Accepting Her Past & Still Loving Her

Accepting your girlfriend’s past and still loving her despite knowing other men she’s been with.

In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a viewer who has listened to my How To Be A 3% Man Audiobook, 5-6 times per year over the past five years. He’s been in a relationship and living with his girlfriend for two years. They don’t talk about past lovers, but over the last two years that they’ve been together, she has told stories about wild times in Las Vegas and they’ve run into guys she has a romantic history with.

He’s concerned with her sexual history and wondering if he should stay with a woman who has had such a wild past and asks my opinion. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

What’s interesting is, you’ve probably heard me say many times, people can hide who they are for about the first ninety days of a relationship. And so, obviously, when you live with somebody, there really aren’t a lot of secrets, especially if you spend so much time together — breakfast, lunch, dinner, weekends, evenings. You’re just around each other all the time. You become extremely comfortable just being yourselves.

And so, what he’s noted, he says “We haven’t had conversations talking about our sexual history,” because that is just never a good conversation to have, because somebody is going to end up upset or butt hurt about it. But he says over the last couple of years they’ve been together, she’s made a bunch of comments about times in Vegas, or they’ve run into guys that she’s got a history with. And so, now he’s starting to kind of question, “Who is this girl?” Because he’s worried that obviously she’s got a really long, extensive past of being very promiscuous with a lot of different dudes. So he’s wondering, in essence, “Does my girl belong to the streets?”

Typically, most people like a deep connection with somebody. They like being around somebody that they actually want to hang out with and who feels the same way. And if you think in terms of how often you meet a new best friend or a really close friend, somebody who becomes important in your life, it’s an extremely rare occurrence for most people. And the same thing comes with romantic partners.

It’s just in between those romantic partners, during your single life, what you choose to do or not to do. Because a lot of people get mixed up with people that they just have average to mediocre interest in and who have average to mediocre interest in them. They’re not really passionate about each other, but they’re also not dissatisfied enough to move on to find somebody who really knocks their socks off. So the average person that you’re going to encounter has settled in most areas of their life.

And obviously me, I’m all about peak performance and having the best experiences that you can have, because eventually it’s going to come to an end. Eventually, Father Time is undefeated and he takes us all out. And so, the question is, how are you going to spend your days, your weeks, your months, your years, your decades? Who are you going to spend it with? And what kind of life and lifestyle are you going to live? Because no matter what you choose, there’s consequences to everything. Obviously, the more promiscuous you are, the more you sleep around, especially if you like going into the raw, really, it’s just a numbers game before you encounter somebody that you get the gift that keeps on giving from.

Every friend I’ve had, guys that I know that are in the pickup community, people that you would know if I mentioned their names, every single one of them has gotten something from somebody because of a result of living like that. It’s just a numerical, statistical certainty that, eventually, if you burn the candle at both ends, so to speak, you might get something a little funky that sticks around. So, there’s consequences to everything.

If you love having great experiences, especially whether it’s with friends or with a woman that just sets your soul on fire, makes you feel joy in your heart, those kinds of connections are worth the wait. But most people don’t wait for those to happen, and they certainly don’t do the work on themselves that’s necessary to become the person they need to be in order for something like that to happen when the opportunity does come along.

Viewer’s Email:

Good Morning, Coach, 

I’ve been a follower for years, have read the book and listened to the audiobook 5-6 times a year for the last 5 years, and am currently in a relationship and living with a great girl of two years. We have great polarity, and she admires my mission and drive, which is a great compliment to my life. 

Her and I have never talked about past lovers – because it’s not my business and I’m confident I’m a catch in mine and her eyes – but over the last two years, I’ve become privy to a long history of sexual encounters that I really wish I didn’t know about.  I’ll hear her tell stories about times in Vegas or abroad and a few times we’ve ran into guys who she’s had a history with, and I’m starting to wonder if she’s the girl I fell for at the onset.

Well, the reality is that you’re projecting your fantasy of what you wanted or what you hoped your girlfriend would be, and men throughout history typically tend to prefer women with a low body count. It’s just the way it is. You want to feel she’s special and she’s yours. She’s only sharing herself with you.

Because back in the day, before birth control you, if your girl slept with somebody else, somebody else could be knocking your girl up. And if you didn’t know about it, imagine before DNA testing, how many guys throughout history raised children that weren’t even theirs? And they had no idea about that. So, from a guy’s perspective, they’re concerned about it.

If you look in nature, when you look at lions, lions will kill the offspring of other males that have mated with the same females in their tribe, just because the kids aren’t theirs. I mean, nature is pretty harsh about that. But everyone wants to feel like “she’s special, she’s mine, she’s different than everybody else.” And then, the reality is that you find out, “Oh, well, I wasn’t the first one,” and that’s kind of typical. I mean, let’s face it, women tend to mature before guys do. And it’s a lot easier, especially when women are younger, to start meeting and dating and hooking up with the Alphas that they go to school with. And then it continues on into college, or they go into a sorority. It depends on the person.

The important thing to consider with this is especially her relationship history. Has she been loyal and faithful to her boyfriends in the past? What about her parents? Are her parents together? Have her parents been loyal and faithful to one another, or is there a history of cheating? Has she been cheated on in the past? These are all things that you definitely, if you’re thinking about staying with somebody long term and you’re interested in exclusivity and monogamy, you’ve got to find out whether or not your girl values it.

I have lots of phone sessions with guys that will say, “Oh, my girlfriend’s got a great relationship with her father.” I’m like, “Okay, so tell me about her father.” And then you kind of find out, well, he’s kind of a Beta male, and spoiled her, and never stands up to her, and she’s very beautiful and, in essence, created a little tyrant. He never set or enforced any healthy boundaries with her.

And so, a lot of guys make the mistake, because they’ve heard me talk about if you’re going to be in a long term, monogamous relationship, ideally you want a woman who has a good relationship with her mom and especially her dad, and their parents are together, and they have a good, healthy relationship where they work through their differences and they talk things out. Everybody’s been loyal and faithful to one another. That means that’s a value system that gets taught or passed on to the kids.

Now, it doesn’t mean 100% of time they’re always going to be just like their parents. It just means statistically, and from a probability perspective, the chances of her being loyal and faithful to you, if she comes from a loyal and faithful and good family and hasn’t cheated on her past or previous boyfriends or dated a bunch of guys that cheated on her — because women that tend to date one guy after another that cheat on them, there’s usually something more to the story there. So, you have to dig deeper. And that’s what you’re really looking for, is she going to be loyal and faithful to you if you stay with her?

You guys have been together for two years. I assume you didn’t move in together right away, maybe you’ve been living together for a year, but it’s still pretty new. But obviously, if everything is going well, you don’t want to create problems. Because what’s happening now is you’re starting to form all these negative ideas in your head about what it potentially means about your girlfriend and her sexual past.

But at the end of the day, if she’s to sit there and list every single guy she’s ever slept with, you’re not going to like that. You’re not going to want to know that. It’s not going to cause you to look at your girlfriend and be more attracted to her. It’s going to cause you to have pause. And you’ve got to ask yourself, is it really worth it?

If things are going well, she’s being loyal and faithful and monogamous, she’s not doing things like hiding her phone from you or staying out all hours of the night with her girlfriends, and you don’t know where she is or what she’s doing. None of that’s going on. And she hasn’t given you any evidence that she’s not a loyal and faithful person. Then if you start creating problems because of your worry or your fear about where she’s at, then now you’re creating problems in your relationship, and it’s going to cause her to lose attraction for you and to back away.

The other thing that you want to be consider is, if everything is going well in your relationship, the last thing you want is a woman who’s constantly seeking attention and validation from other guys. Because women either invite that or they stop guys that are attracted and say, “I’ve got a boyfriend.” They don’t go beyond that. Women who have no integrity and who belong to the streets will give their number out, especially if things aren’t going well in their relationship. And they’ll text other guys and talk to other guys and maybe meet them out for a lunch or a friendly drink.

This is why you date, this is why you live together, to see how she behaves. What’s her value system? What is she like if she gets together with a guy, an old guy friend, if you will? She’s going to want to have you there. She’s going to want you to meet him or meet his his girlfriend or his wife as well. She’s not going to go sneaking around on you. A woman who has integrity is just not going to do that. And a woman who has no integrity will do that. So, these are the things you look for.

Again, this is dating, living together. It’s like test driving a car. You don’t get married until you’re 100% certain, after many years together, that you guys can get along. Again, you’re looking for easy going, easy to get along with, little to no drama. She communicates, she shares what’s in her heart. She’s authentic, tells it like it is, communicates when she’s upset and is willing to work through problems, not give you the silent treatment or stonewall you or be a pain in the ass.

With that said, I know it’s not my business, but I can’t help but question whether I want to be with someone who’s had such a wild past.  I’m no saint by any stretch and have had plenty of experiences myself, but definitely not as many as she has and it’s starting to wear on me.

Well, quite frankly, I think that is the case with a lot of guys and the girls that they end up with. Oftentimes, the women have had more partners than they’ve had. It’s just reality. But what kind of behavior has she displayed, potentially or not, that would communicate she’s not loyal and trustworthy and she’s not the girl you thought she was? Because there’s plenty of people that have the view that the more sexual partners a woman has, and I think the statistics back this up, you look at women who have had a low body count, they have a low incidence of divorce. The higher the body count, the higher the rate of divorce.

Now, is it strictly because of the amount of partners that they’ve had, or is it because of their level of integrity or lack of integrity? It’s going to depend on a case by case basis. But the reality is, statistically, when you just look at the numbers, women who have a really high body count tend to not stay together. They tend to have a higher divorce rate — something to consider.

I’m a very spiritual person, and I look at things completely different than almost 100% of the people probably that watch me or that are into my work. Because I have gay clients, I have lesbian clients, I have women that are bisexual that I coach, and my job is to serve people and to help them achieve their outcomes. That’s what a coach does. I’m not here to be your priest, or tell you which way or not to live, or which relationship style is right for you. You’ve got to figure that out on your own.

All I can do is gently lead, give you some suggestions, teach you what works, what creates sexual attraction, what creates a sexual polarity and what ruins it, so you can be your most attractive self. So you get the opportunity to have the experience in relationship with the people that you want, versus missing out and always wondering what it would have been like with that person. And then you’ve just got a fantasy, instead of having a real world experience that can give you wisdom.

My question is, is this something I just need to accept and move forward? 

Well, you haven’t said anything about her hiding her phone or entertaining attention from other guys or inviting attention. I heard none of that. And chicks that belong to the streets, usually you see a lot of that. So having done tens of thousands of phone sessions over the last 15, 16, 17 years, whatever it is now, at this point, it’s like you see the same pattern. And if she’s had more sexual partners than you would like, but she’s never displayed any kind of behavior that would show that she’s disloyal and won’t be faithful, you’ve got to give her the benefit of the doubt. Why create problems when none exist?

And the other thing you’ve got to consider is if you come from drama and you come from chaos and things are going well in your relationship, you’ve got to make sure that you’re not trying to create chaos in your relationship just because that’s what you’re emotionally anchored to and what you’re used to. If things are going well, see how it goes.

I know every girl I meet will have a past of some sort, so that isn’t unique, but does it ever get to a point where too much is just too much? 

Like I said, how does she behave when she’s with you? Has she displayed any behavior that would cause you to doubt she’s going to be anything but loyal and faithful? And if the answer is no, then you shouldn’t be creating drama in your relationship unnecessarily.

Now if she’s seeking attention and validation from other guys all the time, even though when things are supposedly going great and she says she’s really happy and in love with you, then yeah, a chick like that, she belongs to the streets and I would never marry somebody like that. Because it’s just a matter of time before she’s bored or whatever, enough time has passed, you’ve been together enough and you get bored with each other, she’ll just go out and sleep with somebody else and not feel any remorse. Those women are out there.

I’m not worried about her comparing me to them or that I’ll lose her to anyone from her past, (would be her loss), but I want to make sure I’m making the right decision if she could potentially be the future mother of my children.

Well, it’s still kind of early. You don’t know what you don’t know yet. And you probably have only lived together maybe a year, maybe six months. See what happens after two, three, four years of living together. If it’s easy and it’s effortless and you guys fit like a glove, it’s like putting on an old pair of shoes, that’s what you want. And very few women you’re going to meet in life, it’s going to be easy and effortless with. That’s just reality.

It makes me think of your saying “you can’t turn a ho into a house wife,” but I’m not sure if that is applicable here or not. 

I appreciate everything you do, Coach!

All the best, 

Bob

Well, like I said, you didn’t mention one thing in your email that showed any hint or inkling there was a lack of integrity, just the fact that she has more sexual partners than you would like. I look at what people do, not what they say. And so, based on what you shared, everything looks good. So far, so good. But you don’t know. You don’t know what you don’t know yet, so just be observant, pay attention.

Look for those kinds of behaviors, hiding her phone from you, going out and doing things, staying out late, coming home at 2:00 in the morning on a weeknight or on the weekend, and then you’re out of touch with her at certain times and you don’t know what she’s doing. She’s hanging out with friends that maybe you don’t know that well. Those are all things to look for, and like I said, I haven’t seen any of it so far.

So, if she’s not doing anything to make you doubt that she’s loyal and faithful, you’ve got to assume that she’s being loyal and faithful. Because the worst thing to do is start accusing her of cheating or doing something wrong, and then you’re going to look like you’re needy and insecure and you’re jealous. And the only guys who get jealous are guys that don’t do a good job of prequalifying their dating prospects or guys that are weak, needy and insecure.

So you’ve got to think, if you’re constantly accusing her of doing things wrong and she hasn’t, you’re going to make yourself look like a bitch, she’s going to lose attraction for you and eventually you’ll drive her out of your life. So, if things are going well, keep it going well. If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.

So if you’d like to get my help personally, the quickest way is to go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly.

“When you love and value yourself, you tend to only share your body with someone after you first have shared your souls and connected with them on a spiritual level. Having sexual partners who you feel nothing for but enjoy having sex with can often feel like you are wasting your essence and devaluing what you have to offer. If you don’t value yourself, then nobody else will either. Most people prefer a deeper emotional, mental, spiritual and physical connection with someone they have mutual interest with, versus no strings attached sexual encounters with people who you’ll never see or speak to again. Scarcity creates value, and we tend to value that which is rare, special and hard to come by.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne

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