Am I Being A Pushover or Just Controlling?

How to know if you are being a pushover or just too controlling with your woman.

In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a viewer who has been with his girlfriend for about 8 months. When they met, she was recently out of an 8-year relationship with her ex-boyfriend. She asked him to be exclusive without the boyfriend/girlfriend labels after 2 months of dating. A week later, she cheated on him when she hooked up with a work colleague. She admitted her mistake and said she wasn’t sure of what she wanted. She pleaded to stay together, and he agreed.

Now she is going away on a company trip out of town, and the same dude will be there. He doesn’t like this. He wonders if he is being a pushover or maybe he is just being controlling. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

Character is destiny and you’re in a relationship with somebody that has a history of lying and cheating. In this case, she cheated on him and then tried to cover it up, and obviously, she wasn’t a good liar and he got it out of her. He stayed with her. I assume he came to my work after all this stuff happened. And like I’ve been saying, life is messy. And he’s already in the relationship now. He’s already been with this girl almost a year. So, what do you do when somebody’s in it?

The reality is she cheated on him once, and the same guy is going to be there, and there’s going to be alcohol involved. And if I’m a betting man, if I’m in Las Vegas, and she’s going to be with this guy she hooked up with, and her boyfriend is not going to be there – who she’s already cheated on and got away with it because he forgave her, gave her another chance, and stayed with her – there’s really no consequences if she sleeps with him again, in her mind. And so, what do you do in this situation?

You’re trying to reveal somebody’s character. Character is destiny. And you could be the best boyfriend in the world, but if you’re with somebody that’s a liar and a cheater, or like in this case, they get a little flirtatious when they drink, they create the conditions where they can cheat on you really quickly. Because what you’re really trying to find out is, when you’re not around, is she going to be loyal and faithful to you, or is she going to be enjoying the attention she’s going to get from other men?

Because women are never out of the game. Even when they’re married, a pretty girl, they’re going to have male coworkers. They’re not going to give a damn that she’s married. They’re going to want to get in her pants, so they’re not going to care about that. And so, the only thing that keeps her from cheating on you is her character, her integrity level. And if she has high character, high integrity, comes from a good family, really values what you have, is loyal, is monogamous, is faithful, she’s not going to put herself in a position where she’s going to be out drinking and something can happen. That’s just a fact of life.

But somebody who’s a ratchet and doesn’t care, she’ll cheat on you. So, if you want exclusivity and monogamy, you want to find out as quickly as possible, is this person capable of that? Obviously, we know from her past that it doesn’t look like it. Whatever you tolerate, you invite more of. And he’s already forgiven her for cheating on him. So, we’ll go through it and you’ll see the excuse that she gives him.

Viewer’s Email:

Hey Coach,

Love what you do. I’ll get straight into my issue, as I’m really torn on the right course of action. My girlfriend and I have been together for about 8 months. The first few months of dating was great with lots of indoor Olympics and time spent together. At around the 2-month mark, we had the chat about what we were, which was prompted by her saying, “I’m scared to commit, but I can’t stand the thought of seeing you with someone else.”

So, I don’t know if he brought that up or she brought that up. More than likely, he probably brought it up. Just the fact that she’s saying, “I’m scared to commit,” it sounds like he’s trying to get her to commit.

She had only recently split with her boyfriend of 8 years before we met.

So, she took no time to heal and be single. She had to go from one relationship with the ex of eight years into a relationship with you. More than likely, that means she’s pretty insecure and couldn’t stand the thought of being alone for any period of time.

This led to us being exclusive without the label of boyfriend/girlfriend.

So, that definitely tells me that he was probably pushing it, because she didn’t want the official labels.

A week after this chat, she hooked up with a colleague at her staff Christmas party.

Oh, she agreed to be exclusive and then cheats on you a week later. Must be a really loyal and faithful person, obviously.

She didn’t tell me for a week, until I pulled it out of her, as I knew something was up. She admitted she made a mistake and said she wasn’t sure of what she wanted because she hadn’t been single for long.

So, what’s the bottom line of the actions here? She agreed to be exclusive. A week later, she cheated. And character’s destiny, so if she did it once, you have to assume she’ll do it again. You look at somebody’s actions. That’s a lack of self-control. Who cares if alcohol was involved. It doesn’t matter. She put herself in the position where she was drinking. She was obviously thinking about it before she was drinking. And then when she drank, the inhibitions went away.

And so, she went and cheated, because she obviously liked this guy too. But like I said, it just sounds like, the way this was worded, the dude that wrote the email is the one who asked for the exclusivity. Guys try to be vague with that in these emails. I’ve done enough of these to know that it was probably him that brought it up.

She pleaded to stay together, and I decided to move past it as, at the time, my feelings weren’t heavily invested.

You just told her, “It’s okay to cheat and lie and deceive me.” Because she tried to deceive you when you called her out, and eventually you got it out of her. So that shows deception and dishonesty. The reality is, the cheating is not the issue here. The issue is she didn’t keep her word. Therefore, if she says she’s going to do something, and commits to something, it doesn’t really mean anything. She’s shown through her actions that she won’t honor her commitments. That’s the important thing.

It could be cheating in a relationship. It could be borrowing money and saying she’s going to pay you back, and then she doesn’t pay you back. It’s just the way it is. Or borrows a tool of yours and then never return the tool. The point being is that her word doesn’t mean anything. She says one thing and then she does another. That’s who she is.

And if you’re going to be in a relationship with her, you have to look at it and go, hey, when the opportunity is right and she’s not happy, maybe you have a fight with her on the phone, and then you hang up and she’s mad and goes to a party. And there’s some guy that’s showing her interest and she’s thinking, “Gee, I don’t know if this relationship is going to work out,” in her mind. And she gets a little drunk, or maybe she’s just not happy at that particular time, and then, oops, she slept with somebody.

Character’s destiny. People who don’t keep their word, that’s who they are. As Maya Angelou said, “When somebody tells you or shows you who they are, believe them the first time.”

Fast forward to now, her staff Christmas party is around the corner, she’s going, and all the same guys will be there. She works with 90% male colleagues…

Well, that’s not necessarily an issue, except for somebody whose character is flawed, whose word doesn’t mean anything, whose commitments don’t mean anything. They can change their commitments on a whim. And their commitments can change based on having a few cocktails, or an opportunity just presents itself, and they’re selfish and they don’t care.

…including the one she kissed last time.

When somebody says “hooked up,” hooking up is sex. I’ve had some people think, “Oh, I kissed this girl,” and that’s hooking up. That’s not hooking up, dude. Seriously. So, I don’t know if that means she just kissed this guy or she actually slept with him, but the point being is they were supposedly exclusive, and she violated the exclusivity.

The catch is, this time it’s over 2 days, everyone will be sleeping over at the event, as it’s far out of town. I can’t help but shake the feeling that alcohol and this environment will spell the end of our relationship.

Well, there’s obviously going to be married people. There’s going to be people that work at a company that are married. I would imagine their spouses are going to go as well, right? Or maybe not. So, what are the other people doing that are supposedly in a relationship there?

Am I controlling for not wanting her to go, or is she treating me like a doormat by going?

The reality is you want her to go and you want her to feel like you trust her, but in the back of your mind, you should be going, “Eh, something is probably going to go down that’s not good.” So, what conditions would it take, what would it be like, if she thinks you’re just totally cool with everything and you’re not bothered? “Have a good time! Send pictures.” When people feel super comfortable, that’s when they get sloppy. And so, you’ll see if she comes back and her behavior is different, and there’s pictures all over her social media with her and the other dude hanging all over her.

I remember I had a girl I was dating and a guy that I worked with. We were on a trip together, all of us. I’d gone back to my hotel room because I was tired. And then when all the film gets developed, I see this dude with his arm around my girl, and the drink in his hand is in my girl’s crotch. They were all hammered, and she looked like she was oblivious to it, but it was like, that little fucking worm.

She has said nothing will happen, but history shows otherwise. Worth mentioning, she’s been nothing but devoted to me for the past 8 months since we became official, but alarm bells still ring. 

Any help is appreciated.

Bob

Well, like I said, character is destiny. And my opinion, based upon this and what you shared, is it doesn’t mean anything. If she feels down to hook up with this other guy, she’s going to do it, and there’s not a damn thing you can do about it. I would not put any faith in her ability to be loyal and exclusive and monogamous. And just telling her she can’t go, what good is that going to do? Okay, so she doesn’t go on this trip and doesn’t hook up with that particular guy again, but maybe somebody else.

So, like I said, you want her to think you trust her implicitly and everything’s great, because what you’re really looking for is to see, is she going to slip up? And if she slips up again, she’s gone. You should never take back somebody that cheats on you, dude. Because all you did was tell her it was okay, it’s not a big deal. But like I said here, the way you’ve worded this, does that mean that she just kissed him, or did she have sex with him? Because when you said “hooked up” in the beginning, that sounds like she slept with the guy. But the way you were at the end of your email, it sounds like it was just a kiss.

But at the end of the day, if you’re boyfriend/girlfriend and she’s playing kissy-poo with another guy after a few drinks, it’s still cheating. Simple as that. She didn’t keep her word. That’s the important thing. Does her word mean anything? And if it doesn’t mean anything, you can’t take anything that she says at face value. She’s just a liar and a cheater. That’s who they are. When somebody tells you who they are, believe them the first time.

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly.