Why acting dopey and seeking female validation leads to rejection and heartbreak.
In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a viewer who started acting dopey and seeking the validation of a woman who was too hot for him to handle without falling apart. He started over pursuing and acting desperate out of his fear of losing her and being unworthy to be in her presence.
It’s a great email that shows why most men get rejected by beautiful women because they simply come unglued and can’t handle their beauty and sex appeal. They simply talk and chase good women right out of their lives due to their fear of being unworthy and unlovable. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.
This particular email is a really good email because it just absolutely, perfectly illustrates what happens to the average guy when he goes out on a date with what he considers is a dream woman, a smoke-show, a girl who is a 10/10, or a woman that just knocks his socks off. One of the things that Doc Love’s Dating Dictionary said that like 20, 25 years ago, whatever it was I came across his work was, he said, “A beautiful woman is like Kryptonite to the average man. She has the power to make him totally fall apart.”
That’s what you’re going to see here. This guy basically got three dates in, and he was so into her that he started acting dopey, started pursuing too hard, started putting doubts in her mind instead of being confident and then just like fumbled the football. So now she’s kind of disappearing afterwards. So he writes in, he’s like, “How do I recover?”
This is another reason why you read the book 10-15 times and you apply it. I had a phone session with a guy I was talking to yesterday. He’s been following me for many years. Very successful guy, very wealthy, he’s in Europe. When he gets into a relationship with a girl he really likes, especially this one particular girl that’s now come back into his life, everything in the book goes right out the window, and he reverts right back to his beta male ways.
I had a phone session with him a few years ago, and I think he might have been through the book one time, but because he’s high IQ, he’s very smart, he’s like, “I don’t need to read this thing 15 times. Corey, you don’t understand. I’m a smart guy.” So what happens? He gets a second chance with this girl that he chased out of his life. What does he do? He goes right back to the same behavior. Does the exact opposite of everything that I teach. Of course, what happened? She blew him off once again.
So hopefully I know there will be guys that will watch this and will do the opposite of what this guy said, because this sucks. He sent me a picture of this girl and she’s hot. Her body is just perfect. He couldn’t handle it. Most guys cannot handle being with a beautiful woman. You know, a beautiful woman who’s a little bit of a tyrant or pokes all the soft spots and the chinks in his armor, it’s like total crash and burn on the runway.
I’ve only read your book once (shame on me).
People don’t listen.
I met someone online and fell very hard and very fast for her. She’s the type that comes around 1-2 times a decade (10/10, gorgeous, smart, funny, cool, checked all the right boxes).
Well, as Confucius said, “Success depends on prior preparation, and without said preparation, there is sure to be failure.”
We texted a little bit over the week before meeting in person at a fun place for a date one afternoon. We really hit it off and ended up going for a walk around the city and then getting dinner. Ended with us making out.
So far, so good. Pass the kiss test. First date. No big deal, right? I guess he’s met her online and he meets her in person. He’s like, “Wow, she looks even better in person.”
So obviously, this has always been his problem. So what is really going on in his mindset is he doesn’t feel worthy. We have two primary fears: Fear that we’re not enough. In other words, we don’t have what it takes. The other fear is fear that we won’t be loved.
Obviously in this case, the tape that is playing in his head is, “I don’t deserve a girl.” Even though a girl like this is naturally attracted to him, his mindset has gone, “There’s no way she’s going to choose me. I’m going to get rejected by her, just like all the other girls like this have rejected me in the past.” That’s playing subconsciously in his mind.
So this is why you read the book 10-15 times, so you can be aware of it. You can be aware of your mindset, because if you’re not aware of what’s playing in your head, you’re going to act consistently with how you view yourself to be, even though that view is totally inaccurate. This girl is already predisposed to like him, and so everything he’s doing and saying is starting to talk her out of liking him, and it’s turning her stomach and it’s causing her to go, “I feel kind of queasy about him,” but he did good on the first date.
Like I said, that is his mindset, which you’ll see later it becomes pretty apparent as we go through the email.
Two days later I asked if she was free the following weekend, to which she said she could only meet one night during the week, which I agreed to. We got food and drinks. During that date she asked if she could come over to my place after work on the weekend late at night.
Why do you think that is? “Oh, I want to come over this weekend, late at night, after I get done with work.”
Keep in mind that this girl is a few years younger than me (she’s early 20s), has never been in a relationship, and doesn’t do random hook-ups…
Really? You believe that? “Oh, I don’t want you to think that I do this all the time. I’ve never done this before. I’ve never done this before this year.” There’s always a little bit that’s left out, because women are worried about being labeled a slut, or they’re worried about the girlfriends labeling them as a slut.
Keep in mind, there’s a second date. After your second date, she’s saying, “Oh, want to come over to your house,” late this weekend. “Yeah, I’m coming over so we can do yoga together and exchange cooking recipes.” She’s coming over because she’s ready to, boop boop boop.
…So I was honestly surprised she suggested it.
No, you shouldn’t be. What happens is guys just start applying the book and they don’t plan for the logistics of sex. Like they go on a first date and they’re like, “Oh, there’s no way this girl is going to sleep with me.” Then he’s 45 minutes or an hour away from his place because of where he chose to meet or go on a date or whatever.
That’s why you should always think from the end. As the book lays out, you’ve got to think about these things ahead of time. If you guys get hot and heavy in the car, you want to be like five, 10 minutes away from your place, because if you’re like an hour car ride away, by the time you get back to your place, “Well, I’m kind of tired.” Then she’s out of the mood a little bit, and then it takes time to warm her back up.
Nonetheless, the date went very well and we made-out and held hands throughout the night.
So this is, I guess, the weekend, the Saturday or whatever.
She came over late at night, we talked, ate food, watched a few episodes of a show, and then hooked up.
Oh, I’m so shocked!
Immediately after sex, she started acting distant. This has never happened to me before and I’ve been with a lot of women, so I wasn’t sure how to address it in the moment and decided to just give her space to see how things end up. When she left, it wasn’t awkward or anything, but she was clearly a bit anxious and more distant.
Well, I would ask her, “Hey, you seem a little quiet. You seem a little distant. What’s up? We should have been cuddling. Would love it if you stayed the night, it’d be great. I’d love to wake up with you in my arms.” Who knows? Maybe she just broke up with a boyfriend. Maybe there is a guy that she was absolutely crushed over. Then as soon as she slept with you, maybe it hit her that, “Wow, it’s really over with the ex.” Maybe that’s what she was going through. It’s probably a good chance of that, or maybe you were just really lousy in bed, I don’t know. Did she have any orgasms?
Again, this is your responsibility. Remember her magic button is on the outside of her body. So just remember, there’s got to be plenty of friction between the bodies to get the little hooded bandit. The little Charon. Was it the guy that had the hood on? In Greek mythology that you pay to take you across the River Styx to the to the afterlife? You give them like one or one or two gold coins, I think. I think they used to bury people. They put two gold coins in their eyes, and that was for Charon, if I remember in my Greek mythology class. Pretty interesting.
You know what I’m saying. You got to take care of the little clitoral eye that’s on the outside of the body, and it requires friction and movement. Just remember that, but be gentle.
I barely heard from her over the next few days (previously would always be the first to text). I asked her a few days later how she was feeling about the other night…
Bro, I would have texted her and said, “Hey you. The other night was wonderful. I’d love to see you again. When are you free to get together? I want to see your face.” So when you ask a question like that, it doesn’t elicit a positive response. You’re presupposing something is bad or wrong. “Hey, how do you feel about the other night?” How would you say that?
…And she said she got concerned about how fast we were moving…
Because you were over-pursuing her. That’s what happened.
…And that she realized she wasn’t ready.
This is normal. This is like the kitty cat thing. So now you’re throwing another monkey wrench unnecessarily because your mindset is, “Oh, there’s no way this girl is going to like me,” and you’re starting to talk her out of liking you, but you just have to understand she’s just like a cat. Cat was like, “I don’t know about this. This is feeling like a relationship,” because you did like, three dates in one week and then hooked up. Now you’re sending a text response that elicits something, causing her to question what happened the other night.
Normally, I would never meet someone three times within the first week, but I let my infatuation with her get the best of me and agreed to meeting multiple times soon after the first date when she suggested it.
Well, this is totally natural. This is what the book prepares you for. When you only read it once instead of 10-15 times, and then you get infatuated and overwhelmed by your feelings, it’s like you don’t know the book well enough to do the right thing. So instead, you revert right back to the same behavior that always got you rejected in the past. Calling too much, texting too much, talking too much on the phone, arranging way too many dates within a short period of time, because deep down, you’re afraid she’s not going to want to stick around after a period of time. So you’re starting to chase her out of your life at this point.
Looking back, I wish I had pushed back, but also when someone asks to come over it’s a pretty good sign and hard to say no.
There’s nothing wrong with inviting her over when she suggests it, because it’s her idea. You’ve just got to understand, because you haven’t been through this before with a girl you really like, this is a natural thing. It’s a natural thing for a woman to be hot and all over you. Especially if you went on three dates in the first week, this is totally an expected response. This is not surprising at all.
This is why, ideally, you just start out one date a week and only you do more dates if she suggests it, that’s all, but he called two days later, which is fine. She says, “I can’t see you this weekend, but how about during the week?” Because she had plans in the weekend, and then she comes over and sleeps with him on the weekend. So it was a lot.
So it’s normal for the kitty cat to take off and run around the neighborhood, go back to home base or whatever, and get a little scared. That’s totally normal. You pursue too much, women back off, you match and mirror that.
Do you think I should have offered the following weekend instead to create more time/space…
No, she suggested it, dude. You’re OK. The problem was, after the fact, you noticed that she was a little distant after the sex and you said, “Hey, what’s going on? You’re a little quiet. By the way, that was wonderful. Loved it. It was great sex. Your body is amazing. You look beautiful. I think we should just sleep naked together and wake up in each other’s arms and have morning sex. Then maybe if you’re a good girl, I might even make you breakfast in bed. Or I might let you make me breakfast in bed.”
…Grow attraction more, and let her feelings develop more naturally?
Again, I said no, just because she suggested it. It’s OK when she suggests it, because the idea is you’re trying to go at her pace, not faster than her pace, but at her pace, or slightly slower than her pace, but it’s OK. This is not the end of the world.
It’s been a few days since we last texted about her realizing she’s not ready.
Remember when she says, “I’m not ready?” It’s just indicative of how she feels in the moment. That changes like the weather report changes. So don’t get bothered, don’t get upset, don’t get perturbed. It’s totally natural. It’s not a big deal. This is just the way women are. You’re full of fear because you only read the book once, and you’re not recognizing the pattern that is clearly laid out in the book. It clearly tells you to expect this, but if you read it once, you get maybe seven to 8% committed to memory, and out of a 250-page book, that’s what, 20-30 pages at the most?
She also told me she needed space and didn’t want to waste my time…
So what I would do is I would wait two full weeks to contact her again in hopes that her feelings start to return and she reaches out. It’s also possible she had a break-up and the ex is still in the picture. That’s why you cannot over pursue. Especially in the beginning.
…I said I’m crushed to hear that but I will give her space (I regret phrasing it like this).
Well, she said she needs space. Actually, I wouldn’t contact her at all. I would just let her be, because when a woman needs space, what that means is she feels like you’re smothering her and you’re treating her like a girlfriend already. It was way too much, too soon in one week. So if she says, “Hey, I need space.” “Well, call me when you feel ready.” That’s how you have to respond, but she’s already said, “I need space,” because she feels like he’s smothering her, because he over-pursued and he was acting a little needy.
Just wait to hear from her, but you might not hear from her for a while, especially if there’s an ex. She might end up getting back together with the guy or giving him another chance. She might show up six months from now. You just don’t know.
Anyways, I will not be contacting her for a long while, if ever…
I wouldn’t contact her at all because she said, “I need space,” so give her the space.
…And was wondering your experience/thoughts on this type of situation where both parties are extremely into each other and something like this happens and it ends.
Well, it’s not so much as an end, it’s just a pause because you over-pursued. Who knows? Maybe you were acting really dopey on the dates and really soft and she treated like a doormat or pushed you around, I don’t know. If you only read the book once, you probably made a lot of other mistakes that you’re not even aware of.
Read the fucking book, dude. Get prepared. This type of woman doesn’t come along very often and you’re not prepared and you fuck it up. That stings. It’s not fun trying to get over that.
If it was an actual ex I would never reach out again, but this was so short-lived, and I don’t think I did anything totally wrong.
Well, you over-pursued.
I could see myself reaching out to her in 4-6 months to see if she’d be open to going on a date, assuming the timing could be right. Thoughts?
Well, she said she needs space, so I’d give her space. I wouldn’t contact or call her for any reason because she’s basically pushed you away now. The cat is basically standing on your fence about to jump over, and it’s like “See you later, I need some space.” “All right, babe, you’ll be back.”
Ultimately, I think the whole situation could’ve been avoided if we had three dates over the first three weeks/month and then had sex.
Well, you made it weird and kind of awkward.
Same amount of time spent together but much more time apart to grow her attraction and feelings.
At the end of the day, if it was me and I was in this situation and she’s laying in bed and she’s a little quiet, I would be like, “Hey, you’re a little quiet. What’s up? What’s on your mind?” Then you just get her to talk and you open her up.
Remember, when a woman feels heard and understood, the legs open and she’s like, “Oh, I feel like we’re going too fast.” “Well, what do you mean? Why would you say that?” “Well, I just met you and we’re already having sex in the first week.” “Isn’t it wonderful? Isn’t it wonderful how well we connect? It’s beautiful. This doesn’t happen every day. This is special, what we have. So I think this is exciting. I’m excited to see what happens. What else? Honey, tell me more,” and get her to talk.
Get her to open up. Then when she talks and she shares where she’s coming from and you acknowledge her feelings, she’ll feel comfortable. Then you’ll probably have another session of the indoor Olympics. Because you’re a rookie and you only read the book once, it’s like, “Does not compute, does not compute. I did not get all the software downloads.”
We’ve got to do the robot. Why not?
Thanks and love your channel brother (pic of the girl below – might not look like it here but she’s extremely wholesome).
Well, she’s extremely well rounded and shaped very nicely, but all this crap about, “Oh, she’s so innocent. I never done this before.” Whatever, dude, you’re just the latest guy. Doesn’t mean she’s got a body count of 100, but you’re not the first one that she’s done this with.
This is totally natural. This is totally to be expected, but you weren’t prepared because you didn’t read the book, and so you didn’t know how to respond. Even though you fumbled the football a little bit, I suspect because you already said she was reaching out all the time, that more than likely in a few days or a week or two, you’ll probably hear from her again. Unless there’s an ex in the picture that she maybe spent a couple of years with.
Because a lot of girls, one of the first things they do when they have a break-up is they go right on the dating apps to find somebody new, because they know that’s the best medicine to help you get over somebody. Again, you over-pursued, you did too much too soon, but it was really her idea. How you handle things and how you communicate it, you were just not prepared to open her up because you didn’t really know what to look for. So it’s not a big deal, but you need to learn the book.
When she does reach out, don’t go, “Oh, we need to talk about what happened the other night.” “Hey, it’s so great to hear from you. I’d love to see you. I want to see your face. When are you available?” Then go take her out. Same thing. Hang out. Have fun. Hook up. It’s a simple formula. Hang out. Have fun. Hook up.
Don’t drag. Don’t go back to the emotions, “Let’s talk about what you were feeling the other night. You felt kind of bad.” No. Just be excited to hear from her, because women are like, “I need space.” Then you give them space and then, “Heyyy.” You might only be a few days before you hear from her again. It might be a week or two. It might be six months. You just don’t know. If you don’t hear from her for a while, there’s probably another dude in the background and that’s it.
So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly. Until next time, I will talk to you soon.
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