Attraction Isn’t A Choice

Apr 13, 2012 by Coach Corey Wayne

Here’s why attraction isn’t a choice and how understanding this principle can help you attract the perfect person for you! This is a very important principle for you to understand. Not every person who you find attractive is going to feel the same way about you. You’re also not going to find every person who is attracted to you, attractive. Human beings tend to be attracted to members of the opposite sex who have a similar facial structure to their own. When you ignore the fact that attraction isn’t a choice and plow ahead convincing yourself you have a chance with someone who repeatedly tells you they are not romantically interested in you, you put yourself in a position to suffer unnecessarily. The reason most unhappy couples don’t leave their loveless relationships is, they’re too scared to risk leaving because they fear they won’t find someone better. That is why I ended up getting married to my first wife. Eventually I pulled my head out of my ass and accepted reality; I was never going to be IN LOVE with her even though I loved her. Since all human beings will do more to avoid pain than they will do to gain pleasure, many single people will stay fixated on someone who doesn’t want them to avoid the pain of rejection. They bullshit themselves into believing that someday they’ll get their chance. Therefore, they don’t have to take any risks that can lead to rejection with other romantic prospects. They blame their being single on the person who doesn’t want them which enables them to do nothing to change their relationship situation. It becomes part of “their story” which is their excuse for why they don’t have what they want in their life. Men and women both are guilty of this behavior. The following is an e-mail from a woman who is fixated on a man who has no romantic feelings for her, but he really enjoys their friendship. On top of that, he’s got lots of drug problems and addiction problems. My comments are (in bold brackets like this) in the body of her e-mail:

Hi Corey,

Ok, here’s my question: I went out with a guy for years, then we didn’t talk for years. We did love each other for years, but it wasn’t fully mutual – I loved more. Then, we spent most of 2011 together as friends, but in October I got worried b/c my feelings came back. Well, really they’re new feelings. I love him and love how he’s matured… but… I knew he wouldn’t respond well. (So you’re bullshitting yourself it sounds like.) So I told him how I felt and that I couldn’t just be friends. So I guess we shouldn’t hang out. I knew it wouldn’t be mutual. (Well, doesn’t it sound silly for you to get hung up on a guy who does not feel the same way?) He’s had drug, alcohol, gambling, porn issues for years. (Hello McFly! Those are not qualities that are conducive to having a good relationship.) Yes, sounds crazy, but he has 1,000 good qualities too. (You can’t fall in love with someone’s potential. It’s not your job to fix or save him. Go find a healthy person to have a relationship with. You should read this article and apply it to attract the perfect person for you.) I’m just listing the crap, b/c it’s the thing that he says keeps him from intimacy. He even admitted this. (Another reason why you should find a guy who has his shit together.)

He escapes with all this crap via his addictions he says, but now he has quit all this via 12-step groups for about a year. However, gambling and porn he’s only quit for about 3 months. He says he’s too raw to give anything in a relationship. He has texted and emailed me and says he misses hanging out. He asks, “Are u sure, you’re sticking to your idea about no hanging out?” and I said “It’s too hard to swallow my feelings and just be friends.” He sort of understands, but is bummed. So, a week later he met someone. I found out last week. It’s been 3 months now. I called him to say I wish I hadn’t cut off our friendship. (Translation: “It’s too scary to try and find someone new, so I’m settling for NOTHING by staying fixated on him.”) He agrees and then tells me about the other girl. A stab in my heart. So wow, he’s so “raw and feels he has nothing to give” but is willing to try with another – this is also a stab in my heart. (The bottom line? He has LOW romantic interest in you. Never try to keep someone who does not want to keep you. You must find someone who is passionate about you and you about them… ROMANTICALLY. There must be a strong physical MUTUAL ATTRACTION in order to have a passionate relationship.)

He has told me he thinks I’m too good for him. (Translation: “You should go find yourself a man who wants you as much as you want him.) I deserve better, bla bla. Maybe I do. (Of course you do.) Sometimes I have agreed, not verbally, but what I wonder is, IS THIS ALWAYS a COP OUT? I’ve heard it is always a cop out, but since I’ve never touched drugs, finished University, have morals, am attractive according to him and others, etc. and he feels he doesn’t live up to something, and has a lot of shame, could this be something he really thinks? (He simply does not feel the same way you do. Get over it. Some people who you like, won’t feel the same way about you. Some people who like you, you won’t feel the same way about them. Fact of life and dating. I think all women want me. Most of the time it’s a false premise, but that does not hinder me from ever going for what I want. It’s a numbers game… and… you only need one good one to have a great relationship with.) Since this idea is STUCK in his head, will we never be together b/c he’s “written off the idea” if he always puts me on a pedestal? (No, he simply has low romantic interest in you. You ignore this fact, even though you know it’s true. You admitted this above.) So it’s like a ruined idea. Should I let go? (You already know the answer to this. What is the definition of insanity? Doing the same thing over and over again expecting a different result.) I have moved on, physically. I’m not calling or emailing, but my heart is broken. I still love him and just can’t believe this isn’t an “EXCUSE” – IT is SUCH REJECTION. (Get over it. Most people you like and want… are not going to feel the same way. Stop staying stuck in the past. When we want reality to be other than it is, we suffer.) From a guy’s perspective, can you tell me if this is never a true reason? (The attraction is simply not mutual. Find someone new who is healthy, single and ready to mingle! You should read my book. You can download the Amazon Kindle version of my book to your Smartphone, PC, Mac or iPad in under 60 seconds for only $9.99 by CLICKING HERE to learn how to meet and date the type of women you’ve always wanted and have effortless relationships.)

Thanks!

Susan

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“Illusions commend themselves to us because they save us pain and allow us to enjoy pleasure instead. We must therefore accept it without complaint when they sometimes collide with a bit of reality against which they are dashed to pieces.” ~ Sigmund Freud

Published on April 13, 2012

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