How to know if you are being too clingy and if you can trust the woman you are dating.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a viewer who has been talking to a girl he likes for almost a year. They have been on a few dates, but he says he has trust issues. They argue a lot because he accuses her of flirting with other men. He says she hides her Facebook status and he can’t see when she is online anymore.
He says he doesn’t want to push her away and asks what he can do to turn things around. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.
So, this particular guy, he says he’s been talking to a girl for about a year. He admits he’s got trust issues and you can tell he’s pretty needy, neurotic and he’s not doing anything to attract her to him. He’s actually doing the opposite. He’s is worried about pushing her away, but he’s literally doing exactly that. And you can see by her interactions and some of the things she’s doing, even though she says she really likes him, that he’s literally driving her away, driving her into the arms of another guy, because he doesn’t feel good about himself. He doesn’t love himself.
When people don’t love and value themselves and they doubt themselves, typically, because mom and dad didn’t give enough hugs, didn’t give enough attaboys, I love yous, I’m proud of you, we grow up and we doubt ourselves. And when we don’t think we’re good enough, when love was withheld from us unfairly or unjustly, we feel that way, then that becomes our reality filter and how we interact with the world. And so, because we believe this about ourselves, we’re looking for evidence that we don’t deserve love.
And when you get involved in dating, like this guy is, and somebody doesn’t reciprocate in the way he expects, then he assumes he’s not going to get what he wants, so he tries to force things. And when we try to force things — because remember, like Thich Nhat Hanh said, “You must love in such a way that the person you love feels free” — men, women, they’re going to bounce from you. If you’re needy and you’re clingy, you’re basically giving off the vibe that “I need love, but I’m not worthy of love. I don’t deserve love,” and people are going to be like, “Okay. Alright, dude. You’re right. I’m out of here.”
They literally drive people away without realizing what they’re doing, instead of just being calm and having an indifferent, matter of fact attitude. “You can come, you can go. It’s okay either way. I prefer that you come, but if you don’t, that’s okay too. Because with enough time and a long enough timeline, eventually, I will attract somebody better by becoming the right kind of person, by becoming the kind of person I want to attract.”
I am a man and I have been talking to this girl for almost a year, and we have been on a few dates, (which she said she enjoyed), but I have trust issues.
Well, dude, you need to work on your trust issues, because love cannot exist where there is no trust. That’s a fact of life. And if you can’t trust other people because of your own insecurities, you are literally going to chase everybody out of your life who would love you. Because love is allowing, and when you have trust issues, you don’t allow anybody to love you.
Like the toxic red pill guys, they’re so butthurt, and so angry, and so pissed off, and so upset, and looking for reasons to say “all women suck,” that becomes their reality. Even the guys that claim they’re not that way, I see their comments on my YouTube channel constantly, and I happily block these miserable people.
Any time I have a female guest on or I read an email from a woman, the amount of nastiness and hostility that I see is just absolutely fucking pathetic. A lot of these guys in the red pill community are fucked up, and they’re justifying other people being fucked up and staying fucked up. But I digress, because I know some of them are going to be bitching in the comments because they always do. And it’s great, because then we can identify them easily and just block them.
My community, our community here, is like an NFL locker room. If you’re disruptive, if you’re an asshole, if you’re a miserable person, you’re just not going to be a part of it. Because life is hard enough. We don’t need people in our inner circle that are dickheads, plain and simple. My life is a drama free zone, and yours should be too. Toxic, butthurt people don’t belong in your life. You’ve got to keep them at a distance.
We have argued a lot because I have accused her of flirting with other men on social media, but she insists she’s only interested in me.
So, because this guy doesn’t believe he deserves it, his default is “she’s not really interested me, she’s going to like other guys more than me.” And so, he’s looking for the evidence of it and he’s driving her nuts, obviously. I mean, they’ve been talking for a year and they’ve been on “a few dates.” This girl probably really likes this guy, or at least she did. And because of his neediness, his insecurity and acting like a constant jackass — basically doing the opposite what’s in “How To Be A 3% Man” — he’s not allowing her to love him, because he’s too impatient. He’s too controlling. Notice what he says next…
I fear that she might be talking to other men, because sometimes when she’s online, she will take ages to message me.
Women like men who are calm and unperturbable, and women do things like that just to cause you to lose your shit if you’re prone to losing your shit. You can’t be a perturbable man and allow a woman to love you, because every time she gets close, you act like a lunatic and you drive her away.
And you know what, the reality is when you start dating a woman, it’s like test driving a car. You want to find out what her level of integrity is, and in order to find that out, you must give her freedom to choose you, to dick you down, go hang out with other guys. You’ve got to see through her actions what she does. If she’s loyal, if she’s respectful, she’ll treat you good. And if she’s not, you will find out.
But if you’re acting this way, you don’t really know. Because it’s also possible, because we don’t know enough about this woman, she may belong to the streets anyway. We don’t know that and he doesn’t know that, because he’s so insecure, he’s driving her away. He never got a chance to see what she’s really like.
And the fact she takes ages to message you, that shows her interest is low, her respect is low, and plus, she knows you’re going to probably give her a lot of grief and a lot of static and she doesn’t want to listen to it. She wants a drama free life. Feminine energy will not flourish unless it’s around strong masculinity. It just never feels safe.
A month ago, she turned off her activity status on Facebook, so now I can’t see when she’s online.
Probably because you got butthurt about it too much.
I really like her, and I don’t want to push her away.
Advice would be much appreciated, as I am insecure.
Well, you have to become what you want to attract. I would focus on you and getting yourself right emotionally, doing things that are good for you, good to you, good for your soul. Maybe you need some therapy and some counseling, but you have to get to a place where you feel comfortable.
I highly recommend you go see my friend Dr. Dominick D’Anna at BeSimplyWell in Orlando and get worked on for a couple of weeks. Tell him you’re one of my clients and you want to do a two week intensive, where you get worked on just about every day, twice a day for two weeks straight. When you get done with that much network chiropractic care work in a short period of time, you will feel peace in your body.
If you watched any of the videos with Gracie and Chunky, Gracie especially, you can look at those early videos and see her physiology looked like shit. And by the end of it, her shoulders are rolled back. Even on the recent podcasts we’ve done with her, she’s completely transformed. She’s completely different, because she feels safe in her body. Now she’s open to making new changes.
She’s got new roommates this semester. She hates working out, but now, guess what? All three of her roommates work out, so I’m excited about that. You are who you associate with, and her old roommate, an old friend of hers from high school, was not into working out either. And now, she’s living with three girls that work out and take care of themselves, so I’m excited to see how much of a good influence they will be on her, because she’s adamantly opposed to it.
And then, starting next week, her mother will be starting the 30-day challenge. And then, we’ll finish it up with two weeks of intensive work with Dr. D’Anna, and you’ll get to see her and see how she changes. The stuff is really a miracle, and it’s life changing. I know it’s expensive, but it will completely change and transform your life. It will help you get into a peaceful and relaxed state in your body, so you feel safe trusting people, so you feel safe trusting the right people.
Also, when you feel peace in your body, when you have people around you who don’t have a lot of peace in their body, you will literally repel each other. You will move away from those people and move more towards people who have peace in their bodies and they’re good for you, good to you, and good for your soul.
So again, those videos are mostly just on YouTube with Gracie, Chunky, Jennifer and all the different podcasts that are in there. They’re not normally a part of my normal video newsletter, so I encourage you guys to go check those out. And you can see the difference. You can see the level of confidence. It’s beautiful to see both in her and in Chunky, for that matter, over the months.
I mean, Chunky looks amazing. I just had Dr. D’Anna and his wife down here a few weeks ago, and he worked on Chunky, Chunky’s dad, his little brother, their cousin, and they all look amazing and they feel amazing. They were out of town recently, and his dad sent me a picture of Chunky. They were out and he was talking to a really cute girl, and you should have seen his body language, his physiology — everything I talk about in “How To Be A 3% Man,” literally embodying what I teach on body language that attracts women.
So, it was really beautiful to see, and I’m happy to see my dearest friends seeing their kids do well. It’s a great honor to be able to do that and to help my friends and to help their children, because that’s what love is. Love is giving, it is an act. And make sure the people that you’re giving to are worth it.
Never try to control anybody like this guy is doing. It’s the wrong way to be. You’ll drive everybody away and you’ll attract people into your life who actually validate your model of the world. And that’s part of the problem with this guy is he’s attracting people into his life that validate his dysfunctional model of the world and his toxic view of himself. Because people will behave consistently with how they view themselves to be, and it doesn’t matter whether the view is accurate or not. You are who you associate with.
So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help with it, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly.
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“Love is an act. Love is giving. The purpose of all relationships is that you go there to give. Love is allowing the other person to be who they are and come to you, or not, at their own pace. Loving without attachments to any outcome or reciprocation is a sign of a spiritually mature adult who knows how to love. Self-love is loving and accepting yourself as you are and where you are and giving to those who appreciate, value and reciprocate that love because they choose to. Not because you want them to or force them to. Self-love also sets and enforces healthy boundaries because abuse and neglect is never tolerated or enabled.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne
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