Am I The Problem, Or Is She Insane?

How to tell if you are the problem or if the woman you are dating is simply too messed up and damaged to date.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a 26-year-old viewer who has been following my work for about six years and read 3% Man 10 times after being dumped by his ex. He says after he finished school abroad, that his relationship became a long distance one. She is very insecure and neurotic. She has male orbiters, gets black out drunk and causes a scene in public.

Now he wonders if he is the problem or if she is simply insane and too messed up to date. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

In this particular email, this guy is 26 years old. He’s been following my work for about six years, and he says he’s read 3% Man 10 times. Like many people, I’d say the majority of guys that come to my work, he originally found me after he got dumped by his ex. So anyways, I don’t think he ended up getting back together with her, but he’s been with his latest girlfriend for a while now and I guess he was going to school abroad. Then he finished and came back to the States. So he’s kind of long distance from his girlfriend. Then he moved back to be where she was.

So there’s a lot of things going on here. She’s got some male orbiters. She tends to get really super drunk, very insecure, and he’s starting to think, “Ah, this girl’s really not easy going, easy to get along with like the Coach talks about.” So he’s wondering, because when you get involved with somebody like this, a girl that’s damaged, they can often make you feel like it’s actually your fault and your problem, and you start to question yourself, especially if you come across a woman who’s got some narcissistic tendencies which can really make your life a living hell.

Viewer’s Email:

Hey Coach Corey,

I want to start off by saying thank you for all you have done for me and other men out there with your work. I’m 26, been following your work for about six years now and read your book 10 times after being dumped by my ex-girlfriend. Since then I have been very successful in my own life and attracting great women ever since. Although recently I believe I have regressed and gotten myself into a relationship full of red flags and am curious your take on it.

Well, let’s take a closer look, shall we?

My current girlfriend and I started a long distance relationship after I returned from school abroad. She came and visited a few times here in the states and we decided to try long distance with the decision that one of us would move to the other when the time was right.

Well, as the man, you should only be moving if you are going to be living in a place you’d rather live than in the States. If you move there to please your girl, and I’ve done plenty of emails and video newsletters over the years where guys have done just that. They get to town because there’s other things going on in their relationship, but the overall theme is the guys jumping through his butt to try to keep the girl happy so she doesn’t get upset. What happens is they get there and she’s upset and she still leaves them. So obviously he should not be thinking about moving unless he really wants to live there.

During the first few months is when the red flags started to appear.

Yeah. So if you’re together all the time, and then he goes back to the States and you’re dealing with an insecure girl who’s worried that you may be doing something you shouldn’t…

The other thing you got to keep in mind, especially if somebody starts giving you a hard time about that, that you’re involved with, is we all tend to project. No one will ever do or say anything to you that isn’t a direct reflection of how they feel about themselves in a moment. If somebody’s constantly accusing you of being disloyal, cheating, talking to other girls, it’s usually because that’s how they’re behaving. So they assume that the other person is behaving the same way. So he’s got some things to go that he’s written up here.

1) She is incredibly insecure and comes from a messy household, and has a terrible relationship with her weak father figure.

Yeah, that that is the crux of it. At 54 years old, what I’ve learned is that girls that have a bad relationship with their father, or a non-existent relationship with their father, or they come from a broken home or their dad is a bitch, basically, they are going to treat you exactly how the mother treated the father.

Women that come from stable homes or the parents are happy they’re together, they have a good relationship with their dad, the man of the household, pretty balanced, pretty easy going, pretty easy to get along with women. The more screwed up her family is, especially if the dad acts like a beta male and the mother is very masculine, it’s not going to end well. So right off the bat there, it’s like what he’s dealing with is, did this girl’s father do a good job? Obviously not, as you’ll see.

She is constantly asking for reassurance about how much I love her and the relationship, often complaining I don’t talk to her enough throughout the day. Mind you I had three jobs at the time and spend any free time on phone with her. Also she is obsessed with my ex. My ex and I ended on good terms and her mom would very occasionally reach out to check in how I’m doing. Once she found out about this, which I was honest about when she asked me, she forced me to block her and her entire family and threatened to break up with me, crying about it for days.

Well, that’s a little bit extreme, especially if you’re dealing with a situation where you got kids with an ex, or you became close with other family members that can get pretty unpleasant to deal with.

Also she wanted me to move in full time with her just after four months of dating, which I resisted.

Typically super insecure girls, that’s what they want.

2) She rubs other men in my face, and is a heavy drinker.

Remember when I was just saying about projecting and security under the other person? If she’s got a bad relationship with her dad and she doesn’t respect her father, guess what? She doesn’t respect men, and she’s not going to respect you no matter how much you try to implement what’s in 3% Man, that’s kind of the way she is. And you have to see reality as it is, and not project your fantasy and ignore the fact that she’s kind of abusing you.

I eventually was able to move back to the country where she lives to take a job offer and stayed with her short term until I found my own place.

So it looks like he’s pleasing her, which is just going to piss her off more because he’s acting weak. It’s not what he really wants to do.

While I did this we often went to parties where she got black out drunk and argued with me about my ex in front of her friends.

Yeah, this girl is immature. Got no self control. See, stuff like this can happen once and you got to have a conversation about it. You got to set healthy boundaries and then see if she complies. If she doesn’t respect her father, if she doesn’t respect the authority of the men in her life, well she’s not going to respect you.

Even if he tried to set a healthy boundary there and say, “That’s not appropriate. Don’t ever do that again,” or “You shouldn’t drink if you can’t handle your liquor,” and she continues doing it, it’s not your job to be your daddy or her mommy or to fix her. I mean, her parents fucked her up. It’s not your fault. You just have to see reality as it is.

You’re looking for an equal and a teammate, somebody that’s already on your level. Not somebody that you got to drag along kicking and screaming. Especially one like this that quite frankly, her parents screwed her up.

One party in particular she started a fight because, “I had spent other new years parties with my ex before we dated.”

This was about the ex that he had dated.

Yeah, somebody that’s constantly insecure about an ex and accusing you of doing wrong things even though nothing’s going on, that’s the kind of thing that makes you go, “Hmm. If she’s constantly accusing me of infidelity or doing inappropriate things, what does that mean when I’m not around? What is she doing?” Probably giving other men the green light to try to seduce her, or date her, or get in her pants.

And then proceeded to hang all over other guys at the party and then got so drunk I had to drag her home.

Yeah no, you’re not going to fix that if that happens. I mean again, what was I saying? She’s projecting it constantly, accusing him of doing what she does. She got a little drunk. All her inhibitions were gone. What’s she doing? She’s hanging all over other guys. So what do you think she’s doing? You’re not there. What do you think she’s doing? You’re out of the country. Doesn’t look good.

Then the next morning she spent hours apologizing and crying saying she’d never do it again.

Well, the key is she has to never do it again. Can’t happen like the next week and the week after that.

She also has several “male orbiters” that she keeps around that I have called her out on but says, “Not to worry about I only love you.”

Yeah, scout male orbiters, doesn’t respect her dad. It’s like, “Check, please. The puppies are getting a little rambunctious out there,” destroying something, obviously. Probably crapping and pissing all over the floor. So if you hear some weird sounds, “We got some puppies. Can you guys hear that?” That doesn’t even sound like a real bark. You got to bark better.

I saw these red flags and left her place and returned to the USA. When I arrived home I broke up with her. Although that’s not where the story ends. We have broken up and gotten back together several times this past month, mostly due to me being too weak, now that I have to restart my life after returning back to the US, and letting her talk me back into dating her.

Yeah bro, it doesn’t look like you’re going to fix her. You’ve had multiple conversations. She’s an adult. Her behavior ain’t changing. That’s what you got. You either put up with it or you tap out. Me? I’d be tapping out.

So there’s a 22-month-old, two and a half month old, and about a three month old in the living room, and I could hear all kinds of stuff. Some ruckus going on out there. So there’s probably a nice mess when I get done filming so you guys can laugh at me in the comments.

She will call up begging basically to get back together. I have been weak and caved.

Come on man.

She also now has decided she wants to move here with some of her family in the US and wants to move in with me.

Yeah, I’d say you can get your own place, get your own job, and we’ll see how things go. That’s what I would say. I wouldn’t get involved, but it’s your life dude.

Also, she is a hardcore feminist…

If your values and your goals are not aligned, if you’re religious and your spiritual values are different, it’s not going to work out. If you’re a MAGA Republican, you’re a constitutionalist or a libertarian, and you got some idiot that drank the commie feminist leftist Kool-Aid, the boss girl Kool-Aid, yeah, you’re probably not going to be able to do much with that unless she submits to you fully under normal circumstances. It’s possible if she had a good upbringing, but in this case where she doesn’t respect her dad comes from a bad family, you’re not going to fix that.

…Which we constantly argue about.

What do I say all the time? You got to be with a woman who’s easy going, easy to get along with. Not somebody that’s bringing drama into your life.

My question is this, have I caused these behaviors in her…

No. This is her dad and her mom’s fault, not yours.

…Because I was, “Not there enough” during long distance.

No, she was insecure. She’s constantly accusing you of doing things with other women that you shouldn’t be. Meanwhile, when she gets drunk, you see how she really behaves when you’re not around, which she’s hanging all over other dudes, giving out their her phone number to them and basically acting like she’s single and rubbing other guys in your face to make you jealous. Probably again, something that she modeled from her parents.

Also did I push her into the hands of men with my ex’s mom reaching out…

No, you didn’t.

…And me not telling my girlfriend until she asked.

Quite frankly, if she had a good, healthy self-esteem, she wouldn’t be threatened by that, but she’s insecure because she’s a liar and a cheater. Of course she’s going to get upset about that.

I believe I have accepted her abuse and these behaviors because I am not centered…

True.

…Currently between a career change and figuring out life after receiving my master’s degree.

Thank You,

Bob

Well, I highly encourage you to read Mastering Yourself, because this book will really help you to align your life with your true calling and reach your full potential. A shit ton of business, life advice and career advice in there, and figuring out your purpose and obviously things about the world because it’s a book on self reliance, how to get what you want by your own efforts and your own labor, and not expecting the communist super government that your feminist ex-girlfriend now wants to see happen.

The bottom line is it sounds like your girl just came from a broken home. I mean, it’s sad. We can be sorry for her. We can be sad that it happened, but that’s on her parents. It’s not on you. You shouldn’t feel guilty for this. What you do need to do is you need to see reality as it is and not get all mixed up thinking you’re going to fix her or save her. Be the white Knight or Captain Save-A-Hoe. It’s not going to work, dude. Then disrespecting you, hanging all over other guys. She’s shown she’s disloyal.

The number one most important thing to us guys in a relationship is what loyalty, and she’s displayed that she’s not loyal. On top of that, she’s constantly accusing you of being disloyal because she’s actually the disloyal one. Remember, I’ll repeat the quote again, it’s also in the book, “No one will ever do or say anything to you that isn’t a direct reflection of how they feel about themselves in a moment.” Definitely something to think about.

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly. Until next time, I will talk to you soon.