Accepting Maybe Dates Leads To Her Wasting Your Time

Why you shouldn’t accept maybe dates to avoid rejection & what to do instead.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a viewer who walked away from a girl he met three years ago. She reached out in May and they had one date. When he tried to set a second date, she offered a maybe date and suggested she might not be able to make it. She ended up cancelling and he hasn’t heard from her in three months.

He wonders what happened. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

So the higher a woman’s interest, the less likely she’s going to do these things, but the lower her interest where she’s kind of not sure she could take it or leave it going out with you, if you accept a maybe date, basically you’re saying that your time’s not really that valuable and you’re open to having her waste it and blow you off at the last minute, which is what usually happens. That’s why the book is laid out not to accept maybe dates, but this particular guy did. Then of course, she said, “Oh, I might not be able to make it.” Then of course, she wasn’t able to make it. So now he hasn’t heard from her in three months and he’s wondering like, “What the hell happened?”

I think every guy has had this experience. They’ve gone out with a girl, maybe they had one date and they get a maybe or, “Hey, call me to confirm the day of,” or “Let’s finalize the details the day of,” that kind of thing. When you leave stuff up in the air like that, nine times out of 10, the date’s not going to happen. She’ll have something come up and then you won’t end up going out after all.

Viewer Email:

Hi Coach,

I met this girl three years ago in class when she had a boyfriend and a relationship she didn’t want but she stuck to it. She blocked me because of how flirty we were.

It sounds like you probably did and said something that turned her off and she blocked you. Maybe you were being obnoxious. You kept pursuing. Maybe you were trying to convince her to dump her boyfriend and how much happier she’d be with you, that kind of thing, which is just approval and attention seeking behavior. It’s very unmasculine.

Anyways, after walking away from her and leaving the door open, she came back and we had a date in May. Where she admitted to me that she regretted what she did, and that she did date a co-worker before me. She also said she was in therapy, but soon after we went out she stopped.

Anyways, she wanted me to go to the park with her and I did after telling her I need to get my own stuff done first. Then over FaceTime, she said she wanted to go for a drive and I suggested we should go together and she picked me up. Every time we kissed as a goodbye.

Anyways, I proposed that we should watch a movie after she’s done with the hospital (That’s her school. She studying to be a radiologist) and she agreed.

Well, one thing I will say is that if she hasn’t been to your house, if you guys haven’t hooked up yet and then you’re just trying to invite her over to Netflix and chill, most girls know what you’re trying to do. They know you got an agenda, and the only reason you really want to come over and watch a movie is you’re hoping to get a little bit on the couch. You want to be a little smoother like that. So if you end up back at your place Netflix and chilling, it’s because you were on a date doing other fun things, but guys are lazy. They want the lazy man’s way to sex and relationships, and it’s just for them, “Oh, I just invite her over and we’ll just pick up right where we left off with all the heavy kissing and petting on our previous date.”

You got to understand, each date is its own microcosm. If she was real warmed up and hot and heavy and you almost went all the way the last time, a lot of guys say, “Well, if I just invite her over, we’ll just pick up where we left off, and within an hour we’ll be hooking up,” but you got to warm her up. It’s the same process. Typically takes four to five hours on a date for the average woman to be ready.

That’s why you just follow the protocols that are in the book, because it creates the a conditions where you can hang out, you can have fun, you can do a lot of talking, you do a lot of listening, you go to two, maybe three venues and then when you guys are all over each other, then you can say, “Hey, why don’t we get out of here and go back to my place and put a movie in? Maybe pop a bottle of wine or something.”

So it’s like at the end of the night, then it’s smoothly, but if you just think, “Oh well, it almost happened the last time we were together. So let me just invite her over to watch a movie and we’ll just pick up right where we left off.” That’s how us guys tend to think, but it’s not the best, most effective way to go. Especially if she doesn’t feel safe and comfortable with you enough yet, you might get one of these type of responses that she’s given to him.

The night that it happened, she warned me that she might not be able to make it and I said to keep me posted.

Which basically means, “Hey, no problem. If you want to waste my time and cancel the last minute, that’s fine.” If you don’t value your time, nobody else will either. Especially a woman who’s got lower interest in you. Remember, this is a girl that had you blocked for a lot of years. Again, I don’t know what led to the blocking. I find it hard to believe it was just because you guys were flirting so much. Probably because you annoyed her and you kept pestering her, and that’s why she blocked you. Or maybe you were texting her at inconvenient times when she was with her boyfriend.

So instead of having those messages pop up in her phone and him going, “Like, who’s that dude?” She just blocked you. So clearly whatever he was doing the first time around didn’t go well, and just inviting her to come straight over to his house for their second date, it’s a bad way to go because again, it doesn’t look like she’d even been there yet. On top of that, that’s why she says, “Well, I might not be able to make it.” When a woman says that, it’s pretty much assured she’s gonna not be able to make it.

When she said she couldn’t make it, I sent a voice message saying, “No worries. Let me know when you want to watch it.”

So in other words, he’s just being lazy. “OK well, let me know next time you want to come over and Netflix and chill.”

She was scared to open it because it’s the only message that took her an hour to respond to.

Well, you’re making an assumption there.

I didn’t text her at all and the next day she texted me playfully apologizing for yesterday and saying she been really stressed out and thinks she’s having a major depressive episode.

Oh, so now she’s telling you what a fruit loop she is. That’s not the kind of thing you go, “Oh wow! Can’t wait to see her again!” That’s the kind of thing that should just make you take a step back. The other thing you got to understand, when a woman is trying to make excuses as to why she can’t see you, she tends to use hyperbole and blow things a little out of proportion, which that might be what she’s doing here. It’s just like, “Oh, work’s been crazy. It’s just so out of control. My boss is a slave driver, and it’s really difficult. It’s just my schedule is so up in the air,” and the reality is they just don’t want to see you. They’re not that interested.

I said if she wants space then that’s fine and she thanked me. That was early June, so three-and-a-half months ago. Was it bullshit and she moved? Or was it real? Doesn’t this seem strange to be gone for such a long time?

P.S., She does watch my stories when I post them, but I rarely use social media.

Bob

Well, I wouldn’t have suggested space. Again, when someone says, “Oh, I think I’m having a major depressive mode,” that sounds like somebody that’s like a manic depressive. In other words, she’s telling you she’s got mental health issues that are unresolved. So in that case, what you should be doing is saying, “Hey, no problem. Well, let me know if there’s anything I can do. Hit me up when you’re feeling better.”

Again, I would have never agreed to the maybe date. If she says, “Well, I might not be able to make it,” the correct response, as the book says, is to do the takeaway because you don’t want to create the conditions, especially if you’re a busy professional and you got one night open a week, yet you leave it open until the last minute and then she just goes, “Oh, I can’t make it,” what you should say is, “Well, if you’re not sure you can make it, let’s do it another night where your schedule is more open.” You say it like that because you’re basically making it easy for her to cancel the date if she doesn’t really want to go on it, and if she doesn’t really want to go on it, she’ll say, “Yeah, let’s just do it another time.” If she really wants to see you and was just kind of testing to see if you would stand up to her, she’ll go, “No, no, no, I want to see you. I’ll definitely make it. We’re definitely on.”

So those are the two type of responses that you can get, but you made the mistake of accepting the maybe date she canceled and to further justify the reason for a cancellation. “Oh, I may be having a major depressive episode.” Maybe that’s true, maybe she’s just using hyperbole to exaggerate to sell the fact that she knows she jerked you around. At the end of the day, you haven’t heard from her in three months, and quite frankly, a woman that’s going to say something like that, use her mental health issues as an excuse for something and exaggerate whether it’s real or not, that’s not the kind of thing that says, “Green flag, let’s go!” That’s the kind of thing that makes you say, “Ah, chick’s probably a little messed up. Maybe it’s better that I didn’t go out with her the first time around.” Like I said, what’s done is done.

I mean, what you could do is you could reach back out and say, “Hey, you! What’s going on? I’d love to see you,” and just take one more shot at it, trying to make a date, because as the book says, make two attempts, maybe a few weeks later after the last one, she’s in a different headspace and she says yes, you go out, you hang out, have fun, hook up, but if you’re going to invite girls back to your place, it should be after they’ve already been there and after you’ve already hooked up. Don’t think that just because you almost hooked up in the last date, that the next date you can just skip going out meeting or picking her up or whatever and just have her come right over and thinking it’s just going to go right back to where it was the last time you saw her because again, you want to be smooth about it. You want her to have the experience as if this is just a natural progression of an evening and a date that’s going really well.

Of course, you end back up at his place, hanging out, having fun and hooking up, but inviting her straight over and then she gives you the maybe date because she probably didn’t feel safe and comfortable enough doing that yet, she knew what you were up to, she knew you were thinking you were going to bone, and that’s why you invited her over to Netflix and chill, basically. It’s just you’re doing things out of sequence and it’s not the proper approach.

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