Are We A Situationship, Relationship Or Just A Booty Call?

How to know if you’re in a situationship, relationship or just a booty call.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a viewer who has been with his girlfriend for 3 years now. They get along well and she has a child he’s never met. They only see each other on weekends. He says he’ ok with this, but he also dreams of having a family someday and worries their goals don’t align. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

Hi, I’m Coach Corey Wayne and this is my Video Coaching Newsletter. And the topic of today’s Newsletter is going to be, “Are We A Situationship, Relationship Or Just A Booty Call?”.

Well, this particular emails from a viewer. He’s been with his girlfriend for three years. He says they get along really well and she’s got a child, I guess that he’s never met. They live about an hour apart. Typically he drives to see her just on weekends. He says he’s okay with this, but he also, in the back of his mind, would like to have a family of his own someday.

And he also says that they both agreed that they’re not interested in having any more kids. Meaning, it sounds like she’s not interested in having any more kids, and he went along with it. And so, I mean, this is three years this been going on. Never met her kid. So quite frankly, this kind of sounds just like a booty call. Not really even a situationship mate.

Viewer Email:

Dear Coach Wayne,

I’ve been a dedicated student of your work, having read your book more than 20 times. I wrote to you once before, just after my divorce, and your principles were instrumental in helping me heal and get back on my feet. When I was ready to date again, I met a wonderful woman through an online app. We’ve been together for three years now.

She is a successful, divorced businesswoman with one child, and I admire her greatly. She treats me exceptionally well, and our relationship is built on a foundation of mutual respect and strong attraction. We live about an hour apart, and to make it work, we typically see each other on weekends, with me usually traveling to her place.

Well, how come she never comes to see you if it’s only an hour away? It should be give and take. She should drive and you should be driving instead of being a one way J. It just looks like she’s the man in the relationship and has decided the way things are going to be. And you seem like a people pleaser and are just kind of going along with it. And you’re putting your own needs to the side. In other words, you always defer to her authority.

This is my first relationship of this kind, and I find the current dynamic very comfortable. Because we only connect on weekends, I have not met her child, and I am content with that.

I just can’t imagine being in a relationship with a woman for three years and you’ve never met her kid. So clearly she’s keeping the child at arm’s length. And again, it just looks like a weekend booty call. When she doesn’t have the kid, you come, you hang out, you have fun, you hook up, you drive to her. Sounds like she’s got all the leverage. And then you go back home. It’s easy. It’s not messy. You can go about your life and do what you want during the week when you’re not there.

We maintain our connection during the week with about one text message per day, and we are close enough to take international vacations together. My confusion arises when I project into the future. While I am truly happy in the relationship, I occasionally feel a pull toward the idea of having a family and children of my own. Interestingly, when we have discussed the future, we both verbally agree that we don’t want to get married or have more kids.

So that just tells me right there you don’t want to have kids with her. She doesn’t want to have kids with you. You’re not going to get married. It’s an easy situationship/ booty call. It’s like you get your physical needs met every weekend, and then after that, you don’t really talk much. One text a day. It’s not really a relationship. You guys aren’t really growing closer together. You’re just again, it’s like you’re a booty call, a weekend booty call, and occasionally you take trips together. That wouldn’t really qualify as even a situationship. It’s kind of like definitely not a relationship. So you have a sexually exclusive booty call.

Yet, the occasional doubt still lingers for me.

So it just sounds like you agreed with what she wanted. You don’t want to rock the boat because it’s easy. You don’t really have to be a stepdad. You don’t have to do more than drive to see her once a week. So it just sounds like she’s kind of got all the leverage. She’s the man in the relationship, and you’re just kind of going along with it.

Coach, my question for you is, how should I process this internal conflict? I don’t want to sabotage a great thing, but I also don’t want to ignore my own potential desire for a family. How can I determine if this uncertainty is a passing fear or a sign that our long-term visions are misaligned?

What is the next step for a relationship like this, and how do I cope with this confusion?

Thank you for your time and for all the wisdom you share.

Sincerely,

Bob

Well, it’s pretty clear you agreed to something you didn’t really mean. So again, that’s like people pleaser mentality. You’ve got a desire to have a family of your own, and you’re with a woman who’s obviously made it clear she doesn’t want any more kids, doesn’t want kids with you. And she’s cool with the booty call. I mean, where are you going to be in ten years? You’re still going to be driving an hour for a piece of ass once a week? If you’re okay with that. I mean, you said you’re content. So if that’s what you really want, then just keep doing it. But it doesn’t really sound like a close, intimate relationship at all.

You guys are just kind of strangers that hook up. You’ve got a physical relationship, but other than that, you’re not teammates. You’re not cohabitating. You’re not moving closer together. You just are at arm’s length. Again, it’s more of a booty call than anything, but you’re sexually exclusive with your booty call. At the end of the day, are you happy and content with it, with the way things are? And if that’s the case, then keep doing what you’re doing. My job as a coach is to help you get what you want, and you’ve got somebody you’ve got chemistry with, and you enjoy their company.

But when the weekend’s over, you’re glad to leave and go back home and do your own thing. So that tells me you don’t like her enough, and she doesn’t like you enough to want to spend more time together than you do. You’re just cool with the weekend booty call. And again, that’s different strokes for different folks. If that’s what you want, great. But if you want kids and a family and she’s told you she doesn’t want any more kids, and after three years, you know, quite frankly, it’s obvious that neither one of you want to have kids together.

She doesn’t even want you to help co-parent her child. And you seem to be totally cool with that. So that’s you’re going to have to decide whether or not you’re okay with never having children, because quite frankly, even as you get older, older guys can always have kids with younger women. So even if you stay with her for several years, if you really feel the urge in five years from now to have some kids, you can always leave and date somebody else. Date somebody younger, date somebody that’s able to have kids still. So it’s not like you have to make a decision today.

I mean, it’s like, what’s his name? Kelsey Grammer, the actor. He’s 70 and he’s they just had he just had his fifth child with his wife who’s like 42, 45, something like that. You know, you take care of yourself. It’s like men. I mean, Al Pacino, he’s 80. He just had a kid with his 20, 29 year old ex-girlfriend. So it’s like men can always have children. Pretty much until the day they croak. So the question for you is what’s really most important? It sounds like this is easy. But again, your decision you really got to figure out is this how you want to spend the rest of your life with a once a week booty call? Do you want something more intimate?

But again, you said you’re content with it and that’s the important thing. If you’re content, you’re cool with the status quo, then keep doing that. But if you want to have kids, I mean, again, if you’ve been with a woman for three years and you still have not met her child. I’ve been doing this over 20 years now, and I have never gotten an email from a guy who tells me his girlfriend of three years has a child and he’s never met. I’ve never seen that, ever. Not once. And tens of thousands of phone sessions and emails and Video Newsletters and all the people I’ve helped over the last two decades.

Never seen that one time. So it’s not again, it’s just not really a serious relationship. It’s a weekend booty call. And if you’re happy, keep doing what you’re doing. But in order for a relationship to work, your goals and your values have to be aligned. Your values might be aligned, but your goals, especially if you want to have kids and she’s already made it clear she doesn’t. And if she doesn’t want to have more kids, it means she doesn’t want to have kids with you. Again she hasn’t introduced you to her child. That’s just unusual. Most women want the guy they’re involved with to get to know their child and become a stepfather at some point.

Even if the kids are older or they’re fully grown. If you’ve got a blended family, it’s like, what do you do during the holidays? Do you just not see each other? So that’s a nice little conundrum you got. Again, you got time. You can always date a younger woman in the future and have kids. Just see how your feelings change. If you’re content, you don’t really need to rock the boat. I’d say just keep doing what you’re doing, man. So as long as it makes you happy, You know, it almost sounds like you’re relieved when you leave over the weekend because you don’t really have any commitments other than you’ve agreed to be sexually exclusive with her.

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen on any page, and book a coaching session with yours truly.

If you haven’t already signed up for our Premium Members Only Content in the video description. In this video, there are links to join on YouTube, or you can join on Spotify or our Website UnderstandingRelationships.com. Just click the “plans” tab when you get there, and if you sign up for an annual plan, you can get a 25% discount at the end of the seven day free trial. So go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the “plans” tab. Sign up for a free trial today. Until next time, I will talk to you soon.