Am I Part Of Her Frankenstein Boyfriend Project?

How to respond if you discover you are part of a woman’s Frankenstein boyfriend project.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a viewer who became part of a woman’s Frankenstein boyfriend project. She has been with her boyfriend for 11 years and they are long distance. He says they became best friends over the past 6 months and confessed their feelings for each other. However, he’s in limbo and she’s still with her boyfriend. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

Hi, I’m Coach Corey Wayne and this is my Video Coaching Newsletter. And the topic of today’s Newsletter is going to be, “Am I Part Of Her Frankenstein Boyfriend Project?”

Well, if you have to ask, you probably are. So this particular email is from a guy he met a girl he’s been hanging out with her I guess she came to his birthday party about six months ago, and they started becoming best friends hanging out. But she’s got a boyfriend of like 11 years. Apparently she’s not happy with him, but he’s like long distance, so he’s kind of stuck in limbo.

And this is the kind of thing pretty much every guy is going to encounter in his life. You’re going to meet a girl, you’re going to click with her, you’re going to have a connection with her, but she’s going to have a boyfriend. I, you know, especially when I was younger, my teenage years, my 20s, this was something I noticed a lot, but I didn’t know any better. I just thought, “hey, just like in the movies, Eventually you’re going to get your shot and you’re going to be together, and then you’re going to live happily ever after.”

But in the real world, you kind of get stuck in limbo land. What’s up, Rocket Man? So if you hear a lot of a scrum in the background, all the puppies, all five of them are out in the living room. They’re probably pissing and shitting everywhere right now, and Momo’s probably eating and playing with the turd, so that’ll be fun to clean up afterwards. Hopefully not, but. So let’s go to our regularly scheduled email.

So this guy’s kind of in limbo because she, I guess, tried breaking up with her boyfriend over the phone and so he flew to see her and she’s like, “Eh. I don’t know.” And this is why you don’t get involved with women that are either in the middle of a divorce or they’re kind of with somebody because there’s a lot of things that she gets from her boyfriend, but she doesn’t get the complete man that she wants. And so he ends up becoming part of her “Frankenstein Boyfriend Project.”

And what happens is you in other words, he fulfills the emotional and the mental connection that she’s not getting with her boyfriend. But at the end of the day, she’s still with the boyfriend and she’s still sleeping with that guy. And I guess all they’ve actually done is, to cuddle, which, you know, when you’re spending that much time on the phone all the time. Again, these are all things he should not be doing. But, you know, I know there’s always a lot of new people coming in.

And these are the kinds of scenarios. Doesn’t matter whether you’re 20 or you’re 60 years old. Guys that don’t know any better get stuck in these kind of traps, if you will. And it usually doesn’t go anywhere except giving you a bad case of blue balls. And wasting time can waste years of your life. I mean, I’ve done plenty of emails over the years where guys like stuck in friend zone, nine, ten, 12 years. Absurd. But it happens. So we want to avoid those things and not waste our life.

Viewer Email:

Hello Coach,

I have been listening to your videos for a long time and learning a lot from you over the years. I would really appreciate your insight on this situation. I have been best friends with this girl for the last 6 months. we became acquainted through a mutual friend at my birthday party and became really close friends. We then started texting every day and seeing each other once a week. 

Obviously guys brand new to my work because you guys have been here, you know, the phones for setting dates and you also shouldn’t try to mow another guy’s lawn. But he’s young, he’s naive. Seen too many Disney movies, probably. In the Disney movies it always works out, but in the real world, you waste a lot of time, a lot of emotional and mental energy just getting nowhere and spinning your wheels.

She would always tell me how miserable she has been for the last 2 years in her relationship.

You know, women that are in these situations, they’re doing the same thing. The guys going, “oh, my wife is this. My wife is that.” “Well, why don’t you leave her?” “Oh, it’s not the right time. In the fall after; you know, we get her depression addressed.” There’s always some other excuse. But at the end of the day, it’s just an excuse to buy time. Because if you bottom line, somebody’s actions, like, in this case, this girl, what’s she doing? She’s staying with the boyfriend.

But she sure appreciates you being the emotional tampon and being there for her when her boyfriend is not. So you become part of her Frankenstein boyfriend project. So there will be a guy she’s actually sleeping with. There’s a guy that fulfills emotional mental energy. There might even be a third guy. That’s the hairy Honda that fixes her toilet, rotates the tires in her cars, changes the battery, fixes things around the house. So if there’s two, there’s usually a third one, but not always. But that’s what’s going on here.

This guy is basically the Frankenstein Boyfriend project. And so when you stay engaged with somebody like this, instead of just saying, “Hey, I really like you, I think we got a great connection, but you got a boyfriend, so it’s just not appropriate for us to hang out and be talking all the time if you have a man. I mean, these are conversations you need to have with your boyfriend, not me. I’m honored that you want to have them with me, but that’s something for your man. And if you’re not happy and you say it doesn’t work out and you guys end up splitting up and you leave them, I mean, hit me up. And if I’m still available, we can go out on a date. But I’m not going to be your friend. I just it’s inappropriate.”

And if you do that and you move and you walk away. In other words, you stop hanging out with her and stop giving her all that attention. What happens is then she withdraws from the boyfriend. Then he starts to pursue and the more he pursues and chases and you’re not doing anything, the more. And then as she comes back and you’re like, “well, are you still with him? Well, yeah, we’re still talking. It’s like, hey, like I said, I’m not going to get involved. You’re still with this guy. So you need to resolve that. And once you’ve resolved it, then hit me up. But I’m not going to get in the middle of it.

It’s just it’s not appropriate. And I want a woman that can be loyal, because if you’re going to be disloyal to him, then you’ll be disloyal to me, and that’s a deal breaker. I won’t even get involved with you. So if you want a chance to date me, then you got to finish that relationship and end it. If you if you’re certain that you don’t want to be with the guy anymore and then hit me up because it’s inappropriate to continue.” And then what happens? She pulls away from the guy more. She tests some more. He flails around, makes it easy for her to dump him.

Then she comes to you, “Oh, we could be together”. And then you hang out, have fun and hook up. But in this case, you got to let her do 100% of the calling, texting and pursuing. Because if you pursue in a woman that’s in this kind of situation, What will happen as the weeks go by; because you know, this guy’s been with her 11 years, so he’s emotionally bonded to her. And this guy’s known her for six months. So the boyfriend’s got all the leverage, and he has basically none. That’s why you have to let her come to you at her pace. So it’s her idea. Because you’ll get away with maybe two, three, four weeks of pursuing and reaching out and setting dates.

And then what happens is she starts to miss the boyfriend because he’s constantly trying to get back in the picture, and then she’ll withdraw from you a little bit, and then you’ll feel it. You’ll notice that you don’t have all of her attention like you did in the weeks preceding, and then she ends up spending time with her boyfriend, talking to her boyfriend, and then you start to pursue more. And then now you’re chasing her back into the arms of the ex. So you have to let her come to you. Because she’s going to gravitate to whoever the most masculine guy is. And that’s why in a situation like this, it’s counter productive to pursue and try to date her like a normal woman.

She would always tell me how miserable she has been for the last 2 years in her relationship. It’s her first relationship and she has been with the guy for the last 11 years. And she always contemplated leaving but never seemed to pull it off. For the most part I was attracted to her and she was flirty, I however never considered initiating anything with her since she was in a relationship. I think this made her attracted to me even more.

We are actually highly compatible and have really fun and light hearted interactions. Before leaving on a vacation, we talked about the potential of us being together if she didn’t have a boyfriend and after I left on vacation, I started developing feelings for her and missing her.

It’s a bad way to go, my man. You try to mow another dude’s lawn. And you think by being a good guy and pursuing and demonstrating what a good dude you are that that’s going to cause her to choose you. But what really matters to the woman is not how much you really super duper like her is how she feels about you. And so a guy who is masculine, who’s centered, who’s confident, who has choices and has options is not going to entertain this bullshit. He’s just gonna be like, “Hey, I like you, but you know, I’m not going to get involved with you. You got a boyfriend, hit me up if it doesn’t work out.”

And then he’s congruent with that. He doesn’t vacillate back and forth between hanging out and pursuing and then saying, I can’t do this. He’s just like, yeah, that’s a non-starter for me. You’re amazing. But I’m not going to get involved. As long as you’re with somebody, it’s inappropriate. And I don’t date women that are disloyal. You can come right out and say that. Because then you’re a challenge. Then she’s got to work to get you. She’s got to work to clean up her situation so she can get a chance with you. It’s always better if the woman thinks that she likes you more than you like her.

And unfortunately, this guy is communicating he’s way more in her than she is in him. Her current boyfriend is not what she really wants, but the way this guy’s behaving, he’s not acting masculine enough consistently enough for her to resolve that unhappy relationship so they could date and be together. And that’s why when you continue pursuing and you stay engaged, you just get stuck in like a trough. It’s like if you ever driven on the beach in like Daytona or some of those places where you can drive your car on a beach and you get stuck in the sand, and the more you give it gas, the deeper the car gets stuck.

That’s what happens in these cases when same thing happens with women. They just keep waiting around buying the excuses. But if you love and value yourself, you’re not going to tolerate being somebody’s side piece. You’re not going to tolerate being second best. You’re just going to go hang out with people that are single and ready to mingle.

Before leaving on a vacation, we talked about the potential of us being together if she didn’t have a boyfriend and after I left on vacation, I started developing feelings for her and missing her. When I got back I confessed my feelings.

Again. Women don’t care how much you like them. They only care about how they feel about you.

She was happy but felt immediately guilty towards her boyfriend. I calmed her down and told that she has to figure things out with him independent from me, since she was always contemplating ending things with him. 

Well, that is a true statement. It’s just the question is, can you be congruent with it? Do you have enough emotional self control to just let her be and try to date women that are available? Because right now you’re projecting your fantasy onto this girl, and you’re looking at the fact that this is kind of a trainwreck situation.

Two days later we met at my place and ended up cuddling and then discussing our future together.

Well, the more you discuss your future in this kind of a situation, the lower the likelihood that you’re actually going to have a future with her.

And she was thinking how she would end things with him. The next day she tried breaking up with him over the phone but couldn’t finalize it. They are in a long-distance relationship and he ended up going over to see her. 

See what happens.

They are now broken up but not completely. She begged me not to leave her and walk away while she figures things out, but she couldn’t assure me that the breakup would last.

So what she’s basically saying, “hey, be my male orbiter. Hey, how about a nice giant helping of blue balls?” Watermelon sized blue balls just for you. Because I care. That’s what she’s saying. You should be saying. “Hey, I you know, I appreciate your interest, but again, you need to finalize that. I’m not going to get in between you guys. I’m not going to be the reason why you dump this dude. You have to dump them because you’re not happy. Not because you’re not happy. And then you leave him to be with me. I’m not going to be that guy.”

They are probably leaving on a previously booked expensive trip but according to her probably just as friends.

Oh, sure. I got a bridge to sell you.

She said that if things with him ended, she would take some time to heal and then get into a relationship with me. 

Women understand that relationships take time to evolve, and as I talk about in 3% Man, your job is just to create an opportunity for sex to happen. Hang out. Have fun. Hook up. Again, this guy’s seen too many movies. He thinks that she’s going to go from one day being with him to now they’re in a relationship. That’s not how it works. Got to read The Book, dude. Or you can waste years of your life and potentially get your ass kicked by this guy if he finds out who you are.

I am now stuck in limbo, but I am concentrating on myself and my work. I haven’t contacted her since she explained the situation. I still however want her to choose ending things with him and getting into something new. 

What should I do? 

Thanks a lot

Bob

You should do nothing. You should be congruent with, you said. She says she’s got to figure things out with her boyfriend so let her go figure that out. And if she reaches out say, “hey, you, what’s new? So what end up happening? Do you guys stay together? Did you break up?” “Oh, we’re still trying to figure it out. I’m not sure I’m confused.” I was like, oh, well.  There’s a hair floating in the air. “Doesn’t sound like much has really changed. So like I told you, I’m not going to get involved with you as long as you’re involved with your boyfriend. So like I said last time we spoke, until you end things for good. I really don’t want to hear from you because it’s just not appropriate.”

“And I like women that are loyal. And if you’re going to keep contacting me and talking about a future relationship with me while you’re still with your boyfriend, that tells me you’re not really a loyal girl. And if you’re not a loyal girl, that’s a deal breaker. And even if you were single, I wouldn’t get involved with you then. So, you gotta you got to treat your dude with respect. Don’t cheat on them. But if you don’t want to be with them, have the guts to end it. And then when you feel ready, reach out, and then we can go on a date. That’s all I can promise you.”

And since she’s already been to his house, say she does break up with him and then say she reaches out after a few weeks, he’s like, “hey, you. What’s new?” “Oh, well, we finally broke up. We’re not together. It’s really tough.” I was like, “well, let’s get together and celebrate. Let’s make dinner at my place.” Invite her over, tell her to bring a bottle of wine or whatever, or some chicken breast or some filets; snacks, desserts, cakes, whatever you want. Soup. And invite her over to make dinner together. And then hang out, have fun, and hook up. Don’t talk about the boyfriend.

If she has things she wants to share, she can share it. But focus on being the escape from the breakup. Hang out. Have fun. Hook up. It doesn’t say, “hang out, talk about the ex, and make her feel like shit and reminisce about the ex that she just broke up with.” Be the escape. So when she comes over, she completely forgets about the dude, doesn’t even think about him because the two of you are just so immersed in your conversations and having a good time together. And when the signs are there that I discuss in The Book, and if you haven’t read it, it’s free to read at UnderstandingRelationships.com.

Just subscribe to the Email Newsletter. And so when the signs are there that she’s ready to be touched, ready to be kissed, ready to be seduced, seduce her. And then she can stay the night. She can leave. It’s up to her. If she leaves say, “hey, call me later.” And then I wouldn’t call or reach out. I’d just let her reach out to you. Because she may go back to the ex. Because he’s not going to, especially after 11 years. He’s not going to be okay with her just ending it, because rejection breeds obsession, and he’s going to probably keep trying to get another chance.

That’s why in this case, I wouldn’t pursue at all. This way, when she misses you, she reaches out. You make a date, you hang out, you have fun. You hook up. Rinse, recycle, repeat. But let her do all the reaching out. And then you make dates that could. And you have to expect that she’s going to be kind of hot and cold. Some days she’s going to be really super into you, and other days you might not hear from her for a few days. And that can’t freak you out. You can’t lose your shit and start calling her and blowing up her phone, because then all you’ll do is start driving her right back into the arms of the other dude.

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen on any page, and book a coaching session with yours truly.

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