Attracting the right woman for you through the process of self-improvement and mindset mastery.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a guy who has a lousy mindset and a low opinion of himself. Because of this, he is intimidated by women and gets angry and upset when they challenge him, instead of being playful and having a better and funnier comeback that communicates that he is indifferent to, and amused by, their tests of his strength.
He says he’s a pretty successful guy otherwise and makes over $100,000 per year. He hasn’t had sex in five years, has had two girlfriends in his life and is in his early thirties, but worried about the fact he is getting older and doesn’t have the kind of success with women he would like. I tell him what he needs to focus on to turn around his personal life for the better. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.
Hey Coach Corey,
My name is Bob. I have a serious problem with women that no psychologist seems to be able to help me to overcome. I’ve been to plenty. I don’t want to waste your time, as I’m sure you read tons of emails from hopeless men who are always asking themselves, “What is wrong with me?” and “How can I fix this?”
When you ask that kind of question, your brain goes, “Oh, there must be something wrong with me. Let me find a reason that justifies there’s something wrong with me.” Asking yourself quality questions is essential to get from where you are to where you want to be. “How can I fix this?” is a great question. That forces your brain to come up with a good, positive, empowering answer.
Your self-talk is, in a large part, going to determine where you ultimately end up in life and what you can and can’t accomplish, so you’ve got to think very carefully about what’s going on in your own mind and what you’re saying to yourself when you’re thinking and talking about yourself to yourself.
I will try to make this email as short as possible, that being said, I have a lot to unpack. Here goes.
- Low self-esteem/low self worth
Again, that’s a choice. You’ve made a conscious choice to say “I suck. I’m not good. I’m not good with women. I’m not going anywhere. I’m not going to meet the kind of women I want. I’m not going to have the kind of life I want.” You’re telling yourself that. That’s a way to soothe your ego, to soothe your consciousness and make it okay that life is not where you want it to be. It justifies staying stuck where you are.
The reality is, you’ve decided to place some negative, disempowering meanings to things that have happened in your life. This makes you feel good about not moving yourself forward. If you have a hard time talking to women, this justifies not talking to them. And if you’re not talking to them, then you’re not getting practice, and you’re not getting experience.
The only way to get better is to do the things you’re scared of and you’re uncomfortable with. You have to move from where you are and get outside of that comfort zone. That’s the only way your life is going to change. You have to take action. Time is going to pass, whether you do anything to help yourself or you do nothing.
Some day, you’re going to end up somewhere as a result of taking positive action towards what you want, or just trying to live a mediocre life and settle. And it sucks settling. Mediocrity sucks. You don’t want to be there. If you’re watching this video, you’re the type of person that wants more for yourself than what you have now.
2. Attractive dude
3. Bi-racial guy
4. Early 30s
5. Very passive “nice guy” type
If you turn on the TV and watch you’re average movie, that is the vibe that they’re trying to teach men — to be pleasers, to be super nice, to be super accommodating, don’t ever speak up, don’t ever get angry, don’t ever get emotional about things that don’t go your way. Just basically, be a zombie and say “yes dear” and do whatever your girl wants, because if you’re extra, super nice to her, she’ll fall in love with you and think you’re swell. It doesn’t work like that in the real world. Women like dangerous masculinity.
Dangerous masculinity is changing jobs when you’re unhappy. Dangerous masculinity is moving across the country for a job opportunity you’re excited about or maybe you just want to live in the area you’re moving to. Taking a risk in a crowd of people, going up and talking to a cute girl that you noticed is checking you out. That is dangerous, that is risky, because you’re risking rejection and everybody seeing you fail. That’s what women like.
Women don’t like the guy who sits in the corner with a beer or a drink in front of his chest and just stares in a creepy way and never has the courage to do anything about it. You’ve got to at least try, because if you try and you fail, you went for it. Now you can cross that person or opportunity off your list. And instead of wondering a week or two later, “God, if I had only talked to that girl,” or “Man, if I had gone in and tried to get that job when they were hiring, maybe things would have been different.”
At least if you make an attempt and you fail, you can cross it off your list. That means you were brave. That means you fucking went for it. That’s the kind of thing you want to pat yourself on the back for — that you took the repetition, because repetition is the mother of skill. The only way you’re going to get better is by taking action, learning from your mistakes, growing your reserve of knowledge, and persevering towards the things you want.
6. When people, especially women, are mean to me, I take it personally, like I’m not man enough, and they can see that immediately and take advantage of it.
Well, women don’t like weakness. You’ve got to learn to realize, the best approach is humor. You don’t take yourself too seriously, you’re not butt-hurt, you’re not offended, you’re not diminished. If a girl challenges you and tries to give you the impression that she’s not interested, or she doesn’t like you, you’re going to have the attitude of, “You’ll warm up to me. You’re just saying that. You really think I’m cute.” If you have the attitude that you’re fucking awesome and you bring something to the table, you’re going to kind of smirk.
When a woman feigns disinterest or dislike, or she doesn’t like what you say, and you’re comfortable with what you said and you feel proud of it, you’ve got to live that truth. Whether she likes you or not is irrelevant. You being you is the important thing. You always want to have a better, funnier comeback to things women say that communicate that you’re completely indifferent, and you’re amused by it. And deep down you know she really likes you anyway, because if she didn’t like you, she wouldn’t be talking to you.
When this happens, I self-destruct. I hit the bottle hard,
Which is avoiding the issue.
and it has caused me problems in my personal life, and at my job.
You can’t run from yourself. You can’t hide from your problems. You’re problems will follow you everywhere. You’ve got to learn to embrace it. Focus on deciding ahead of time that no matter what somebody says to you, or if 99% of the women you encounter don’t like you or aren’t into you, you’re just trying to get through those 99% to get to one who does like what you have to say, and who does think you’re cute and who does want to talk to you.
If you presuppose ahead of time that you suck, you’re going to give off that vibe. You’ve already lost. Before you open your mouth, you’ve already convinced yourself that you’ve got nothing of value to offer, versus having the vibe that I’m just going to have a good time, and if people don’t like me, then that’s none of my business. It’s not my fucking problem. It’s their problem.
7. I’m literally scared of strong women. When I was a teenager I was yelled at and berated in high school by a woman in front of the whole school and laughed at, and I did nothing. This traumatized me, and I sort of just take abuse.
That’s why you’ve got to have a better, funnier comeback. If somebody breaks your balls, break their fucking balls back. As I talk about in my book, “How To Be A 3% Man,” 90% of the time you’re a charming James Bond, and 10% of the time, you’re going to treat women like the bratty little sister. So, if a chick is fucking with you, fuck back with her in a funny, playful way. It doesn’t mean to be a dick.
8. I’ve had 2 girlfriends and have not had sex in 5 years.
Dude, I talk to guys who have been married to the same woman for forty years, and they stopped having sex twenty years ago. You don’t have any fucking problems compared to those guys. So, come on dude. You’re just being overly hard on yourself. And again, this is part of, “Oh, I haven’t had sex in five years. It’s over for me!” So what? You could meet somebody this weekend and live happily ever after.
9. I have a visceral reaction to conflict of any kind, and it scares the shit out of me,
Well, don’t seek conflict. Almost 100% of the time, you can diffuse every situation that can potentially lead to conflict. Again, it’s all about your attitude and your vibe. Let “no drama” be your policy.
mostly with women, because I get too scared to go toe to toe with them verbally. With men, it’s usually been physical, which is a lot easier for me.
Again, you don’t want to be going around trying to start fights with every guy to prove your manhood to them. If you don’t take yourself too seriously, and you don’t take shit personally if somebody’s nasty to you, that says more about that person than it does about you. As far as women go, it’s not about going toe-to-toe. It’s about having fun. Love is playful and fun. It’s not serious. It’s not about being a dickhead.
10. I am moderately successful. I live in a big city and make over $100k a year. I have a bachelor’s degree and usually take women out and get nothing in return.
Love is about giving. You’re going out because you want to have a good time. If you click with the girl, have sexual chemistry with the girl, and you end up hanging out, having fun and hooking up, or maybe dating, great. If not, if it goes nowhere, at least you went out and you had a good fucking time. That sentence tells me that you kind of have the mindset of “What can I do to get this girl to like me?” Whereas, most women go on a date with the attitude of “Is this guy a good match for me? Do I like him? Are we going to be good together?” Therefore, you’re on probation, and she should be on probation as well.
You should have a skeptical attitude. “I’m going to give this girl a shot and see how it goes. I don’t really know her that well.” Remember, people can hide who they are for ninety days. If you’re going to date somebody consistently, you need to date them for at least ninety days before you can get an accurate picture of who they really are on their good days and their bad days before you can decide whether or not it’s something you want to put up with or live with.
The reality is, there’s a lot of really beautiful, sexy, fun girls in this world that just suck to be in a relationship with, because they’re a fucking pain in the ass. Just because she’s hot doesn’t mean she’s a good match for you. And guys that don’t have an abundance of women in their lives will take whatever they can get, and they put up with just incredibly shitty bad attitudes. And unfortunately, that validates how the women are showing up. Therefore, they’re little fucking tyrants.
11. This makes me angry, and I must admit, I think I am angry with women in general,
Well, what is behind anger? Fear. So, what you’re afraid of is that they’re not going to like you. Again, that is the wrong mindset. You should have the mindset of “I’m trying to get to know this girl to determine whether or not she’s a good match for me and if I should like her. It’s a night and day difference from your attitude. A date really is a prequalification. You’re trying to see what they’re like.
because: 1) They’ve always bullied me and made me feel inadequate,
Well, you chose to feel inadequate based on what was happening.
2) I had a pretty bad role model as a mom,
Hey dude, my mother was a psychotic schizophrenic. The woman I knew as my mother died when I was nineteen. When she flipped out and had a nervous breakdown, she was never the same person again. So, boo-hoo. We all have things that happen to us that suck in life. It doesn’t have to define who you are. So, you’re mom was a bad role model. You’re in your thirties now dude. You can’t use that as an excuse to have it affect your actions going forward.
You just have to say, “You know what, it’s a strength. Because of this, I’m going to be a better man. I’m going to make more of an effort to be a better man than the average guy who actually had a good mom growing up.” Because of this wound that you have, it can actually become a strength and make you better than most guys. Quite frankly, you’ll work harder to overcome it than a guy that had everything handed to him.
and 3) I feel frustrated because I give so much, and get nothing in return.
Don’t focus on the results dude. You have to focus on the process. Any great professional athlete is not necessarily going to focus on how many catches, or how many hits, how many touchdowns, how many homeruns, or how many baskets he made. He’s going to focus on the process of being the absolute best athlete, player and teammate he can be. The scores, the points, the games and the results are secondary. They will take care of themselves. You have to focus on the process.
Where you’re at in the process is, you need to personally get better and more comfortable interacting with women. Therefore, you have to interact with more women. You have to get used to going around and talking to people everywhere you go. Get in the habit of striking up conversations with strangers.
I don’t want to resent women. I want to be emotionally healthy.
Well, all you have to do is start acting in a healthy way. Don’t take shit personally. The world is full of reasons to take shit personally. All you have to do is turn on one of the major news networks, and there’s a gazillion reasons why to be upset and unhappy about the world. It doesn’t need to be that way.
12. I know women think I’m a pussy, but I don’t know how get out of it.
Well, simple — stop acting like a pussy. Act like a guy who brings something of value to the table. Act like a guy who’s seeking to have fun, and look for reasons to smile and laugh and not take themselves or life too seriously.
I feel bad and scared if I stand up for myself, show anger, etc., so I mostly just take the hits and laugh.
Don’t take shit personally. Especially with what I do and the amount of people who follow me, I get nasty emails pretty much every day. I get nasty, fucking horrible comments. People say the worst things you can imagine about other human beings to me all the fucking time. You have to let it roll off your fucking back.
13. All this goes away when I drink alcohol. I’m usually the life of the party, and I have the social skills to get the girl, more so than the average dude. It’s like it’s all there when I drink, but drinking has become a problem for me, so I need to know if you’d help me out, because I desperately need it, as I’m getting older, and I really would like to find the right woman.
Well, finding the right woman is really a result of becoming the right man. Every time you leave the house, and you’re acting like a butt-hurt baby, yeah, women are not going to want to be around you. You can’t let shit bother you. Don’t take shit personally.
14. Please let me know if you can work with me, and how much you charge.
If you’re interested in booking a phone session with me, go to my website and click the Products tab, but in the meantime, I highly recommend you read my book “How To Be A 3% Man” and start applying it, because it’s in applying it that you’re going to develop your skill. What you need is new experiences where things go well. It’s an art. It’s a mindset. You’ve got to think about how you’re thinking about yourself.
Thanks so much, and your videos are amazing!
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From my heart to yours,
Author, Speaker, Peak Performance Coach, Entrepreneur
“In order to accomplish great things in life, you must have the courage and conviction to take consistent action towards making your grandest goals and dreams a reality, despite the potential for failure. You don’t have to be great to start out, but you must make the required effort to learn, grow and become better slowly over time in order to become great and exceptional. Until you succeed and finally manifest your dreams, a lot of time is going to pass, and you will have to get used to wondering if your efforts will eventually pay off, despite experiencing long periods of failure, setbacks and doubt. A burning desire and passion for your goals and dreams is the necessary fuel you’ll need to stay motivated and persevere when the future is in doubt. This is the essence of masculine energy. Taking risks, overcoming challenges, breaking through barriers and having a purpose and mission that is emotionally compelling to you. Your actions are evidence of your conviction about yourself and your capabilities. Taking action makes you feel more confident and hopeful. Inaction makes you shrink from challenges and fear the future. As you make progress and see positive results, this builds your confidence and makes you more attractive to women because of your bravery, despite future success being in doubt. Attracting the right woman is the result of becoming the kind of person you want to attract. This happens when you feel great about yourself and your life, even when you have a long way to go to reach your dreams.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne
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