Am I Her Emotional Tampon & Gay Male Girlfriend?

How to know if you are her emotional tampon and gay male girlfriend and have no chance.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a viewer who appears to be acting like a white knight who is trying to save a female bartender from a mediocre relationship, but has become her emotional tampon and gay male girlfriend instead.

He’s spent so much time talking and texting with this woman who doesn’t appear loyal thinking they are going to live happily ever after once she leaves her boyfriend for him. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

Well, if you have to ask, you probably are.

In this particular email, this viewer appears like he’s trying to act like a white knight, and there is a female bartender that he’s talking to and he’s trying to save her from a mediocre relationship. So he’s spending a lot of time talking and texting to this girl, and he’s just basically an emotional tampon, gay male girlfriend. His whole life, his personal life is on hold while he hangs out with her. She even mentioned, “Are you OK if we’re just friends?” She gives him a big hug when she sees him. He’s going into her bar all the time, and even though she’s got a boyfriend, she even invited him to meet her boyfriend and she’s told her boyfriend that she hangs out with this guy, and he’s hoping that eventually she’s going to leave the boyfriend and they’re going to be together and live happily ever after like they do in a Disney movie, but this isn’t a Disney movie. This is real life.

This is typically what happens with guys. You should never try to mow another man’s lawn and put your personal life on hold and hang out with a girl who’s married or in a relationship with somebody else, hoping she’s going to leave that guy to be with you. As a man, your job is to hold women accountable and to not encourage any fuckery, to not encourage any disloyal behavior. As a matter of fact, if a girl like this wants to hang out with you, you’re going to say, “Well, you got a boyfriend. That would be inappropriate. If you’re ever single, I would absolutely love to. We could go out on a date, but you know, the quickest way for me to lose respect for you and lose interest in you is if you’re a disloyal woman. In other words, if you’re willing to cheat on your boyfriend with me or another guy, then I wouldn’t be interested in that at all. I wouldn’t be interested in you. You wouldn’t be somebody that I’d want to hang out with or get to know, because if you’re disloyal to him when you’re not happy, if you’re with me you’d be disloyal to me if you’re unhappy, and I’m just not OK with that,” but this guy is more focused on his feelings and his interest he has in her. Even his uncle is the one that turned him on to my work.

So he’s basically trying to use my work to rip off some other guy’s girlfriend. On top of that, he’s thirsting after a female bartender, which is one of the top five careers of women that cheat. This is why she’s not completely happy in her relationship, and since she’s a bartender and dudes are always coming in and she’s a woman, she’s going to talk and she’s going to open up. She’s going to share things about her life. The guy’s a regular and he’s going in there constantly. Most average guys don’t really give a shit if they’re married or have a boyfriend. They just care about the fact they want to get into girls pants, and that seems to be what this guy is focusing on. It’s just a bad way to go. It’s bad for everybody.

Viewer Email:

Hey Corey,

My uncle introduced me to your book last year. I’m almost done with sixth read but have got ways to go, and your videos have helped me stay grounded and purpose-driven, especially in situations like this one.

Well, you shouldn’t be in this one in the first place, but that’s beside the point.

I met a woman, early 30s, bartender, magnetic presence. I asked for her number not knowing she had a boyfriend. When I found out, I backed off and focused on staying centered. I’d stop by her bar occasionally, and she started noticing I wasn’t like the others. Called me a “Shaman,” and we had deep late-night talks.

Again, you’re still engaging with her and hanging out and lingering in the bar, hoping that she’s going to be with you. So you’re still giving her your energy and your romantic attention, instead of giving it to a woman who’s single and ready to mingle.

One night she even locked the door so we could keep talking.

Again, that tells me he’s kind of dopey and he’s hanging out longer than he should have. Remember, he’s the one saying, “Oh, I stayed centered.” It’s not really staying centered when you just constantly go to her place of work and hang out with her until closing time, and then she locks the door and keeps talking to you.

She began calling me, opening up about her life, her family, and her crazy ex before this guy. When we hung out back in August, she told me I’d see her place one day.

Oh, dangling the carrot.

I joked I wasn’t trying to be her stalker ex, and she said, “You can come anytime.”

Again, it’s like he doesn’t care that she’s got a boyfriend. He wants to get in her pants. This is a bad way to go, dude. You got to have some high character and some integrity. If you’re successful at hooking up with her when she’s with this guy, this is how she’ll treat you if she’s not happy.

She’s since sent pictures of her apartment and her travels, slowly letting me into her world.

Oh, you think he sounds like he’s pedestalizing her? “Oh, she led me into her world! Ooh, I got a chance!”

She’s also told me more than once that I make her feel grounded, something she doesn’t often get from others.

“Ooh, I make her feel grounded. Ooh, I’m important. She’s going to like me. I’m going to get an atta-boy from mommy.” Bad way to go, dude.

At one point she asked, “Are you OK with just being friends?” But cut herself off mid-sentence and said, “Let’s hang out.” Her boyfriend knew we were talking and hanging out.

Again it’s like bro, why are you doing this?

Later she invited me to a concert with him and their friends, but I didn’t go.

Yeah, because you didn’t feel comfortable. I mean, think about how if I was the boyfriend and you’re showing up, it’s like, “Oh, you’re the guy who’s trying to fuck my girlfriend.” Come on!

A month later, when I saw her again, she ran into my arms and kissed me. It happened again another time. She’s told me he wants to settle down, but she’s not ready and doesn’t want to hold him back since he’s fresh out of a divorce and she’s his first relationship since.

So what that tells me is her current boyfriend is way more into her than she’s into him, and she’s keeping her options open. So she’s got a little bit of a Frankenstein boyfriend project going on. She’s not completely committed to her boyfriend. She’s open to other men. She’s basically hanging out and talking to other guys, and he’s entertaining this. So congratulations dude, you are part of her Frankenstein Boyfriend project.

I told her, “Sounds like you already know the answer.” I also shared something I picked up from Charlie Munger, that the most important decision we make is who we choose to spend our life with.

Yeah, and you’re trying to be the guy who spends his life with a girl who’s clearly with the right opportunity, has no problem cheating on her boyfriend who wants to marry her. Meanwhile, from her perspective, she’s being honest because she told her boyfriend about this friend, the guy that wrote the email, and even invited the two of them together to see what happens. So in her mind, if she ever cheats on her boyfriend with this guy, it’s like, “Hey, she did tell him. She did tell him about this guy.” Again, if she cheats on him with you, she’ll cheat on you with somebody else when she’s not happy, and you’re encouraging this behavior because no one will ever do or say anything to you that you don’t invite them to do. So you’re encouraging this. You’re enabling it. You’re enabling disloyalty.

If I was her boyfriend, I wouldn’t want you around, but he clearly doesn’t have enough game and is not able to send her emotions into the stratosphere to where she’s in love with him and wants to be with him. It’s like she’s kind of partially monkey branching, because any man in your position would not be hanging out with her, talking to her or any of that. He would just be like, “Hey, if it doesn’t work out or you’re ever single again, hit me up. If I’m available still, we can go on a date, but I’m not going to get involved with you as long as you’re with that guy. It’s not appropriate for you to be calling me late at night,” or whatever, but he continually goes into her bar, continually entertains her on the phone. He’s waiting around with his thumb up his butt, hoping she changes her mind.

I’m staying focused on my business and not waiting around, but I’d love your take.

Appreciate what you do!

Bob

Well honestly, based on this woman’s behavior, it should disqualify her from consideration as a serious relationship anyways because again, she’s in one of the top five careers that cheat, this is exactly why. Her behavior is exactly why the hot female bartenders typically are not very loyal just because of what they do, because of their flirtatious nature and the way she is, is like she’s telling the boyfriend about other guys that are interested in her, that they’re just friends, but they’re just a friend until their dick ends up inside her. Then it’s like, “Oops, it just happened. I couldn’t say no.”

If I were you, I would not entertain it. If she reaches out to you and wants to talk, say, “I thought you had a boyfriend,” and she says, “Yeah, we’re still together, but I’m not really happy,” just say, “Well, if you’re not really happy, then the honorable thing to do would be to end your relationship, but I’m not going to be the reason why you leave your boyfriend. If you leave your boyfriend, you leave him because you’re not happy and you know you don’t want to be with him and he’s not the right guy for you. I’m not going to wait around, and I’m certainly not going to be your side piece. It’s inappropriate because again, if you’re willing to cheat on your boyfriend, you would cheat on me given the right circumstances. I don’t want to be with somebody that’s disloyal. I want a woman that wants to only be with me and that I can trust her. The behavior that you’re exhibiting or you basically seem to be intimating that you’re willing to entertain seems like you’re totally OK with this. If I was your boyfriend, I would not like the fact that you’re talking to other guys and giving out your phone number and doing all these things. That’s not a good way to go. So what you need to do is resolve your situation with your relationship. If you ever become single, please hit me up. I’d love to take you out. Until then, I can’t get involved with you.” Then if you completely walked away, she would test him more, he would flail, that would make it easy for her to leave him, and then she would get in touch with you, but when you do this, she’s got you, she’s got the boyfriend, now you’re part of her Frankenstein boyfriend project.

I know you say you’re not waiting around, but I can tell by the way you’re hanging on every word, you’re hanging out late at night, talking with her, you’re entertaining her on the phone, I know what you’re saying, but if I look at what you’re doing, well you’re still waiting around on her and you’re not really moving on, and you haven’t nipped it in the bud. You’re still open to being the emotional tampon, the gay male girlfriend. It’s just a lower integrity way to go and you should know better.

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen on any page, and book a coaching session with yours truly. Until next time, I will talk to you soon.