Acting Dopey & Needy & Too Many Dates Too Soon Delays The Relationship Talk

The importance of taking measured steps so she falls in love quickly.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a viewer who met a woman he really liked. He acted dopey at times and also needy and impatient. She started jerking him around and he pursued too much and tried to set way too many dates too soon.

It’s now been over three months and 20 dates later and she’s not in love and she isn’t ready for a relationship. He wonders why. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

Well, this is a good email. It just shows even guys that are a little older, this guy’s 50 years old, he’s learning this stuff for the first time. When a guy really likes the girl, it’s really hard to control his emotions. So he gets impatient, he’s double texting, he’s having a date, talking about future dates while he’s on the date he’s on, and then he drops her off. She says, “Thanks for a good date.” An hour or two later. Then he tries to set the next date.

So you can tell he’s a little dopey over her, and he’s clearly communicated that he’s way more into her than she is into him. We all know that women like you more if it’s the other way around, if they think that they like you more than you like them. They prefer it that way, even though they’ll say otherwise. It drives them crazy, but in a good way. It makes them really work to win you over and keep you, but when you over-pursue like this guy, they’re three months down the road and 20 plus dates, she’s not in love. I guess he’s met her father and he’s kind of like, “Oh, when are you guys going to get serious?” She’s like, “Hey, dad, don’t pressure us.” So it’s pretty clear that she’s emotionally not in the same place that this guy is, and it’s just as a result of his over-eagerness, he’s acting dopey, a little too nice, too available, too much, too soon, just kind of smothering her.

So it’s a good email of what not to do, but every guy struggles with it. You guys that have read 3% Man, I mean, I struggled. It’s a hell of a thing to try to overcome because inside you really want her, but deep down, you fear you’re not going to get her because every time you dated somebody that really knocked your socks off, they always seem to fade away and the more effort you put in, the more they faded away, and every guy has had that experience.

So let’s go through his email.

Viewer Email:

Dear Coach, 

First off, I want to thank you for your wisdom and guidance in helping all of us get through life’s challenges. You’re awesome! Thank you. I’ve been following your work for a few years. Got your book on Audible and go through it quite often these days.

Probably because he’s in panic mode.

As well as the videos. The combination give me the armor and self-control I feel I need sometimes.

Well, clearly from your email, you’re really struggling in exercising self-control and you’re consistently doing things that the book recommends that you don’t. Then when you do what the book says not to do, that’s why you’re kind of three months down the road and all these dates and she’s just kind of casually dating you, but you’re not exclusive, not super serious, and you’re probably always wondering where you stand with her.

So you got to understand women need time and space away from you to wonder about you, to think about you, to miss you, for their feelings, to develop. If you’re constantly in their face, if you’re constantly texting them, as soon as you drop them off you’re texting them for the next date, they just never have that space. You kind of come off as a little needy, a little feminine and girly, and quite frankly, it’s repulsive to women because oftentimes you’re acting like the girl instead of the man, which ruins the sexual polarity, and it just delays her falling in love.

Women love a guy that’s a challenge, and you’re just not being enough of a challenge. You’re too easy or too available, you’re investing way more into this than she is into you, and that’s why you’re kind of stuck spinning your wheels in the beach sand and not really getting anywhere but expending a lot of energy, emotional and mental energy for that matter.

A few years ago I was in a five-year relationship. A lot of red flags I ignored and difficult situations came up. I was so infatuated with this woman…

So we know that’s his pattern. He tends to get all drunk on his emotions, and he just completely doesn’t pay attention to reality like he’s basically doing now.

…I overlooked so much and went through a lot to have her. Three years ago it ended, and it took a lot of your teachings to help me move on. I stepped away from dating. I focused on my kids and my career. This past summer, I decided to get back out there. I’m 50 years old and I usually meet women 10 years younger than me. After a few “eh” dates, I met a fun woman. We have similar interests and she is as energetic as I am.

Well, I think you’re slightly more energetic, at least when it comes to making effort here. Remember, it’s a scientific fact that women are more attracted to men whose feelings are unclear, and when you’re always constantly over-communicating your interests, then you basically are acting more like a girl than she is.

She is 43 with a 12-year-old boy. Divorced as of two years ago. I planned our first date at a tiki bar that she was excited to experience. Which she made a point of saying that she was impressed with me making the plans for the evening.

I mean, just making dinner plans or reservations and planning the evening out goes a long way with a woman because most guys can’t even fucking do that.

We met there and walked around talking and laughing before we went to the tiki bar. Conversation was flowing, fun atmosphere, and lots of close contact. I walked her back to the car, we both thanked each other for a fun evening. I made a stupid joke about her car that she didn’t get and that immediately put me in nervous state.

So you can tell he’s just completely focused on. “I hope she likes me.” He’s too much attention-seeking behavior. You’re too concerned about what she thinks about you. You should be more focused, like women are, on whether or not you like her and she’s a good person for you or not.

The heat turned on and I went for a quick hug and got out of there! LOL.

So he chickened out on the kiss, but it’s not the end of the world.

I thought I blew it! A little while after I got home, she texted me again saying, “Thank you for a fun evening.” Good sign. I expressed the same and told her I’d love to see her again and to let me know when she is free.

OK, so one date per day. As the book says, just because she texts you an hour later and says she had a good time, that’s not her reaching out. Now, she’s texting the next day or the day after that, you assume she had a really good time and wants to see you, then you make the next date, but here you’re basically the same day making the second date, which the book says not to because you just come off as overeager.

Again remember, you’re trying to give a woman time and space away from you to wonder about you, to think about you, and she never gets that if within an hour of dropping her off, you’re already trying to set up another date. Remember, it’s a scientific fact that women are more attracted to men whose feelings are unclear. So you just made your feelings super clear. It’s just too much, too soon. That’s why you’re three months down the road and wondering why it’s not really progressing.

Jumping ahead to our third/fourth date, I planned two dates back-to-back (I know, I know! C’mon man!)

It’s like, well it’s there laid out in the book because I learned this the hard way, but if you want to try to reinvent the wheel and learn it all over again, whatever dude, that’s it’s your life. Just think about the emotional and mental energy you spend on this woman, wondering about her, thinking about her and how it affects your work during the day. Can you really concentrate on your work? Can you really concentrate on that sales meeting or that interaction with a client when this girl is in the back of your mind and you’re wondering when she’s going to reach out, how it’s going to go, if you’re going to see her again, if you’re going to become boyfriend/girlfriend? That’s the problem when you over-pursue. It puts you in a fearful state and you’re always worried about where you stand. The idea is you’re trying to go slightly slower than she is, and instead you’re going faster.

But she agreed! LOL, we went to have sushi and I brought her a little bucket that happened to be trending on social media.

So on a second date, he’s buying her gifts already. Again, the book says don’t buy gifts unless she’s your girlfriend or you’re married, but again, he’s just kind of dopey and his whole mindset is trying to win her over and like, “Oh, I hope she likes me. I hope she chooses me.” That’s the wrong mindset to have, because when you do that, when you’re like, “What can I do to get this girl to like me?” You are not objective, you will not pay attention to any red flags, and as he mentioned being in the email, he was so focused on his emotions and feelings for her, it completely blinded him to the reality of what she was really like, and it wasn’t until after he was out of the relationship that he realized that he just ignored the red flags. He gets all dopey and drunk on his own emotions and feelings. This is the exact opposite of what the book says to be.

Because of where I work, I had access to such a thing.

I went in for a hug and then a kiss that turned into more kissing. She had joked that was way better then the first date as we continued to kiss.

Well, sounds like she might have been a little disappointed that you didn’t kiss her on the first date.

We laughed and we moved on to the second part of the date.

Now, one of the reasons why he’s still progressing with this girl is because she has high interest. If her interest is mediocre to low, it was like a five on a scale of one to 10, she probably would have just blown him off, ghosted him, or left him on read. Her interest started out higher, so that’s why he’s able to make mistakes and still get away with it, but as you’ll see further down the email, that’s why he’s kind of stuck on limbo land.

The next day was date three and I said that I would pick her up. She agreed and gave me her address, etc. We were going on a kayaking date at the beach, so I had everything set for our adventure. Awesome conversation the whole way and even more kissing as we arrived at the beach. She again commented that she loves the fact that I plan the dates and make it fun. That’s what it’s all about right? Hang out, have fun, and hook up.

Yes, that’s what the book says.

We had a great time and when I took her back home, she invited me in. As we got closer and closer we clicked immediately and things got hot and heavy. I was slowly trying to undress her and she stopped me. She said no nakedness yet and I smiled and held her in my arms. I slowly moved to massaging her, which she loved. It was late, so she ended the night there. I had a big smile on my face…

Remember, two steps forward, one step back. If it’s like two in the morning and you’ve been with her since 12 and you got work the next day, it’s better to call it a night than walk into work the next day like a fucking zombie.

…And I think she took it the wrong way as she said, “I’m so giddy!”

So she could tell you were a little dopey. Women can read it. They see it all over your face when you’re drunk and in love with them.

Maybe she took it as me getting dopey. I kissed her good night and as I got home she sent me a photo of her back saying I missed a spot when I was applying sunscreen on her. I joked and said, “Next time I’ll put it on before you get dressed.” She laughed and gave me a rating for our date. Five for five for the whole date and 4/5 for sunscreen application.

Well, hopefully he’ll do a better job applying sunscreen next time.

I again said when is she free and I would love to see her.

So here he is now. He’s just had two back-to-back dates and on the right after he just had, I guess, would be the fourth date, he’s already trying to set the fifth date an hour later. Again, you’re not following the book, but you can tell he’s overeager. He’s only paying attention to how much he likes her, and he’s completely ignoring her interest in him, which right now he’s getting away with it because her interest is starting out high. It’s early, but again, as you see when we get further down in the email, that’s why he’s in the boat that he’s in.

It was Sunday night and we made a date for the coming Wednesday night. I ended our texting saying she left her hat in my truck and I’ll keep it safe for her. She didn’t reply back, assuming she fell asleep already. I didn’t text her knowing we already had plans. I waited for her to reply as you always say. Two days went by and I reached out (I lost my self-control). I said, “I look forward to seeing your beautiful smile Thursday. How are you?”

So this is where you start to see things go a little sideways.

She replied with, “Good and how are you?” She said, “I took your silence as you losing interest or you getting mad from the other night and I already made plans for Thursday.”

So they supposedly had a date, or at least he thought they had a date, and she just went ahead and made plans and then blamed it on him, even though she didn’t reply to his last message. So that’s what happens. So it looks like she’s super into it, then until she’s not and makes other plans and blows you off. So if you have a date set, I would have been like, “Hey, we made a date. If you didn’t think we were on, why didn’t you text?” But at this point, it just shows that her respect and her attraction for him is plummeting.

Dohhh!! I immediately thought this is a test! I said, “That is definitely not the case and I was just waiting to hear back from you. Being that we spent the whole weekend together.” She said she has not been feeling well and left it at that.

So now she’s blaming, “Oh, I don’t feel well.” Meanwhile, she made other plans, right? So it’s just that she’s giving him an excuse and he’s buying it hook, line and sinker. He’s not noticing that he needs to pump the brakes and that her interest is dropping, and she just blew him off for a date.

I said, “If you’re free tonight, I would love to see you.” (Needy behavior, yuck!) No response.

So she completely ignored him.

Three days went by and I reached out again LOL (Stupid, stupid).

Again, it’s like you’re committing the same mistakes that you committed with the last woman and you’re just not seeing it. At the end of the day, you’re still not exercising self-control. At this point, she’s kind of blowing you off. So you got away initially with setting a bunch of dates and then this most recent one, she just fucking blew you off and made other plans because she her interest was low. She didn’t respect you and she didn’t want to see you.

I brought up a drink we had at the tiki bar. She laughed and I said is she free for a drink? She said thanks but she is not feeling it and she would have to turn down my offer.

So there she is, just fucking outright rejecting him. He’s asking her out again, despite the fact she blew him off and made plans with somebody else, even though he thought they had a date. Yet he’s not paying attention to the disrespect until now.

She said, “I realized I don’t feel a spark,” and the best of luck to me.

She’s like, “Oh, I’m not really feeling it. Best of luck to you.” So when that happens, you stop moving forward. You say, “Hey, well if you change your mind, hit me up.”

I said, “Thank you for your honesty,” and that if she changes her mind to text or call me. “Take care beautiful.” Bummer! I really liked this woman!

Well, you talked, texted and chased her right out of liking you. You did the exact opposite of what the book teaches, even though you’ve been following me for a while, as you say.

A few days later she texted me with two hearts. Assuming that’s her reaction to what I said. I replied with two hearts as well and left it at that.

Well, I wouldn’t have texted anything.

The following week, she sent me a photo of a place like where I work and that she was thinking of me. She went on saying she had done two manly things this morning. I jokingly said, “That sounds like one too many.” She agreed and laughed. I said, “Sounds like you should be rewarded with a nice dinner.”

“Your Highness, can I kiss your ass some more?” No, you didn’t say that part but, “Be rewarded with a nice dinner.” Yeah, he rewards her with a nice dinner after she blew him off and made plans with somebody else, and then told him she wasn’t feeling it but you see how quickly her attraction turns around when he stops moving forward. It’s like two weeks and she makes a 180.

She said, “Wow! I do two manly things and I get a nice dinner?” I said, “It’s just a good excuse to see you for dinner and that we can just call it that.” Enthusiastically she said, “How about tomorrow night?” I said, “I would love that!” I said, “We can meet at this place or I can pick you up.”

Don’t give women a choice. Just say, “I’ll pick you up at seven.”

This is why I say read the book 10 to 15 times, because you miss the little subtle nuances, and you’re stepping all over your own dick trying to make a date, acting dopey, and you’re just not even realizing that.

She said, “Meet where?” I named the place and she said, “You can pick me up.” She said, “You know I can’t resist a planned out evening!” Fast forwarding to now. Three months later and I don’t know, 20 or so more dates, I made a few mistakes here and there…

No, you made a lot of mistakes, dude.

…But luckily her attraction level got me passed them.

Well, if you’re three months in and she hasn’t brought up, “What are we?” And you haven’t met any of her family or friends, you’re just a casual booty call.

We don’t have the labels of boyfriend/girlfriend nor have I met any family or friends yet.

Yeah, because you’re just a booty call to her at this point. This is what happens. Again, this is why the book is laid out the way it is. If you’re going to violate the principles, this is what’s going to happen. You’re ready to put a ring on her finger and she’s just treating you like a booty call while she probably is seeing if she can meet somebody else who’s a little bit more masculine, who stimulates her emotions a little bit more, because you have zero self-control.

I show up the same way and continue to set the dates and hang out and, boy, do we hook up now! I have enough self-control now and exercise it day by day. I wonder when she will ask me these things, but I never bring it up.

Well, at this point she should be doing 95% to 100% of the pursuing. I suspect if you’re continually taking her home and then making another date that very next night, that’s the problem. Your job is to reach out once a week and make one date. Just because she says thank you 20 minutes after you drop her off, doesn’t mean that she’s reaching out and you should set another date, but if she reaches out the next day after your date, the day after that, or a few days after that, then you assume she wants to see you and make the next date. You’re just way too eager.

Again, women need time and space away from you to wonder about you, to think about you, to miss you. For those feelings to develop, it takes time. It takes time away from you, and you’re just not giving her that because you’re so needy and neurotic and he needs so much attention. It’s like you need an attaboy from your mommy.

Even her dad had asked her to bring me to Christmas Eve but she told him to slow down.

So you’re three months in and he’s like, “Hey, bring this guy by Christmas Eve,” and she’s like, “No, no,” again that just tells you you’re not that important to her, dude. You’re just a booty call.

I haven’t even met her son yet. After hearing that, I’m glad it was her dad getting that answer and not me.

Well, that should cause you to kind of back off a little bit. I don’t know how much you’re pursuing, you didn’t say it, but over the next 30 days, I would just start slowly backing off and to the point where, because if you’re like 50/50, well you’re going to elicit platonic feelings in her. If you’re 60/40, with her 60 and you 40, it’s still too much. So you need to just slowly back off over the next several weeks until it gets to the point where she’s doing 95% of the reaching out and be OK with setting a date several days in advance. Stop being in like a mad dash to get in front of her.

Again, dude, it’s just too much too soon. As Thich Nhat Hanh said, “You must love in such a way that the person you love feels free.” You’re smothering this girl and you’re not following the book.

I smiled and laughed, but my question is, should have I capitalized on that opportunity and asked her to tell me more?

No, because she’s not saying, “I want to be in a relationship with you.” She’s telling her dad, “Hey, I’m not there yet.” “Oh well, tell me more about how you’re not there yet.” I mean, that tells you everything you need to know. She’s not that into you, dude.

This is what happens when you only focus on your feelings for the girl and you ignore her lack of interest in you. You admitted you had the same exact problem in your last relationship. So if you don’t get this right, it’s quite possible this girl says she met somebody else, she’s not feeling it, and she wants to give it another try with another guy. You need to get your shit together, dude, because if you keep doing this, that’s what’s going to happen. She’ll meet somebody else who is more masculine and does have his act together, and then she’ll ride off into the sunset with him and you’ll be licking your wounds once again.

Or am I playing it right by practicing infinite patience until she asks me?

Well, you’re clearly not practicing infinite patience. You’re still pursuing too much. This girl knows exactly where she stands with you. She has all the power and leverage because you continually give it to her. If you slowly start backing off over the next month and get to the point where she’s doing 95% of the reaching out, because like I said, if you’re making dates every day after you drop her off and she texts you good night and you think that means it’s time to make the next date, stop that. Don’t ask her out. Don’t ask her out for a few days. Maybe she’ll bring up getting together to see you. The point being is that scarcity creates value, and you’re just way too over abundant. You’re over compensating.

Thank you, Coach! Hopefully this will make it to your video coaching as a good lesson to learn from. My God, your formula really works as long as you have the self-control to navigate through it.

Thank You, 

Bob

Well, you’ve obviously done enough to get this far, but like I said, you’re still in danger zone because you’ve met her dad. You haven’t met her kid yet. She’s keeping you at arm’s length. Her dad mentions, “Hey, bring him by for Christmas Eve,” and she’s like, “Yeah no, dad, don’t tell the booty call to come by for Christmas Eve.” That’s what she basically said.

So you need to slow your roll, dude. You need to exercise self-control and actually read the book, apply it and stop cherry-picking it, because if you read the book and you do the opposite, how is it really going to help you? That’s why you’re three months down the road, and because you’re acting too much like the woman, too much pursuing, too much over validating her, remember again, it’s a scientific fact that women are more attracted to men whose feelings are unclear. You’re way over-communicating your interests. That’s why you’re in this boat.

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen on any page, and book a coaching session with yours truly.

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