Am I Getting Used & Financially Fleeced In Friend Zone?

How to know if you’re getting used for resources if she rejects your romantic advances.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a viewer who appears to have gotten stuck in friend-zone for two years with a girl from Spain. She came with her cousin to stay with him for a week after talking for two years. She physically bumped into and touched him often. However, whenever he tried to reciprocate she rejected him and pulled away. All he got was three hugs for his trouble when she left.

He wonders if he simply got used for free entertainment, room and board and a tour guide. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

Well, if you have to ask, this is a good email. I think pretty much most guys that don’t know any better, yours truly included, when I was younger and I didn’t know what the hell I was doing, I’d get in situations like this. Well, this is before the internet, by the way.

This particular guy had basically spent two years in contact with a girl in Spain. I guess they met through Instagram and I believe she had a boyfriend, if I’m not mistaken. It looks like she was chatting with him. Yeah, she got out of a long-term relationship about eight months prior, and she was with that guy for like 15 years. So probably since she was a teenager, I assume it was probably like her first love or whatever. Somehow he developed a friendship over Instagram. I don’t know if they Facetimed or whatever or talked, but after about two years of this, she came to visit and brought her cousin and stayed with him. So he took her and her cousin out, probably paid for everything, and occasionally she’d be bumping into him and touching. Then as soon as he would try to reciprocate, she would pull away and back off.

So after spending a whole week together and spending a bunch of money on her, probably more than he should have, she left. He says he got three big hugs for his troubles. He didn’t even go for the kiss at the airport because she had rejected him so much over the previous week, he just figured it wasn’t really worth it. So she’s continued to get in touch, and now he’s wondering, “Is she just using me as a tour guide? A free place to stay?” Because she constantly rebuffs his romantic advances. He’s contemplating going to visit her, but he’s like, “Man, I don’t want to spend all that money and go over there just to continue to make my blue balls worse.”

So it looks like either she’s got low interest, she’s manipulating him, or she’s structured. Obviously, we should not be dating structured women because of the way she acts. Now, in Spanish culture, if she was raised in a very religious family, it’s understandable she’s going to bring somebody with her, but she had a relationship with some dude for 15 years and she’s known this guy. She came and stayed with him. At the end of the day, after all that time and all that emotional and mental energy, you invest in something like this to have her come and spend a week, she seemingly is affectionate, she starts touching him as soon as he tries to reciprocate, she basically pulls away. Obviously, after a two-year time investment, that’s not a fun way to end a week. Just three big super big hugs.

I remember, probably at least 10, 12 years ago, maybe even 15 years ago, there was a guy who was in a similar situation. I remember because the title of that video was like a Big Wide Open Hug or something like that. This guy was really excited about this girl he’d been in friend-zone with for a while, and for his troubles, he got a big wide open hug. It was his way of saying, “Hey, that hug really meant something.” At the end of the day, it was a hug. There was no kiss, there was no sex, there was no affection.

So at the end of the day, this is why it’s important to make your intentions clear. You’re interested in romance. You’re not interested in friendship. If you do meet somebody overseas, you should only really need to talk for about a month. If you’re the guy, hop on a plane and go visit her. Go stay in her city for a week or two. You get to experience the culture, you get a hot tour guide and you’ll know whether or not there’s something there. If there’s something there, you’re going to hang out, have fun, and hook up. If there’s not, then you can fly back and say, “Well, I checked that box. At least I got to have a hot tour guide,” even if you get a set of blue balls.

At the end of the day, you shouldn’t be talking to somebody for two years. If you’re the man, it’s better to know right away. Like I said, maximum a month, chit-chatting and say, “Hey, I’d love to come visit you and explore things,” and if she’s down, go get a Airbnb or a nice hotel in the area. Spend probably two weeks, maybe a week. It just depends on how much time you can get off from work. If you can swing it, you don’t want to spend too much money, but you also don’t want to waste two years of your life in a emotional fantasy and then have her finally get together for a week and basically have her be like, “Keep your hands to yourself, young man!” That’s no fun.

Viewer Email:

Hi Corey, 

I’ve read your book four times now and have recommended it to several of my clients who have replied with high approval. I’ll be continuing to read it and recommending it.

Well, the most important thing is you got to apply it because it’s in the repetitions of applying it, especially with different women, that you get to see what’s in the book actually works. That’s the important thing because once you apply it more and you practice it and you see it works, that’s going to grow your confidence, gives you a little bit more swagger, makes you a little cockier, more playful, more flirtatious, and as your skills grow, so will the quality of women that you’re able to attract.

About a month ago, I met a woman in person when she came to visit me from Spain, over Instagram. After two years of friends on Instagram, one day out of the blue, she DM’d me telling me how she was coming to “visit me finally.” She’d never traveled outside of Europe, and she was tagging along with her cousin (female). 

She came to my town (LA) staying for a week. We had a blast, spending almost every hour and day together doing touristy things, traveling to Vegas, having dinners, romantic escapades, etc.

Even though nothing romantic happened. So that tells me he’s a little too focused on his feelings and his interest in her, and had a hard time being objective about her interest and her effort towards him. Obviously, right up until the point where she gave him three big hugs for all of his trouble and his entertainment and the money spent after a full week and two years of chatting with her online.

Every night she would ask me to hang out with her alone, for dinner, paddle boating, walking my dog and insisted on taking photos with me at any location where we were having fun. She would constantly bump into me, grab my arm, sit next to me, lean on me…

I mean, all right out of the book. Those are indications that she’s romantically interested. However, what happens when he tries to reciprocate? This is where it looks like she’s a structured girl. So even though there might be attraction and interest there, she’s purposely not allowing it to advance at all. When you spoke to somebody for two years and then they basically behave this way, they act structured, again, this is why you don’t waste your time with structured women. At least I wouldn’t. I’ve never known anybody that I’ve done either personally or clients or through email where it worked out with the structured girl.

…But whenever I tried to reciprocate her touching, she always pulled away.

So she’s touching you like she likes you. As soon as you reciprocate, she pulls away. That’s what a structured woman does. She’s not acting natural. She’s following a set of rules. That’s a pain in the ass. You want a girl who’s easygoing, easy to get along with, who’s nice to you, who allows the romance to evolve and develop. She doesn’t have a bunch of hoops that she expects you to jump through. She’s not expecting you to basically jump through your butt to please her, and maybe you’ll get a peck on the cheek at the end of the week.

One night after staying out until 3 a.m. (Her constantly asking me relationship questions) I invited her to my bed. Initially she accepted but then eventually declined saying, “It wasn’t time yet,” and “Everything in due time.”

So again, she’s just purposely putting the brakes on everything. After talking to somebody for two years and she comes and she stays in your house, then she’s doing this? It’s like, no man is going to be happy with that.

She got out of a long-term relationship eight months prior of over 15 years (She’s 29).

Basically, we’re talking 16 months when you’re talking to this girl while she supposedly is in a relationship with somebody for 15 years. So that’s not a good sign either.

I held my emotions inside and went to bed, feeling rejected but understanding why, or at least I thought (Her cousin was also sleeping on the other side of my studio divider).

So she basically had a cock-blocker with her. “Oh, we can’t make too much noise. I don’t want to wake up my cousin.”

I remained stoic and did not chase. She kept telling me how her stomach was in a knot and how she badly wanted to stay and not leave.

Well, that sounds nice and wonderful, but what do her actions show us? She says nice things, she dangles a carrot, but no affection. Zero affection is allowed. She can touch you, but as soon as you try to touch back, she’s like, “Uh uh. Not yet.”

Dropping her off at the airport, she gave me three of the biggest hugs ever…

A Big, Wide Open Hug. I think that was the name of that video newsletter probably close to 15 years ago. I think I did that one maybe 13, 14.

…And locked eyes with me for a solid minute.

Well, you could have looked at her lips and then up into her eyes and down her lips, and if she looked at your lips, she should have kissed her, but notice what he says.

At that point I felt I was blue balled enough and decided not to go in for the kiss since every other one of my lighter advancements were basically rejected.

I mean again, after a whole week and you had all that time together, she’s staying over, by the end of the week, he’s just already kind of giving up.

I did flirt with her, for example, she walked up to me pointing at her crotch…

So she’s not so innocent.

…Saying she wanted to get a tattoo there.

So it’s just kind of like teasing you with her body. “Oh hey, I’m going to get a tattoo on my pussy. What do you think about that? But you can’t touch or kiss me or hug me. We’ll have to wait for that.” It’s very manipulative.

I jokingly said, “Get my name there.” She laughed saying, “I’ll get that here (pointing to her ass) so you can see it.”

Again, that just seems very manipulative. Like she knows what she’s doing. She knows he’s just too nice and she needs a free place to stay. She had a tour guide who showed her the whole city. He took her to Vegas. He spent tons of money on her, obviously. I’m sure she didn’t pay for any of this, and what does he get? Three the biggest hugs ever and blue balls. So you look at the time invested the money invested, like dude, you could have just gone to Vegas by yourself and got a really smoking hot hooker who would have fucked your brains out, and it still would have been way cheaper and less emotional investment than with her. So it’s like, man, that’s a lot of expense. A lot of effort. A lot of time for three hugs.

I made the decision to not initiate contact at all after she left back for Spain, because I didn’t want to become attached.

Well, dude, newsflash! You’re clearly already attached, but with that kind of effort from her, I’d never call, I’d never text. I wouldn’t initiate any contact first and I wouldn’t even bring up getting together with her again unless she brought it up. I’d take my time to respond to her, because again, you spent two years talking to her. You spent a whole week with her there in your place. Anytime you try to touch or show any the slightest bit of affection, you got rejected. After all that time and all that money, you got three hugs. That fucking sucks, dude.

To my surprise she initiated constant communication for about a month, from her take off, up until Valentine’s Day. I decided to send her a V-day card and printed photos from her trip here.

I would have never done that. You got nothing. So this is part of the problem, is you’re focused on how much you like her and you’re not really being objective in her level of interest and effort towards you. And so that’s the kind of thing you do for a girlfriend. It would have been fine if she’d been fucking your brains out for that week, but all you got was three hugs and you’re sending her a Valentine’s Day card.

The note was light-hearted and not too romantic, stating I had a wonderful time…

“…Your Highness.” Well, he just said “wonderful time.” He didn’t say Your Highness, but he might as well have.

…During her stay and that I couldn’t wait for our next adventures.

“Please come back so I can empty my bank account on you and get three big hugs.”

Up until a week ago, we have been constantly communicating, and on every Facetime date she tells me how she is saving up to come back this time to stay for several months. She constantly invites me to stay with her at her parents’ house in her small town. 

Yeah, I’m not taking her up on that offer. It would have been different if she’d had come and fucked your brains out, sure, but when she basically acted like a nun the whole time? I don’t think so.

My worry is that I am potentially being used as a free stay in the States. I’m also concerned about visiting her in Spain as I don’t want to spend so much money on something that probably isn’t there and getting friend-zoned in Europe.

Well dude, news flash! You’re already friend-zoned. I know you thought you had romantic adventures, but every time you tried to be romantic, you got rejected and she hugged you like her gay male girlfriend when she left, and she keeps dangling the pussy and her ass because she knows you want it. Plain and simple. She didn’t give it up. She wouldn’t even kiss you. So when you look at that, that’s what we call a bad investment. Your ROI, your return on investment, was a big zero. On top of that, you depleted your bank account, for what? For blue balls?

I felt a genuine connection I haven’t in a long time, but there was no clear communication from her that she is interested in me romantically. She is beautiful, witty, smart, funny as hell. My type of woman.

What do you recommend I do moving forward?

I recommend you do nothing.

Should I visit her?

Absolutely no way in hell! She hasn’t earned that. What will end up happening is you’ll just spend a bunch of money to go there. You’ll end up taking her around town, blowing your money on her, and you’ll get three big hugs at the end of the airport, and she’ll probably tell you, “Oh, my parents are around, we can’t do anything, but when I come to visit you next time, we’ll surely be able to do something.”

Should I continue doing the same thing, which is waiting for her to initiate contact?

Thanks, Corey! 

Bob

Yeah, well I wouldn’t invest any more effort into it. If she says, “Well, you don’t ever call anymore. You don’t seem to reach back out and you don’t seem to be as invested.” It’s like, “Well, I mean, we’ve talked for two years. You came and you spent a whole week with me, and every time I tried to touch you, kiss you, or show any affection, you rejected me. Even at the airport, you hugged me three times and that was it. So I just look at that and clearly from your actions, you’re interested in something platonic. I’m looking for romance. So if you want to come visit, you’re welcome to come visit. Other than that, I’m going to move on and date girls that actually live in my country and my city. So I wish you all the best. If you ever want to come and have a great romantic week together for however long and make love, that’d be great, but I’m not interested in something that’s platonic. You’ve known me long enough, and you’re not just not investing enough for me.”

All she has to do is book a plane ticket to come see you. So she tries to tell you, “Oh, I’m really interested. I just need to save money,” it’s like, “Well, how much does it cost for a plane ticket? You can’t save up enough? You don’t have any savings? Your parents won’t give you a little bit of money to come see me? Like, if that’s all you’re willing to do, you’re telling me it’s going to take you six months to save up enough money for a plane ticket. After all the time, money and effort I’ve invested, that’s just not enough. You’re not willing to make enough of an effort to come see me. I want something more than you’ve been willing to offer. So I’m going to pass. You got my number. If you want to come see me and have a nice, romantic week together or two or whatever, that’d be great, but if you want to come here and have me be your tour guide and take you and your cousin around and spend money on you guys for some hugs, yeah, I’m going to pass.”

So that’s what I’d do if I were you. You got to play the book with women who have actual romantic interests. What it looks like is you are just too nice. Probably all this started before you got involved in my work, and now you’re trying to course correct when she had already kind of stuck you in friend-zone. There are women in this world that will use you, that will fly and come stay with you and dangle the pussy and their ass in front of you, but never let you touch it or have it. So you keep spending your money and giving them free room and board and taking them to nice dinners, and they get a bunch of pictures to go, “Oh, look at all the fun I had. It didn’t cost me anything. All I had to do was hug this guy three times when I left.” It’s like any guy that is in your shoes and experienced this would be like, “Man, the ROI was terrible.” So you deserve more, dude.

If I were you, I’d be reading the book and applying it with women that actually live in your city. Don’t be getting involved in these kind of delusional romantic fantasies, because again, if you’re going to talk to a girl overseas, you can talk for three or four weeks, then hop on a plane to go see her and stay there for a week or whatever, and see if there’s chemistry and connection there. If you hang out, have fun, and hook up while you’re there, then next time she should fly to come see you. You need to make sure that the other person is making an effort. So if she really is not OK with you walking away, again, you don’t need to call her, you don’t need to text, or you don’t need to tell her this.

If she does reach out, you can just say, “You know, based on what I experienced with you here, you’re welcome to come see me, but in order for me to stay romantically interested in you, you’re going to have to invest more. So if you want to continue, you should book a ticket and come see me. I don’t want to wait six months or a year for you to save up money to do that. If that’s not something you’re willing to do in the next month or two, then I’m going to pass. I’m going to move on, and I’m going to wish you all the best.” That’s how I would handle it. Don’t keep giving this girl your attention because she ain’t giving you jack shit.

So she’s going to get to experience what life is like without you. If she wants to keep you in her life, she’s got to show you through her actions that she’s interested in sex and romance. If she’s not willing to come and spend time with you, just you and her, if she insists on bringing her cousin back, just say, “No. I’m not interested in doing that. We’ve spent enough time together for you to feel comfortable. You already stayed at my place before. If you don’t want to come and have a romantic week together, you and me, then this is just a waste of both of our times. I’d rather invest in a girl that lives in my city that is really into me.”

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