How becoming addicted to anything in life, such as drugs, alcohol, sex, junk food, porn, exercise, etc., is really the result of our desire to avoid feeling things that are uncomfortable or unpleasant.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a viewer who says his addiction to marijuana and porn has ruined his alpha male drive, sex life and his ability to perform in bed. He is now in his fourth year of college, and he has not had many sexual experiences while in college like he did when he was in high school. He says when he was in high school, he did very well with women and did the things I teach in my book naturally and intuitively. He feels he has lost his confidence with women, his ability to get what he wants in life and to create the life and lifestyle he really wants. He says so far, he has gone eight days without porn or marijuana. He asks my opinion on what he can do to get his mojo back. My comments are in (bold parenthesis like this below) in the body of his email:
Hi, I am a university senior. To make a long story short, in high school I intuitively exhibited the traits you talk about in your videos. I was driven, passionate and confident in life, and as a result I hooked up with a lot of girls. (You’ve had success in the past with women. It’s just like riding a bike. You did not forget that, but if you’re smoking weed all the time and watching porn, you’re avoiding interacting with women totally. You’re checked out. However, you should experience all of your emotions, because what you resist will persist. If you don’t deal with bad emotions, the energy will get stored as muscle tension in your nervous system. Even if you have to spend all day crying and experiencing the feelings, you’ve got to feel it to heal it.) I knew instinctively not to care about what they thought of me, and derived my confidence from my belief in myself. However, I began to become addicted to internet porn and marijuana, which ruined me. (You’re not ruined dude. There’s nothing wrong with you. You’ve just made some choices in your belief system and the story you tell yourself. This is your excuse to keep smoking weed and watching porn.) The porn made me develop stupid fantasies of what I wanted from sex, which caused me to not get fully hard erections during sex. (Don’t touch your dick for a few days. Leave it alone. When you’re having sex a lot, your dick loses sensitivity. You should follow the instructions in my article and video, “How Men Can Have Multiple Orgasms,” and just choke the chicken two or three times a week, so if you do go out and meet a girl, you can both have a great experience. Your body and your life is out of whack and out of balance, so you need to get back to the way you were.) This killed my confidence and took away my drive with women, because I didn’t feel I could satisfy them. (This is part of the story you told yourself.) Marijuana made me lazy, more stupid and less motivated in my life. I had a friend at the time who was also very much like me, and since I lost my “alpha-ness,” we have drifted. (Your friend was successful and continued being that way, and you went down a different path. More than likely, if you were smoking weed all the time, you weren’t interacting with other human beings, because you were sitting around being lazy. But you still felt horny, so to fill that gap, you started watching porn.)
I’m now in my fourth year, and I’ve barely hooked up with any girls in college. I’m still motivated to pursue my career, and I’m trying hard everyday to not give in to the porn or marijuana. (The only reason somebody is looking at porn is because they’re just not satisfied in their life. You went from being successful, to smoking weed. Then smoking weed made you check out, and because you were smoking it every single day, all of those icky feelings built up inside you. Therefore, you didn’t feel comfortable interacting with women. However once you experience all of those icky feelings, they dissolve and go away. Then you’ll feel comfortable with women again. You already know how to do this, because you’ve been successful with women. Right now, you need to deal with the crap that doesn’t feel good. Maybe you should talk to a professional therapist. You need to be authentically present with your feelings, and express them to yourself.) I’ve gone 8 days without either so far. However, I don’t know how to get things going again with women. (That is total bullshit. This is the story you tell yourself. Why? Because you are fearful. Human beings have two primary fears: 1) Fear that we’re not enough, in other words we don’t have what it takes, or 2) Fear that we won’t be loved and accepted by our friends, family, peer group or women we want to like us. You have to get out there and start interacting with women. It might take you two or three weeks of not smoking weed before you get to the point of feeling normal again. Focus on going to the gym, taking care of yourself and getting refocused, and when you feel those crappy feelings, be authentic with yourself.) Even the one girl who used to be obsessed with me and would hook up with me is now starting to give me the cold shoulder. (You shouldn’t be pursuing her. You need to read my book 10-15 times. If a girl is giving you the cold shoulder, then you just say, “Give me a call when you want to get together,” and you don’t call or text her until you hear from her again. When a woman is losing interest or becoming bored, you have to back away. Otherwise, you’re going to turn her off to the point where she completely loses all respect and interest in you.)
My question is: What are some things I can do to ensure I don’t give in to my addictions, and how do I re-spark my love life from a position where I don’t have anything going? (It’s going to take you a few weeks to detox emotionally and chemically. Once those icky emotions have been experienced, felt and dissolved, and the chemicals are out of your body, you will feel better. Working out, doing cardio and eating a really healthy, alkaline based diet will help you detox quicker. Watch my video, “Improving Your Social Skills,” and start taking baby steps by making eye contact and saying hello to women while you’re detoxing your body, so you can get into the habit of rekindling your social life. Don’t smoke any weed or watch any porn for the next thirty days, take care of you, take care of your body, get refocused on your studies, go to the gym, and take care of yourself. When you do encounter a woman, just say hello and take the pressure off asking them out while you’re detoxing your body. Once you start to feel normal again, then take further steps, as I teach in my book and in the video “Improving Your Social Skills.” Once the chemicals are out of your body and no longer have a negative influence on you, that shit will come right back to you dude.)
Thank you so much for what you do. In a world that now seems obsessed with empowering women and emasculating men, its nice to find someone supporting men.
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From my heart to yours,
Author, Speaker, Peak Performance Coach, Entrepreneur
“The root cause of addiction to anything in life is a direct result of our desire to avoid feeling things that are unpleasant or uncomfortable. Consuming drugs, alcohol, junk food, excessive exercise, sex, watching TV, porn, etc., changes our state and what we are feeling. If something does not feel good, we often will do something to change our state, which makes us feel better. However, what you resist in life will persist, but what you look at and experience will disappear and dissolve. It’s always a good rule of thumb to try and be healthy and balanced at least 80% of the time. Anything that is done to excess will create dis-ease and imbalances in our lives. It’s nice to unplug every now and then, but unplugging on a daily basis to avoid feeling something is not healthy and has a negative effect on the quality of our lives. We must feel, be authentically present with and fully experience our pain, icky feelings and emotions without judgment, in order to heal, dissolve and transcend them.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne
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