Are Easy & Effortless Relationships With Strong Independent Women Even Possible?

How to determine if you can have an easy & effortless relationship with a strong woman.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a viewer who is new to my work. He recently broke up with his European girlfriend before moving back to the states. He admits he became needy, emotional and triggered. She had a lot of boss girl energy and is a self professed strong independent woman. She’s still reaching out and he wonders if it’s even possible to have a healthy relationship with her. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

Hi, I’m coach Corey Wayne. This is my Video Coaching Newsletter. And the topic of today’s newsletter is going to be, “Are Easy & Effortless Relationships With Strong Independent Women Even Possible?”

Well, this particular email is from a guy. He’s new to my work and he recently broke up with his European girlfriend. I think he said she was from Estonia before he moved back to the United States. And he admits he became needy, emotional, easily triggered. But you can tell she had a lot of boss girl energy. She’s a self-professed strong, independent woman. And so now that he’s back in the States, she’s starting to reach out and he’s wondering, like, what’s the point?

Because from his perspective, she doesn’t seem to be willing to admit any mistakes or flaws or any contribution to their breakup. So you could definitely tell a lot of boss girl energy. She probably spent a lot of time making his life hard instead of making his dick hard. And I say it all the time, you want a girl who is nice to you, easygoing, easy to get along with. Somebody who communicates well. Has a good relationship with her dad. Rocky, stop it. That kind of thing.

Viewer Email:

Hey Coach,

I was in a relationship for about a year and a half with a woman from Estonia. We had strong chemistry from the start, but during the early dating stage, before we made things official, I found out that she had been seeing other people.

She had a rotation going. Big shock.

My insecurities stemmed from this and carried into the relationship.

So he’s always jealous and insecure and worried about other dudes stealing his girl. The reality is, you could be the best boyfriend or husband in the world, and if you didn’t vet your girl properly and you married somebody of low character, well, if she’s not happy, she’ll just go and sleep with somebody else and not really feel any remorse. And on top of that, she’ll say it was all your fault. You forced her to seek attention elsewhere.

She also has a friend she is very close with who was her wing woman during those single days.

So the other thing in those kinds of situations, if you’re in a relationship and her girlfriend or best girlfriend is single, more often than not, the single girlfriend is going to put pressure on her to become single again and encourage her to do things she shouldn’t do. Girls trips and those kinds of things.

About four months in the relationship I asked why I haven’t been introduced and she stated culturally they don’t do that.

If a woman is in love with you, she wants to show you off to the world. She wants everybody to know that you’re her man. But if she’s hiding you, it’s pretty clear you’re not that important to her. And so it’s obvious again, he’s doing my work. So he was pretty focused on his feelings towards her, and was kind of ignoring the fact that she didn’t feel the same way. And he did, like most guys do. He tried to use logic and reason to talk her into liking him more, and treating him more like somebody who was important to her.

Instead of just looking at it and bottom lining her actions and understanding and admitting where she really was and how she felt about him. There’s a chapter in my book, “It’s All In The Numbers” that goes over this, so you can always tell how the girl you’re dating actually feels about you, despite what she says. Because there are things that women in love will do that they don’t do when they just kind of like you.

Eventually, she tried to introduce me to her friend, but I was reactive and declined, wanting to stand my ground on boundaries, which only caused more tension whenever they would hang out.

That’s kind of childish and immature. You asked to hang out and get to know her friends, and then she finally wants to introduce you. And you’re like, yeah, no thanks. That’s silly. That’s passive aggressive behavior. You’re being difficult on purpose when you do things like that.

Over time, my behavior became needy, reactive, and overly expressive.

Probably talking about your feelings all the time. Focused on how much you liked her, but completely ignoring the fact she wasn’t feeling the same way.

I was constantly trying to fix the relationship whenever she became cold or distant. She often stonewalled me, avoided emotional conversations, and prioritized her independence over building something together.

Well, if you’re acting needy, you’re acting like a girl instead of a man. So any woman is going to lose attraction for you and want to hang out with other people other than you. And if you’re in your feminine energy and you’re forcing her into her masculine, she’s going to act more like a dude, which is, quite frankly, is going to be disgusting and repulsive to you because you’re just going to lose interest. You’re not going to be as attracted to her because she’s basically acting like the man in the relationship, because you decided to act like a girl.

Since March, the dynamic has been me putting in most of the effort while she only engaged on her terms.

So she basically had all the power and the leverage in the relationship, and you made her that way. You made her the man in the relationship. And of course, any woman is going to resent that. Because masculine energy is not their natural essence.

In June she eventually asked for space.

So if a woman’s asked for her space, that tells me you’re smothering her. You’re over pursuing. I mean, as he said, he’s acting needy. And when you’re doing that, anytime a guys doing more than 20 to 30% of the calling, texting and pursuing and the contact initiation, especially when it’s 50/50 or he’s doing 70% of it or most of it, you’re going to get dumped, you’re going to get friend zoned, you’re going to get blown off. It’s as predictable as the Sun coming up in the East and setting in the West. The reason being is it ruins the sexual polarity because you’re just simply not acting like a man consistently.

In June she eventually asked for space, asked me to move out and initiated no contact, although she has broken it several times without taking ownership or making real effort to work things out.

Well, the reason why she doesn’t make any effort to work things out is we bottom line her actions. What does that mean? She doesn’t want to. Simple as that. But she reaches out probably because she hadn’t found anybody else or found anybody she liked better, or whoever she happens to be talking to and dating now, she’s not as into as she was you, and she likes to reach out to get some attention and some validation that you’ll be a backup. And then she goes ghost again, typically.

About three weeks ago, I moved back to the U.S, and yesterday she reached out again, randomly explaining her definition of independence which I’ll provide screenshots of.

She didn’t randomly provide it. He asked her. So there’s a little bit of self bullshitting going on here too.

Stating complete autonomy, choosing who she sees, doing what she wants without asking, and having firm boundaries.

Again, she basically acted like a dude, and that’s a direct result of how he was showing up and constantly acting like a woman. So he sends a text exchange. You can definitely get the boss girl energy vibe from reading it or hearing it, but it’s good to go through. It’s kind of long winded, but this is her reaching out. And it just sounds like a man writing this to be honest with you.

“I know it wasn’t easy to be with me for the past few months. But I want you to reflect on some things though. Would you even be able to be together with a strong woman without trying to suppress, control or compete with her? The one who is around other people, being looked at, talked to, laughed with cause her main focus is her wellbeing?”

So in other words, look how popular she is. Poor her. She’s got all these people that want to be talked to, looked at. So in other words, hey, lots of dudes like her and she wants to be able to talk to them because that’s what a strong, independent woman would do. But if you’re in a relationship, an exclusive relationship, and yet you’re supposed a girlfriend who you live with basically gives other guys the green light to hit on her, even though she’s taken, she doesn’t say I have a boyfriend or anything, she just encourages the behavior. Usually those are women that come from broken homes, and the dad didn’t do a good job And so they never learned what good masculine attention was.

She never learned what men to trust and which ones not to. And since they didn’t get enough hugs, I love you’s from Daddy. They seek it from other men. They often make Frankenstein Boyfriend Projects. So, like in this case, she’s probably dating and sleeping with somebody else, but she still likes to keep him on the back burner because she likes attention. She likes attention from many men because she didn’t get it from the man that matters most, which was her father.

“Not the one trapped at home crying all the time cause she got completely drained by serving somebody’s traumas and insecurities by abandoning her own needs. Not the one you don’t have to control anymore cause she already broken. With the one you don’t have to chase because you’ve created so much stability? Would you withdraw again when she’s not afraid of her feelings and being open to you and mutual with what you feel? Or whenever she opens up you withdraw again creating emotional swing? Would you be able to talk openly about feeling uncertainty or coldness or make a scene and withdraw? Would you just be with her cause you love her or because you love how she loves you? Would love her so your main fear will be hurting her but not loosing her? I don’t need to hear anything back. Better discuss it with therapist why you’re doing it to person you claimed you loved. Does she have to be weak or sick to receive your love or she can be happy, strong and independent and you will take care the same way? Got formulated wrong. I meant you don’t have to answer anything back unless you want to.”

“What’s your point in reaching out is it to blame, vent, or actually see if we can work things out? If we’re going to talk, it has to be about both of us taking responsibility, not just me.”

“How did YOU take it?”

“I also want to understand what ‘independent’ means to you?”

“Like I said I wanted you just to sit with it and reflect and if you want to bring it to therapy and find out deep reasons.”

You can tell she’s convinced he’s the problem and she’s perfect. It takes two to tango. But how are you going to work anything out with somebody if 100% of their view is it’s all your fault? Granted, he acted needy and emotional and like a chick, which ruins a sexual polarity and her respect and attraction for him. But still, it’s hard for him to feel comfortable being masculine. I noticed that she used the word compete as if he was competing with her.

So clearly that’s the other thing. Girls with too much boss energy it’s like dating another dude. It’s like being in a relationship with a man. It’s like you feel like you’re competing. It’s like two alphas trying to run the relationship. But again, if he’s acting like a girl, she didn’t feel safe, relaxing in letting him lead. But does she even seem like she’s capable of that? So here’s her response to what independent means.

“Emotionally first of all, the one that has her own life. Decides what she wants for herself, doesn’t have to ask for permission.”

So the vibe I get is it just seems like he was he was controlling. And the reason why he was controlling is because he felt out of control. He didn’t understand how attraction worked, and he thought if he just clamped down on her and gave her boundaries and told her what she could and couldn’t do, and then he probably got upset every time she didn’t comply.

“Is not being held back. Has her own autonomy. Not cut off from society, choosing who to socialize with. Where there is a balance between being together but still being herself. Has her boundaries that are being respected and protects them if needed.”

So her view is that she can basically hang out with whoever she wants, even if it’s other dudes. Again, this is what happens when you date a girl who comes from a broken home. She doesn’t respect family or the relationship because she wasn’t taught those things. She didn’t see an example of it. She saw the strong, independent woman, probably. And so that’s what she emulated. Probably because her Father was really weak, and therefore her Mom had to become a man in order to survive in the relationship and a parent.

“I want the same in a relationship. For me, independence has to go both ways while still showing up for each other emotionally and making each other feel secure.”

Well, she’s not there to make you feel secure. That’s something that you do. That just shows me that your mindset is that you’re treating her like your Mommy and your therapist, which is, again, feminine and girly and extremely unattractive.

“Autonomy is important, but so is connection, reassurance, and building something together. If we can’t have both, then it’s not the kind of relationship I want.”

I told her I value independence too, but it should go both ways while still showing up emotionally and making each other feel secure. She reacted with a thumbs up and hasn’t contacted me since.

I mean at the end of the day he’s back in the US. You’re really going to date somebody that’s all the way back in Europe and Estonia when your life’s moving forward. My attitude towards this, if she wanted to come and visit, she can come visit you. I wouldn’t be going to her. She’s the one who put the brakes on the relationship. She fucked it up. She’s got to fix it. But it’s pretty clear she doesn’t view anything that she did as being wrong. And it’s 100% his fault. I mean, he is the leader. He should take extreme ownership. But you can’t solve problems unless you can talk openly and honestly about them.

And at least at this point, she doesn’t. I mean, you guys listen to the text. It doesn’t; it just seems like she’s convinced that it’s all his fault. And she was the perfect girlfriend. So if that’s the case, how are you going to feel like the other person really can walk in your shoes and look through your eyes and understand your point of view? If she’s already decided that you’re wrong and she’s right.

Since returning to the U.S., I’ve been focusing on myself, I read How to Be a 3% Man last week and started once again, I’ve watched hours of your YouTube videos, been working out, spending time with male friends, dating casually, and preparing for my future career in San Francisco.

Well, maybe Trump will send the National Guard there to clean that shithole all up.

I’ve stopped chasing and accepted that the relationship won’t work unless she takes ownership and invests equally.

Well that’s the right way to look at it. Because again, I didn’t see any. Oh. I’m sorry. Let’s work it out. I miss you or nothing. It’s like you suck. You’re all bad. You need to go talk to a therapist and fix yourself. Again it’s absolving herself from any responsibility.

My question is, given my circumstances living abroad now, her reaching out yesterday to state where she stands, and me stating where I stand, how should I handle it if she reaches out again so I can remain calm, centered, and masculine without sabotaging my progress? Is there a healthy path forward where she could return and truly value me?

Bob

Well, I know you’re new to my work, and you’re just now starting to go through the book. And this is why I say you got to read it 10 to 15 times. I mean, read it. Not like listening to the audiobook as you’re driving and doing other things as background noise. I’m talking about sitting in your house in a room with just the audiobook playing, and you following along in a digital or physical copy, maybe on 2X or 1.5X so you can get through the book in a few hours. Because you’ve got to concentrate on the material to really learn it. Because that, you know, again, you went through this book one time and there’s a lot of things that I mean, you may what’d you get, 6%, 7% of the book.

So it’s clear you’re making progress. You’re getting back in the gym, you’re reconnecting to friends, you’re doing things that are all important, but you got to clean up your game, because if you don’t, the next girl you end up with, if you behave this way, you’ll turn her into the man. You’ll turn her into your mommy and your therapist, and the cycle will basically repeat. And you’ll get dumped again because you act like a girl. So the only thing you could really do in this case is again, because she ended it. Now you’re back, you’re in the States. So if she reaches out, you can do a Skype video date or Skype is gone now, but a FaceTime chat or a Zoom call, on video and just talk.

If you have a good conversation, say, well, you should come visit me if you really want to see me, you really want to talk. You want to have a second chance with me, then come visit me, stay for a week or two and let’s see what happens. And she’ll either do it or she won’t. She’ll either book a ticket and email you her itinerary or she won’t. But the chances of something based on where your mind sets at and the fact that she’s very boss girl, she’s going to be difficult to be with because she doesn’t admit any fault or flaws or failure. It’s all 100% on you. So. And we know it’s she’s got to change some things, but you telling her to act more feminine and girly, she’s only going to do that if she feels safe and comfortable with you being the leader.

That means you got to clean up your behavior and stop treating your girlfriend like your mommy or your therapist, or like she’s supposed to complete you and fix you and solve your problems and be your emotional support human. That’s not what a woman is there for. You go to all relationships to give. You’re there to help each other grow, become more, help meet each other’s needs. Because you love her and you want to contribute to her and her happiness, and vice versa. And right now, based on what she’s saying, it looks like she just wants to stick her finger in your eye and blame you so she can feel good about the breakup.

Because probably she’s maybe getting a crack a little bit and maybe feel a little remorseful and a little sad. Or maybe she’s not. So I wouldn’t travel to see her. Let her come to see you. She comes to the States three different times in a row, and as long as you hang out, have fun and hook up again. If you want, you can go visit her. But quite frankly, now that you got the book and if you’re new here, you can read it for free at UnderstandingRelationships.com. Just subscribe to the Email Newsletter. What you should be doing is reading the book religiously and applying it so you can see the patterns in the book work.

And that way, if she ever does come to visit you in the future, you’re a changed man. You act masculine consistently. Because the controllable are your behavior, because we don’t know how she’s going to behave if you act like a man consistently. We know how she behaves when you act like a girl and you make her the man in the relationship. She becomes a dude, basically and she’s not very fun or pleasant to be around. So if you’re in your masculine, will she purr like a kitten? Will she become nice? Will she become compliant? Will she become submissive? Or will she have the same belligerent boss girl kind of attitude?

Because the other thing is, is that if you’re in a relationship, neither one of you two are going to act like your free agents. That means you don’t go hang out and do girls only, or guys only trips with only single people who are trying to get laid and hook up. You’re going to do family oriented things. People that are family oriented want to hang out with other family oriented people, and the people that aren’t, they want to hang out with other single people. So you know, if I’m a betting man, I look at this, I don’t think just based on what I’ve seen, that she’s capable of changing and being soft and feminine and girly. It’s possible, but doesn’t look like it.

That’s why the most important thing is that you do the work on yourself and take care of you. Remember, as Jim Rowan said, “I’ll take care of me for you, and you take care of you for me.” And if you do that, then you put yourself in the best possible position where you’re the most attractive man that you can be, potentially to attract her, but most importantly, to give you some other choices and other options. So maybe, you know, when you do that and you stay in your masculine consistently, you’ll attract a woman who is feminine and girly and submissive. Because if you act like a bitch around women like the way you do, none of them are going to feel safe. The legs are going to close, you’re going to turn them into men, and your relationships are all going to kind of spiral out of control for the same reason.

So you have to learn what you’re doing that turns women off, and you’ve got to correct that behavior and accentuate your masculine behaviors and aspects of your personality. Because that’s what’s going to make a woman attracted to you and keep her attracted to you. And it seems like initially you were able to kind of fake it for a few months, and then once you were serious, you basically turned her into your mommy and your therapist. And after a year or so of it, she just got absolutely sick and disgusted and repulsed by your behavior. And she ditched you and she blew you off. So control the controllables. Control your behavior, and everything else will fall into place.

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen on any page, and book a coaching session with yours truly.

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