How to avoid the typical mistakes approval seeking beta males make by trying to prove themselves to the women they want to date, and how this weak behavior actually turns women off and ruins sexual attraction.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a viewer who is desperate to win the approval of and get his ex-girlfriend back who dumped him, because she says he was not rich enough to give her the life and lifestyle she wanted. Her parents have always encouraged her to find a man who is financially successful enough to take care of her and treat her like a princess, so she can focus on raising children. He incorrectly believes he got dumped because of his financial status not being sufficient enough, when the reality is he got dumped because he was an approval seeking beta male. Even now, he is trying to get a better paying job in hopes she will find this new job financially stable enough to take him back. This new career requires he go back to school and get a four-year degree. He asks me if I think his approach is stupid and what I would do. My comments are in (bold parenthesis like this below) in the body of his email:
I met the girl of my dreams, a “9,” financially successful, great personality, highly sought-after woman. (You’re basically saying you feel you’re not good enough for her.) I made changes to my persona to win her over — posture, confidence, communication tactics etc. She left her ex-boyfriend for me, (That’s a red flag), she technically cheated on the first day we had sex, but she broke up with him the next day, and I successfully held a great relationship with her for over 2 years. (Remember, if a woman is crazy, head over heels in love with you, she’s not going to dump you. Women only dump guys they aren’t into anymore. You’re ignoring reality and not seeing the situation for what it really is.) I diligently kept the honeymoon phase going with weekly dates, flowers, surprises, traveling and constantly working hard to make her laugh, be happy, etc. (A hundred percent of your focus is on meeting this woman’s every need. What about what you want? Did this woman ever ask anything about what you wanted in your life?), without making it seem like I was “overly-dependent” or needy. (That may be true, but you were definitely seeking her approval. Deep down, you feel like you aren’t good enough for this woman.) We also had just a few “light” arguments in these 2 years, always resolved them quickly and we were very happy. (As I say in my book, men who understand women don’t argue with them.) I believe this, because on the day she broke up with me, 7 months ago, she told me she’s never been happier in any relationship. (That may be a true statement, but obviously she was not head over heels for you.) I can’t stop thinking of her every day, (Rejection breeds obsession), and comparing every woman to her. (You have put yourself last in everything that has to do with this woman. You will never be successful long term with that kind of behavior. A woman wants an equal, a teammate, but you’re acting like a butler waiting on her hand and foot.)
The nuance is, she told me before we got into the relationship that she had expectations about the type of financial lifestyle she wants, and she needed someone to buy a house, (What about her bringing in some money? What does she bring to the table?), to start a family and allow her to stay home with kids for the first couple years. At the time, and still, I hold a job and a small business which brings in roughly $100k per year. The problem was some debt, which would’ve taken 1 or 2 years to pay off. (That’s not a problem. Just figure it out.) In short, the break-up line went like this: “I’ve never been happier with anyone, but I’m 33 and I want to start having kids before I’m too old. I don’t feel I can wait another 5 or 10 years for you to get there financially, buy a house and allow me to stay home with kids for the first couple years, so I feel like I’m choosing money over love.” (Bullshit. She’s simply not in love. She just looks at you like a money mule.) We both cried on break-up day, and we also both cried 6 months pre-breakup when she “warned” me she was worried I wasn’t making enough money to fulfill her expectations. (You should have told her she could make money to contribute to a family as well. Being a part of a family means you’re on the same team.) However, she was torn because she was so happy with me. This instance followed a one-time drunken outburst where I spewed my financial fears of meeting her expectations, (That’s what’s really going on. You basically said “Hey, I’m a pussy and I don’t measure up”), and my eyes watered once or twice when I told her I didn’t want her to feel like I was “holding her back,” while I did my best to continue exuding confidence. (Dude, you were not exuding any confidence when you said that to her. If you don’t believe you’re good enough for her, and she already doesn’t think you’re good enough for her, she is going to go find someone else.) Is it likely I ruined my image to her with that one-time drunken outburst (No, that was just one of many outbursts that you didn’t realize were making you the low man on her totem pole), and my eyes watering once or twice when I told her I didn’t want her to feel like I was “holding her back?” (You sound like a total beta male.) I don’t see her as materialistic or shallow, because she’s originally from China, and this “financial-support” ideal is deeply ingrained in her culture. (Dude, she’s fucking shallow, and she’s not that into you. She’s a waste of your time.) Plus, her parents advise her on it as well. (They sound really shallow as well. Do you think her mom and dad are really in love with each other and have a great marriage?)
We stayed in touch for 3 months post break-up, with me always letting her initiate contact, and I gave her plenty of space, never reaching out to her, except once or twice during the last month. (Never chase after somebody who blows you off.) We broke up 7 months ago and haven’t had contact in almost 3 months. My question is: I’m now pursuing a new career path that will allow me to earn twice what I currently make, (You’re doing it to seek her approval), which would’ve been enough to satisfy her lifestyle, but I won’t be able to work that career until I graduate 3-4 years from now. (You should only be going back to college and getting a degree if it’s what you really want to do, and you have a passion about that.) Because I feel the break-up was totally financially based, (It probably partially was, but the bottom line was she wasn’t into you, because you acted like beta male), I want to communicate this career change in a letter or in person, in hopes she’ll keep me in mind over the years, in case there’s another chance years from now. (She needs to earn another chance with you dude. Not the other way around. You definitely need to see my article and video,”7 Principles To Get An Ex Back,” and you should also read my book 10-15 times.) Should I tell her in person or in a letter? (You shouldn’t tell her at all, because it’s none of her business. She had her chance, and she blew it. Now you should be dating somebody who actually cares about you and would never be stupid enough to let you go.) Is this entire idea stupid? (Of course it’s fucking stupid.) How can I stop thinking of her every day and comparing every woman to her? (Find somebody better. Read my book 10-15 times, and get out there and apply it. You deserve a woman who would jump fences for you.) Is there any advice you can offer? (Yeah, run like hell and delete her number. If she ever reaches out in the future, make her come to you for at least the first three dates in a row. Make her do 100% of the calling, texting and pursuing. She needs to be earning another shot with you. Not the ohter way around.)
Any ideas or opinions are highly appreciated, as I highly value your insights. Thank you Corey! (The groveling is not attractive, and it didn’t work for you. Make your life a masterpiece, and make it something you’re proud of. If this chick doesn’t want to wait around, so what. Find someone younger and hotter.)
My response to him:
Your email reeks of a man who is an approval seeking beta male, instead of an attractive, confident, alpha male. Everything you did was to win her approval and favor, instead of creating a life and lifestyle that made you happy and proud. You acted like a typical pleaser. Women don’t dump men they are head over heels in love with, despite what they say. The real reason you got dumped is because you were an approval seeking beta male. You need to read my book 10-15 times ASAP to learn the basic fundamentals of what I teach. You need to proceed with your life as if it’s over, and you will never hear from her again. She needs to earn another chance to win you back, not the other way around. If she was unwilling to stay with you because of your income level not being high enough for her, then she does not deserve the guy you are becoming. Attraction level cuts through everything. She simply was not in love with you, and your relationship was not as perfect and rosy as you portray in your email. You need to find a woman who has similar goals and values to your own, not try to go back and win someone who does not want you. Never try to keep someone who does not want to keep you. Never call or contact her again. If she ever reaches out to you in the future, you should assume that she wants to see you and make a date at your place to make dinner together. Do not go to her, pick her up or meet her out. She must come to you. Hang out, have fun and hook up like I talk about in my book. She must come to your place for at least the first three dates. She must do 100% of the calling, texting and pursuing from now on. Use my article and video, “7 Principles To Get An Ex Back,” as a guide on how to interact with her going forward.
In time, as you learn to apply and master what my book teaches, you will find a woman who loves you the way you are and with your current financial situation. Have some self-respect, and be glad this shallow woman is out of your life. You deserve better. Never contact her again, that would simply make you look ever weaker than you have already been towards her, which will cause her to lose even more respect for you as a man.
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From my heart to yours,
Author, Speaker, Peak Performance Coach, Entrepreneur
“If a potential lover does not see your value when you are going through your struggles and challenges on your journey to success, they do not deserve to share in your triumphs, successes, victories and good times. Never demean yourself by seeking to change your life, give up your dreams or become something you are not, in an effort to win the approval and love of someone who will only date or love you if certain conditions are met. Someone who truly loves you will happily join and support you on your journey to reaching your full potential, not be willing to join you only after you have reached it. Love is about giving, not horse-trading.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne
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