As She Reaches Out More, You Should See Her More

Why you should arrange more dates the more she reaches out over time.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a new viewer who has had two dates with a new prospect. She is reaching out more and more already and he’s unsure of how to respond. He doesn’t want to be a cold fish and doesn’t want to be too available and get caught up in constant texting throughout the day.

My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

This particular email is a good email that goes through the transition from casually dating, just meeting, to the point where the woman starts reaching out multiple times a week, and then you can use those as opportunities to set the next date.

So this guy’s had two dates with this girl already. So she’s sending him memes and other things and reaching out a bunch, but he’s kind of unsure how to respond because he already has a date set up several days in the future. Yet she’s sending a meme, she’s texting him constantly throughout the day. Where guys get into trouble is in the beginning. When they really like a girl, they’ll do this not knowing any better. Then what happens is when they get out of the honeymoon period, which is usually six to 12 months later, they don’t feel like doing these things anymore. Then the woman starts to get upset that he’s never available, he doesn’t reply or he’s not texting with her.

So she takes it as a personal rejection and it’s really important, especially in the very beginning, that you teach a girl and train a girl how often you’re going to be available and how you like to use the phone. If you make the mistake of always being available 24/7, more often than not, you won’t get very far with her, but if you do it enough and you do enough other things right, what will end up happening is she’s going to expect you to be in constant contact with her. Then if that changes at some point in the future when she’s got used to it, she’s going to get upset with you.

So it’s a good email on what to do to kind of head these issues off so they don’t become an issue, because if you do it properly in the beginning and you just stick to using the phone for dates, not really getting to know somebody, then it’s not going to be an issue. What you’re going to understand is that as a woman likes you more, she calls you more, she texts you more, she wants to see you more, that kind of thing, and guys sometimes get tripped up. They’re like, “Oh, I got a date set up on Friday night. Yet it’s Tuesday and she sent me three texts already during the day,” well if you’re already seeing her and sleeping with her and she’s been to your house before, then you can say, even though you have a date set up for that Friday, you say, “Hey, why don’t you come over later?”

I got several emails, several video newsletters coming up over the next few days that kind of address these different topics. Guys are doing things kind of right, like another one where a guy fell into the trap of doing good morning and good night texts because his girlfriend required it, but now that they’re out of the honeymoon period and they’re about a year down the road, he doesn’t want to do it anymore and it’s upsetting to her. She gets mad. “Hey, you never sent me a good morning text.” So these are some good issues that if you do things properly in the beginning, it’ll make things a lot easier and a lot more effortless later down the road because one of the biggest complaints that women have about men is they’re really romantic in the beginning, then after they’ve been together for a while, they just stop. So this will keep that from happening.

If she’s used to you just using the phone for setting dates, and you’re not much of a talker or texter on the phone, you just understand and recognize, because what it says in the book is if she’s reaching out through talking through the phone, through FaceTime, through texting, you assume she wants to see you and you can make the next date. It doesn’t have to be an official date. Especially if you got a date four or five days in the future set up in advance, you can just invite her over to hang out that night, so it makes it a nice smooth transition if you do things right.

Viewer Email:

Hey Coach!

Reaching out for the first time as a new student. Broke up with my girlfriend of 3 1/2 years earlier this year. I’m 21 from Canada. Only regret was not doing it sooner. Both had fucked family lives and was just a bad relationship. I read your book four times in the last five months. Two of which being the last 10 days, and of course, many videos. Made me see how many problems I had.

Anyways, after this, I have been on five dates with new women. Two duds, one casual hookup situation for two months or so. Then I stopped as it feels weird doing that due to my faith, LOL. 

Well, what it really sounds like is you just weren’t that into her and it’s good, so you didn’t lead her on. You didn’t stick around longer and linger longer than you needed to like most people tend to do because we all know people that stay in relationships way longer than they should, because nobody really likes going through a breakup.

This girl I am talking to most recently I feel have I have applied the principles the best to, so far. Recently had our second date in which we made out three times. After each date, she reached out right after, and of course I made the next date. My problem is arising in such that after making the date, she keeps wanting my presence in the forms of asking me things and just general her wanting to hear from me.

So again, if you already got a date set up in the future and it’s four or five days in advance and she’s texting you that night or that afternoon, especially when a woman’s texting you at 8 or 9:00 at night, you just text her back, say, “Come over.” So if she’s texting you, say you got a date set up. I mean, today’s Monday. Well, let’s play on Tuesday because that’s when you’re actually gonna watch this. So we’ll assume it’s Tuesday, you heard from her, you hung out with her over the weekend, and already on Monday, she was texting you. So you set up a date for Friday night? Well, now it’s Tuesday after your date set up and she’s like, “Hey, handsome! How’s your day going?” “Oh, it’s going great. How’s yours?” You send a few texts back and forth. Then if you’re stepping into a meeting, you’re going to stop responding because you’re in a meeting. Most busy professionals are in and out of meetings throughout the day. Unless, of course, you’re in college and you got no life, you got nothing going on.

You gotta understand, if you’re always available 24/7, if you instantly respond to every one of our messages, then she’s going to expect it through the whole time you’re together. So it helps you to remain more mysterious if you’re not always available 24/7. So if she’s asking you tons of questions, wanting to know this, wanting to know that, just say, “Well, you know, I’m in and out of meetings all day. It seems like you got a lot on your mind. Why don’t you just come by, bring a bottle of wine tonight and we can hang out and talk?” Then send her your address if she hasn’t been there already. More than likely, this usually starts happening after you’ve slept with her.

Again, if you fall in the trap of doing that, there’s a good chance you’re going to talk and text her out of liking you. So the key is, as her interest goes up, she reaches out more and just set the date. It doesn’t have to be an official date where you go and you pick her up and you take her somewhere when she’s doing this. That means her interest typically is high and she wants to see you, and she probably doesn’t want to wait till Friday. So you can say, “Hey, you! I can’t really talk right now, but why don’t you come by later tonight?” And then invite her over and say, “How about 7:00? How about 8:00?” Give her a time. Then if she says, “Oh, well I can’t do that. I just want to talk to you.” It’s like, “Well, I can’t. I’m in and out of meetings all day. I can’t be texting off and on all day long. I’m just too busy. I’m sorry.” So again, if you’re available 24/7, then they’re going to expect it. Like all the puppies that just showed up here, now they’re annoying the shit out of mom. She’ll probably start growling at them in a second, but that’s the way they are. Kitty cats want your attention all the fucking time, to the point where it gets annoying.

So you can tell this guy is kind of getting annoyed. They went on two dates and all they’ve done is kiss, yet she’s constantly texting him. I would say it sounds like she’s probably younger, so she kind of expects him to be available all the time, and when she comes over that later that night, he can say, “Hey, I appreciate you reaching out all the time during the day, but you gotta understand, I’m a busy professional. I’m in and out of meetings and I just don’t want you getting upset when I can’t respond to you right away just because I got meetings. I cannot be on my phone texting all day long. I’ll get in trouble at work. Like I got to be present with my clients, so give me some space to do that. I like to hear from you, but you know, just don’t expect me to be available texting you all day long or keeping a SnapChat streak going off and on throughout the day.”

It doesn’t feel like needy behavior from her (Yet, LOL). I send maybe four texts a day in response to her. I try to be friendly, but keep it short and in a way where it is clear she is chasing me. She is doing this between scheduled dates…

Well, so what that really means is you shouldn’t be setting your dates so far into the future. A lot of guys kind of get tripped up like that. You think, “Oh, I got to pick her up. I got to take her somewhere. We got to go to three places.” Especially if you’re already hooking up and she’s texting you three or four times a day throughout the day, and you just say, “Hey, well why don’t you come over tonight? Why don’t you bring a bottle of wine? We can hang out and watch a movie.” Just simple things like that.

What happens is as you get serious, it’s like she’s going to want to be coming by all the time, and if she knows where you work and she’s like, “Hey, I’m in the area. I want to stop by your office,” I mean, if you work in a job that you can do that because sometimes you can’t, but if you see clients, you’re in real estate or you’re an attorney, you run the business, you’re one of the managers, you can say, “Hey, stop by, scoop me up, and we’ll go around the corner for a cup of coffee,” or something like that. Then you can dip on out and go back to your house for a little afternoon delight.

So it’s typically just what happens if she’s reaching out. You assume she probably wants to see you and wants to be close with you. So facilitate another get-together if she keeps barraging you with lots of messages. It means her interest is high. When she gets her fill of you, guess what? She’s going to text you less. Unless, of course, she’s needy, neurotic and insecure, then she’s going to be a pain in the ass, but this woman has texted him a lot, so we’re going to assume that she just got super high interest.

It’s also quite possible she’s extremely needy and neurotic, and he may have to put his foot down to just say, “Hey, I just cannot be sending any texts back and forth all day. I just don’t have the time for it. I’m sorry. Like I have to work. I don’t want to get in trouble. I got clients coming in. I got meetings. So you got to respect when it’s time for business like, I gotta focus on my business. I’ll respond to you when I can, but don’t expect me to be in a text exchange off and on all day long. I just don’t have time for it. I just can’t.”

…Your guidance would be very helpful. Should I continue to send friendly replies that communicate I am confident and in no rush, or should I be blunt and playful and say, “I really love hearing from you, but I want to save this for when I see your cute face again,” or something? Or maybe something else entirely?

Well you can do that. You can say, “Well, you got a lot on your mind or sounds like you want to catch up. Why don’t you come by tonight and we can catch up? I’m just in and out of meetings. That way I can be fully present. It seems like you got a lot on your mind. Come on over and let’s hang out. Love to see you.”

Also, after our second date, after making out, I can tell I successfully opened her emotions well, telling me she would like to do this and that or whatever after the make out. However, after her reaching out after the second date, she had asked if I wanted to come with her to show around our local area a guy that was apparently a German tourist back packer?

It’s like, what?

I found it a little strange and said, “Sorry, I can’t do it as I am busy. However, it would be great to see you again next week.” She said she would love that and made it very easy for it to happen.

Is the last example a test? Or maybe she just was eager to see me. 

Thank you for your insight on both topics brother. You truly are a gift to young men, especially those how have had fucked up family lives and never experienced what healthy relationships look like.

With Thanks,

Bob

So you’re setting your dates like a week off into the future, so her interest is clearly high. That’s why she wants to see more. So don’t be a robot thinking, “Oh, I only do one date per week.” This is why you do the one date per week. This is called taking measured steps. You do one date per week where you initiate it and it’s clear even after already just two dates, she’s texting you multiple times a day, every day. Usually that happens after she sleeps with you, but her interest is high or she could be extremely needy. We don’t really know yet because it’s still too early in the process, but since she’s the one reaching out, since she’s the one doing the chasing, there’s just no need to wait a whole entire week to see her again.

The reason why you do the measured steps is to get to this point where she’s talking and texting with you all the time, and then it could get to the point where she’s just coming over just about every night. Then maybe once a week, you have a nice official kind of date where you go out, you go to dinner, you get reservations, you go see a show or something like that, or some kind of venue where they’re playing live music or something like that, where it’s obviously not too loud to where you can talk and converse.

So that’s the only thing really going on here because this girl seems to have really high interest. That’s why she’s contacting you so much. So if you’re going to just say, “Hey, let’s talk about it next week,” then it’s six, seven, eight days before you’re going to see her, she’s going to keep messaging you throughout the day and every day. So there’s just no reason to wait until then. So invite her over in the evening, hang out, have fun and hook up. Keep it really simple. So the good news is this girl really likes you and she’s really into you already, and you haven’t even dropped the hammer yet. You haven’t even laid the pipe. So far, you must be doing pretty good.

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