In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a viewer who is forty-three and divorced. After reading my book and watching many of my videos, he realized that he has been approaching his personal life and dating all wrong. He says that he always relied upon liquid courage, before and during a date, as a crutch. He says he is much more confident now, but he still has a few drinks when he’s on a date. Recently, he ran into a woman who blew him off a few months ago and went back to her ex-boyfriend. They both work in the same office building. He said hello to her and they chatted a few minutes before he said goodbye and left. She texted him a few minutes later and he invited her to join him for a few pints after work. She actually showed up and they went to dinner afterward. When he tried to kiss her after dinner, he got a hug and then he called her out on not kissing him. She said, “next time.” He asks my opinion. My comments are in (bold parenthesis like this below) in the body of his email.
Thanks for being genuinely passionate about your work. I’m a divorced man, age 43, who happened upon your online videos, and I’ve read your book twice thus far. Oh man, have I been wrong over the years. If only I could show you a montage of all my dating failures. (That’s okay. I’ve had lots of dating failures as well.) I’m improving greatly though. Thanks ever so much. I used to be a chicken-shit and had to rely on liquid courage before and during a date. I’m much more confident now, but I still have a few drinks when I’m on a date. (What do you do if you go out with somebody who doesn’t drink?) I now realize I need to impose limits, and I’ll give you an example. Plus, please give some advice on how I could have handled the situation better. Here goes…
Last week I was on a date with this 30-year old woman. I was quite proud of myself, because previously, she went cold and told me she couldn’t see me anymore. I was confused, because she was the one who chased me, and we had a great passionate second date. Days later, I found out she had gotten back with her boyfriend. (There’s not a lot you can do in that situation. She had time to develop an emotional bond with her boyfriend, and she only went on a couple of dates with you. You’ll lose in that situation.) I watched your online video concerning this subject, and calmed down. I stayed away, but we ended up bumping into each other weeks later. It was bound to happen; we both work in the same building. After we spoke for a bit, I politely ended the conversation and walked away. (The walk away is so powerful and has an effect on the other person.) Twenty minutes later she texted me, so I thought, “Hmm… she’s approaching me.” I told her she was welcome to meet me for a couple pints. She acted aloof, gave me a ‘maybe,’ and I simply replied, “Well, either show or don’t. Either way, I’m going to have a couple pints,” and I left it at that. (That’s perfect, because that’s exactly what I teach. You invite women to join you on the ‘fun bus.’ If they don’t go, the ‘fun bus’ is still going to its destination.) Then she showed up. I thought to myself, “Wow, it worked!” and “Okay, Corey was right yet again about the power of being a man who has options and the power of walking away.” (You extended your invitation, and you put it out there in an unattached way. She either accepts it or not.) However, here’s where I screwed up. After 3 pints, I suggested she should come over to my place for dinner. She ended up stating she didn’t want chicken, that it reminded her of her ex-fiancé. Right there I should have said goodnight, but I ended up taking her to get pizza and more beers. (You did the exact opposite of what you had done earlier. You should have said, this is where I’m going I’d like you to join me, but instead you submitted to her and went along with what she wanted.) Deep down I wanted to keep the date going, and I wasn’t ready for the curve ball she threw at me. (That comes down to knowing the fundamentals of the book and the time and repetition of practicing them. You weren’t congruent with how you acted earlier in the evening.) Afterwards in the parking lot, I went in for the kiss, and she ended up hugging me. (If you follow what I teach, you’ll get better results.) I ended up saying something like, “What, no kiss? I know you like me.” She responded, “Next time,” as she swiftly got into her car. Damn. So, either I got used, or she considers me a ‘back up.’ (No, you just weren’t congruent with the person you started out as in the beginning of the night.) And come to mention it, I don’t recall her giving me signals to kiss her. (The only place you really screwed up is, you didn’t do what you wanted to do. You went from being the leader to following her and letting her lead. Next time, invite her over to your place to dinner, as I teach in my article and video, “7 Principles To Get An Ex Back.”)
“If you are going to drink alcohol to lower your inhibitions and feelings of awkwardness so you feel more comfortable around other people, there is a fine line between having a nice buzz and being the life of the party, and getting black out drunk and making a fool of yourself. When it comes to pickup and attraction skills for men and overcoming their approach anxiety, in the long run they will do much better and build their confidence if they only talk to women when they are sober. Synchronicity, serendipity, fate and love at first sight always seem to happen when you least expect it. Therefore, if you’re a guy who’s trying to improve your social and pickup skills with women, do it sober. You’ll become more successful, happier, confident and skilled than trying to force things by going out to get drunk and then trying to talk to women.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne
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