How attraction works and the power of being indifferent, but outgoing, and open, but unattached to your outcome.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a viewer who has been following my work since 2018. However, from his email it would seem that he has been spending most of his time observing humanity from a safe distance, instead of participating himself. He says women show attraction to him often, but he says he is indifferent, and nothing comes of it. He says he wants to show and take action upon mutual romantic interest instead of just being a passive participant. I explain how to be indifferent and outgoing without becoming attached to an outcome when trying to date and seduce women who show interest and attraction. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.
Hi, I’m Coach Corey Wayne and this is my video coaching newsletter. And the topic of today’s newsletter is going to be, Attraction & The Power Of Being Indifferent But Outgoing And Open, But Unattached.
Well, this particular email is from a guy. He’s been following me since 2018, but it looks like he’s being more of an observer of humanity, instead of really participating in it. And so, he said some things here. He’s like, he says he’s very indifferent. He notices women are attracted to him, but he’s indifferent to it.
But, he says nothing comes of it. So he says he wants to show and take action when he does see the mutual interest, instead of being passive. So, let’s see what we can do to help him get off the fence, and into the game and participate in life.
I’ve been following you since 2018 — you changed my life, many thanks for your super helpful content!
I tend to be indifferent by default, as I’m a recovering avoidant attachment style. I always get attention from girls, but rarely anything happens from there. I feel validated but not connected. I crave connection.
Well, you basically have to pull the trigger. And as I talk about in The Book, (what you should read 10 to 15 times) is that I explained very explicitly how you go from pickup, to dating, to relationship. And you transition through those from the time you meet, till the time you are boyfriend and girlfriend. And so, in this particular case, you’re hanging out and you notice a girl is talking to you.
Maybe she’s playing with her hair, she’s exposing her neck to you. She’s touching your arm. She’s standing really close. Her body language is open to you. Maybe if you’re sitting across the table, she’s leaning in towards you. She reaches over and touches your arm. Or if you’re walking side by side, she bumps into you. These are signs of attraction and interest.
Also, her asking you questions about yourself when you’re talking to her. And as you talk to her and you ask her questions. If you really like a girl and you’re fascinated, you should have tons of things to talk about. What would you want to know? Ask her the kinds of questions that she would enjoy answering, “What she loves to do for fun? Where she’s from?” Just basic things.
Getting to know somebody. If you’re fascinated by a girl, you want to know about, “Who is this beautiful creature that just walked into my life?” And take a sincere, authentic interest in who she is. And if she’s really into you, and she’s touching you, sometimes you can start kissing her and making out, and you can take her right home after that.
Sometimes it takes going to 2 or 3 other places, and other times you may just want to get the phone number and call her a few days later. Or text her a few days later, maybe bump into her at the grocery store, and you have a five, ten minute conversation. You really feel like you click with her.
Then you get her number, and you say, “Hey, I’ll give you a call next week and we’ll go grab dinner or something.” And then you call her up. Invite her out on a date. You have to take action. You have to take things from point A to point B. It’s like, you are kind of window shopping, but yet you never go into the store.
It’s like the girls are in the store going, “Come on in!” And you’re waving to them, and then you just wilt and shrink, and then you just move on. So, you have to take action. You’re supposed to be the direct and the decisive one. Women will communicate their interest.
They will often put themselves into your orbit, but they want you to know what to do. They want you to know how to drive the fun bus, and to pick them up and to take them, ultimately to the promised land. Which ultimately ends in the bedroom at some point.
Whether it’s that night, the third date, because most women sleep with a guy by a second or third date. Or if you’re ultra religious, on your wedding night. It’s totally up to you. You’ve got to live your morality and your life. It’s my job as a coach just to teach you how to get what you want.
When should I stop being indifferent and start showing / reciprocating interest?
Well, the idea is that you want to be a social, outgoing person. You want to be indifferent to whether people like you or not, or people are friendly. Because the more you talk to other people and you just go out in public, whether you’re talking to somebody in the grocery store line, or you’re putting gas in your car. Or you’re hanging out at the country club.
Or you’re waiting in line for somewhere, or you’re just strolling down the street. Or somebody sitting next to you in a restaurant. Just start asking people questions. Take a sincere, authentic interest in other people, and asking them who they are, where they’re from, what they do for a living. What’s fun, what’s exciting? Just take a sincere interest and ask them questions that you would enjoy answering.
Because if you’re having a hard time with women, then what that tells me is that you have a problem with small talk, (creating small talk.) And so, you need to get in the habit whether you’re in an elevator, or you’re walking down the street, or sitting next to people at a bar or a restaurant. You take a sincere interest, and you practice those skills because you never know when you’re going to run into a pretty girl.
And if you’re one of those guys, and it kind of sounds like he is, he only waits for somebody he really super likes to talk to. And then when he meets somebody really super likes, he just freezes up and chickens out. Like he says, he’s just kind of indifferent. He’s like, “Oh, I’m the robot. I have never practiced. I do not have the tapes for this. Does not compute. Doesn’t work. Error. Error. Error.” You got to participate in life, my man.
Because what you’ll notice as you talk to other humans in general, some people you can tell, are nice and they’re friendly, but they don’t really want to talk to you. And other people will talk your ear off. And some people, a few of them you’ll just really click with. This how you make casual friends. This is how you meet women that you can date, and you really click with.
Because you never know when you’re going to turn around and boom, there’s a cute girl at the gym, or you bump into a girl that lives in your building, or just moved in the house next door to you. Whatever happens to be. Or you’re out washing your car and she comes running by and she just moved in a couple of doors down from you, and you just start chatting away.
The point is, is that you’ve got to practice talking to women from the very beginning of meeting, and starting a conversation. Being able to gauge their interest, “Are they interested enough in you? Do you like talking to them? Is it fun talking to them? Do they want to engage with you in conversation, to the point where they make you feel like they’re glad you started talking to them? Or are they just looking for an excuse to try to get away?”
And if somebody’s looking for an excuse to get away, just say, “Hey, well, you’re beautiful.” Or “Hey, it was nice chatting with you.” Or, “Have a great day. Nice talking to you. Wish you all the best.” Whatever. And go on about your day. And move on. You’ve got to talk to people. You’ve got to engage people and become friendly.
Because if you don’t practice that, you’re not going to be good at it. And then when you do meet a girl you really like, you’re just going to chicken out, because you’ve never rehearsed a small talk. And if you rehearse small talk with everybody, you’re going to often force yourself to create small talk with people that quite frankly, you don’t want to talk to.
And so, when you can do that easily and effortlessly, then when you see a pretty girl, things will come to you. In your environment. Commenting on something that she’s wearing or something. You know. If you’re at an art gallery or you’re in the grocery store and you’re looking at stuff in the dog aisle, and you’re looking at a snack that you know your dog likes, and then she’s right there looking at those snacks, and you start talking about the dog snacks.
Come to find out her dog loves the same ones. And then you ask her, what kind of dog she has. She asks you about yours, and next thing you know, 20 minutes go by, and you’re making a date to go to the dog park together. That’s how it happens. And so, it’s not so much about approaches, it’s just living your life, and bumping into people along the way. That’s kind of how the universe works.
You get out and you circulate, and people show up that like the same things, you run into them. You just never know when or where or how it’s going to happen. You go to a friend’s barbecue and then you start talking, shooting the shit. Start talking to a girl who works at the office where your buddy’s wife or your buddy’s girlfriend works.
Come to find out, she’s got the same type of dog you do, and she grew up in the same city, and grew up a few blocks from where you did. And you’ve come to find out, you know all these mutual friends and acquaintances. Then two hours have gone by, maybe you leave there together, and you hook up that night. Maybe you get her number, and then you go out a few days later. It’s like, that’s just how things happen. But you got to know what to do, how to take it from point A to point B.
How can I show interest while staying indifferent?
I’ve thrown myself over to some girls in distant past, and I’ve been indifferent with no connections lately. I want your help to find the healthy grey approach to both attract & connect.
Looking forward to your hearing from you.
Well, you got to put yourself in social situations where there are other people. You have to think of it like fishing. You got to go somewhere where there’s lots of fish in the pond. And instead of saying, “Hey, where can I go where all the girls are?” Where can you go to have fun? If you’re into rock climbing, go to a rock climbing gym.
I did an email a few weeks ago from a guy who’s into rock climbing. He’s like, “You know what? I’m going to go in at a different time today and climb with a different group of people just for the hell of it.” First time he does that, he meets a girl and ends up going on a date with her. Just stuff like that. Change your routine up a little bit.
Go to your favorite restaurant. Go to your favorite bar. If you don’t like drinking, then go to your favorite country club. Go to a yacht club, or go to a beach club. Go to some kind of social activities. Go to the gun range, go to the gun shop. Go to a self-help seminar. Go do things that are fun and exciting for you. Go to the beach. If you love the beach, go for a bike ride and places that are nice areas to go bike riding where there’s other people bike riding.
And when you stop and you start shooting the shit, there’s other bike riders that come along, and cute girls are out there. Like, being on South Beach, I used to live on South Beach and going out for a bike ride there, there’s beautiful women everywhere. Riding bikes or walking, in their yoga pants. It’s a target rich environment. You have to get out there, and you have to participate with people and pull the trigger.
Because repetition is the mother of skill. And you’re not going to get any better just looking at people, talking to people for a couple of minutes and then never pulling the trigger. It’s like you’re starting out on step A, but you’re not even going to step B, you’re not even trying. It’s like you’re in the bleachers. And the reality is the amount of time you got left is shrinking. It’s shrinking.
The days are getting shorter and shorter, that you have left. And the amount of days that you’ve been here are getting longer. And so, you must think in terms of, “What are you okay going to your grave having not done, not experienced or not accomplished?” And think accordingly. Because time’s running out. It’s running out for all of us, whether you want to admit it or not.
So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly. Until next time, I will talk to you soon.
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Author, Speaker, Peak Performance Coach, Entrepreneur