After 3 Dates She Still Doesn’t Reach Out First. Should I Go No Contact?

How to know if you should go no contact if she hasn’t reached out first after 3 dates.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a viewer who has been on 3 dates with a woman he says never initiates contact. He gives a summary of what happened on each of their 3 dates. He says he’s thinking about never contacting her again to see if she reaches out to him first and asks my opinion. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

Hi, I’m Coach Corey Wayne, and this is my Video Coaching Newsletter. And the topic of today’s Members Only Newsletter is, “After 3 Dates She Still Doesn’t Reach Out First. Should I Go No Contact?”

Well, as the book says, the way it’s laid out is typically with most women in the West, they typically are going to sleep with a guy by the second or the third date. And usually after that happens, women are going to start reaching out to you within a few days of your last date. They might send you a meme. They might say, “Heyyy”, they might say, “thanks again for the great time the other night.” They might say, “hey, I was watching a movie and one of the main characters had a blue shirt like yours, and it reminded me of you, so I reached out.”

That’s the kind of stuff that you’ll get. And then the woman’s reaching out to you. And then when that happens, you assume she wants to see you because she doesn’t want to wait a full week to hear from you. Because if you’re following the book, you’re just taking measured steps, and you’re initiating contact one day per week, and you just keep doing that. And typically, after you’ve slept with her, that’s usually when she’ll start reaching out if her interest is really high starting out, she might start reaching out within a day or two after your first date.

And that makes it really easy to kind of back off a little bit and just wait to hear from her and make the next date. So this particular guy, he’s been on three dates and he says the dates go well, but the woman never has reached out once, and now he’s thinking, “well, she hasn’t reached out once after three dates, so I’m just going to go no contact and see if she reaches out or she’ll just dip.” So he gives a synopsis of what he did on each of their three dates, and he’s got some questions.

So let’s go through them.

Viewer Email:

Hi Corey,

I’ve been applying your principles and would love your take on a recent 3-date situation so I can calibrate my approach. Quick context about me. I’ve been intentional about leading, keeping it fun/playful, and not over-watering. My goal, a healthy long term relationship with mutual effort, no chasing. Here are dates summaries with the same woman.

Date number one. We had sushi plus great vibe. I led and set plans, light teasing, flirting, and a goodnight kiss. She was receptive and feminine. I stayed calm and present.

Well, the thing that kind of jumps out at me is that, as the book says, most women sleep with a guy by the second or third date. And so ideally you want to go to like three different places on a date. And ultimately the third place should be a place that can facilitate touching and physical interaction. So like a typical date can start out like a wine bar. Or maybe in this case, maybe some sushi appetizers and some sake or something like that. And then after that you can go somewhere else. Or if you’re unsure of the girl, maybe you met her online and you don’t really want to over invest and spend a lot of money, so a wine bar would be great because then you’re just risking a glass of wine.

If that goes well, then you can go someplace and have a nice dinner together, ideally within walking distance, or a short drive, or a bus or train or a quick taxi cab. So the third place is someplace like shooting pool, throwing darts, maybe throwing axes, miniature golf, maybe even a Top Golf, maybe after your at a wine bar if that goes really well, then say, “hey, let’s go to Top Golf and hit some golf balls and eat some appetizers and have some drinks there.” Because with the physical interaction, you know, say she doesn’t know how to hold a golf club, which quite frankly, most girls don’t. And if you do, it gives you a reason to touch her.

Put your arms around her, show her how to hold the club, show her how to do the swing. And so the idea is that by the time you get to the third place, you’re in hour 4 or 5 since you’ve been together. And typically most women take about 4 to 5 hours, especially on a first date, for them to warm up and to be open and receptive enough to hook up with you. And so everything is to facilitate that. And so what it looks like is this guy went to dinner and then that was the end of the date. So he went one place and then that was the end. And so he’s straying from the book. The book is designed to create the conditions so you get what you want as quickly as possible. Because clearly this guy’s right in the email because it hasn’t gone the way he thought it would.

I led and set plans, light teasing, flirting, and a goodnight kiss. She was receptive and feminine. I stayed calm and present.

Again, if you just did what most guys do, they go to dinner and then that’s the end of the date. Now, it doesn’t mean you can’t get to where you want to be. You can’t get to a relationship or hooking up by just doing one date, but it spreads it out. It takes longer, it takes several more weeks. And the longer you date, the more you get emotionally invested. And ideally, you’d want to find out quickly if it’s going to go somewhere or it’s not.

Date number two. I took her to a concert. I handled logistics and kept things light and romantic. Lots of affectionate touch, extended kissing. I did not blow up her phone between dates. I kept it minimal and confident.

Well, instead of taking her to a concert, I don’t know what kind of concert you took it to. Maybe, like, you know, a wine bar where there’s a jazz person playing and you can listen to some music, but not someplace where it’s so loud you can’t talk. Because the date is supposed to facilitate talking, interaction, getting to know each other, physical touch. And if you’re going to a loud concert and you’re sitting down, well, you’re not going to be really talking. It’s kind of like going to a movie. So I personally wouldn’t have done a concert because obviously if it’s an expensive artist, you know, that can get expensive. I personally wouldn’t have done that. But you do, you boo boo.

Date number three. Sushi at a new spot plus bowling and brief music at the end. Five plus hours together.

So he did three date, three different spots.

Very flirty, touchy. We kissed a lot. She teased about “other girlfriends”. I kept it playful, didn’t qualify myself. Before leaving, I said, “You’re gonna have to go because I can’t stop kissing you.” Playful frame.

Well, why weren’t you saying, “hey, let’s get out of here and go back to my place and open a bottle of wine.” Doesn’t sound like any kind of trial, because that’s the whole point. Once you are physical and you’re all over each other, then you do “The Trial Close” that’s mentioned in 3% Man to see if she’s down to go to your place for some additional activities so seduction can happen. But it sounds like he just dipped out.

After the date I sent one short, courteous text, “Just got home, passing out. Fun tonight, hope to see you again soon.”

I personally don’t send those kinds of things. That’s not what I teach and so I don’t know if this guy has read the book or he’s a cherry picker doing it his own way, doing his own thing.

Between date dynamics. In person she’s warm, playful, and physically affectionate. Between dates, she rarely, or never initiates. Most initiation has been me.

So she does initiate. But again, you haven’t slept with her yet and you haven’t spent any time alone other than going out now. It’s not the end of the world. I mean, you asked me to critique it, and I’m just, you know, with my approach, what would I have done differently than what you’re doing. You could still get there by what you’re doing it’s just going to take longer, that’s all. It’s not the end of the world. And at the end of the day, you’re trying to go slower than the woman. So if you spread things out and the sex comes in the fourth or fifth date. It’s not the end of the world. My job as a Coach is to stack the deck in your favor so you get what you want, when you want, as quickly as what you want. To be as efficient as possible.

She asked, “what do you think of me?” I stayed playful and didn’t over-validate.

Well, that doesn’t really help me. That just sounds like a robotic response. So maybe you could have said what your response was to her instead of just saying, “I stayed playful and I didn’t over validate coach. I didn’t over validate I am a robot.” I was doing a phone session with a guy recently, and another guy using ChatGPT to try to imitate me, which didn’t go well, and his girlfriend even came right out and said, you act like a robot. And we had a good laugh about that. And the reason he acts like a robot because he’s listening to a fucking digital robot tell him what to do, and his girls picking up on that. So, you guys, it’s like, you know, when I was telling this client, ChatGPT is about as smart as a retarded meth head.

So if you’re going to get dating advice or you’re going to upload my book to ChatGPT and think it’s going to be able to duplicate what I do and give you perfect text responses, it’s like you’re sadly mistaken. And everybody that I’ve talked to on phone sessions has listened to ChatGPT, and it’s given them the wrong information, and they read me things that it tells them to do. I’m like, what? Again, you’re taking advice from a retarded digital meth head. It’s a bad way to go and your results will not be good.

My read, attraction in person is clear. Initiative outside the date is low and uncertain.

Again, you haven’t slept together and you haven’t even been alone together. So you’re kind of a little impatient that things haven’t ended in the bedroom. And that’s a you issue because you’re not really following what the book says.

My current plan based on your teaching. No further initiating. Let her come to me and show interest through action.

Um, that’s not based on my teaching. So you don’t understand what I teach because you probably haven’t read the book 10 to 15 times. You look like a cherry picker, as a matter of fact. And so again, you continue to initiate until the woman picks the ball up and starts initiating 1 to 3 times a week or 2 to 3 times a week. She is initiating, but again, he doesn’t really elaborate, so she is reaching out. So she does reach out. You assume she wants to see you and you make the next date. So it’s a process. So follow the process in the book.

You deciding “well, I’m just going to basically go No Contact based on your teaching”, which again you’re misinterpreting what I teach, probably because you haven’t read the book and you’re cherry picking in videos because you’re lazy, so you’re not going to be successful if you’re not reading the book and you don’t understand what’s in it. So I guess the dogs have decided to eat a deer antler here. I wonder if you guys can hear the crunching.

If she reaches out, I’ll confidently set the next date.

Which you should do.

If she doesn’t, I’m prepared to move on without resentment.

That’s a mistake. Again, you really haven’t been following what I teach on your dates, with the exception of the third date. But even then, you didn’t invite her back to your place to escalate things physically.

Questions for you. Number one, given the above, is “no contact until she reaches out” the correct move now?

Absolutely not. You don’t go no contact just because you’re three dates in and you’re like, “okay, well, it’s time for her to start pursuing me.” That’s not how this works. It’s something that happens naturally because she likes you. Her interest goes up. She feels warm with you. She feels safe and comfortable with you. And on top of that, once she feels safe and comfortable, and you’ve had sex. She’ll typically start initiating then. She already is. But it’s not going fast enough.

Because, again, your first two dates, you and you went to dinner. And then that was the end of the day. The second date was a concert, which is basically like going to a movie, which again, the book says, don’t do that, but you did it anyways, so you have delayed her warming up to you just by straying from the book. Third date seems like pretty good, but again, you didn’t really have any logistics afterwards to facilitate seduction.

Number two, if she does text, how much effort should I invest setting date number four? Keep it fun, simple vs. more romantic escalation?

Well, again, the whole purpose of a date is to create an opportunity for sex to happen. Not go out and make jokes and kiss and make out, but then turn into a statue after that. The idea is when you get to the third place and she’s all over you like white on rice, like she has been, then you continue the fun. “Hey, let’s get out here and go back to my place and open a bottle of wine.” Or, “hey, let’s go back to my place and pop a bottle of champagne and hop in the Jacuzzi.” Or, “hey, let’s go back to my place and throw some darts”, or whatever it happens to be. You should have that figured out. It’s your job to lead her to where you want to go, which is ultimately the bedroom.

And so you should have been doing that on the first three dates. So again, that’s your job to make it happen. You have not done enough. You haven’t followed the book close enough. And she clearly is not warm enough to where you can just say, “okay, well, I’m not going to reach out ever again. And now she’s got to do all the pursuing.” That’s not how it works. That’s not how the book is laid out. The only reason you start to back off from texting and initiating is because she picks the ball up and starts initiating with you. That hasn’t happened yet. She’s only initiated minimal, as you said, but again, you didn’t really elaborate.

Number three, if she doesn’t text at all, do you recommend any re-engagement window ever, or simply let it go indefinitely?

Again, the book says one date per week that you initiate, and again, it doesn’t look like you’ve actually read the book, so you don’t know what’s in there. And so you’re just throwing darts in the blizzard and trying to cherry pick from videos. And I constantly warn in my videos thousands of times over and over not to cherry pick, and yet you’re cherry picking. So your results aren’t what you want because you’re not following advice. You’re kind of doing your own thing in your own way.

Number four, when she throws “jealousy tests” e.g., “other girlfriends”, is my playful deflection, no qualifying, the right response?

Well, again, I would just have a playful response because you only have three dates in, you haven’t had sex or any of that, so it’s just too much too soon to be thinking that far in the future. Again, if you read the book and took what I teach seriously, you wouldn’t have these basic questions. But I can tell you’re a cherry picker.

Number five, any adjustments you’d make to my between-date behavior to better gauge and grow her interest without chasing?

Appreciate your guidance and your work. It’s helped me stay grounded, lead, and show up as the prize.

Best,

Bob

Well, just initiate one date per week. If she contacts you for any reason, she sends you a meme. Whatever. “Hey”, as a text she sends you, assume she wants to see you make the next date. Again. Three places. And at the third place, when you’re all over each other, then you should be inviting her to go back to your place. But you haven’t done that. You haven’t pulled the trigger because, again, it doesn’t look like you ever actually read the book. So you got to participate in your own rescue, Dude. There are no shortcuts to success. And if you’re going to be a cherry picker, you’re going to blow good opportunities. So if you like blowing good opportunities, then keep doing what you’re doing.

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen on any page, and book a coaching session with yours truly. Until next time, I will talk to you soon.