Why the typical nice guy gets walked all over by women and gets stuck in friend-zone, even though they have a lot to offer women.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a woman who is concerned about a male friend of hers who she says is the typical nice guy. She says she often refers clueless men to my work who hit on her and don’t know how to properly interact with women in a romantic way. She shares several of the cringe-worthy things guys do that she meets through online dating sites, including sending unsolicited “dick-pics.”
She writes in asking what she can do to help her best guy friend who is perpetually giving money to women he is trying to date, but who won’t sleep with him, getting disrespected by those same women and is perpetually stuck in friends-zone. My comments are in (bold parenthesis like this below) in the body of her email.
My name is Jessica. I am 28 and I live in Texas. I have been following your work for quite some time, have read your book and I must say, I am absolutely astonished by your understanding of the female mindset and what drives the attractive, successful, funny, smart, “unicorn” to be repelled or attracted by a man’s actions.
I agree with everything you say so much so, that I have even referred your work to clueless guys who hit on me at the bar whom I feel sorry for, or have douchey online profiles that send me spray-tanned-flexing-shirtless gym selfies or even worse, dick pics I didn’t even want or ask for!
I used to think I have a type, but I now know I fall for the way a guy carries himself, not for style of clothes he wears,
(So until she came across my work, she had what she though she was attracted to, because it pushed her buttons emotionally, or she was told that. Then when she really started thinking about it, she realized there was a vibe and a personality that was drawing her to certain types of men),
his common interests, or his lifestyle. I see guys that try too hard hundreds of times a week it seems, to the point I feel a little hopeless I will never find a man who understands what keeps me interested yet and is also single and available.
(Remember, the top 3% in every field of the guys and girls making all the money are taking great care of themselves, having a great life, a great lifestyle, balling out in whatever their career or business happens to be. And if you’re watching this video, you’re one of the few that has higher standards.)
But this email isn’t really about me. I have my wits about myself and keep the faith eventually a 3% man will come into my life and sweep me off my feet.
(Well, we’re making new ones every day! Every person that reads my book and applies it, eventually they get there. Some sooner than others, depending on the stories they tell themselves that get in the way.)
This email is really about my best guy friend who doesn’t know I’m writing you. He falls into the typical nice guy category, hence why he’s my best guy friend.
(He probably started out as some dude you thought you may even date. He maybe even wanted to date you, but you friend zoned him, and he stuck around all this time.)
He’s also much older than I and feels more like a father figure or older brother. But that’s not the worse part of it. He spends thousands of dollars on women who won’t even go to bed with him, or they are reluctant to go on dates. They only text or meet up to ask for rent, or need money to pay a divorce lawyer, DWI court fees, money for their own children, get their hair highlighted and the list goes on and on.
(He sounds like a successful dude who has more money than common sense. He’s using money as a bribe for sex and a relationship, and he’s getting none of it. They’re just emptying his bank account. I often talk to a lot of guys who are in this situation or are recovering from being these types of dudes.
If if you look at TV, what does it show? On every other fucking commercial, the woman’s really strong. She’s the smart one in the relationship, she’s got everything all handled, she knows exactly what to do, and the guy acts like the biggest fucking clueless pussy. And she is usually putting him down and making fun of the guy like, what an idiot my boyfriend or husband or significant other happens to be. It’s usually the same on most comedies on TV as well. The woman is the smart, masculine one and the guy is usually all over the ice. The woman is more like a mommy to him instead of a teammate or an equal.
When you see this thousands of times, from the time you’re a child until you grow up, you start to think, well, this is the way it is. You convince yourself, especially if you don’t have anybody to teach you these things at home, that this is the way it’s supposed to be. Buy her things, kiss her ass, beg, plead, try to prove yourself, jump through your butt hoping she’ll like you, and eventually over time, you’ll wear her down, and she’ll say yes. It doesn’t work that way in the real world, which a lot of guys seem to find out. Yet, they keep doing the same thing over and over, expecting a different result.)
He has even sent the 2 main women I’m speaking of flowers at their work, and it’s starting to make me sick to my stomach to listen to it all. He vents to me and says, “I gave ****** $2,500 last week, and she didn’t even say thank you,
(Well, no one will ever do or say anything to you that you don’t invite them to do. I mean, for that kind of money, you could get a high-quality hooker. Come on. What the fuck dude?),
*******s daughter asked for $1,200 last week, because her dad wouldn’t give it to her, and she won’t even meet me for dinner.”
(That’s pretty pathetic.)
About 6 months ago I started forcing him to listen to your videos, and I even bought your book on his phone and downloaded it for him, so he could listen while on his long commutes.
(The thing you’ve got to consider is, part of where this guy is at, this is the story he tells himself. He’s really convinced himself, eventually he’s going to get what he wants. It’s just like a drug addict. Until a drug addict or alcoholic recognizes that they have a problem, they could have the best intentions in the world, but if they’re not open to it, if they don’t recognize they have a problem, it doesn’t matter. They’re not ready.
You can suggest and tell them why it’s disgusting to you, why he’s not getting anywhere with these women, why it’s repulsive. People will do more to avoid pain than they will to gain pleasure, and masculine energy grows through challenge. So tweak his balls. Tell him how when he tells you these things, it causes you to lose more respect for him as a man. I mean, have some self respect already dude.
If deep down this guy has got a belief about himself, that he’s not good enough to have what he wants, if he’s really convinced himself of that, then he believes that’s his truth. Therefore, interacting with a woman and her kids like this, giving them money, and they won’t even spend time with him, that justifies his model of the world. In other words, I’m not deserving or worthy of having what I want. Then he interacts with someone like this and doesn’t get what he wants. It’s just a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Remember what Tony Robbins said, “People will act consistently with who they view themselves to be, whether that view is accurate or not.” I can tell from this dude’s actions that he has an inaccurate view of himself. By continuing being involved with women like this, he’s avoiding getting into a relationship altogether because deep down, he doesn’t think he deserves it. Then he complains to you. This is one of the ways people fulfill their need for love and connection. You need to be brutally honest with him. Tell him, dude, you’re acting like a pussy. Grow a set of balls, and be a man.
Tell him, stop dating women that are broke as a joke. Get involved with women that are on the same level as you are, where they’re successful and don’t need you. You want a teammate. But if he’s not open to it, there’s not a lot you can do about it. He’s constantly inviting these women to walk all over him, because there are no consequences. He doesn’t stand up for himself. He just lets them do it, and then he bitches to you and probably every other person in his life. Poor me, poor me. People feel sorry for him, and that’s how he fills his need for love and connection, in a very disfunctional way.
There are six human needs: certainty, variety, love and connection, significance, growth and contribution. When you focus on contribution, because love is about giving, you fulfill all of the other needs. But if you’re just giving and giving to somebody else, and they’re just taking and you don’t get anything back, you’ve got to love yourself and have some self-respect. You only want to hang out with people who value you, not somebody who’s not only blowing you off, but taking your money.)
I suggested hundreds of times he listen to your videos and book.
(He’s still not doing it. I guess you like being a sucker, being walked all over, having blue balls, not having a girlfriend and women disrespecting you. You’re very consistent. You consistently act like a guy who doesn’t feel like he deserves what he wants. Just tell him, I don’t want to hear you whine about it. You don’t get what you deserve in life, you only get what you negotiate, and he’s being a horrible negotiator for himself personally.)
When we would drive places, I would plug in the book or specific videos about being in the friend zone, texting savvy, manipulative women and other videos I felt relevant, and it just seemed the information would go in one ear and out the other.
(He doesn’t recognize there’s a problem. He’s comfortable with his story, his model of the world. All you can do is gently lead and suggest. He likes the abuse. Maybe you should tell him he should go get a therapist, because he’s behaving like a guy who views himself and romantic prospects as being totally worthless and useless. Therefore he attracts people into his life who treat him as being totally worthless and useless.)
I finally now just say, “well whatever makes you happy” when he complains to me about “so and so won’t date him, yet he is funneling her and her children thousands of dollars.” I think he may be a lost cause, but maybe this email could help other guys understand coming from the “unicorn’s” mouth: MONEY CANNOT and will not BUY LOVE! So stop wasting it. Is there anything else I can do for my friend?
(When I’m doing these videos, sometimes I’ll really lay into a guy to emotionally anchor him to something that’s really painful and really unpleasant and then offer a pleasurable alternative. Think about that when you talk to him. Point out the pain, what he’s feeling, but also the pleasure he’ll get from the alternative that will get him the results he wants.
You mentioned you’re constantly attracting dudes who behave this way. Well, you hang out with guys that behave this way, so what you observe you participate in. If you’re constantly putting the vibe out into the universe that this kind of behavior is acceptable in your life, the universe is going to give you more of that. You really should be thinking about who you’re going to spend your time with. The universe will give you more of what you’re emotionally anchored to. Spending your time with dudes like this is part of the reason why you’re constantly attracting men that act just like this guy. You’re putting a vibe out into the universe that you’re okay being around weak men. Maybe you don’t cut him completely out of your life, but maybe limit the time you spend with him. Scarcity creates value. In other words, if he wants to hang out with you, he’s got to start acting like a fucking man.)
Am I doing the right thing by stepping away, and no longer offering my listening ears and advice?
(Absolutely. What you observe, you participate in. So the more you tolerate this in your life, the more of it you invite into your life.)
I really do love human psychology, which lead me to your work. I felt that by understanding the male mind, I could better understand myself, but I don’t know how a coach is to get through the thicker skulls out there in the world.
(Well, you’re trying to help or change somebody who’s just not open to it at this point and time. Set some standards for yourself and what you’re willing to accept in your life, and then don’t tolerate anything else. You’re tolerating this vibration in your life and it’s affecting your personal life in a negative way. That’s why you’re having a hard time finding the kind of guys that you want, because you spend so much time with these weak kinds of dudes.
Be receptive to the kind of guys you want be spending time with. I know you want to save and help everybody, but if this guy’s not willing to do anything to help himself, it’s not your job to save or to fix him. If you’re constantly attracting guys that you’ve got to teach, because there’s something wrong, just don’t hang out with people like that. You are who you associate with.)
Just a girl asking for a friend,
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From my heart to yours,
Author, Speaker, Peak Performance Coach, Entrepreneur
“Modern feminism has increasingly become toxic to male and female gender roles and dating dynamics. In an effort to make the sexes equal, women are taught to be more masculine and assertive, and men are taught to be more feminine, sensitive, placating, weak and unsure of themselves. This causes women to act more like men and men to act more like women. This ruins the sexual polarity and sexual attraction between the average unsuspecting man and woman. The epitome of this unhealthy dating dynamic is the typical nice guy who is perpetually friend-zoned and jerked around by his romantic interests. Self-respecting masculine men who have choice with women know to walk away from women who mistreat them, don’t reciprocate romantic interest or try to friend-zone them, instead of sticking around, trying to change their minds and seek their approval. Placating, approval seeking behavior is disgusting and repulsive to feminine women who want a real man who knows how to lead and be a man.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne
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