The importance of being focused on authentic giving to your relationship partner and how this will build intimacy and lead to great sex, versus how being attached to sex and getting laid will actually push your relationship partner away and cause them to lose interest in sex.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a viewer who is trying to save his marriage. So far I’ve done one phone session with him and in this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email coaching email he sent two weeks after our first phone session. For several years, he was focused on building his business, making money and being successful to the point that he completely neglected his wife by taking her for granted, not courting her properly and paying little to no attention to her. They are in marriage counseling together since he found out that she was having an online emotional affair with another man. She discontinued the affair and this woke him up to the fact that he is on the verge of losing his wife forever.
She’s already told him she’s okay with ending their marriage and moving on with her life, but since they have children together, she is willing to give him a chance and make things right. He is extremely sexually frustrated and totally attached to having sex with her again. He started to date her and court her again, but you can tell from his email that he’s still acting like a horny virgin teenager who’s trying to get laid for the first time on spring break. I critique his dating and courtship attempts to continue to help him fine-tune his approach so he can save his marriage.
I hope you’re doing well. Two weeks ago, I had a phone session with you regarding my relationship issues with my wife of 7 years. If you recall, I had stopped courting her properly for the last couple of years, and she had lost all her attraction for me. (She wants to be loved and adored and see over months that you’re willing to go the extra mile to court and date her properly.) When I realized just how disconnected we had become, it was too late. She had emotionally walled herself off from me, and was conducting an online affair with a male friend. She stopped her affair, and we’re now working on our relationship and seeing a counselor. I’ve been taking her out on dates, showing her a good time and she’s been opening up little by little. (It took a long time for her to fall out of love and start an online affair with another guy, so a week or two of you showing her you’ve changed is not sufficient time for her to fall back in love with you.) You told me on our call that I was acting like the horny teenager on spring break trying to get laid since I was jumping the gun and trying to get her to bed, and then getting butt hurt when she rejected me. You advised me to take things slower, to look for the signs that she’s ready to be kissed, and then do the two steps forward, one step back strategy of escalation. You advised me on communication skills during dates to ask her questions so she can do most of the talking, to make her feel like I’m genuinely interested in who she is, etc. (You have to be interested in who she is, what she’s doing, and what’s going in in her mind.) I’ve been doing this, and I’ve been waiting to see the signs that she wants to be touched and kissed. We had a date at home last week, and things were going well. (You should be going out and doing fun things, not having a date at home. That’s not making much of an effort.) We sat on the couch and she moved herself close to me so she could touch me. Then we went to bed since she was tired. (Since you’ve neglected her so much over the past, she may not want to go all the way with you. Women want romance. You will have to take the time over several months to show her you care about her.)
Last week I set up another date night at home, where I had planned to give her a back rub with massage oil. (That’s boring and predictable. She is probably thinking you just want sex. You should be taking her out to have fun.) She was skeptical at first because she thought I wanted her to get fully naked, but I assured her, only her back and arms needed to be exposed. I started rubbing her shoulders with oil, and I could tell she was uncomfortable. After about 5 minutes, I could tell she wasn’t into it, and I asked her if she wanted me to stop, to which she said yes. (I would have kept massaging her. The idea is to give.) Inside, I was very disappointed. I had planned the night with much detail, only to have it fail miserably, and I thought, “now my wife can barely handle my hands on her back?” (Giving her a massage at home after dinner is a half-assed attempt.) I’m trying not to get butthurt over rejection, but I’ve been working on our relationship for two months now, and I haven’t yet gotten a real kiss from her. (All you did was arrange two dates at home. You didn’t even take her out. That is ultimate laziness. You need to show her you care.)
This past weekend, I took her out to dinner and then to a club. There was a moment where we were looking at each other’s eyes, and I kissed her. She let me kiss her, but I wasn’t sensing much passion coming from her. (It’s a start. You’ve been neglecting her for years. What the fuck did you expect? This is like going out on a first date and expecting the girl to marry you and want to have your kid on the first night. There is a process to courtship.) The bottom line is that I’m not feeling any sexual attraction coming from her. Meanwhile, my attraction for her is through the roof, and it’s frustrating. (You did this to yourself, but you still have time to save your marriage if you court her properly. She needs to see your consistent effort, day in and day out.) It’s not that I’m gunning for sex. I just want to have a nice make out session with her, that’s it, but this has not yet happened. I’m continuing to take her out on dates, at least once a week, but I’m starting to question this strategy. Can I over-pursue my wife of 7 years? (I wouldn’t say you’re over pursuing her. You’re just not courting her properly.) Should I back off, or will backing off create the same situation that got me in this problem in the first place when I was taking her for granted? (No, you shouldn’t back off. Take her on one date per week.) Should I be complimenting her on her beauty and telling her how sexy I find her when she’s apparently still not opening herself physically, not even wanting to be kissed? Where am I going wrong? (You’re not even in the mindset to compliment her properly. Everything is a bribe for sex with you. If you think she’s beautiful, you need to tell her. Celebrate her beauty.)
My response to him:
Your wife is obviously very shut down to you. It obviously has taken a long time for her to get this way. So what if it takes 2-3 months to rebuild passionate intimacy. The problem is, she’s holding back and she does not trust that you are sincere or that this new version of you is really going to last. She fell out of love with you because you did not court her properly. You’re treating your dates as if they are a bribe for sex. In other words, you’ll take her out as long as she sleeps with you at the end of your date. The good news is, when you were in the club, you kissed her. You should keep dating her once per week for at least two months. Just keep taking her out and showing her a good time, making sure she does 80-90% of the talking. And when she starts physically touching you, then kiss her. You’ve got to learn infinite patience.
Your email still looks like it was written by a sexually frustrated, horny teenager who’s dying to lose his virginity. It’s only been two weeks. Take your time, and have fun. Focus on making your wife happy, her smiling and having a good time. That’s what she wants to see, that you actually care about her and who she is after neglecting her for so many years. The purpose of all relationships is that you go there to give. You’re focused on horse trading i.e. trading dates for sex, being a good listener for sex, spending time with her to get some sex, giving her a massage in hopes that it leads to sex, telling her she looks beautiful in hopes that she wants to fuck you, etc. She can feel when you are 100% authentically present and when you’re only doing things to get some pussy. If she looks beautiful, tell her. Celebrate her beauty, but never compliment her with an intention to get something in return. There is a massive difference in between giving a gift authentically from your heart, and doing something only because you think it will get you something you want.
“Sex and intimacy are a direct result of authentic giving and having fun with your relationship partner and lover. Women can tell when a man is giving to them as an authentic gift from his heart. They can also tell when a guy is doing or saying things as a bribe for sex and a relationship. Authenticity and giving without attachments to any outcome or result will open her heart…and eventually her legs. Scheming, ass-kissy compliments, gifts, expensive dates or dinners, agreeing with things you don’t agree with, etc., will close her heart and cause her to withdraw. Men who are successful with women know that dating is supposed to be having mutual fun together no matter what they are doing. It involves great conversation, being a great listener, and being sincerely, authentically interested and inquisitive about things that matter to her. Sex and intimacy are like the dessert at the end of a great meal or like the grand finale at a fireworks show. Seduction is the result of a proper courtship process, not an event.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne