Am I Insecure or Is She Playing Me?

How to know if you are just being insecure or if you are getting played by a woman who’s incapable of being loyal. 

In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a viewer who has been with his girlfriend for about five years. They broke up after six months of being together, because she was talking to another guy and started dating him as soon as they broke up. He employed no contact and moved on with his life.

She later came back, and they have been together ever since. However, she now has another male coworker she talks to a lot, but she says he’s just a friend. He asks my opinion. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

This is one of those emails that we look at a woman’s true character; who is she, really? Like Gerald Celente of the Trends Research Institute says, “Current events form future trends.” The question is, does she or does she not belong to the streets?

Viewer’s Email:

Hello coach,  

I’ve been following you for many years and read your book multiple times. 

Obviously, he’s talking about “How To Be A 3% Man,” which you can read for free on my website, UnderstandingRelationships.com. Just subscribe to the email newsletter, and you can read it right in your web browser.

I’ve been with my current girlfriend for almost 5 years, and the relationship is good in general; we love each other, and until now, we feel the spark that we had in the beginning. In the first 6 months, I discovered that my girlfriend was talking to her coworker and sending him photos of herself, and she admitted to me that she was attracted to him. A few days later she broke up with me, but I also wanted to break up with her, so she was really surprised that I agreed and started questioning her decision.

Yeah, so that’s pretty disloyal behavior. That’s where you go, “Eject! Eject! Eject!” and you get out. That’s not good. What does that show you? Like what Maya Angelou said, “When somebody tells you who they are, believe them the first time.”

Like Gerald Celente says, “Current events form future trends.” You’ve probably heard me say many times in other videos, people don’t change who they are, but they may become a better version. A liar just becomes better at lying and getting away with it; they don’t all of a sudden become a person of integrity.

I directly applied the no contact rule and went on with my life, focusing on myself, yet of course heartbroken. A few months later she texted me and told me I’m the only one she wants, and she will never hide anything or lie to me again.

A few weeks later, and I discovered that she is still talking to that coworker and actually went out with a group of friends. I confronted her, and she promised he will be out of her life for good just so I don’t leave her, and she actually kept her promise, as far as I know, with my recourse that I don’t reveal.

We traveled together after it and had lots of good memories, and she’s always affectionate with me and keeps telling me how sexy and handsome I am all the time, buys me gifts, and loves my family and friends. But she has another coworker that she keeps talking to and sends pictures to him, and he replies with hot emojis. I asked why they talk a lot, and she said he is just a friend.

So, here we are about four and a half years after they had their first breakup, and history seems to be repeating itself. Isn’t that interesting? There’s another guy, “You don’t have to worry about him. He’s just a friend.” So, he’s just a friend until her interest in you drops. That’s what it looks like. Remember, her promise was, “Hey, I’m never going to do this again. I’ll never do anything to cause you to doubt me and my loyalty.” But she likes the attention. She invites the attention.

It’s not appropriate for your girlfriend or your wife to be sending selfies to other men. It’s just not. Women who are doing that are seeking attention and validation from other men, and typically what causes that is women who grew up with either no father, no father figure, no strong masculine father figure in their lives, or a father that they had a really bad relationship with.

So, they didn’t get enough strokes, they didn’t get enough ‘That a girl’s,’ didn’t get enough pats on the head, didn’t get enough ‘I love you’s.’ The self-esteem wasn’t fully developed as in somebody that grew up in a healthy family that got plenty of strokes as a kid. So, she seeks it out from other men.

And so, this kind of behavior – a chick sending selfies to you or any other guy and you replying to it, that guy likes the selfies – she likes the attention. That’s not appropriate. That’s just no bueno. But he’s “just a friend”… until she decides he’s more than a friend. “Oops, it just happened. He slipped on the bed and his penis ended up inside me. It just happened; I didn’t do anything.”

I had to snoop and see the conversation. There’s nothing that tells me she is cheating; in fact, she sends him photos of me with her and he says, “How cute.” I’m very uncomfortable about it, and I told her about it, and yet she hasn’t changed the way she talks to him. In fact, she told him that I’m not comfortable about her spending time with him, but he responded that he wants to meet me to fix my image of him.  

The idea is you have to take a step back and go, “Huh. Current events form future trends. Here we are four and a half years later, and the same thing is happening.” Well, what do you guys think? Let me know what do you guys think in the comments before I give my verdict.

My question: is it that I’m insecure and still holding onto the past that she is cheating on me, or should I trust my guts that there is something going on behind my back?

Please respond; you’re the only opinion I trust.  

Bob 

So, if it were me, obviously your Spidey sense is going “This ain’t right.” There’s nothing honorable in her soliciting attention from other men, and especially sending selfies to other dudes. This is a male orbiter that she likes keeping around, because he obviously likes her, she likes the attention that she gets from him. So, if things go sideways between the two of you, who do you think she’s going to be talking to all the time? Who do you think is going to be consoling her all the time? It’s going to be this beta male orbiter. That’s what’s going to be happening. And then that’ll be the dude that she’ll be sleeping with.

So as a man, I’m not telling you to stay with her, or dump her, or whatever, because this is your life and only you know what you feel inside, you have to decide, “Do I want to stay in a relationship with a woman who is going to continually do this?” Because she did say she wasn’t going to do it anymore, but yet she continues doing it.

And you took her back, at the end of the day. So, when you take somebody back after this kind of behavior, whether they say they’ll never do it again or not, whether you realize it or not, you’re enabling the behavior. You’re saying, “Hey, it’s okay. I forgave you for that.” Well, if you forgive her once, you’ll probably forgive her again. And so, here’s that same behavior.

The harsh reality is this guy is just a friend until you slip up. And when you slip up and her attraction drops, what do you think is going to happen? Probably the same thing that happened with the first guy. Because at the end of the day, after five years, you should not even have to have these kinds of conversations with this girl.

This is who she is. She’s insecure. She needs the attention and validation from other men. She’s continuing to seek it out, just like she did the first time around. The only difference is now, she says there’s nothing going on, and from the text exchange, it doesn’t look like anything’s happening now, but your Spidey sense is going, “This shit ain’t right.”

So, the bottom line is it’s not appropriate for your girlfriend to be sending selfies to other dudes. And so, this is how she behaves. And these guys are going to be just friends until you slip up. So, do you trust yourself that you’re going to be absolutely perfect and always apply what’s in “How To Be A 3% Man“?

I know myself, personally, I slip up. It happens. It happens to all of us. So, it’s unrealistic to think you’re going to be perfect for the rest of your life. And when you’re not perfect, what’s going to happen? Are you okay, say, down the road, you’ve got kids with a woman like this, and these are the kinds of things that she’s doing? If you’re cool with that, hey, stay with her, but if it was me and I saw this behavior, “Check, please.”

That’s how it’s how it is. You have to decide, “Do I want to sleep with one eye open the rest of my life? Do I want to pull the plug? Do I want to have an open relationship? Fuck buddy, friends with benefits?” Because you’ve got five years of history with this girl; you’re not going to change her, this is who she is.

So, you have to decide, are you going to be cool twenty years from now seeing this kind of behavior? You know, maybe when you have kids, or you’ve got a house together. Or maybe you live in a state where the laws are kind of slanted and not in your favor as a man, so if you decide to not stay together, it’s going to be very expensive and unpleasant to get out of it.

It’s up to you. You’ve got to know your downside risk. This chick will be loyal as long as she’s happy. But as soon as you slip up, she’s going to be spending time with guys like this who are “Just a friend. You don’t have to worry about him.”

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen, and book a coaching session with yours truly.

“Most women won’t cheat when their romantic interest is high in their boyfriends or husbands. However, devious women who have no integrity and are liars will start inviting attention from other men when they have doubts about their relationships to line up a replacement to monkey branch to if they decide to leave. Love cannot exist where there is no trust. Trust is the hardest thing to get and the easiest thing to lose. Men who choose to stay with women like this will have to sleep with one eye open and will never feel at ease as long as they are together.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne 

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