After No Contact She’s Still Difficult & Unsure What She Wants

Some things to consider if she’s still difficult & unsure what she wants after no contact.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a viewer who provides an update on a woman he was dating but broke up with because of trust issues and her unresolved divorce situation. She came back after no-contact and they’re hooking up again. However, she’s difficult and contradictory and their original issues remain.

He appears to be trying to use my book to fix an unfixable woman. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

So this particular email is an update from a guy that I did a video newsletter for him about a month ago. He was dating this girl for about a year, year-and-a-half. She hadn’t completely finalized her divorce yet and she was kind of doing weird things like wearing jewelry that her husband gave her and that kind of thing. He just had a lot of trust issues and issues that were going on. It kind of looks like he’s trying to use 3% Man to fix this woman, which that’s not going to end well. The book is not designed for that. The book is designed to be used on a healthy woman that comes from a good household, a woman who loves her father, especially if you’re looking for a good woman to date and have a long-term relationship with.

So he ended up going no-contact after they split up, because I think she dumped him because she wanted to move in and get serious and he wasn’t ready to do it just because of the trust issues. Still not divorced even though the husband, I guess, lives in another country and already has a new partner. The issues are still there. So now she’s kind of come back, but she’s kind of got some flaky behavior. She says she’s unsure what she wants. So the no-contact worked. Her attitude changed. She came back. Things are better, but still not ideally where he wants her to be.

Viewer Email:

Dear Corey,

I wanted to give you an update on my situation and get your perspective.

To clarify some background I didn’t mention before: I’m 32, she’s 26. Her husband lives in another country and already has a new partner. She lives here with a friend two years. We were together for about a year-and-a-half. I own a home with a family member and am financially stable, but I intentionally held back from major commitments (House, big purchases) due to warning signs.

Well, you got to pay attention to that. You got to trust your spidey senses when it is tingling. The other thing you got to consider is, if it didn’t work the first time around, it’s probably not going to work the second time around. So what this guy is starting to see is now she’s come back and they’re hanging out, having fun, and hooking up again, but the issues are still there that turned them off the last time around.

About two months, ago we stopped seeing each other romantically/relationship wise. After that, I followed your work closely/emailed you and went into no-contact.

So that’s when I did the previous newsletter for him.

The change was immediate: She began reaching out again, texting, calling about trivial things, finding excuses to see me, checking my activity, and asking about my life.

We met several times, and on four occasions this led to sex. Afterward, she said she felt conflicted or guilty, but the pattern continued. When I asked her directly what she wants, she said: “A house, a family, and happiness,” but avoided discussing the relationship itself. Five minutes later, we were intimate again.

She says she’s not sure what she wants and needs time. At the same time, she says things like: “Maybe you’ll meet another beautiful woman, and then I’ll run after you.”

So the other thing is, you can tell he’s a little too focused on the relationship and locking her down and getting her back to where he wants her to be. So I kind of suspect now that this is the second email going through that he’s not completely applying things in the book, because at the end of the day, she dumped him. Women don’t dump men that they’re in love with. They dump men they’ve lost respect and attraction for. The fact that she’s basically suggesting to go meet another woman and date another woman tells me that she’s just not as into him as he is into her, and she knows that and is aware of it.

If it was me and I was this guy, I’d be dating and meeting other women and having other choices and options. You should be developing the attitude that it’s like she’s the one that fucked it up. She’s the one that has to earn another chance with you, and until her attitude changes and the things get resolved, I would just treat her as one of the girls that you’re seeing and dating, because if her behavior is not changing and it doesn’t look like it is, it’s not your job to fix her, to change her, or think you’re going to be able to use my book to fix her issues or to turn her into the perfect woman. You got to see reality as it is, not better than it is or worse than it is, but as it is.

She also said she hopes everything will be OK again someday.

Her past relationship lasted five years and involved no progress (No house, car, children). She says this makes her afraid of ending up in the same situation again, especially because she feels pressure about age. She’s also started wearing jewelry from her husband again, and mentioned that she misses receiving a gold necklace from me.

She misses receiving— So does that mean that she expects gold necklaces like a regular gift? That doesn’t really make sense.

Currently:

• I don’t initiate contact.
• She reaches out.
• We communicate normally when we do.
• She suggested that in a few months we meet “as friends” to talk at a restaurant (Holding on/She needs really time).
• Despite this, sexual tension and emotional connection remain. I keep more distance lately. I will wait for opportunities as you suggest. 
• I felt she opened up more with your approach. Thank you, sincerely.

Emotionally, I feel stable but aware that she’s deeply conflicted, possibly between fear, security, and attraction.

My main question is: From your perspective, is this a case where continued calm distance and self-focus allows her clarity and attraction to grow, or am I dealing with someone who is emotionally unavailable and unlikely to choose decisively?

I’d really value your thoughts.

Bob

Well, you got to read the book and you got to apply what’s in the book because you clearly were not really implementing what was in the book in your last email. Again, what that shows me is that she had all the power and the control and you were way more into her than she was into you, you’re too much too focused on your feelings and your interest in her, and you weren’t really paying attention to the fact that her interest in you was lower and she wasn’t making the effort.

So again, as the book says, your job is to create an opportunity for sex to happen. To hang out, have fun, and hook up. She broke up with you. She fucked it up. Therefore, she’s got to fix it. She’s got to do 100% of the reaching out from here on forward. You should have the attitude that she’s got to earn another chance with you, not the other way around. It’s her job to convince you why you should be exclusive with her, and not continue dating and sleeping with other women because of her behavior, which it doesn’t look like it’s gotten cleaned up.

So the short of it is, I don’t see her behavior really changing very much, and the things that annoy you about her, I mean, now showing up with her husband’s jewelry on her, it’s like, that’s kind of a signal. So if you don’t like those kinds of things, plus you had trust issues with her originally, love cannot exist where there is no trust. So if it was me, I’d be looking elsewhere for somebody to date and have a healthy long-term relationship with. I would only agree to be exclusive with this woman, because it’s clear that all you’re focused on is getting her back, getting exclusive with her and changing the things that you didn’t like about her, but it’s not your job to change somebody. Typically people don’t change. They may become a better version of who they are, but they typically don’t change.

If it was me, I’d keep my options open. She should be the low man on the totem pole. She should be a little further on down the line because she hasn’t really changed her behavior. Therefore, she shouldn’t be somebody you should be considering for a serious relationship. Unless these issues resolve themselves as her interest grows up, because the most important thing is, you got to control the controllables. You got to control your behavior and how you’re showing up, because it’s clear you are not completely applying what was in the book and doing things properly, because once you do that, as long as you’re controlling your behavior, you’re implementing the things that are in the book and you’re dealing with a normal, healthy woman, she’ll fall head over heels in love with you and want to have a relationship.

It’s pretty clear from your email you’re just too focused on that. You’re too focused on locking her down. You’re too focused on the relationship getting to where you want it to be. Again, in the past, you just focus more on your feelings and your interests in her, and you ignored the lack of interest and effort that she had in you because again, she’s talking about meeting as friends, even though you guys are still kind of hooking up. Then she’s telling you, “Well, maybe you’ll meet another beautiful woman and then I’ll run after you.” So again, that statement in and of itself tells me that she knows she’s got all the power, and you gave it away because you over communicated your interests and you’re not really following the book.

Again, you should be following what’s in 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back. She should be doing all the reaching out and you should just be making dates. Not trying to lock her down, not talking about the future, not talking about your relationship. Again, you’re straying a lot from the things that I teach, and it doesn’t seem like it’s really dawning on you that that’s the case. So you got to do better, dude. Spend the time with the book. There’s no shortcuts to success. The cherry-picking is not working for you.

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen on any page, and book a coaching session with yours truly. Until next time, I will talk to you soon.