll either do it, or he won’t. If he won’t, you can either put up with it, or leave him to find someone who will.)
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From my heart to yours,
Author, Speaker, Peak Performance Coach, Entrepreneur
“Things turn out best for the people who make the best of the way things turn out.” -John Wooden