In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a viewer who got dumped by his live-in girlfriend of almost 5 years. They were engaged prior to the breakup. He says after he got dumped, he moved on and dated 50 different women in 7 months. However, from his email, and how he responded when she reached out to him after 7 months to wish him a happy birthday, he does not sound like a guy who went out with 50 different women. Instead of making a move to escalate things physically when they saw each other again, he dithered and hesitated.
She came to see him at a concert performance of his, and at the end of the night, instead of going for the kiss, he gave her a hug. He seemed to have been waiting for her to make the first move. He says he didn’t try to progress things physically because he felt it would be too risky, and she is not an easy person. He believed that by being cold, indifferent, and acting uninterested, it would communicate to her that he wasn’t just trying to make out with her and use her. I critique his game, and point out some blatant mistakes he made and what he needs to do differently moving forward. His behavior comes off as being inauthentic, weak, and manipulative.
First of all, I want to thank you for sharing your wisdom with us. It has helped me a lot! I want to share my story in the shortest possible way.
I lived with my ex girlfriend for almost 5 years. We where engaged, and she loved me a lot. Your book opened my eyes and helped me to be a 3 % man. The reason I still want my ex back is because I know she is a wonderful person, and I just messed things up in the relationship with my selfish and disrespectful behavior, and she broke up with me. I was really depressed, in a panic, and in shock. I was begging, crying, and did everything possible to fix things, but no way. It never worked. I had to move on, and I did, even though I was completely heartbroken.
I started dating around 50 new women in 7 months, as a single man, and realized that my heart really still wanted this woman. (What this tells me is you didn’t meet anyone who was as good or better than the ex-girlfriend. It takes a long time to overcome your fears and find the kind of woman you always dreamed of.) We broke up in February of 2014, and I was fighting for her until I let it go in April. We had zero contact for 7 months, until out of blue she sent me a birthday message in November saying, “Happy birthday and best wishes.” I simply thanked her, and closed the conversation. (The whole purpose of no contact is to walk away. This was a low-risk way for her to reach out to you. When a woman reaches out, you should make a date.) Four days later, I did the same because it was her birthday. (You started pursuing her. However, when you walk away, the person who dumped you needs to do 100% of the pursuing.) She thanked me the same way. After this, there where some signs. I knew how to handle it, so I showed up as a new person — a centered and controlled guy. I decided to ask her how she was doing. She said she was fine, and asked how i was doing. I said that I was alright, and that’s it. Because I was responding slowly, I got another message from her. She said, “Today it’s the dog’s birthday,” and sent me a photo of the dog. We start talking about her dog because I bought her the dog a month before we broke up. She was excited to talk about her dog, and sent me a lot of photos and videos of her and her dog playing. This all happened on Facebook Messenger. There was contact, but nothing personal, all about the dog, and I responded very slowly to her messages — something like 2 in 2 days. (You should assume if a woman reaches out to you, she wants to see you, and make a date.) Then, the conversation died, and it was quiet.
Two weeks later, I called her, just to talk freely. The conversation went well. I was sure that the bad image she had of me had not disappeared. She’s the kind of person who doesn’t believe people change, but I did, and I changed by 97%. In this phone conversation, I explained that good side, my point of view, that I am okay with everything, and that I am alright. (This sounds like approval-seeking behavior. A man who values himself does not have to justify or apologize for anything. You are wasting time instead of being direct and decisive.) I closed the conversation also, and told her to feel free to reach out. Three days later, she messaged me saying, “Hey, bad weather over here. Is it bad there also?” I used the same behavior by responding gently, not asking too many questions, and then ending the conversation.
Okay, here is the real situation. I am a musician, and I had a show in her city. I went to the mall to eat, and I knew she worked in that mall, but I really didn’t want to see her because my feelings were controlled, and I didn’t need her in that crazy way anymore, like before. However, it was like destiny, because we crossed paths. Out of the blue, she was in front of me. It was like a surprise. We spoke spontaneously for a couple of minutes, then I said, “I have to go.” An hour later, I sent a text to her and said, “Well, I am here because I have a show tonight. Want to come see me?” (You could have done that in person.) She said, “Yes, I can come.” I responded, “Alright,” and gave her the address. Three hours later, she messaged me and said, “I’m tired, and I don’t know if I will come.” I said, “It’s okay. If you’re tired, then you better rest.” Then, she asked, “Where are you?” I said, “I am at MacDonald’s,” and she said, “Okay, I’ll stop by and say hi to you.” This was the first real life moment with her after 8 months. I acted confident, happy, controlled, and centered…no talk about the past, nothing. It was just casual conversation and joking a bit. After 30 minutes in the car with her, I said, “Okay, I have to go now, and you go rest because you look tired.” I didn’t offer her another invitation to come see my show. We hugged, and she left. (You’re acting like the gay male girlfriend. It’s unnecessary. It just makes you look weak and inauthentic.) Ten minutes later, she called me and said, “Well, I would like to go see you.” I said, “Well, okay then. We’ll meet at the show. See you there.”
She came to the show, and I acted smooth. We talked, but there was not much closure because we had a lot of people around. I didn’t act like a pussy. We drank and talked, and I was joking a bit. She did some cute things like sniffing my ear, which made me think. These were things she used to do all the time in the past. Then, when a song started playing, she said, “Hey, do you remember? This was our song.” I saw these as signs. (What are you waiting for?)
After the show, we went to her car, talked for 10 minutes, and I said “Okay, it was great to see you. Have a safe drive home.” She hugged me again, and sniffed my ear again.” I left, and when she got home, she called me and said, “Your car lights are not working.” I said “Really?” even though I knew it, and I thanked her for alerting me. I closed the conversation again by saying, “Okay, have a good night,” and there it all ended.
I didn’t message her anymore until a couple of days later, and she didn’t either. Here is where I started getting confused. Did she like being with me, or didn’t she? Should I keep contact? Should I try to make another date? (You never really made a date. You are dithering and hesitating, and waiting for her to seduce you.) I am waiting for her to contact me. If she did, I would have a complete answer to everything. Now, I don’t know if I will wait forever until she contacts me, or if i should send her a message, and try to make another date. The first date was too risky to get to close, because she is not an easy person. I used the method of letting her feel and know that I am not just trying to make out with her, but trying to have a good time. (All you really did was communicate that you are manipulative and holding back.)
So what should I do now coach? Should I wait? What if she doesn’t reach out to me? Should I do it? If so, which way should I do it? I know that the next steps are crucial, and extremely important, so I will wait for your wise response, and act the way you think I should handle this situation best. (Wait to hear from her, and when you do hear from her make a date. Invite her over to your place to have fun, hang out, and hook up like I talk about in my book, and go for the kiss. Read the part about seduction, especially the part about two steps forward, and one step back.)
My response to him:
She obviously contacted you and came to see you because she still cares and has attraction for you. You should have gone for the kiss, but it sounds like you were too timid and afraid of getting rejected. What I would do if I were you is to just wait to hear from her, and then when you do, make a date. You need to read my book 10-15 times because I can tell from your email that you don’t know it very well. If you really had dated 50 different women in your time apart, you would be much more experienced and confident with her than how you really acted. You must let her come to you. She has shown that she’s willing to reach out to you, so she’s done it once, she’ll do it again. When you end a date with a woman, you should always say, “Call me later.” Maybe she will, maybe she won’t. The idea is that it encourages her to start pursuing you more and more. So as I teach in my book and countless videos, you wait to hear from her, and then set a date once you do. I can tell from your email you still have a tendency to over-pursue by calling and texting. When she reached out and wished you happy birthday, you should have said, “Thank you. It was great to hear from you. I’d love to see you. When are you free to get together?” and made a date. You seem to hesitate when you’re together or when she’s contacting you, and then when you’re not with her you tend to chase and pursue, so you’re really sending mixed signals. You’re making yourself look like a guy who’s purposely trying to play hard to get, but still pursing at the same time. So it’s like on one hand, you’re tying to act like you’re not really interested, but the fact you are contacting her first communicates that you are interested. Again you need to read my book 10-15 times. I can tell that you have not. You’ve modified your behavior since the last time you saw her, but your approach is not authentic, and comes off as being weak and manipulative.
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From my heart to yours,
Author, Speaker, Peak Performance Coach, Entrepreneur
“When there is a mutual sexual attraction between a man and a woman, there is no reason to hold back affection or attraction. In order for the seduction process to flow naturally, a man needs to make a move to escalate things physically when the woman is exhibiting signs that she’s ready to be touched, kissed, and generally be closer to him. When the signs are there that a woman is ready to get physical, but the man hesitates and dithers, eventually she is going to figure out that he is either trying to be manipulative by purposely holding back, or he simply lacks the confidence to go for what he wants. When a man’s actions come off as being manipulative, inauthentic, or indecisive, it’s going to turn a woman off and lower her attraction level. Even if a guy is fearful of rejection, he needs to be fearless and go for what he wants. The longer a man waits or hesitates, the higher the likelihood that he will get rejected.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne