Actions Speak Louder Than Words

Here’s a recent email I got from a newsletter reader. The girl he likes is jerking him around and giving him mixed signals.

Hi Coach,

So I’m going to try and keep this to two paragraphs. I need advice from an expert. I’m really into this girl. She’s a virgin and has never been in a relationship. She’s 20, and I’m 23. Basically, every time we hang out, there is some sort of weird occurrence. For example, we went to the Bulls game, and she was wearing the same thing I was. We went to see Tron with a group of friends, and we had to sit in assigned seats, and ours were separated from the group, but together. Something like divine intervention. Anyway, we’ve made out before at a party, and I’ve stayed at her place a few times. Then I asked her out on a date after we had hung out a few times with friends, and she said yes at first, but then the day of, she told me that she was feeling weird about dinner. She said I’m obviously attractive, I’m an amazing person and she keeps trying to convince herself that she likes me, but she “doesn’t feel it.” However, she still wanted to go out to dinner just the next week. So a week later, she invited me to dinner and to see Tron with friends. We were laughing, and she was giving me all the signs that she was interested, (eye contact, laughing, slapping my knee). Afterwards, I brought up that the original was playing in the city, and she automatically assumed I was asking her out. She said she would definitely want to see it after she went to some birthday dinner. The next day, she texted me telling me that reservations got messed up, and she didn’t know if she was going to be able to make it. I informed her it was the next night, and she told me she had to work until closing afterwards. I told her my sister purchased the movie, so we could just watch it afterwards and hang out, and she said that we should do that after she gets home from visiting her parents for the holiday. I’ve never had so much in common with someone and been so comfortable around someone. You have to help me! Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

I also need to add, I just started reading your book. I forgot to mention, I’ve been talking to this woman for about a little over a month now, and we have hung out about six times, but it has always been with friends. And when I say that she cancels on me the day of or something, she always suggests that we reschedule. It’s never like she doesn’t suggest moving it to a later date. I realize from reading your book, that I was trying to make it happen on that day still, instead of saying, well then we should just reschedule. Also, this girl always compliments me when we are with each other. She always has strong eye contact, and always laughs at my jokes and touches me in some way, so I guess she’s at a 71% interest level. I’m not quite finished with the book yet, but reading as far as I have now has really helped. I guess what I’m asking for is advice on how to make her comfortable and interested enough to ditch the friends, but I guess I just need help learning how to raise the interest level and anticipation and work on being patient, calm confident and collected.

Sorry about the length,

Tom

Here’s my response to his email:

Dear Tom,

Thanks for your email. Great questions! As I mention in my book, you always want to underrate a woman’s interest level in you. You also want to look at what a woman does, not what she says. She says you are attractive, but she keeps making excuses and letting other people get in between you two. I know you really like this girl, but you are projecting your own high interest level onto her, and ignoring and rationalizing away that fact she is not making it easy for the two of you to get together and have a date. She may find you attractive, but as she says, she “doesn’t feel it.” It could also be that you are too eager with her and not enough of a challenge. I would estimate her interest level in the low 50’s. Not the 71% you think it is. It may have been that high when you both met, but it’s not there now.

You must understand that, when a woman has high interest level in you, she makes it easy for you to see her. The facts are, she makes more excuses than she makes time to see you. Most guys talk women right out of liking them. A woman wants a guy who is a challenge, not a guy who is waiting by the phone for her call and all too eager to jump through hoops to see her. Let’s assume that she really does like you and was not just drunk when you two kissed. The only thing you can do at this point is stop moving forward. When a woman likes you and you stop moving forward, she will feel it, and it will cause her interest level to go up. If she does not, she will simply let you walk away. You also may have been acting like a friend at first and then tried to move it to a romantic relationship in an awkward way.

Dating someone means you go out on a date with her and you only. She keeps trying to do things with a group of people. I would stop calling and texting her to try to get her to do anything. Then wait and see if she calls or texts you. If she does contact you, set up a definite date at least a week out, and see if she keeps it, (no calling to verify, etc.). If she does, great. If not, then forget about her. Think of it this way. What if during the holidays you randomly met a really hot chick that you liked and who liked you, everything clicked, and you have been spending time with the new girl. You would not care or even think about this other flaky girl, because the new one would be calling and pursuing you. You need to act like a guy who is successful with women. A guy who has lots of options. Get busy meeting and dating other women. If this chick really likes you, she will get in touch with you when she does not hear from you.

Corey