How to know if you are the problem, or if your girlfriend is just difficult to be with due to insecurity.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a viewer who has read my book, 3% Man, 15 times so far. He and his girlfriend have been together for two years and living together for the past year and a half. They sometimes bicker, and this leads to arguments.
He says he feels drained of energy after dealing with her moods, her getting upset and causing what he sees as unnecessary drama. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.
Obviously, if he’s really read my book, he knows men who understand women don’t argue with them. When a woman feels heard and understood, the legs open, and when she doesn’t, the legs close. So, at the end of the day, the longer you’re with somebody, you’re going to butt heads. You might be in a cranky mood, she might be in a cranky mood. But if you’ve got somebody who’s easygoing, easy to get along with, they’re going to recognize that they’re in the wrong. Especially women. Women know when they’re being a bitch. Maybe they’re being a bitch one day, and you’re laughing at her and teasing her about it, and you’re unperturbed, and you don’t let it get under your skin. The next day or a few hours later, she says, “Hey, sorry for being such a bitch. Earlier, I was just dealing with some stuff,” or whatever it happens to be.
I’ve got a friend of mine, he’s retired military, a Special Forces guy. His wife’s cool as shit, and he’s one of the calmest and one of the most dangerous men that I know. But his wife can be an absolute raging bitch at times, which he says, and he always responds with humor and calmness. But when she’s in a shit mood, she’s in a shit mood. And she always comes to him later and says, “I’m sorry for being such a bitch.” He loves the shit out of her, but at times you can tell, he’s like, “Man, she’s such a fucking bitch, Corey. But I love her.” He’s able to deal with it.
You know, on some level, he kind of likes it. He’s a little bit of a masochist because, like I said, he’s a dangerous guy. He likes to mix it up. He enjoyed his time in the Special Operations community, but he gets a little friction from his wife, because he likes it. But they get along. They have a good relationship. They’ve got a good family, really, really good people. So, let’s go through this guy’s email and see, is he the problem? Or is his girlfriend just difficult to be with? What is it?
I’ve been watching your videos for about a year and I’ve read the book once and I’m currently reading it for a second time.
You’ve got to do better. You’ve been following me for a year, you read the book once, and you’re having problems with your girl. It’s like, how many times? I say read it 10 to 15 times. So, you’re writing me an email instead of reading the book 10 to 15 times and participating in your own rescue. You’re trying to cherry pick and be lazy. So, right off the bat, I could tell part of the problem is you, because you don’t know the material. There are no shortcuts to success. But you had a good email, because it brings up things that pretty much every guy is going to deal with in a long-term relationship.
I plan on reading it 15 times to really drill the information in and make sure I got it.
Well, if that were true, you would have done it by now, because you’ve been following me for a year. So, you need to step up your game, homie, because you’re really fucking dragging ass. It’s very disappointing.
Sometimes I don’t feel like I’m retaining the information…
Well, you read it once. That’s why I say 10 to 15 times. It’s right in the beginning of the book. When we hear something, when we read something, we retain 8-10% of it. And what I tell guys to do is get a physical copy or a digital copy and then listen to the audiobook on two-speed, and you can get through it in about 3 1/2 hours. But you’ve got to follow along with the words as they’re being spoken to you, because that causes you to super concentrate on the words, focus on it and really take it in, versus when you’re at the gym or driving your car, just listening to it, it’s kind of like background noise. Because half of the time, you’re distracted, other things are going on.
But if you’re sitting there at home in a quiet place, you’ve got your headphones on, or maybe you have it playing through your Sonos sound system, like I tend to do, and you’re following along with your finger – you should do this with all books, to be honest with you – you’ll get through it a lot quicker, and you’ll retain the information better. But remember, if you’re just listening to it once or you read it once, you maybe got 8% of it. I mean, that’s an obvious glaring fuck up on your part. You’ve got to do better, man.
…and I feel like, even though I know what I’m supposed to be doing, I’m actually doing the opposite. But it’s also hard for me to tell whether it’s solely me who’s creating the problems in my relationship or if my partner is just difficult to be with.
Well, it takes two. And the fact you haven’t learned the materials yet, that’s on you, bro. As the late, great Don Shula said, “Strong men blame themselves. Weak men blame others.”
So, I wanted to write you and ask if you think my partner is being difficult, or is her behavior normal and I am just handling it the wrong way? So, my girlfriend and I have been together for 2 years and we’ve been living together for a year and a half. We have a really good relationship. We have a lot in common, similar values and lifestyle and plans for the future. We want to have kids, etc. The problem is that occasionally we bicker with each other over little things, which somehow will turn into a big argument and a bitterness between us afterwards.
Well, again, if you had read the book 10 to 15 times, you would have seen by now that men who understand women do not argue with them. If you’re arguing with her, you’re not understanding her. But you haven’t learned the material yet. A whole year, dude. Twelve months and you do the best you can do is, “Oh, I got through your book once. I really plan on reading it 10 to 15 times.” Sure you do.
For example, this past weekend I went out with some friends and got caught up in the moment and left my phone in the car, not realizing what time it was. My girlfriend didn’t hear from me for 2 hours…
Two hours? Oh, my God!
…and it was midnight when I got back to her, so she was worried about me and thought something happened.
Awww, she loves you. It’s nice to know that somebody at home cares about you.
When I got back to her, I said, “Hey, what’s up? I’m fine!” But she was pissed off, and then the next morning she was still mad about it. I talked to her for over an hour and she started feeling better.
When a woman feels heard and understood the legs open, and when she doesn’t, the legs close. So what could be tormenting her? Because you think, “What’s the big deal? I left my phone in the car. We’ve been together two years.” She’s worried about you. And so, there will be some things here that she says, where you go, “Ah, now I see the real issue.”
So this next sentence, listen carefully…
During our talk, she was asking me if we should even be together, because we are on different paths and that I’m looking for adventure and she’s looking for stability.
So, what does that tell you? Anybody in the comments? What she’s basically saying, because women do this, they throw out, “Oh, it’s the end of the world!” It’s almost like, “Maybe we should break up. Maybe you don’t love me enough. Maybe you don’t care about me enough.” That’s really what this statement is. That tells me she wants to be closer to you, that you’re her man, you’re her rock, you’re her mountain. And she’s feeling fear that you don’t have the same intentions, that you don’t really love her as much.
So, if you look at it, you think, it’s just this little girl that’s scared that daddy doesn’t love her. That’s basically what that statement means. So, the correct response to that is, “Babe, I adore you. You’re my fucking world. The sun rises and sets with you. Are you kidding me? Every day, I get to wake up with you in my arms. You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me. Why would you say that? Why would you think that? Why would you think that I don’t care about you that much?”
Maybe she’s at the point where she’s thinking, “Are we going to get married?” Because this happens to a lot of women. They move in with a guy, then they never get an engagement ring, and they’re thinking, “What’s going going on? The years are rolling by.” And so, she wants stability, she she wants to nest. Remember, when a woman is in love with you, they want your attention all the fucking time. And so, basically, what she’s saying is, “I want even more of your attention.” And you’re like, “All I did, babe, was leave my phone in the car for 2 hours.”
So, there’s maybe other things. More than likely, because all women are a little bit insecure, she’s probably insecure and feels, on some level, you didn’t care. And so ,what she’s saying with “you’re out looking for adventure,” is, in other words, you’re out having fun without her. And she feels sad, because she feels if you’re having fun without her, then maybe you don’t care about her as much.
And so, the statement is not her throwing that out there because she wants to break up with you. She’s throwing that out there because she’s hoping that you’ll give her the right response. Which is like, “Honey, this is silly. I adore you. You’re my queen. Don’t be silly. I’m sorry if what I did made you feel like I didn’t care and that you’re not my number one, that I’m out living my life, and I don’t really care about you. I’m sorry if what I did made you feel that way. It was not my intent. I just left the phone in the car.”
“But I think it’s cute that you were really bothered. And I really love the fact that you were worried about me. It makes me feel like you care. And it’s nice to know that even when I’m out with friends and doing things without you, that you’re home thinking about me and sometimes worrying about me. It’s really sweet. It’s nice to know somebody loves me that much. And I appreciate you and love you for that, but don’t get insecure because Daddy loves you. Who’s your daddy, baby?”
And so, I began to get irritated by all this drama.
That’s why you read the book 10 to 15 times. A man should be unperturbed. When you feel pain in a relationship, it’s because you’re focusing on yourself. You want to seek first to understand, and then focus on being understood yourself. Ladies first, anyway. It’s the gentlemanly thing to do.
And I called her out for holding such high expectations to me when she doesn’t hold the same expectations to herself.
Notice, he’s using logic and reason like he’s trying to win. There’s no winning this argument, bro. All she’s really saying is, “Do you love me? Oh, I hope you love me as much as I love you, because I kind of feel like you don’t.” That’s all that’s really going on. She needs reassurance and love. That’s all it is.
And I referenced how in the past few months she’s been going out of town for 3 or 4 days at a time to hang out with friends and go to shows almost every other week.
Again, what you’re doing is you’re using logic and reason. When a woman hears this, what she hears is you’re not giving her the love and reassurance that she wants. What you’re basically saying is, “I’m going to keep doing what I’m doing, and I’m going to keep treating you the way I’m treating you. And therefore, your feelings are not important to me.” That’s what you communicate, as I talk about in the book, by using logic and reason. You’re using logic and reason, when in reality, you’ve got to align with her emotionally. All she’s really saying is she needs to be hugged and loved more. She doesn’t feel hugged and loved. That’s it. It’s a simple thing.
Which is totally fine with me, but I feel like it’s hypocritical.
You are misunderstanding her. What she hears is,”I’m not going to change anything. I’m going to keep doing what I’m doing,” because you went and did things with your friends for three or four days. I can understand where you’re coming from, but you have to understand where she’s coming from. Seek first to understand before you focus on being understood yourself, especially when it comes to your girl. All it does is create problems otherwise.
It’s just like when a woman complains, “Oh, you didn’t take the garbage out,” or she brings up the fact that you didn’t take the garbage out six months ago, or whatever, arguing about something else. All she’s trying to do is say, “Hey, you’re making me feel like you don’t care.” And you’re like, “Why don’t you just come out and say it?” It’s because she’s a woman. You don’t like that, you don’t like how they communicate? I didn’t do it. Talk to the big man upstairs. You complain to him. I’m just here to tell you. I’m just the messenger, bro.
Meanwhile, I work full time and only see my friends once a week or so.
That’s understandable. But again, you’ve got to love and reassure her first. And once she feels loved and understood and validated, then I would bring up your part.
And so, then we started arguing.
When the arguing comes in, now you’re basically saying, “I’m not going to give you the love you want. I’m not going to make you feel like you’re important to me. I’m not going to make you feel like you’re my queen. And you’re not important enough to to me to make sure you feel loved and validated.” You’re basically telling the little girl, “No, I’m not giving you any of my attention and time.” And what’s the little girl going to do? The little girl’s going to cry. She’s not going to like that. Think of it that way. It’s a good metaphor.
Then she said she was gonna leave for a few days and think about things.
This is so unnecessary.
And I’m like, “Okay, sounds good,” which is what I always do.
He’s like, “Don’t let the door hit you in the ass on the way out! You’ll be back.” But her leaving is basically saying, “Oh, I guess you don’t care. I’m going to leave, and maybe he’ll reach out and show me that he cares.” But the reality is, you guys are speaking different languages.
And then within 20 minutes of her leaving she is calling me to “talk,” ha-ha. I feel zapped of energy.
Part of the reason is you’ve been following me for a year, and you read the book once, instead of the 15 times. That’s on you. So, as a man, as the leader of the household, as the king of your castle, your fair maiden didn’t feel loved and supported, simple as that. You didn’t read the book, and so you misunderstood her.
I would say also that your girl is probably insecure, but you have to understand why she’s saying what she’s saying. And I know guys will go, “Well, why didn’t she just come out and say it?” It’s because they’re women. They don’t talk that way. It’s all about the emotions. They want to try to get you to understand how you made them feel. And when you try to use logic and reason to justify what you did, you’re basically saying, “I don’t give a fuck how you feel, woman. You’re being hypocritical.” And so, this makes the little girl feel like you don’t care about her, simple as that.
This is such a simple thing. To me it’s simple, but I can understand when you’re in the heat of it, your emotions are involved. But the whole thing she’s doing here is like, “I guess he doesn’t care about me.” That’s why she leaves. She didn’t feel heard and understood, so she left. Remember, when a woman feels heard and understood, the legs open, and when she doesn’t, the legs close. So, the legs closed, and guess what happened, she left. But then she called to talk, because she still loves you. So, you’ve got to understand her.
And so, what I would do if I were you? I would sit down and say, “I thought about the other day, and you know what, you’re right. I probably made you feel like I didn’t care when I didn’t have my phone. It was an honest mistake, but obviously the way I handled it just made things worse. And I’m sorry if what I did made you feel like I didn’t care. It was not my intent. You’re my queen. You’re my soulmate. We’re going to have babies together. All my babies will look like you when we get to that point, obviously.” Those are the kinds of things she needs to hear. She’ll be like, “Oh, I love you. I feel so much better.” And then you can practice making babies, until the next time she feels insecure.
But from what you shared, it’s pretty normal. Like I said, the only thing I would say about your girl is it sounds like she’s a little insecure. Which all women are insecure about something, whether it’s their looks, or part of their body, or their personality, or their past, or whatever. And love is an act. Love is giving. It means you accept all of her. You accept her, even though she’s a little insecure. So, she needs a little bit more love and a little bit more understanding from you. That’s all. This is such a simple thing, but you’ve got to read the fucking book, dude. Come on. You’ve got to participate in your own rescue.
So, if you’ve got a question or challenge and you want to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly.
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