Attraction, Pursuing & Interest

How attraction, pursuing and interest are similar and different for men and women, and how understanding each of them can help you attract and keep the lovers you want.

In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a female viewer who writes in asking about a guy she used to date. What’s interesting about her email is that the guy she was dating was really into her for most of the relationship. He tended to over-pursue, focus on a relationship and locking her down to a commitment. This obviously had a negative effect on her attraction to him and her interest in him romantically. What’s interesting is, at some point he started to realize that he was more into her than she was into him. He therefore started to back off by texting less, talking about their future together less, and started spending less time with her.

When this started to happen, she started to become more interested in him and want the things that he originally was so willing to give, but she was indifferent to. She started to pursue him more and act needy according to her own words. At that point, he was mostly unresponsive and disinterested. She sent him an email telling him goodbye and wishing him the best of luck, and has not heard from him in two months. He recently posted on Facebook that he is about to move away. He still has her bike, which she would like to get back, but she also wonders what she could do to leave the door open for him to come back in case he changes his mind.

Hi Corey,

I’m a woman. I dated someone last fall, and at first I was crazy for him. However, I got somewhat scared off because he seemed way too into it. Anyway, I still dated him because I liked him. I told him I didn’t want to be exclusive, even though he had told me several times he did. (Initially you were attracted to him, but when he overpursued you pushed him away.) We had fun together, and he treated me like a queen. My friends were jealous of the way he treated me. I traveled with him, I met his family, and he was serious about me. Around Thanksgiving, he backed off somewhat. He said he realized that he had to because I was less committal about the relationship than he was. (His family probably told him you weren’t as enthusiastic about him as he was about you.) I was worried, but he seemed to still like me. We parted ways for Christmas, but he still called me and texted me a lot. I was excited, because I was finally liking him a ton.

On Christmas, something changed. He got distant, and I think I freaked out and got needy when he might have just been busy. (Notice how the power flipped there.) I said I felt upset because he was talking to me less, and I asked if he needed space. Then, I backed away. He went from texting me all the time, to texting me once a day. When we both returned after Christmas, I asked him on a date, but he told me he’d get back to me when he was available. I knew I was rejected. A few weeks later, I sent him a goodbye email wishing him luck in life. (I definitely would not have sent that. That’s like slamming the door. You never want to burn a bridge. You should have called him and told him you wanted to see him and left the door open. Dating is like a game of tennis. You just hit the ball over the net and wait for him to hit it back.) In reply, he mentioned that he was not sure what to say. (In other words, you became impatient.) He told me he was trying to figure out things in his life, and that he was there to talk if I ever wanted to. (When a guy doesn’t feel stable with his mission and purpose in life, he needs time alone to figure it all out. The worst thing you can do at that time as a woman, is try to pressure a man.) I walked away and have avoided contacting him. It’s been almost two months. I feel heartbroken. Just the other day, he wrote on Facebook that he is moving away in two months when he graduates from college. (That’s a major life change. Now that he’s done with college, he has to focus on starting a career.)

I understand walking away is the best negotiating position. However, I didn’t tell him that the door was still open if he changed his mind. My goodbye letter seemed final. What can I do about that? Also, he still has my bike. He contacted me once to talk about getting it back, but I was busy and haven’t heard from him since. How do I ask for my bike back while still maintaining the “walking away” stance? How can I re-attract him? I’m worried I wasn’t as caring as I should have been because he didn’t give me space. I really miss him, and I’m worried I’ll lose my chance when he moves away and that he just doesn’t care anymore. Are guys more attracted to girls whose feelings are uncertain? (Human beings all tend to want what we can’t have, but at this point it has run it’s course. You’ve really got to put a fork in it, because it’s done. It’s been two months and he hasn’t reached out other than to try and return your bike to you.) How do I alter “hang out, have fun, hook up?” I don’t feel like it’s my place to ask him out if he contacts me, and I’m not sure how to re-attract him or if I even still can. (Call him up and make arrangements to get your bike back, and let him know you miss him and would like to go out again. Let him know that you would like to spend time with him and the door is open. Then, it’s up to him.)

Thanks,

Jessica

My response to her:

Hi Jessica,

I definitely would not delete him from social media. From your email it’s obvious that from the beginning he was really into you, but he also pursued too much to the point where you backed off and started losing interest. What is different about him, unlike most men who write to me who are in similar situations, is that he realized he was more into you than you were into him. Once he realized this, he started losing interest and started backing away. The other thing you’ve got to consider is that he is about to undergo a major life change and move away when he finishes college. He knows you were into him and wanted to see him when you asked him out. But since more than likely he had already decided he was moving away and did not like how you took him for granted and were noncommittal, he has simply lost interest at this point. If he still had some kind of interest, he would have reached out to you, but he never did. At this point, I would put a fork in it because it is done. If you still want your bike back, then I would definitely contact him and make arrangements to get your bike back. I do not think it really matters at this point since he does not appear to be interested in you romantically anymore, but you could apologize for the way you treated him and tell him if he would ever like to see you romantically again, that you would really like that. That way, you’ll have your bike back, and you’ll be leaving the door open if he ever changes his mind.

Corey Wayne

“In order to maintain and grow mutual sexual attraction and romantic interest, there needs to be a healthy balance between pursuing and making sure both people are making the effort to make each other feel wanted and desired. It’s a scientific fact that women are more attracted to men whose feelings are unclear. Under normal circumstances, a healthy woman will do most of the calling, texting and pursuing when the man makes dates when she reaches out, and he also continually makes the effort to make her feel appreciated, wanted and desired. Should the man or the woman ever experience that they are being taken for granted or not be as appreciated as they were in the past, the healthy response is to back off and give the other person space to miss them. When a man or a woman pursues too much and ignores the fact that the other person is no longer appreciating, pursuing or valuing them as much as they once did, not backing off will lead to the end of the relationship. When you love and value yourself, you will only put in as much effort as the other person and will instinctively back off when you sense, see or feel that they are taking you for granted.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne