Am I Insecure Or Is She Untrustworthy?

How to know if you are being insecure or if the woman you are dating is too untrustworthy for a relationship.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a 27 year old viewer who is dating a 21 year old woman he met on the dating app Hinge about 5 weeks ago. She asked for exclusivity 3 weeks into dating and said she wanted to be boyfriend and girlfriend. She has a lot of male orbiters and other guys she was seeing before him. However, despite the fact they are exclusive, she still displays behavior that is consistent with a woman who is keeping her options open. She hides her phone when he walks into the room and it’s obvious she is still snap-chatting other guys and lying about it. He asks my opinion. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

Hi, I’m Coach Corey Wayne and this is my video coaching newsletter. And the topic of today’s newsletter is going to be, Am I Insecure Or Is She Untrustworthy?

Well, if you have to ask, unfortunately, there’s a lot of dodgy behavior. This guy is 27. He’s been seeing a girl who’s 21 for about five weeks now. And he met her on Hinge, the Dating app. And three weeks into dating, she asked for exclusivity. However, he’s noticing a lot of behavior that communicates she’s still in contact with a bunch of the other male orbiters.

So, before they became exclusive and when she asked him about becoming exclusive, he was like, “Hey, you got obviously a lot of dudes that you’re talking to. I see you on Snapchat with them all the time. You’re wanting to be exclusive with me, but you’re constantly texting other guys.” So, it’s like, “Why do you want to be exclusive when you’re obviously keeping your options open?”

And she’s like, “Well, I didn’t know where you stood.” And she basically puts it back on him as if it’s his fault. But then again, it really is our fault because we’re supposed to be the leader. And a lot of guys don’t like that. They don’t like having 100% ownership of everything in their life. It’s much easier to go, “Oh, it’s modern women.

That’s the problem. It’s not me.” But you invited her into your life. You’re the one who decided to date her. You’re the one that decided to become exclusive with her. And so now we’re a couple months into it. We’re about five weeks into it, and it’s pretty obvious that she’s still Snapchatting with other dudes because he’ll walk out of the room and then a few minutes later walk back in and she’s on her phone.

And then as soon as he walks back in, she basically puts her phone back down. And he can tell she’s Snapchatting with somebody. So, it looks like she’s lying to him and being devious. And this is part of the vetting process. We’re trying to find out, is this somebody who’s trustworthy?

Because it looks like she’s continuing to keep her options open and is happy to lie to him about it and cover it up, because she’s gotten him to agree to exclusivity while she continues to give other men the impression that she’s potentially available for sex and romance with them.

Or maybe she’s just insecure, has daddy issues and loves inviting attention from other men, can’t control herself. And there was never a man in her life to teach her these things. But that’s not really your problem. Your job is to vet her, to determine whether or not she’s capable of honoring her commitment and being loyal and faithful.

Viewer’s Email:

Dear Coach,

First off, I want to thank you for your knowledge on relationships and life coaching as it’s improved my life greatly. I met a woman on Hinge 5 weeks ago. She’s 21 and I’m 27. Everything has moved pretty fast at her pace since, we had sex on the second date.

Remember, most women are going to sleep with a guy by the second or third date.

She has pursued me 100% of the time since the beginning with texts and calls. She also initiates 90% of the physical touch when we are together & I reciprocate. We also have sex very frequently.

Seems like she’s really into him, right?

We see each other at least 4-5 times a week with her coming over my place in the evenings after work and I take her on a date once a week. After 3 weeks of dating consistently she asked me to be exclusive, I asked her what she meant, and she said she only wants to date and talk to me and be boyfriend girlfriend. I told her that I notice that she has a bunch of guys always snap chatting her, so I asked her why she wants to be in a relationship with me if she still feels the need to talk to other guys.

What a great question, dude, that is. That’s great that you brought that up. But what was her response?

She said because she didn’t know where things were going so, she was keeping her options open.

That sounds plausible, but it’s like if you’re trying, my next statement would have been, well, you say you want to be exclusive with me, but it’s obvious you’re keeping your options open. And so, why should I be exclusive with you or agree to be exclusive when it’s obvious you’re talking to other men and keeping your options open.

It would seem to me if you’re trying to convince me that I need to be exclusive with you, you’ll be doing that when all these other guys are out of the picture. Not before. So, if you’re keeping your options open and you’re still dating and talking to other guys even though we’re sleeping together. Why should I take you seriously that you want to be exclusive?

Because your actions don’t look like you’ve decided amongst all the other guys that you’ve met or are dating that I’m the one for you. It looks like, I’m just one of the possibilities. And plus we’ve only been dating for three weeks, so it’s kind of soon to be asking for exclusivity. So if I’d have seen that, I wouldn’t have been agreeing to be exclusive with her behavior being the way it is.

She comes to me with her problems, I listen, and she tells me I help a lot, and she feels better. So, I believe I am being the rock and doing a good job of opening her up.

Yeah, but at the end of the day, does she keep her word? Is she loyal? Is she displaying the characteristics and values and traits of a woman who actually values loyalty? It kind of looks like you’re just one of the dudes in a rotation. That’s what it really looks like.

I hear what you’re saying. “Oh, I’m keeping these other guys around because I don’t know what’s up with you.” It’s like, well, if you are at the point where you’re bringing up exclusivity but you’re still talking to these other guys, and that would tell me that you’re still unsure.

And I’m not going to be exclusive to somebody that’s unsure. I want you to be 100%. I got rid of all those other guys. When a woman’s in love, she’ll get rid of the other dudes. They’ll just blow them off because she’s with you all the time.

But even though she’s with you at least four nights a week, sometimes five nights a week, I guess. She’s still keeping her options open. So, if we just bottom line her actions, it’s like she’s saying she wants exclusivity, but her actions are the actions of a woman who’s not exclusive.

She’s very submissive, sweet, showers me with compliments etc. She also is making future plans with me.

Now here’s the rub. I noticed a guy popped up in her phone as a Snapchat notification. I said, “So you’re still talking to other guys?” She said, “No I told him to leave me alone.” I left it at that. Since then, she has now turned off the notifications to where you can’t see the name of who snap chatted her, which I find odd because it makes it seem like she’s hiding things.

Yeah, I would say that to her. I was like, “Well, I noticed that you turned off the name notifications and that just looks like you’re hiding something from me. It’s like your behavior is not the behavior of a woman who is trying to be loyal to me.

Your behavior is the behavior of somebody that’s trying to deceive me on some level. It’s like if you really don’t want to be exclusive. I’m happy to continue dating other girls, but don’t tell me to my face that you want to be exclusive, and you cut off contact with all these guys, and yet you’re constantly hiding your phone because dudes are Snapchatting you.” It’s like. Come on, seriously?

I’ve also noticed that when I leave the room, for example to get a glass of water and come back, she’s on her phone snap chatting then quickly puts it away.

Yeah, that’s. That’s not good. That just looks like she’s a liar and she’s not trustworthy. And you should call her out on that. You should say, “Hey, you know, it’s obvious that you’re still seeing other guys and you’re still talking to them. You made a commitment that you weren’t. But yet every time I walk into the room, you’re on your phone Snapchatting somebody and you immediately put the phone away like you’re trying to hide it.”

It’s like, those are not the actions of a woman who blew all these guys off for me. Those are the actions of a girl who’s trying to deceive me and make me think that she’s not talking to these other guys. But I walk out of the room for two minutes and I come back in and you’re always Snapchatting somebody. So; I mean, we don’t have to be exclusive, but I’m not going to be exclusive with you if you’re still going to do this crap.

You’re just going to be one of the girls I’m dating. Because it’s obvious I’m just one of the guys that you’re dating. From your actions. I hear what you’re saying. It sounds nice, but when I see the way you behave on your phone, it’s pretty clear something else is going on. So, let’s just be real.

If you’re going to continue this behavior, I’m not going to be exclusive with you. Because a woman winning your commitment should be because she earned it, and you gave it up way too early. When her behavior didn’t justify it. When she said, “Oh, I was keeping my options open because I didn’t know what we were going to do.”

I was like, “Well, you know, in the future, if you’re trying to win me over and get me to be exclusive and not talk to any other girls, you’re going to have to show me that you’ve chosen me and you only want to be with me.”

And the fact that you’re keeping your options open with other guys shows to me that you’re not there yet and that’s fine. But I’m not going to be exclusive with you. And then you behave this way, we’ll see where we are in a few weeks or another month or so. But right now, your behavior shows that you’re keeping your options open.

So, I’m going to do the same. And until I see behavior from you that would justify me not talking to other girls because it’s clear you’re talking to other guys. So that’s where he screwed up. Three weeks in, he just kind of brushed it under the rug and thought, okay, well, I’ll be exclusive with her. But it looks like now she just being more devious and hiding it from you. So, if it looks like a duck, it walks like a duck. It sounds like a duck. It’s probably a duck. Yeah.

I’ve also noticed that when I leave the room, for example to get a glass of water and come back, she’s on her phone snap chatting then quickly puts it away.

Am I Insecure or Is She Not Trustworthy?

Thanks for everything!

Love Bob

Well, just from what you shared, it doesn’t look like she’s very trustworthy. And it also looks like you may have a value system conflict here because her actions are not the actions of a woman who values exclusivity, loyalty, monogamy. And the fact that you committed to her, and yet she’s still behaving the same way and now she’s hiding it from you. That’s not a good look.

And I would call her out on it. And if she says, “Oh, I blew all those guys off,” I was like, “Great, why don’t you open up Snapchat right now and let me see all the messages?” And if she refuses, then you’re going to be like, well, she’s obviously still talking to other guys. And then you can say, Great. See what I mean? You obviously have something to hide. So, I can tell from your actions that you’re not being loyal to me.

And since you’re not being loyal to me, I’m not going to be loyal to you. You’re just going to be one of the girls I’m dating. Until I see your behavior change dramatically, there’s no way I’m going to be exclusive with you. And quite frankly, I don’t think this woman is capable of exclusivity, of being exclusive, monogamous, loyal and faithful, and most importantly, honest. It looks like she’s a liar. That’s what it looks like.

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly. Until next time, I will talk to you soon.