Acting Needy, Neurotic & Picking Fights Leads To Rejection

Why acting needy, neurotic & picking fights leads to rejection & what to do instead.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a viewer in Canada who met a girl from his home country of India. They met in person after six months and hooked up. After he came back to Canada, he started acting needy, neurotic and constantly picked fights due to his own insecurities. Eventually she dumped him.

He wonders if she will come back. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

This particular email is from a guy who lives in Canada. He’s originally from India and he started talking to a girl, I guess he met her online, who lived back home in his home country of India. After about six months he went to visit, they hung out, they had fun, they hooked up, but after he came back, he started acting needy, neurotic, insecure. He was picking fights with her, constantly getting upset and butt-hurt over things that she said she was going to do. Then she didn’t actually do it or do it in a timely manner to his satisfaction. So after a while, she eventually broke it off, and now he’s like, “Is she going to come back?”

This is a good email that just shows the negative effect that it has on women. When you’re constantly getting upset with them, you’re constantly taking things personally, you’re constantly getting butt-hurt, it causes the girl to feel like she’s walking on eggshells. As I’ve said many times over the years, whatever you make a woman feel when she’s with you is what she’s going to associate with being with you. In this case, every time she reaches out or they talk, he’s getting mad or he’s getting upset about something instead of it being fun, romantic, a nice escape from her boring and dull life, instead he’s given her shit and he’s always dissatisfied with something. So this is the kind of thing that makes a woman say, “It’s like, no matter what I do, I couldn’t make you happy. You’re always upset,” and when he’s constantly losing his shit over little things, he’s not being calm. Masculinity is calm. So he’s just not going to make women feel safe when he constantly behaves this way because the reality is you could be the best boyfriend in the world, but if you’re with a low character woman, she’ll still probably cheat on you given the right set of circumstances or when you slip up sometimes. The idea is you want to find that out as quickly as possible, but when you act the way this guy does, you’re going to drive every girl away just because you’re not centered, you’re not calm, you’re neurotic, you kind of act like a lunatic, which is basically what he did.

It’s a good email that just illustrates how unattractive this behavior is. You shouldn’t be getting butt-hurt, diminished or upset at the things a woman does. Now, it doesn’t mean you act like a doormat and you let her jerk you around and treat you like shit, but when you’re constantly blowing your top and getting upset or getting offended because she didn’t send a picture as quickly as you wanted to or she forgot to send it, he gets mad, he gets upset, you’re just going to literally push a woman away. Actually, you’ll push all women away when you act this.

Viewer Email:

Hi Corey,

Last year, I started talking to a girl from India—My home country—while I was living in Canada. We really connected despite the distance, and after about six months, I visited her. Being together in person was amazing. She initiated the physical intimacy, and I could tell she was really into me.

However, throughout our relationship, I made the mistake of picking fights over small things.

Well, as I discussed in 3% Man, men who understand women don’t argue with them, and his fights were usually because he’s taken something personally. It’s like he takes everything as a slight. He’s like one of those guys that seems to go through life just looking for reasons to get offended, and that’s the opposite of what a confident guy is going to do.

For example, I would get upset when she didn’t send me a photo or when she seemed distant.

So he gets angry when she’s distant instead of recognizing or asking himself, “Well, did I do something that’s unattractive? Did I say something that pushed her away that caused her to be distant?” Because oftentimes women will say or do things and will say, “Hey, I’ll call you tonight,” or “I’ll call you tomorrow,” and then they won’t. Sometimes on purpose, sometimes just because they’re not feeling it, and when those things happen, you can’t get upset, you can’t get butt-hurt. You just let it be. Water under the bridge. Like Bruce Lee said, “Be water.”

She’d usually apologize and try to make things right, but I kept repeating the same behavior. After I came back to Canada, I overreacted when she mentioned a celebrity crush and another guy she used to talk to who was still on her Instagram.

Well the idea is not to blow your top, but if you’re considering becoming exclusive with somebody and she’s talking about other guys or she’s still connected to and talking to guys that she used to date, if she’s wanting to be exclusive, you should focus from the perspective of, “Well, I’m willing to entertain being exclusive with you, but I’m not going to be exclusive with somebody that’s still constantly in contact with and hangs out with her ex-boyfriends or her beta male orbiters, guys that are stuck in friend-zone that really want to date her and pretend to be OK with friendship when they’re really just hoping to get a chance to get in her pants.”

So when you do it from that perspective, she has to earn you by cleaning up her behavior and doing things that show that she’s going to be loyal and committed only to you, because a woman who wants to stay in constant contact and hang out with her exes and is always giving out her number to new men that she meets despite the fact she’s in a relationship, is a woman who’s just basically behaving like she’s a free agent and is accumulating fans and backup plans with men in case it doesn’t work out with you. Those are not the kind of behaviors that you want to see.

If she’s wanting you to be exclusive with her, she has to show through her actions that she only wants to be with you and the exes are dudes she’s going to keep at arm’s length. She’s not going to go and have dinner at 9:00 at night with her boss, or go hang out and have drinks one-on-one with the single male co-worker that slept with half the girls in the office. Women that are loyal and family-oriented are just not going to put themselves in those situations because they wouldn’t want somebody to see them out in public that knows them and have it get back to their significant other, and they want to present to the world that they’re loyal, they’re exclusive and they’re never going to do anything that’s going to jeopardize the most important relationship in the world, which is the relationship with their significant other. Other women of low character aren’t going to think of these things. They’re going to say that, “Oh, you’re being controlling,” or they’ll be kind of naive or seem like they’re naive, that it’s OK to constantly give out your phone number to other men when you’re supposedly in a relationship with your boyfriend.

Then, around my birthday in February, I asked her to send a specific photo. When she said she didn’t feel like it, I got upset again.

So that tells me at that point, he’s chasing, he’s pursuing, he’s trying to get her attention and validation, and he’s not noticed that her interest and her enthusiasm level for him has dropped significantly when she behaves that way or says, “Yeah, I don’t feel like it.” It just shows that he’s really not that important to her. So if he’s getting upset, mad and angry, well he’s clearly afraid. Fear that he’s not going to be loved. Fear that he’s going to lose her. Probably because he can tell she’s not as into him as she used to be, because of the fact that he’s constantly getting upset with her and constantly picking fights. It’s like every time she talks to him on video or through message, he’s getting mad. So her takeaway is always a negative vibe, a vibe that brings her down, a vibe that doesn’t make her feel joy, full, happy and beautiful. It makes her feel like she did something wrong. She can never do anything right, and she’s always feels like she’s walking on eggshells because no matter what she does, she seems to upset this guy.

This is just a bad way to go, especially if you’re trying to vet women and you’re blowing your top like this. Especially acting like you don’t trust her and you’re with somebody who is untrustworthy. They’ll become better at hiding it and it will take you longer to figure out if they’re a good person or not.

She promised to not repeat it and did it again.

Sometimes women will do that. They’ll purposely do it when you’ve already gotten upset because they know you get upset again to see if you lose your shit, because what’s happened is she found a chink in your armor. She found your buttons to push that caused you to lose your shit, and women like your strength. They want to be able to do these things and have it not bother you or tell you, “Oh, I’ll send you that photo tonight,” and then they send it a day later or two days later or whatever it happens to be.

You just can’t get upset at these things. You just got to assume, “Well, she’s busy. Maybe she’s got other things, or maybe she’s not super into me. Maybe I acted like a jackass last time we did a video date and kind of turned her off, so she might just be trolling me to see if I get butt-hurt and I get upset.” So that’s why it’s important not to do anything, not to get better and to just see what she does, to give her the space to do those things or not.

I told her I didn’t trust her and accused her of lying. I apologized a few days later, but also blamed her for not trying to fix things. She said she was too hurt and didn’t want to continue, but after a couple of weeks of me reaching out, she gave it another chance.

So he continued to chase and continued to pursue after she blew him off and said she didn’t want to continue. Maybe he cleaned up his behavior for a short period of time.

Things started getting better, but by the end of February, she said she didn’t feel positive about the relationship anymore. I tried to stay calm and patient, hoping things would improve. She told me not to take her words seriously— That she says things without meaning them.

I did a video a few years ago at Doctor D.’s office with Caroline, and she was talking about as a woman that we never mean anything we say because it’s based upon the emotions, how they’re feeling in the moment. Oftentimes, they’ll say things to see how the man reacts and if he reacts the right way, they get excited, they get turned on, and if he doesn’t and he blows his top, they’re going to get turned off, they’re going to dry her up and they’re not going to be excited about you.

I gave her space but stayed available.

In March, our communication became inconsistent. Sometimes she would call, sometimes I would.

Well, by that point in the relationship, she should have been doing most of the calling, texting and pursuing. I’m assuming he probably came across my work when things were not going well. So he probably implemented some things that were in the book or in the videos, but he didn’t really take the time to learn it. So he was inconsistent. Also he just probably couldn’t hold out long enough or wait a couple days if he didn’t hear from her because he would start freaking out because again, he acts needy, he acts insecure. Typically this happens when you don’t get enough “I love you’s” and strokes from mommy and daddy. When you’re a kid, you grow up feeling like you’re unloved and you’re unlovable, so you try to make up for it by trying to force yourself and force your interactions with the women that you like, which again is the opposite of a guy who’s confident.

A guy who’s confident is totally indifferent. He’s not bothered. If she says, “Oh, I’ll call you later” or “I’ll send you that picture later,” and she doesn’t, you just can’t get bothered by that. You can’t. It’s just water. It’s like water rolling off the back of a duck’s back, if you will.

Toward the end of the month, she began expressing that she missed me. One day, after a short call, she didn’t pick up when I called back.

Again, if women know that you get upset when they do these things, they’ll do it more often to see if you get upset because they’re trying to see if you got your shit together, and he clearly does not.

The next day, I messaged her…

So he didn’t wait for her to call back. He got upset to tell her that he was mad, basically.

…Saying that her lack of communication felt disrespectful. She called me, apologized and explained her family situation. Then she said the distance was too much, and she wanted to end things.

So this is the part where “women are like cats” comes into play. So this is very, very common. Pretty much all women will do this. They’ll say they’re going to do something and then not do it either on purpose or just that they’re lackadaisical or scatterbrained or whatever. Then they do it the next day.

You got to be totally indifferent to that, but in his case, he was not. He got upset and instead of waiting for her to do what she said she was going to do, he called her to browbeat her, which again, he’s upset, he’s telling her it’s disrespectful, but the reason she’s doing it is because her attraction is low, her respect is low, and she’s avoiding interacting with him because every time she interacts with him, it’s an unpleasant experience. She doesn’t walk away from it feeling good. She walks away from it feeling like once again, just her being her has upset this guy. He pretty much tends to get upset constantly of things she does or doesn’t do. After a while she feels like, “No matter what I do, you’re going to get upset with me.”

Now I’m wondering, did she emotionally move on when we first broke up in February and just tried again out of guilt or comfort?

Well, what I would say happened was that her interest dropped in February and you didn’t really notice it. You just assumed since she re-engaged with you and gave you another chance that everything was fine, but the reality is, when you look at her actions, her interest was still low. She was willing to give you the benefit of the doubt and see how she felt and see if her feelings changed or got better. Of course, your behavior never changed. You continued to get upset. Maybe not as much as you had before, but you’re still getting pissed off and butt-hurt over these little things that, quite frankly, shouldn’t be an issue.

When women do things we don’t expect, or they say they’re going to do something and they don’t do it or it’s delayed, like that is so common. They all do that. Don’t fucking take it personally, because if you get butt-hurt and you get mad and you don’t wait for them to do what they say they’re going to do, then what you’re doing is causing their attraction for you and their respect for you to drop even more, and they’ll become even more distant.

Or did I push her away again during our second chance?

Well, you certainly pushed her away. It looked like her interest went back up and that’s why she gave you a second chance, because you kind of cleaned up your behavior for a short period of time. Then once you were kind of back together, you just basically started doing the same shit all over again. So yes, you didn’t clean up your behavior and you did the same things, so you turned her off for exactly the same reasons.

If you don’t learn to exercise self-control and stop blowing your top and acting unattractive like this, every single woman you date going forward is going to get turned off for exactly the same reasons. This girl clearly liked him, she clearly wanted to be with him, but he kept blowing his top and kept getting upset.

Masculinity is calm. Feminine energy is chaos. So what he’s basically acting is acting like a chaotic woman, and that ruins the sexual polarity. She’s not going to respect you or feel attraction for you when you’re like a chick that’s constantly losing your shit. Plus, she’s never going to know, are you going to be in a good mood? Are you going to be happy to hear from her? Or are you going to be a dick to her because you’re pissed off about something she did or didn’t do?

It’s been three weeks since we last talked. She hasn’t blocked me, but she did remove me from her socials back in February. I’m unsure if I should reach out or just let it go. Do you think it was just the distance, or did she lose attraction?

It was that she lost attraction, because if it was the distance you would have never met her anyways, but the fact you talked for six months before you went to see her and things progressed from there, it’s like once your emotions became engaged and you started caring, you started losing your shit a lot. So you drove her respect and her attraction to you down into the gutter.

She was really attracted to me. She was impressed by my physique, looks and she thought of me as a playboy who could get any girl he wants. Our sex was amazing too when we met. I went on for hours. 

I am just not sure how she could lose attraction but then it is still possible. Let me know whats best to do.

Bob

Well, you got to read the book. It’s free to read in the Members Area of the website. You’re probably trying to cherry pick videos for the magic pick-up line or the magic fix-it-all. You have to change your behavior, because the way you’re acting is not how a man is going to act. You’re acting like an emotionally irrational chick. You’re acting needy. You’re acting neurotic. You’re easily offended. You’re easily butt-hurt. You constantly take things personally. It’s like you’re walking around with a broomstick stuck up your ass. You’re not fun. You’re not loose. You’re not jovial. You’re not a jokester. You just take everything personally. Everything that she does tends to upset you and you got to get past that, but again, you’re going to have to read the book and learn all the different things that you’re exhibiting that are turning her off, because you got to clean that behavior up, because if you don’t, you’re going to continue to turn off every girl going forward that likes you. You’ll talk all women out of liking you, dating you and sleeping with you despite your good looks and despite your physique. So you got to clean up your behavior.

At this point, I wouldn’t do anything. Maybe she reaches out, maybe she doesn’t, but stay in no-contact. If you do hear from her, just follow what’s in 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back and you guys should probably get together in person and see each other. I would say you should definitely go to see her, because you are the one that that turned her off. Plus, if she’s from India, her parents are probably conservative and they’re probably not going to let her hop on a plane and fly halfway around the world to be with you because again, Indian society is way more conservative than American society tends to be.

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen on any page, and book a coaching session with yours truly. Until next time, I will talk to you soon.