Am I Losing My Game? Casual Dating Vs. Looking For A Relationship

Why casual dating leads to long term relationships but looking for a relationship scares women away.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a viewer who says he’s been focused on casual dating and not looking for anything serious for the past few years. However, now that he is approaching 30 he’s changed his focus to looking for a relationship. This has changed his vibe and his approach and he recently got a text from a girl he liked saying she wasn’t interested.

He says it’s been a long time since he got rejected and asks if he’s losing his game because he’s now focused on a relationship and being serious. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

This particular email is from a guy who says he’s been following me for a while and he’s been doing really well. He kind of has, as he puts it, the fuckboy attitude. He’s been hanging out, having fun and hooking up with random women, but now he’s approaching 30 and he says he is transitioning his life from being focused on casual dating to looking and playing the field to looking for a girlfriend or wife material. So his attitude has changed, his vibe has changed, and his interactions and how he approaches women have changed. So he goes from being fun and playful and mysterious to being serious. So what he’s noticed is that as he’s become more serious and relationship focused, like recently, he just got a woman that texted him, “I’m not interested,” and he says it’s been a long time since that happened, he’s like, “Am I losing my game? What’s going on here?”

The interesting thing is, all relationships start out as casual affairs. You meet, you go on a date, you hang out, you have fun while you’re hanging out, and usually by the second or third date, typically here in the West, the woman’s going to sleep with you. As the weeks go by and you apply what’s in 3% Man, what happens? You just do like a once a week type of date, taking measured steps, just moving slightly slower than the girl is going, what happens is she starts calling more, texting more, usually after you’ve slept together. Then you go from seeing each other once a week to twice a week, maybe three times a week, and then you get into week six or seven, she’s developing feelings, she starts asking or hinting at, “Hey, where is this going? What are your intentions?” That kind of thing. Then eventually that rolls into the relationship conversation, you become exclusive, and shortly after that, she’s pretty much going to be stuck to you like a sucker fish, she’s going to want your attention all the time. So that’s just the process.

That’s why just casually dating and dating multiple women, because quite frankly, every pretty girl typically has lots of guys that want to date her. So she has lots of choices and lots of options, and she’s looking for the best guy for her. For men, it should be the same way. You casually date until a girl comes along to where, say you’re dating three or four girls, and then you meet a girl that really knocks your socks off that you really click well with and you click on a level that you haven’t with anybody in a long time. Or oftentimes, if you’re new to my work, 3% Man, it’s never happened before where you’ve been able to attract and keep a woman like that interested and then have her fall in love with you. So as the weeks go by, these other girls that you’re casually dating, they just kind of fall by the wayside because you start spending more and more time with the girl you really like and you really click with. It’s just a natural process.

So what this guy has done, because he’s like, “Now I’m looking for a wife. I’m not just looking to casually date and hook up,” he has become more relationship focused, more serious, expresses his intentions about a relationship, and typically he’s doing that at a time where he’s just putting the cart before the horse. The woman is just simply not at that same place. She’s not ready. So his behavior has changed. He’s previously had the vibe of like, the head honcho.

You must love in such a way that the person you love feels free. If you’re focused on a relationship and locking a girl down, you start to have the same kind of problems where the guy that over pursues does, you start to smother a woman. It’s a fact of life that women like you more if they think they’re way more into you than you are into them. If it’s the other way around, they got all the power and then you get flaky behavior, they’re kind of cold and distant, they just like you more. If they think they’re more into you than you are into them, that’s the best place to be. So this guy kind of changed his approach and kind of reverted back to probably the way he was before and he’s starting to push women away and he’s going, “What the hell, am I losing my game?”

Viewer’s Email:

Hi Coach,

Thank you for your work. You’ve improved my life and helped me date plenty of beautiful women, and get them to chase me (from ex-cheerleaders to yoga instructors).

Well, flexible women are appreciated.

I’m now approaching 30 and transitioning my life from being hyper-focused on casual dating and playing the field, to more so actively searching for a girlfriend of “Wife-material.”

Well again, it should be casual, not attached, “Take it or leave it.” If you’re the prize, if you’re the catch, then may the best woman win. If you’re trying to zero in or focus in on one woman specifically, you’re just too serious, too soon type of vibe that you’re giving off. A lot of guys, because we tend to be visual creatures, we meet a girl we really like and we’re like, “That’s perfect. This is the girl I’m going to marry,” even though you may have just been on the first date. If you start communicating that to a girl on the first date or the first couple of dates, she’s going to be like, “You don’t even know me. How can you make those kinds of decisions?” That’s actually going to be counterproductive and push her away.

It’s a scientific fact that women are more attracted to men whose feelings are unclear. If you’re too clear up front about how you feel, especially when you communicate that you’re way more into her than she’s into you, they’re all typically going to back off. If you’re dealing with a girl that’s got attachment issues, they’re going to back off for even longer than a normal, healthy girl would. Keep that in mind.

Again, everything starts out as casual, so you should not be changing your approach. What you should be doing is being more focused on vetting because it really matters a lot. Probably the most important thing is, “Did the father do a good job?” I do lots of phone sessions with guys like, “She’s really close to her dad. She loves her family, loves her mom, their parents are still together. They have a good relationship.” Then when you dive deeper into it, you find out that dad is kind of a pussy and a pushover, and the wife basically browbeats him into submission, or she nags him into submission, or she just keeps harping on what she wants, she doesn’t respect the man’s authority and eventually he just caves because he wants to go along to get along. What happens is the daughters grow up seeing dad being a pushover, and all you have to do is badger a man and eventually he’ll just give in. Then when they start dating guys, that’s what they expect, because that’s what they learn. That’s what they were taught. That’s what they’re emotionally conditioned and anchored to expecting.

So guys that get involved with women like that, it’s like a little bit too much boss girl energy and often times it feels like you’re dating another guy, another man, even though it may be a beautiful woman that you’re with, she’s basically jockeying for control in the relationship. If you’re too soft and squishy and you let her push you around and treat you like a doormat, it’s not going to go well. So you always have to have the attitude that you’re the prize, you’re the catch. It doesn’t mean being arrogant. It can be kind of cocky, funny, playful and humorous because love is playful and fun. It’s not overly serious. That’s a big important you got you know. Whatever is modeled at home by the parents is typically how the woman is going to behave.

I talked to a lot of guys that they’re projecting their fantasy out of the girl, and they’re ignoring the fact that because they just look, “Oh, the parents are together, they’re a happy family,” when you really dive deeply into it, and I discuss specific behaviors, how does the mother treat the father? Does she push him around? Does she get her way all the time? Does she just badger him, nag him or hound him until he just is like, “Alright, fuck it. Whatever. We’ll do what you want,” just to get her off his back? If that is what the girl learns, when you tell her no or you set and enforce a healthy boundary, she’s not going to respect it because the mother never respected the father’s boundaries. So that’s something really super important to look for in girls that come from broken homes.

I was doing a phone session with a guy the other night, dating a woman that comes from a broken home. The mother got involved in some things that were like, “wow,” and he wonders why he was dating an overly emotional chick that would just blow her top all the time and cause drama. This is a guy who’s a pretty good student of my work, but he’s projecting his fantasy of what he wanted because he was ready for a girlfriend at the time, and he just completely ignored the fact that the woman was a hothead. She would get pissed about whatever, whenever, and then cause drama, cause a problem or cause a fight just because that was her nature, because that was the chaos she grew up in, that’s normal. So when things are going well, it doesn’t feel normal to her and she’s got to fuck shit up because fucking things up seems normal to her. When you’re with a woman like that, it makes you question yourself.

You want a woman who’s easy going, easy to get along with, who submits to you, who respects your authority, who respects men, who respects her father’s authority. She doesn’t browbeat him into submission. She doesn’t nag him until he eventually just throws his hands up and is like, “Fuck it, all right? Just do whatever you want.” You want a woman who will respect your authority. Again, easy going, easy to get along with. The man, the father, needs to be the head of the household. Just because they’re together, doesn’t mean it’s a healthy relationship. If he’s getting walked all over and treated like a doormat, that’s how the daughter is going to try to treat you.

So you got to pay attention to these things. You can’t just project your fantasy and go, “Oh wow, she’s got the perfect face and body and we have a good time together, and the sex is out of this world. Best I ever had,” and you ignore all the drama and the other shit, or the fact that she comes from a broken home, or everybody that she hangs out with is lying and cheating on their boyfriends or their spouses, “Girl’s night out,” that kind of shit. Is she family oriented? Does she have the same goals and value system that you have? Does she love kids? Does she want a big family? Is she close to her family? Is she good with kids? Does she like being around children? You got to pay attention to all these things.

Per your book’s instructions, I’ve written out my list of qualities I want and don’t want and it’s been helping me settle into my new purpose and perspective on what’s most-newly important to me. 

You want to keep doing the casual dating. Again, whatever you focus on tends to expand. What you’re going to need to do is to turn and burn. You’re going to be able, when you recognize that a woman doesn’t have the goals and the value system or the temperament, she’s not easy going, easy to get along with, or she’s constantly challenging you on everything and questioning you and countermanding you, you got to be able to dip from that, not sit there and try to work with somebody that’s constantly fighting you for control and the relationship.

You got to pay attention to what you’re getting back. It’s great that you’re doing casual dating. The only difference is you just need to be a little bit more selective in who you let stick around, who you let stay on your practice squad. In a couple of months you’re going to have the summer training and then you get into pre-season, and what are the NFL teams doing? They’re always churning their practice squad. Some other teams are poaching some of their players. Some people do well. They’re on the bubble. They get called up to the active roster. Some people get dropped and there’s always new people coming in. Maybe you’re poaching somebody else’s practice squad. Point being is you need to turn your practice squad and you keep churning it until a woman comes along who’s so awesome, who’s so amazing and so easy going, easy to get along with, communicates well, actually comes from a good family, is tight with her mom and dad, listens to her dad, trusts her dad’s authority, when dad says, “This is what we’re doing,” that’s it. There’s no badgering them until he gives up a few weeks later.

So you got to pay attention to these things. That’s all you really need to do. You don’t say, “I’m going to be serious. I’m only going to date girls that I think are wife material.” Just continue to date the same way you were dating, but evaluate their character and constantly be churning, constantly be focused on what you want. When you recognize that some of the girls in your practice squad are not good candidates, you got to drop them and then you bring some new ones in because maybe they’ll step up. They’ll be the right girls for you.

So as this process has become my new source of truth, it feels like I am shedding certain layers of karma in the process. According to David Deida…

who wrote The Way of the Superior Man.

…This is all just a part of becoming a superior man.

With that, I recently received my first, “I’m not interested,” text in a very, very long time.

Probably because you were too serious. Maybe it’s like you had a stick up your ass. You were too serious, too focused on a relationship, locking that particular girl down to a commitment, communicating that you’re way more into her than she’s into you. You’ve already decided that, “Hey, she’s the one.” Women have the attitude of, “Hey, I’ll go out with this guy and see what happens. See if I like him. Is he good for me?” That kind of thing.

Most guys, especially when they meet a girl they really like, they project their fantasy of what the ideal woman is and they just assume she’s the perfect girl. So it’s like right away you’re like, “Hey, here’s a Super Bowl trophy, honey. You won!” It’s like, “We just met. What the fuck are you doing?” When you do that, you’re going to chase any girl away. The Super Bowl, the wedding ring, being your girlfriend, that has to be something that she’s got to work for, she’s got to earn. It’s something that takes time. You don’t just give it to her. So when you just give her everything right up front, she’s not going to appreciate it.

Again, guys that have choices and options, they’re going to be selective. They’re going to take time to evaluate. They’re going to vet properly. They’re not going to just jump into a relationship with anybody, and they’re not going to just be relationship focused. They’re open to it. They know what they want. They know what they’re looking for. Until the right girl comes along, it’s like, play ball. Let the best girl win.

It made me realize that if my game were as energetic and casual as it used to be when I was less intentional, she likely would not have run off like that; as I’m a young Jedi master of your work.

I would say, like I said earlier, you’re reverting back to some of those old behaviors. You’re probably a little bit smothering, overbearing, too much, too soon, too serious, too soon. Instead of being the playful, fun guy who is mysterious in a challenge that she had to figure out. Again, it’s a scientific fact that women are more attracted to men whose feelings are unclear.

So my question for you, is now that I am dating more intentionally, how do I balance that with the spontaneous, energetic, borderline-danger-ensuing game that I used to have?

Don’t change anything other than vetting. That’s it. You just need to drop girls from your practice squad a little quicker than you have been as soon as you recognize they don’t have the right value system and constantly be bringing new ones on. Constantly be searching, constantly be churning, the right girl will come along and the others will just naturally fall away. What’s happened is you basically reverted right back to dudes that are stuck in a pussy embargo, and they just smother and focus on one girl at a time. When you do that, you end up just chasing her right out of your life.

I feel like my old ways scare off women that are dating with intention, and my new ways sorta lack the appeal I used to have.

My question is, what’s the best way to balance the maturation process with the borderline fuckboy attitude that used to do me so well?

Thanks coach,

Bob

Again, you’ve changed your approach. You’re not acting like the same guy. You’re no longer acting like a guy who has lots of choices and lots of options. There’s probably a little bit of an air of desperation and fearfulness and worry that you’re going to lose a girl, especially when you meet a girl you really like. That’s why, just like the book says, you got to treat them all the same because you don’t know what you don’t know. People can hide who they are for the first 90 days of a relationship. If you come along and you just project your fantasy of what you want out of the girl, you’re going to completely blind yourself to any red flags.

I see that over and over in my phone sessions. Guys meet a girl they really like and they go goo-goo gaga-gaga over her right away. Then they totally suspend their ability to look at her character and vet her because the fantasy gets in the way and they ignore the red flags because they see the fantasy. Even when I’m doing phone sessions, as I’m talking to guys, they’re trying to explain to me, “Oh, she’s great. Her family’s incredible. I’d love to have them be grandparents to my kids.” Then when we get into it, it turns out that dad is actually a pussy, and all the women in the family walk all over him. That’s why the girl is trying to walk all over you and push you around. You’re letting her, and she’s getting away with it. She’s disrespecting you because you allow her to do that. Remember, no one will ever do or say anything to you that you don’t invite them to do. Definitely something to think about. So I would get back to what you were doing that was so successful. Just be more focused on vetting and dropping girls from your practice squad when they don’t measure up.

I would encourage you, if you’re watching this on YouTube, underneath in the video description below where I think it says “show more” in the description, we’ve got a lot of Members Only content now that we’re posting six additional video newsletters for paying members to YouTube, Spotify and my website. If you subscribe on the website, you get the benefit of the email analysis, which is also on there. Underneath in the video, there are links to subscribe on my website, to subscribe on Spotify, if you prefer to listen or watch on Spotify, and also for YouTube.

We got the six additional video newsletters. We’re doing a 3% Man Study Group with me and the girls because the girls have read the book, Chunky has read the book, I’ve got some other guests that I got, James Lalino, who we filmed with yesterday. So he’s going to be, I think, in episode six. So we released four of these episodes so far. We’re just sitting there, we’re going page-by-page through the book. I think we’ve got six episodes we’re in and we’re still like on page 55. So we’re really doing an in-depth study of the book and anything the girls read through, they’re like, “What? What’s this? I disagree with this,” or “This is so profound,” or whatever. We’re really discussing the book in-depth because again, it’s a study group.

We’re doing the same thing with Mastering Yourself. We filmed one episode of that so far. Plus, all the podcasts that I’ve done with the girls, where we’re answering viewer questions, like the short viewer questions that people typically submit through Instagram stories. When we run those, we usually get like 300 or 400 responses every time we do that. Normally what we’ve done in the past is we answer 10 or 12 questions, we would produce 10 or 12 short videos on those individual questions. People were like, “Hey, where can I watch the whole podcast?” So we’ve got the whole film day, we’ve got those also in the Members Area on my website, on YouTube and Spotify. Again, the links are right below if you’re watching this on YouTube. If you would like to subscribe, we’d love to have you.

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly. Until next time, I will talk to you soon.