What it means and what you should do if she still doesn’t want to be exclusive after 5 months of dating.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a 31-year-old guy from Australia who is dating a 24-year-old woman. He has been dating her for about 5 months. He says he’s been through my audiobook multiple times, but she is still not in love and wanting to be exclusive. She also pushed him away recently by reminding him that he is still single and free to mingle with other women.
He is perplexed because she was not in love after 7-8 weeks of dating and still is not there or asking to be exclusive. It’s obvious from the tone of his email that his mindset is the opposite of what the book teaches, and he doesn’t really know the material. He, like most people, is lazy and looking for shortcuts to success, which simply do not exist. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.
This girl is not as attracted as he would like her to be. More than likely, he’s way more into her than she’s into him, and that’s probably part of his problem, why he can’t see things clearly.
Howdy from Australia, Coach Wayne,
I have an interesting situation and I’m looking for some advice. I have been through your audio book multiple times and watched many of your videos.
So I read that statement, “I’ve been through your audiobook multiple times,” and that tells me, maybe once or twice he went through it. He didn’t really take it seriously, wasn’t serious about reading it 10 to 15 times, so he’s not following the instructions right off the bat. And in most of my phone sessions, guys that are struggling with women that they’re dating and they’ve been following me for a long time, when I ask them how many times they’ve read the book, “Oh, I’ve been through it a few times” or ” I’ve been through it several times.” You hear things like that.
You’re not going to learn the material that well, and you’re making things way harder on yourself than it needs to be. And so, this guy’s probably just cherry picking information and videos that relate to the behavior that he’s currently seeing with his girlfriend. And you might get some sustainable success, but it’s not going to be sustainable.
I’m currently dating a 24yr old (I’m 31) with whom I connect with on a spiritual and emotional level that transcends the mere physical connection that I have had with previous women.
So, what that tells me is “I’m really dopey. I’ve got this girl on a pedestal, and I’m kissing her ass. I’m way more into her than she’s into me.” And so, when you have that kind of an attitude, and you’ve only been through the book once or twice, if even that many times, I don’t expect this guy to be successful. I don’t expect this guy to understand what’s going on or why she’s not in love with him yet. He read enough to kind of get a feel for what the book is about, but he doesn’t really understand the material. He doesn’t understand how the pickup skills, the dating skills, and the relationship skills all are important.
We have been seeing each other once or twice a week since mid-January, 2023.
Well, the reality is, if you would really read a book backwards and forwards and you would actually follow the instructions of reading it 10 to 15 times and getting to know it so well you could teach a class on it, she should be head over heels in love with you to where pretty much by now, every night she’s either at your place or you’re at hers.
And the fact that five months in, you’re still only seeing each other 1 or 2 times a week, it really sounds like you’re just a booty call to her, especially if she’s reminding you that you’re still single and you can see other women. That tells me that she’s open and sending out the vibe that she’s single and looking for a guy that she’s going to feel more attraction for.
Everything is going great.
Well, if everything was going great, dude, you wouldn’t be writing me.
Awesome sex, connection, mutual interests in art, music, etc.
You can tell he’s kind of pedestalizing her a little bit.
She is a very sweet girl with minimal red flags.
“Everything’s great, everything’s wonderful,” yet he’s writing me an email. Because everything’s great! I can’t help but laugh at these because it’s like, the guys don’t listen. They’re the ones shooting themselves in the foot. If you don’t follow instructions, you should not be surprised it’s not working.
I have approached our relationship with a cool sense of indifference and have been taking it slowly and never pushed for labels or commitment.
Yeah, but your vibe gives off that you want to lock her down.
Just having fun and hooking up. A month ago, she told me she is not seeing other people and that her body is all mine.
Then, you should be saying, “Well, what does that mean? Do you want to be exclusive? Do you want to be boyfriend and girlfriend? You’ve got to ask good quality questions. Again, this is something that’s mentioned in the book, but because he only went through it once or twice, he didn’t pick up on that. He didn’t pick up on that little tiny detail, which was a big deal. And he missed an opportunity to find out what she’s really thinking and feeling.
She recently booked us tickets for a weekend trip together in July, which is two months down the road. All positive signs.
However, I still sense that a part of her is distant.
That’s because there’s a lack of intimacy and attraction. But you haven’t read the book, so you don’t really know or pick up on that. You don’t really know what’s going on. You’re trying to cherry pick, and you’re looking for the perfect line or the perfect video that’s going to just solve your problem. That’s not how it works, dude.
This is all a philosophy, this is all mindset, this stuff that I teach. And you’ve got to be able to understand what a woman is thinking, doing, and saying, so you understand how to properly apply what’s in the book. But if you haven’t taken the time to learn it, you’re basically still the same guy you were before you came across my work. And so, you’re still doing all the same unattractive behaviors that are, in essence, getting in the way of her falling in love with you.
And then, of course, you’re writing me an email that just says everything is great, when it’s obviously not, because if everything was great like you claim it is, I wouldn’t be reading this email from you.
And I have noticed she hasn’t completely fallen in love after the 7-8 week mark of us dating. The other week she subtly pushed me away by reminding me that I’m still free and single.
Yeah, remember, this guy just got done telling me how everything’s so great in his relationship and it’s like, the best ever. I mean, let me go back and read what he said here. “Everything is going great. Awesome sex, connection, mutual interest in art, music, etc. She’s a very sweet girl with minimal red flags.” Remember, “everything’s great,” but here he is complaining that she’s distant, and 7 to 8 weeks in, she’s not completely in love.
You may be in love with her, but she ain’t in love with you. And because you don’t know the book, you’re unable to see that, because you don’t even know what to look for. You don’t know how to read her body language. You don’t know how to tell where her interest and her attraction level is towards you, because you don’t know the book. And if you don’t understand those things, you can’t tell where you stand with her. That’s why you’re sending me an email telling me how everything is great, but yet she’s telling you, “Hey, I hope you’re dating other women still.”
Remember, what he said was, “The other week she subtly pushed me away by reminding me that I’m still free and single.” He’s like, “She’s not completely in love.” She’s not even in love, dude. She’s not even feeling it. She’s basically telling you, “Hey, you should be keeping your options open, because I am.” And he’s thinking about the fact that they’ve got a trip planned, and what she said a month ago, as if it still applies to how she feels today.
You need to rate a woman’s interest based on how she’s showing up today, not what she did or said a month ago. Again, this is all in the book, but you don’t know it, so this is why this shit sails right over your head and you completely have no idea what’s going on.
This hasn’t fazsed me, and I brushed it off with teasing and laughter.
Well, you shouldn’t just brush that off. You should be going, “Well, what do you mean I’m still free and single? You’re cool with me dating other women? Okay. So, you’re dating other men still? Okay.” But he didn’t ask. He just laughed it off and blew it off like it was no big deal. Because, again, he doesn’t know the book. He’s trying to apply some seduction and some dating techniques to things that really are communication issues.
And I continue to give her the space to let things flow naturally, maintaining focus on my busy consulting career, side business, and time with my buddies. My current impasse is, do I make my feelings truly known so she knows she is special and not just another chick, or would this be a big mistake and push her away…
Well, you claim to have read the book. So, the fact that you’re asking me this again just reiterates that you don’t know the book.
…as I know from your work relationships, being open to receive love, etc. is the feminine domain?
Yeah, exactly. You shouldn’t be trying to lock her down to a commitment. She should be trying to lock you down to a commitment. What you should be recognizing is she’s telling you that you should be dating other women and that you’re free to do it. But he’s still stuck on what she said a month ago about how she wasn’t dating anybody else and her body was all his. That only applied in that moment.
So, in his mind, he still thinks what she said a month and a half ago applies to today. And yet, he ignores the fact that she just told him, “Hey, you’re free to date whoever you want.” That’s her way of communicating that she’s keeping her options open and looking for other guys to date, maybe even giving out her phone number. And if you’re only seeing her once or twice a week, she could be going out and hanging out with Chad Thundercock, and you would have no idea.
Do I stay strong and see if she’ll come to me with the relationship talk in time, or do I, out of self-respect, knowing I am worthy of more and someone’s best effort, tell her I want to take it one step further as she is special, and we connect in such a meaningful way?
Yeah, you’re all dopey, dude. You’re all dopey and putting her on a pedestal, and you can’t even see that. You’ve got her on a pedestal, and meanwhile, she’s keeping her options open. Because her interest was going up at one point, and whatever has been going on in the last month or two, her interest is actually going down.
Especially if she’s telling you, “Hey, I hope you’re dating other women. You’re free to date whoever you want.” That’s basically her way of saying, “Yeah, I’m not seriously considering you for a commitment or a boyfriend.” That’s indicative of her attraction in the moment. But yet, because he doesn’t know the book, he’s thinking about what she said two months ago, as if it applies today.
In essence, how long does one wait for a woman to full receive and want you all to herself?
Thanks for all you do mate.
Well, it happens when you learn the book, you read it 10 to 15 times and you actually apply it. Not when you pedestalize a girl, and you drool all over her, and beg and plead for her attention and validation.
And so, this girl, her attitude and what she says communicates that you’re just a casual hookup for her. At least right now in the present moment, as of the time you sent this email, you’re not somebody she’s considering boyfriend material. You’re just one of the guys that she happens to be fucking. That’s about it. So, you’ve got to get back in the book, dude. You’ve got to learn the material, because cherry picking stuff from videos is not going to get you sustainable success.
That’s why her interest was going up a couple of months ago, and it was looking like she was wanting a serious relationship, or she was moving in that direction, but because you didn’t know the book, you didn’t recognize that you needed to ask better quality questions like, “What do you mean? What are you saying?” You just laughed it off and then changed the subject. You can’t cherry pick videos and expect to be surprised when this girl that you thought was interested in becoming your girlfriend is actually telling you that, “Hey, you’re free to date other women. Maybe, hopefully you find somebody else.”
So, if I were you, I’d be reading the book and figure out where you went wrong. Get this girl off of the pedestal. And if she just told you, “Hey, you should be dating other women,” If I were you, I’d be out dating other women and keeping my options open. Because having another girl in your life will actually help you, especially as you’re trying to apply this stuff. It’ll make you cockier. It’ll give you a little bit more swagger and less inclined to drool all over this girl, like you’re obviously doing.
Because you’ve got her on a pedestal like she’s some perfect woman that you’re hoping she’ll choose you, and that is the opposite of the mindset that my book teaches. You’ve got to let women come to you at their pace. But you’ve got to learn the book if you want to have success, you’re not going to be successful with cherry picking things from videos.
So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge that you need my help with, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen on any page, and book a coaching session with yours truly.
*Amazon and the Amazon logo are trademarks of Amazon.com, Inc. or its affiliates. As an Amazon Associate I earn from qualifying purchases. **Free with a new Audible.com membership
If you have a question you would like me to consider answering in a future Video Coaching Newsletter, you can send it (3-4 paragraphs/500 words max) to this email address: [email protected]
If you feel I have added value to your life, you can show your appreciation by doing one of the following three things:
From my heart to yours,
Author, Speaker, Peak Performance Coach, Entrepreneur